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Bringing Your Dad Network Together

by Scott Behson

Quick Takes

You’re at an industry conference. You’ve been chatting with a new acquaintance after the keynote address. You’ve hit it off and have some things in common. He works in the same industry you do and faces a lot of the same challenges at his work. Do you exchange information, stay in touch, and follow up with him to talk shop and give each other help and advice? Because you understand the importance of networking, you probably do.

You’re at your kid’s soccer game. You’ve been chatting with a new acquaintance on the sideline. You’ve hit it off and have some things in common. He lives in the same town and your kids are of similar ages, and he faces a lot of the same challenges juggling work demands with being a good dad. Do you exchange information, stay in touch, then follow up with him to exchange ideas and give each other help and advice? Despite the fact that you understand the importance of networking, you probably don’t.

This example represents a missed opportunity, an unforced error that working dads make all the time. The networking skills you bring to your career can help you build a fatherhood network. And a fatherhood network accomplishes in our home lives the same positive outcomes as professional networking does for our careers: mutually beneficial relationships, advice, information, and encouragement.

Networking is critically important for working fathers. So many of us lack an extensive friendship and peer support network, at a time in our lives when we need these the most. But our longtime friends move away, get married, have kids, and become just as busy as we are juggling careers and fatherhood. Further, most men over 30 find it hard to make new friends—it often feels awkward and vulnerable to make that first step.¹ Finally, many of us feel guilty about our long hours, so much so that we devote our nonwork time to our kids and to giving our spouses some well-deserved free time.

Our lack of fatherhood networks makes it hard for us to attend to our needs for well-being, friendship, and mutual support—things that make us more effective, happier fathers in the long run. As this dad articulates: ²

I don’t need friendships now any less than I did when I was younger, and I certainly feel their absence in my life today, sometimes very acutely. But the realities of being an adult and a dad with a career seem to preclude making new emotionally sustaining friendships. So it begs the question: Where do dads get friends?

That’s where your networking skills come in. It’s time to stop worrying about feeling awkward or coming off as too eager. There’s ample opportunity to build fatherhood networks both at work and at home, if we just put in some effort up front.

Good networkers leverage workplace connections

If we don’t already have good work friends who face similar work-life challenges, we should try to cultivate these relationships. Simple actions like asking coworkers about their kids can start the process. We can build on this by organizing weekly lunch groups or after-work happy hours. Then take it a step further—set up a time for your group to meet outside of work—this is especially easy if your kids are at playground age.

In addition to informal networking, many employers host employee resource groups (ERGs) around employee interests and identities. You can join a parenting ERG to meet fellow working parents, share ideas, and learn from those who have older kids. If your firm doesn’t yet have a group for dads, you might want to start one. You’ll likely get lots of interest and support—after all, Deloitte has hosted a successful dads’ group since 2010.³

Good networkers seek out new opportunities

Our children almost certainly go to school and participate in sports and other activities. These are greatly under utilized places to connect with fellow dads. Schools and day cares often host events and volunteer opportunities for parents. The PTA is often only 75% women, and many men volunteer and attend school functions held at night. Most schools would be happy to host a “Dad’s Group” if a dad or two decided to start one.

Good networkers not only make chitchat with other dads at kids’ activities, they take the next step. After all, these people have similar interests and challenges, are clearly also interested in being involved dads, and can provide mutual emotional and instrumental support. Next time, step out of your comfort zone, exchange emails and phone numbers, and then organize a guys’ night. As this dad says:

I think fatherhood is the ultimate bonding opportunity for men, at least for those who are fortunate enough to experience it. I don’t know whether to call it a club or a fraternity or whatever, but there’s something bonding about fatherhood.

Good networkers make networking a regular part of their schedules

The next step is to arrange for regular get-togethers. Regularity matters—trust and friendship are built over time around shared experiences. I am lucky that my neighbor started a Wednesday night tradition of inviting his local guy friends, most of whom are balancing interesting and rewarding careers with the rigors of being fathers to young kids, to hang out by the fire pit in his backyard. Because this is a standing group on a regular night, we are more likely to schedule the time and be able to attend, and because it’s a large group, it’s OK if, some weeks, life gets in the way of attending. We’ve come to call this brilliant innovation “Beer Fire.”

I have greatly benefited from Beer Fire—it’s relaxing and fun, and I always learn a little something from every one I talk to. Our conversations naturally gravitate to what we all share in common—our careers, our kids, and how we try to juggle it all. We’ve discussed a wide range of topics including kids’ chores and allowances, the merits of local swimming and dance programs, and even how to negotiate with our bosses for more flexible schedules.

Good networkers create their own opportunities

Following my neighbor’s example, I organized Thursday night “Zoom happy hours” with several of my college friends during the spring 2020 height of social distancing. Of course, we talk about old times, but more often we discuss how we are dealing with work from home and online school. Just as the pandemic changed remote work, it is changing dad networks, too—keeping in touch with old friends actually seems easier.

Whatever you are interested in, there’s probably a group of peers eager for the opportunity to join you and buddy up. With a little thought, planning, and putting yourself out there, you could organize a hiking group, or a Saturday morning pickup basketball game, gather to watch Monday Night Football, form a cover band to jam together, or join a local volunteering organization.

Good networkers leverage existing organizations

Many community organizations and churches have started parenting groups, and many are even developing groups specifically for dads. One dad’s experience demonstrates how important these can be:

My church was my entry point for meeting so many fellow dads. Now I’m involved with the Knights of Columbus one or two nights a week. We do a lot of good, which is very fulfilling, but it also gets me out of the apartment and keeps me from feeling isolated.

Also, now I know so many good dads—some my own age, others older, others younger, and we can share advice and learn from each other. I’ve been helped so much by their advice and example in being a better dad and husband.

On a broader scale, City Dads Group was founded in New York City in 2008 by two new dads who were frustrated by the lack of resources, groups, and other supports for fathers.⁴ At first, they simply got together with some fellow dads to meet at playgrounds and parks. Word spread, so they started an online “meetup” group page, which then grew into dozens of dads getting together. There are now City Dads Groups in 40 metro areas around the country—hosting dad-and-kid events, dads-only social events, and even new-dad boot camps in which expecting dads learn from experienced dads. This may be a good place to start your fatherhood network.

Good networkers make things happen

However you decide to get started, applying your career networking skills and making the effort to develop and maintain a network of dads is well worth it. Fatherhood networks give us access to advice, encouragement, and most importantly, the friendships that can make all the difference as we juggle our careers with our most important life role—being great fathers.