Chapter Two

Start with you

So we warned you in the introduction that you should examine your own bias before extending your counsel to others. The best way to teach is to model change. How can we insist that others do the hard work of holding themselves accountable for their biased attitudes and behavior if we have not truly taken the time to closely examine and overcome our own bias? We are going to teach the teacher. Then you can go out and teach the world. We promise, it won’t hurt.

So, the process of overcoming your bias starts with you. By overcoming, we mean to control, conquer, and prevail over your bias. With self-awareness, attention, and effort, you can become aware of the way in which bias operates in your life. Then, you can make deliberate choices to minimize the impact your brain’s automatic preferences have on how you treat people. Will your brain ever stop having automatic preferences? No. Bias is a hardwired survival mechanism. Can you ever completely rewire your brain to overwrite its current biases? Maybe—the jury is still out.¹

But what we do know is that you don’t have to let your unconscious biases go unchallenged. You can overcome the impact they have on your life.

You are the solution. You are not the cause of the problem. (Feel free to blame society, history, your brain’s wiring, and a misguided humanity for creating this mess.) Fortunately, we have more knowledge about the science of the human brain now, and we have the tools to change our thoughts and behaviors. So, get ready to take a long, hard look at yourself.

It begins with breaking the bias cycle. In our work as diversity practitioners and organizational development specialists, we frequently encounter both leaders and individual contributors who wholeheartedly believe that if we could just fix someone else, someone who is not me, everything would improve. As human beings, we are often quick to assign blame and situate problems within everyone but ourselves. Hopefully by now you have already taken the Implicit Association Test (see Activity #2) and identified a few of your own biases. If not, don’t worry—you still have time. Go ahead, we will wait.

Most people who take the IAT are shocked at the results, but they shouldn’t be. We all have bias. We really cannot emphasize that enough. That said, you must realize that it is critically important to acknowledge that you, too, have bias. No one is served by blaming others without self-reflection and awareness of our own issues. We cannot tell you how many times our clients have said, “If only [insert person or group of people] would change, everything would be fine.” If we cannot see how we are each a part of the ubiquitous they, then we have no hope of change. No one is off the hook when it comes to bias. We all have it and it shows up at some point. We don’t have to be victims of our unconscious bias. Most of us don’t want to be biased, so we need to learn to control the bias so that our rational, compassionate selves can make better decisions.

Unconscious bias shows up in many forms:

Crossing the street to avoid certain kinds of people

Dismissing a qualified job candidate with a foreign accent

Asking a person of Asian descent where they’re really from

Clutching your purse when passing by a black man

Recommending a man for a promotion from a pool that includes equally qualified women employees

How do you notice your own bias? Start paying attention to how you treat people. Ask yourself, without judgment, if you would make the same choice if the person in front of you were different. Use your imagination: Replace the job candidate with your mother (assuming she had the same résumé as the candidate!). Would you ask the same questions? Would you feel more or less at ease? Replace the pedestrian you pass on the street with your brother. If your brother were wearing the same outfit, would you have crossed the street? Don’t neglect personal safety, but do start questioning why your brain believes that one person is trustworthy while another is not. It isn’t a comfortable exercise, but it is key to reprogramming your brain.

Honestly, the hardest part of this task is the acknowledgment that you even have bias. Many of us pride ourselves on being ethical, fair, kind, and respectful to all people. However, the results from the thousands of people who have taken the IAT tell a different story. The researchers at Project Implicit have created a test that is widely acknowledged to be an accurate measure of your brain’s automatic preference for one of two different choices in a social group, for example: weight (fat or thin), race (black or white), age (young or old), and so forth. You are instructed to tap a key on your computer’s keyboard with your left hand (the letter e) and a different key with your right hand (the letter i). Then, you go through several rounds of an exercise where a social group (e.g., blacks and whites; fat and thin people) is assigned a key, and an evaluative word (e.g., good or bad) is also assigned a key. So, for example, in one round, you are told to hit e when you see a picture of a black person and i when you see a picture of a white person. When you see a word that is good (e.g., happy) you hit the e key, and when you see a word that is bad (e.g., grief) you hit the i key. Then you are asked to select which image you associate with each word.

According to the project’s website, “The Implicit Association Test measures the strength of associations between concepts (e.g., black people, gay people) and evaluations (e.g., good, bad) or stereotypes (e.g., athletic, clumsy). The main idea is that making a response is easier when closely related items share the same response key. We would say that one has an implicit preference for straight people relative to gay people if they are faster to categorize words when Gay People and Bad share a response relative to when Gay People and Good share a response key.”

