12
CREATING POWERFUL FAMILY AND COMMUNITY GATHERINGS

Aprimary intention for this book is to provide tools for empowering our families and friends to serve our larger community as love in action, by committing to being family with each other while engaging in cultural and social change. Now that we have reviewed the essential tools of the Familia Approach for connecting, co-powering, facilitating family meetings, and creating experiences that inspire, I offer here several examples of how these tools can be used to support powerful family or community gatherings that aid us in becoming beloved community.

Creating Family

We repeatedly hear the adage that it takes a village to raise a child. This may work for many villages because all members feel responsible for the children in their community; that is the expectation that they hold for themselves and each other. How can we generate a similar feeling among family and friends today? One way is by developing the pact of being family with those we wish to be close with. The following example illustrates the tradition we are evolving to recognize and celebrate the commitment of becoming family in a way that nurtures increased community connectedness. While the strategy is grounded in our Chicano culture, it could be easily adapted to resonate with many other traditions.

Within our community, we have evolved formal and informal traditions for adopting and creating family. Often our relationship with 200 close friends becomes so family-like that we use the first opportunity that surfaces to make them our compadres or comadres, which literally means coparents, or in popular usage, “dear friends.” When we initially present our children to the community, or for their baptism, quinceañera (a traditional coming-of-age celebration for young girls on their fifteenth birthday), or wedding, we often select a close couple to serve as their godparents. Already treated like an adopted brother, sister, cousin, or best friend, they become official compadres, coparents to our children, or at least important friends to us and them.

The first time I was made a compadre and godparent I felt greatly honored, and took my role seriously. In my early organizing years, I lived away from home and on an austere budget, so I felt blessed that the Soto family considered me enough like family to always have a chair for me at their dinner table, even when they were straining to make ends meet. When it came time to baptize their son, they asked me to be the godparent. I wanted to fulfill this responsibility well, so we made explicit their expectations of me and my commitment as godparent to their son. For the next fifteen years that we lived relatively near to each other, we were readily available to each other for child care, to support each other’s organizing projects, or to share family time. Thirty years have passed, and I remain a committed and supportive friend to my godson.

As others in our extended network chose to formally make their friends their family, I was often called to facilitate a ceremony or unity circle. My requirement for facilitating the ceremony was that the family and godparents met first and articulated mutual expectations. If it was going to be a baptism ceremony, they had to clarify the expectations and commitments of the godparent to the child. If the occasion was to be a quinceañera, the young person would have to meet with her new godparents to clarify mutual expectations. Subsequently, I would meet with them to design the ceremony making public to family and friends their commitments to each other.

Lorena García’s presentation ceremony illustrates how commitments are made public and friends come to recognize each other as family. Lorena’s dad, Lorenzo, contacted me to share his frustration and vision. He was no longer a practicing Catholic, yet he wanted 201 his daughter to benefit from having godparents in her life. Ideally, he wanted to formally adopt several godparents for his daughter, including my wife and me, his brother, and his former sister-in-law, Loraine. He asked for my assistance to design and facilitate the ceremony. As Lorena was twelve years old, we decided to call it a presentation ceremony because we were presenting her to the community as a preteenager. We scheduled a meeting with the selected godparents. At our meeting, I asked Lorena what her expectations were of her new godparents, and in turn asked the godparents about their expectations and commitments.

On our ceremony day, family and friends gathered at the Fire Circle picnic area in the Oakland hills, overlooking the Bay Area. We prepared the grounds for the unity circle by placing stakes at each of the cardinal points and blessing the circle with the burning of sage. Then we came together and the unity circle began with the welcome and prayer salutations to each of the directions. During these prayers, an eagle appeared over the circle, which we saw as a good omen. We then proceeded with the ceremony.

I asked Lorena’s parents to state the purpose of the gathering and to present Lorena by sharing with our community the personality they saw evolving in their daughter. Afterward, I asked Lorena to introduce her godparents and say why she had selected them. Inviting the new godparents into the circle, I asked each to share the commitments they were making to Lorena and her family. Loraine shared her promise to always be there as a friend, an aunt, and a godparent. Lorena’s uncle committed himself to always be available, to learn from her, and, hopefully, to impart some of his experience. Rebeca and I expressed our commitment to support her in our prayers and in learning about our culture and our tradition of giving back to the community.

