According to one of my Facebook friends, the greatest problem in communication is that we listen to reply rather than to understand. What is communication and what does it take to ensure flow of information between staff and their leader?
Communication is a process involving a sender, a message, and a receiver. The receiver, upon receiving the message, confirms receipt of the message creating a feedback loop (Figure 4.1).
Figure 4.1 Feedback Loop
The most important element of feedback involves identifying feelings.
Facts + Feelings = Full Message. You can usually determine the feelings of your receiver by viewing body language, in particular, facial expressions. If you as the receiver do not identify both facts and feelings when conveying the complete message back to sender, the chance of effective communication is diminished. The illustration points out the key reason for communication failure—lack of a feedback loop.
Technology hinders and helps organizations’ communication. For example, e-mail is fast and efficient but creates challenges in which neither the sender nor receiver is able to easily understand the other’s feelings. Or, the receiver is occupied with other matters and does not read your message. (lol). To illustrate the importance we place on understanding feelings, we create symbols to communicate how we feel when using technology. 
Creating a continuous flow of information requires the leadership behaviors of Getting It, Meeting Regularly with Staff, Building Trust, and Modeling Ethical Behavior.
Many leaders feel that if they are not speaking with authority they will not be respected for their authority. A client I once coached described his first manager “driving him crazy” because of always answering his questions with a question. Only now that he has become a supervisor, did my client understand the value of helping others think through issues for themselves. It was a relief to know he was not responsible for having all the answers, he explained.
When assisting an airline maintenance organization changes their culture, I received a call one day to meet with the executive who had retained our services. He wanted to tell me about his experience several days earlier. When walking through the terminal to work one morning, he spotted an old friend walking alone and spoke to him. “Hello John, you don’t seem to be feeling well today. What is wrong” he said. John started telling him about problems at home and did not stop talking until they reached an intersection, each going separate ways. My client explained that 3 days later, John came to his office to say how much he appreciated the interest shown on him. My client assured me that he said nothing, just listened to John all the way to work. Such is the power of listening.
If a leader fails to listen to associates, he or she will not succeed as a true leader. For that reason, it is critical to understand the elements of being a top-notch receiver of information.
To be a great listener, it is important to first clear your head and resolve to repeat what you have been told including any feelings expressed by the person in their message. Remember facts and feelings create a full message.
Open Questions
Many of our managers have learned to instruct and lead people to agree with their ideas. As a result, they fail to appreciate the power of listening and using to their best advantage open ended questions. Managers have told me they will lose control if they ask such questions. These managers already know what they want and use closed question to get support for those ideas. For example, “Wouldn’t you agree we would be better off using Mohamed instead of Josh?”
Most leaders would agree we gain more control by using open questions rather than closed. These questions begin with What, Who, How, Why, Where, and When and require more than a yes or no answer. The purpose is to let your associates know you are open to hearing from them. By doing so, we gather much more information than with closed questions. Questions would sound something like this:
“Who do you think we should use?”
“When should they start?”
“How should they be oriented?”
“What should their first tasks be?”
Avoid questions as follows:
“I think we should use Mohamed and he can start Monday”.
“You can get him oriented and I will have a list of assignments prepared”.
“Don’t you agree?”
Using these six words (What, Who, Why, How, Where, and When) to open your questions will immediately increase creativity in your organization. Take a minute and practice making open questions out of the questions below:
“I think we should go for pizza. Ok?”
“Wouldn’t you agree we have enough staff for this project?”
“I think Dawn has the best idea, what about you?”
A supervisor told that after learning about open questions, he conducted a crew meeting with his construction crew. He simply asked, “What do you need to help you do your jobs better?” They all responded “New boots!” Many had shoes that were leaking and made their work uncomfortable. He got them boots. The next week he did the same thing. They said, “keep all the tools in one truck.” He gave them permission to take care of it themselves. The next week, a crew member approached him and said, “We know you won’t be here tomorrow but don’t worry. We will take care of everything.” Not only did they take care of everything, but crew performance improved.
Emotional Quotient
Expressing understanding of feelings is critical for driving out fear and providing encouragement. Here are four feelings to be aware of when listening for understanding and communicating a full message.
Joy has a range of emotions from feeling fine to feeling hysterical.
Fear has a range of feelings from some anxiety to frightened.
Anger has a range of feelings from slightly miffed to outrage.
Sorrow has a range of emotions from sad to depressed.
As discussed earlier, your ability to identify the feelings that accompany the facts of a message not only increases understanding, but also encourages additional information sharing. “You seem excited about joining us and working on the customer survey part of the project,” or, “It sounds like you are pretty upset over the change in assignments.”
We are tempted to advise our associates to not feel upset because everything will be better. That is not what they need to hear. They just need to know you get it. I heard a manager once say to a very frustrated employee, “No need to be getting upset, it won’t help any.” The employee’s facial expression said clearly that his manager was not being helpful.
For years, when working out of town I would return home Thursday nights. I would ask my wife how things had gone. She would describe in detail the problems she had encountered during the week. Naturally, being a consultant, I would suggest solutions. She would get very angry with me (in the range of outrage). I finally realized a different approach was needed. The following week upon arriving home, I simply listened to her, did not say a word, and when she was through talking I said, “It sounds like you have had a tough week. You must be exhausted. Why don’t we get a baby sitter and go out for dinner tomorrow night.” Home life got much better. I had begun hearing her feelings and communicating what I was hearing.
It was hard for me as a husband to use the techniques I taught and coached managers to use. I can understand how difficult it may be for others to change and become true leaders through becoming great listeners.
Rephrase
Rephrasing is used to confirm what you are hearing and has proven helpful to many managers when needing to remember a prior discussion. It is also used to encourage someone to continue talking and is helpful when brainstorming or otherwise encouraging creativity in your workplace. It is used to confirm agreements and is also used to redirect conversation when it drifts off topic.
Rephrasing is simply repeating in your own words what the sender of the message is communicating to you. It is the basic tool used to close the communication feedback loop. Keep in mind that if the message is important, both the facts and feelings should be communicated back to the person talking with you. Several examples of this skill have already been discussed, but here is one more to help with understanding.
Your team member has come to you to explain that the application project has run off its tracks and is not only behind schedule but will experience major cost overruns. Not a good day for you or him. The conversation might go something like this, “Are you out of your ever lovin’ mind?” However, you have been to our charm school and know that closed questions are out of the question. You are going to practice open questions and rephrasing that includes feeling statements. So, instead of a good chewing out, you say, “You sound concerned, what were the causes and how do you think we can get the project back on track?” Then, you might ask, “How can I help?”
Silence
Interestingly, enough silent and listen possess the same letters. Silence can be misunderstood and misused. Suffice it to say what it means is you do not interrupt and do not think of rebuttals or solutions while your employee, peer, or superior are talking. Just remain very quiet, clear your head and listen. A method for clearing your mind is to be prepared to tell them what they told you. By doing so and being completely quiet, you will ascertain the full message being conveyed. Your sender may already have determined the best course of action. So, close your lips and listen!
I was serving a 3M plant and had provided leadership training for their managers and supervisors. One day, a supervisor I was coaching called me to his office. He told me his manager had called in the union president to discuss growing conflicts in the department and had invited him to attend. He said the meeting lasted for more than 2 hours and the manager used all the listening skills you are learning in this chapter. During the meeting, the supervisor attempted to talk and his manager kicked him under the table to remain silent. At the end of the meeting, they learned the personnel issues all had to do with the fact the president did not receive positive feedback for his work and was bothered that neither he nor other crew members were being recognized for their efforts.