Based on feedback from the millions of people who have taken the IAT, on the black and white test, the vast majority of folks show an automatic preference for white people.

Very few people showed an automatic preference for black people. Again, according to the Project Implicit website, “Results from this website consistently show that members of stigmatized groups (black people, gay people, older people) tend to have more positive implicit attitudes toward their groups than do people who are not in the group, but that there is still a moderate preference for the more socially valued group. So gay people tend to show an implicit preference for straight people relative to gay people, but it is not as strong as the implicit preference shown by straight people. We think that this is because stigmatized group members develop negative associations about their group from their cultural environments, but also have some positive associations because of their own group membership and that of close others.”

For those of you doing the math, the remaining numbers to get to 100 percent were the 17 percent of people who showed no preference for either group.

Believing you have no bias is worse than knowing you do.

Once we can acknowledge our bias, whether through taking formal tests or simply being brutally honest with ourselves, then and only then can we begin to change it. Telling yourself that you have no bias—that you are one of the good guys who believes in equality—is the best guarantee that you will continue letting your unconscious bias control how you treat people.

Another way your bias may show up is through what we call hot buttons, or triggers. Have you ever had your buttons pushed and reacted without thinking? Where your emotional response gets out in front of a rational one? Where you’ve thought, usually later, “Wow, I wish I hadn’t responded like that”? Your family is often the best at knowing and pushing these buttons. In our experience, siblings may be the most effective at setting you off!

Topics that consistently make you angry may be hot-button triggers.

As an example, Tiffany has come to learn that she is sensitive about the immigration conversation in the United States because people often name Mexicans as part of the problem. In this case, the bias is a positive one toward Mexicans or people of Mexican ancestry, but the emotional reaction Tiffany has when confronted with people who act dismissively toward this group helps her see a positive bias toward Mexicans and a negative one toward those who would restrict immigration. This is important information that can provide clues for where biases might impact our ability to fairly treat people—in either unjustified positive or negative ways. She says:

After a substantial amount of reflection about why I respond emotionally to negative opinions about Mexicans, I learned that the immigration conversation requires my full attention. I may not be able to control my defensive emotions, but I have learned to moderate my behavior.

One of the things I do differently is tell people about my connection to Mexico and why it is important to me. This provides the listener access to part of my story and, by extension, my humanity. This way if we disagree later, we are already one step closer to being authentic with each other. I make the connection as soon as I see that the discussion is headed into my bias zone. This act of preempting the topic of Mexico before it goes off course serves as a bit of a disclaimer in case my attempts to control my emotional response fail. At least the listener will know from whence my emotions came.

Sometimes the disclaimer, or the personalization of the issue, causes people to rethink their perspective. If they know early on that a certain angle will upset you, they may tone it down. Unfortunately, some people lack a high degree of empathy and will either fail to notice your concern or will carry on and provoke you quite deliberately.

Hot-button triggers are often linked to unconscious bias.

So, when you notice yourself getting seriously ticked off, or even mildly agitated, pay close attention to the topic. If you start to see a pattern, you may have a bias issue. This also works with friends and family. If you find yourself the victim of harsh words or on the receiving end of a crappy attitude about the same thing with the same person, over and over again, they might have a bias issue. And remember, if the topic is choice of pizza shops, it may not be worth engaging. But if the topic is a certain group of people, or religion, or some equally sensitive issue, be a friend and practice some of the talking points we have presented so far.

TIP: Try this sentence stem if someone says something biased and you want to help him or her see that bias: “You may not be aware of this, but I am uncomfortable with the way you are talking about that group of people.”

This statement lets your friend off the hook in two ways. First, the underlined portion implies that if she knew better, she would do better. The rest of the sentence focuses on your feelings, as opposed to a direct accusation of her bias. Using “I” statements (in this case, “I am uncomfortable”) to help people understand how their behavior is affecting the people around them is a time-tested conflict-resolution tool.

Now here is one of the places where our human tendencies get us into real trouble. Peer pressure is real, and it does not stop just because we are adults. We know it’s painful to admit, but how many times have you been in a room with someone who said something racist, sexist, or just plain mean—and you went along with it without speaking up? Depending on the relationship, the power dynamic, the level of respect, or, more selfishly, what we want or need from that person, we unfortunately encourage such bad behavior through our silence. We encourage biased behavior when we say nothing in the face of a hateful comment. We encourage biased behavior when we laugh at a sexist or racist joke. We encourage biased behavior when we either vocally or tacitly egg people on by not holding them accountable to a higher standard. And if someone calls you out, try to remember how hard it is to support someone’s de-biasing journey and don’t take it personally. It is the behavior they are criticizing, not you.

Speaking of taking things personally, try this activity.