As a token of our collective commitment, we asked the group to assist us in blessing a gift necklace for Lorena. As the necklace was passed around the circle, everyone was invited to extend their blessings to Lorena by holding it and sharing their words. After everyone spoke, the necklace was presented to our new goddaughter, who was then invited to speak. Lorena was thanking everyone for their good wishes when a deer came down near to the circle and 202 just stood there, seeming to be listening to her words. Lorena acknowledged all in the circle as family and also promised to do her best to become a person who would make us all proud. To close, I asked everyone in the group to express in a word or phrase what they felt from this circle. People exclaimed, “love,” “respect,” “hope,” and “pride.” Then I asked, “What will we take from this circle to share with our own families?” This time we heard, “love,” “respect for our young people,” “commitment to communication,” and “a commitment to fight for a healthy world for our children’s children.” We finally ended the circle with an invitation for all to share hugs.¹

Eighteen years later, there are significant individual, family, and community outcomes to note. Lorena graduated from the university with advanced degrees and works as the director of fund development for a legal advocacy center. Her godmother, Loraine, continues to be her friend, counselor, and aunt, and her uncle Pablo has fulfilled his intentions to provide support and encouragement. Rebeca and I are always glad to see Lorena when we can. She credits much of who she is today to her father, who always ensured that she was surrounded by family and friends committed to community and family activism.

Many of us who participated in the ceremony felt that it affirmed that we were part of the extended García familia or beloved community. Consequently, when Lorenzo, Lorena’s dad, launched a citizen’s education and voter registration organization, Votantes Unidos (United Voters)² and came to us for support, many of us who were part of his beloved community extended our financial or volunteer support because on the occasion of this unity circle, and others that we shared, we had made or affirmed commitments to be familia and fight for a healthier community.

Unity Circles Create Miracles

What are miracles? When a young person discovers he is truly loved and respected by others, is that a miracle? Is it a miracle when a family learns how to listen and communicate with each other? I believe that any personal or group growth that helps us become better people can be seen as a miracle. These are miracles because they represent203 an evolution in our ability to be more human, an evolution that may not have happened without some extraordinary event to catalyze or support this growth.

Unity circles can make miracles happen. As a facilitator, you plan and guide a circle to nurture unity, inspiration, and happiness, and then you expect the unexpected. Knowing that miracles can happen makes us more sensitive and creative in our role. The following story is about applying the Familia Approach to support the development of our young people and about the multiple transformations that occurred.

I am a godparent to the Castro family, and for years I served as a facilitator for their family ceremonies, including birthdays, baptisms, and quinceañeras. Many of these gatherings included a number of young men who were friends of their young adult sons, some of whom were street tough and somewhat reserved during the ceremonies. While not participating directly, these young men were usually present as active observers. Several times after an event, a couple would approach me to ask if I would do a circle “just for the guys.” I would tell them, “Call me when you’re ready,” and they finally did.

One of the young men, Rick, asked if I would help him organize a ceremony for Tomás, who was leaving in a few days for the navy. Their group of six guys had been partners throughout high school, and while most objected to Tomás going into the navy, they respected his decision and wanted to send him off in a good way. They wanted the ceremony to occur outdoors with a campfire.

On a Friday night, we drove into the hills to a local campground. David, Rick’s older brother, joined us for this gathering. We found an isolated area, and soon we were sitting under a canopy of pine trees around a warming fire, the flames flickering against the dark night. When one of the guys pulled out his liquor bottle, I reminded them that alcohol and smoking were not appropriate during ceremony time.

We formed the circle and I invited Rick to extend the welcome, then I asked the group to stand while I explained why we burn sage: “We burn white sage to create sacred time and to invite our courage, our spirit, our elders, and other loved ones to be with us.” I lit the 204 sage, extended prayers to each of the directions, and then walked around the circle smudging each person with the sage smoke.