We sometimes refer to this process of self-evaluation as “the appendix syndrome.” Addressing bias is not like having your appendix removed—a one-time procedure that is completed and never thought about again. It’s more like hygiene—we all have to do maintenance to keep it up.² Learning your physical and emotional responses is important because they are nonrational clues that help identify what your biases are. Additionally, an inventory of your physical and emotional responses can help you recover more quickly when you’ve been triggered. When you’re aware that you, for example, clench your jaw when your buttons have been pushed, you can sometimes recognize that physical tell before you even recognize the anger and enter more quickly into productive conversations that aren’t being dictated by the emotional part of your brain that your bias has activated. Most often, people have hot-button responses because they associate their current situation with some negative past experience. What happens in the moment tends not to be as big a deal as we think it is; rather it’s the memory of something else that is triggered.

Now that you have identified a few hot-button issues and your associated physical and emotional responses, find someone in your circle of trust. Ask this person to help you navigate your bias around one of the hot-button topics by having a provocative conversation with you. Your job is to keep your cool, breathe, and figure out how to manage your physical responses. Depending on the intensity of the issue, you may need to allow the topic to show up in your life without your prompting. Don’t go looking for trouble if you don’t feel ready to manage your triggers. Instead, excuse yourself to take some deep breaths or a short walk when the hot buttons are triggered. Do this until you’ve gained some familiarity with your physiological “tells” and have developed control over your subsequent responses. This is why practicing with a trusted friend or family member is a safe place to start. This is how you begin to gain control of your bias.

If you were really uncomfortable with that exercise or the thought of it, we’ve got bad news. Overcoming bias is hard work, and it’s not always comfortable. Things that are worthwhile usually take effort, but the payoff is awesome. Learning to ride a bike, swim, read, do your taxes—those all had an uncomfortable learning curve. Setting aside your bias so that you can have authentic interactions with people is worthwhile, but it will take effort if you are not already practiced at it.

So to review, your self-awareness tools are:

1. Take the Implicit Association Test.

2. Practice noticing your biases at work and in everyday life.

3. Identify your hot-button issues.

4. Practice having a calm conversation about your hot-button issues with a trusted friend.

Through these simple steps, you will begin noticing how the unconscious parts of your brain shape your behavior on a regular basis.

Self-awareness about your bias is only the starting point. In order to build relationships across differences, there are other skills and tools you will need.

For starters, you can’t build authentic relationships across differences if you never interact with people who are different from you. And what kind of differences matter? Frankly, all kinds. But we are especially interested in this book in helping people build bridges across the divides that were created by societal hierarchies: legally sanctioned racial discrimination, marginalization of women as second-class citizens, ongoing legal discrimination of LGBT people, calls for Muslims or Latinos to be banned from entering the United States. These are examples of divides that had or still have the full legal force of society behind them and have created ongoing disparities in treatment in the judicial system, health outcomes, wealth accumulation, and access to fair housing in healthy neighborhoods.

Simply interacting across differences is not enough, however. Ordering your daily coffee from a woman in a hijab doesn’t quite qualify as an authentic relationship with a Muslim. Nor does your childhood relationship with a housekeeper from another country equate to a relationship between equals. It’s not that these relationships can’t be meaningful or important, but they aren’t the kind of relationships that will help you overcome the kinds of biases our society surrounds us with.

The skills you need to overcome bias can be taught, learned, and mastered.

What would you say if we told you that overcoming bias is possible because researchers have outlined and tested a comprehensive theory that tells us it can be done? In fact, it was written about in 1954 and is called contact theory. But at that time, maybe people were not ready to overcome personal and societal bias, because the research has been long neglected.³ The good news is that the skills and tools required to help people navigate differences and overcome bias are exactly that—skills. Skills to overcome bias can be taught, learned, practiced, and mastered. More good news—reading this book is a great step along the path of mastering the skills to build authentic relationships across difference. The challenging part is that such mastery requires commitment and effort. And let’s face it: if the whole world wasn’t ready to overcome bias decades ago, it should be no surprise that we still have stragglers. We are glad that you are taking the time to increase your bias fluency so you can help both yourself and others see that it can be done with patience and persistence.

Contact theory is the idea that people can reduce personal bias through cross-cultural experiences.⁴ The germinal theorist Gordon Allport hypothesized that prejudice emerges from a lack of understanding of and exposure to different people. It is rooted in our societal segregation. According to contact theory, exposure to different types of people decreases prejudice.⁵ What is absolutely crucial in his findings is the following:

Simply putting different kinds of people together does not reduce bias.

Merely being in the same room, the same office, or the same neighborhood with different kinds of people does not reduce interpersonal bias. It turns out five conditions are necessary to overcome bias. We might call these the prerequisites for authenticity in relationships:⁶

So contact theory sounds great, but what does that practical application look like? In the workplace, we can easily imagine scenarios where we are on teams with different kinds of people working toward a common goal. Working toward that shared goal will, over time, reduce your interpersonal bias. This is a much easier endeavor for individual contributors than it is for managers and supervisors. Leadership positions create inherent inequality unless you are in a group of leadership peers.

This whole concept becomes much more challenging outside the workplace, where we have to actively choose to place ourselves in situations that meet the above criteria. You would have to play intramural sports on a diverse team, volunteer with a diverse group of fellow volunteers, or join a community group without being the leader. Situations like these bring us closer to each other and closer to understanding differences in ways that are personal and meaningful. Exposure to counter-stereotypes actively disconfirms the basis for our bias. We, as cultural allies, must choose to recognize bias-reducing opportunities when they present themselves. We need to move our busy excuses out of the way and choose to address the biases that limit our ability to interact with people authentically and equitably.

Tiffany recounts an early experience with bias and contact theory.

One of my earliest jobs was at a high-end designer outlet in New York. The cheapest item available for purchase was usually a $175 belt. Most women left the shop one to two thousand dollars lighter than when they entered. I received commission on my sales in the form of credit toward the ridiculously expensive clothing. Fortunately for me, I was quite good at sales, so I racked up credits and collected a nice designer wardrobe over the course of a year or so. The only thing I loathed about my job was the hagglers.

I could not, for the life of me, understand how anyone could work up the gumption to ask me to reduce the price of clothing that was clearly marked with the retail and often the sales price on the tags! Remember, this was a designer outlet store. Outlet stores tend to discount their merchandise. The women who haggled were consistently of East Indian descent. The experience of explaining why I could not change the clearly labeled prices without compromising my job, over and over again, was exhausting. I began to associate Indian people with the anxiety I felt every time an Indian-looking person walked in my shop. Was she going to demand a discount? Would this be the time I was offered some trinket just tempting enough in exchange for a price cut? The negative association of conflict with a specific demographic followed me and eventually morphed into a generalization of an entire group of people. I don’t know when my psyche made the leap from a specific context to feeling that all Indian people were anxiety inducing. Nonetheless, I developed a very specific bias. I painted a group of people with a broad brush.

It was not until I served on the board of directors for an innovative art gallery that my bias began to subside. I worked side by side with one of the most brilliant, engaging, and kind people I have ever known. My friend Prabir worked tirelessly to help the gallery become an East Coast destination and shape the downtown arts and culture scene in Richmond, Virginia. Five years of working toward the goal of bringing art to a great community alongside someone different from me changed my perspective and openness toward his entire demographic. I have been that perspective-changing person for many people in my lifetime. It was nice to learn that even when you think you are open minded and inclusive, there is always room for improvement.

We are finishing up this chapter in a hotel in Hong Kong, China. Last night, we were at the Temple Street Night Market, ironically given the story Tiffany just shared, haggling for souvenirs to take home to friends and family. Our Hong Kong survival guidebook told us that the locals would not respect us if we accepted the first price they offered. As Americans, it can be excruciatingly uncomfortable to bargain someone down. Every time one of us successfully talked someone down to a great deal, we felt a pang of guilt because a matter of a few bucks for us goes a lot farther for the seller in Hong Kong. Nonetheless, it is the custom. We attempted to gauge the relative value for us and compromised on what seemed fair for both parties. The sellers genuinely seemed to enjoy the exchange and were quite good at it. Despite our discomfort, we attempted to meet the cultural context and challenge our own preconceived notions of how the world is supposed to work.

We were also instructed not to excessively tip taxi drivers in Hong Kong because elderly residents rely on inexpensive transportation and tourists who leave tips drive up the costs for locals. It seems that everything is a matter of perspective. The more contact you have with the world and its diversity, the broader your perspective can be. An expanded perspective can serve you and your friends well when you need to interact authentically across difference. We are certain you have noticed that well-traveled people seem to have a different way of moving through the world and navigating relationships. We do not think it is a coincidence. Our hope is that through some of our experiences and our friends’ experiences, you can gain some of the confidence in relating across differences that comes with exposure and cultural fluency. We can point you in the right direction, but you will eventually have to get out there and try it for yourself. Direct contact with people across differences is your very best bet for overcoming bias.

CALL TO ACTION

Accept that you have bias. Practice owning your humanity and humility by acknowledging a bias to someone you trust. (Tell them you are reading a book to help you work on it, but that you are aware it exists.)