To begin, I asked them to share names of people or ancestors they wanted to invite to our circle that night. The names of grandparents and friends were shared, and then one name was mentioned that touched several of the young men. Antonio García had been killed the previous week. He was one of our community heroes, a good and caring person who had been shot dead by a young woman high on drugs. In remembrance, he was brought into the circle.

A little later, I asked the young men why they had come to the circle. David immediately spoke. “I know this isn’t my crew. I met you through my lil’ bro, but you’re all partners with my bro so that makes us carnales (brothers).³ So I hope it’s cool that I’m here. I had to be off the streets tonight. I’ve been feeling full of a lot of anger and confusion, and that something is gonna come down, either to me or someone close to me. It’s Friday night, so who knows what kind of hell I’d be getting into if I wasn’t here. So I’m here to support my brothers, feed my soul, and focus my energy. I needed to be in my spirit and to be here tonight.” His honesty touched us deeply. Several of the young men immediately acknowledged their respect for him and assured him that he was and would always be part of this circle.

David’s sincerity created a miracle. Some of the guys who rarely spoke began to share. Because David disclosed a deep truth, they felt they could also confide their thoughts or feelings. There would be no judgments. Someone commented that he felt Antonio’s spirit present. Possibly feeling the presence of spirit and carrying the fresh sorrow of Antonio’s death, the group responded with a conversation about guns, why a few of them carried, and the craziness on the street. The heart words continued. I just listened.

A couple of the young men had been carrying guns since their early teens and were now acknowledging that it had to end because they were either going to be killed, or worse, they would kill someone else. Throughout the ceremony, the young men continued to acknowledge their respect for each other. They were proud that Rick was going to college, they were proud that Tomás was going into the navy, they were proud of how they had been there for each other. Later, as the 205 fire burned low, we closed the circle with each person sharing their heart words with Tomás, a prayer, and then abrazos (hugs).

Most of the young men in the circle that evening found a place of deeper trust and respect among their peers where they could share their struggles, be heard, and have their honesty validated. As David was able to dissipate some of the anger consuming his heart, others were able to articulate difficult issues concerning their lives. One later expressed his belief that Antonio, the young man who had been murdered, was present in spirit, that he was able to observe the circle and draw gladness that his life was not lost in vain. He could smile because the circle had invited him to convey a message that had not been previously heard. A couple of the young men affirmed that their lives were too precious to continue carrying weapons and gave up their guns. All of the young men were so moved by this experience that they agreed to meet again for a council meeting, and the circle grew as other brothers and cousins were invited. And Tomás was able to leave for the navy feeling strong and powerful because he knew that his partners would continue caring about him.

Many years have passed since that circle, and I can clearly see the miracles that happened. Around the time of the ceremony, David had been struggling with guilt about being one of the few people in his group to survive the ghetto experience. Most of his childhood partners were living “la vida loca” —gang banging, selling drugs, and using drugs, and it was possible that he would have followed a similar path. Today, David and Rick are both highly recognized public school teachers. Both are working in the community in which they were raised, helping young people find a good path. When I asked David how he survived, he said, “Familia, cultura, our struggle, and ceremonia (the unity circle).⁴ Ceremonia reminds me of my courage and power. It helps me focus my purpose and direction. There is lot of ugliness in the world, but ceremonia helps me realize that there is also beauty. This offers hope, which is absolutely essential to continue our progress.”

When I asked a couple of the young men what miracles had happened for them that night, they told me:

• I felt like I had a true family, brothers I could depend on and who could depend on me.
• I became more confident and secure because I knew I could say what I felt and the others would understand.
• I learned that ceremony can improve our communication by making us want to be more honest and positive.
• Images and feelings of the circle have stayed with me. There are times when I am down, but when I remember the circle and the burning sage, I know that I am not alone and that there is a lot of good in the world.

This experience affected me as well. It helped me overcome my own prejudices about our youth on the street. It deepened my understanding that young people need opportunities to receive and show respect. Most of these young men were physically large and somewhat intimidating, rarely smiled, and at first glance might be judged as “gangster types.” This experience reminded me that I shouldn’t be quick to judge, that these young people were trying to survive in the best way they knew how.

My evening with them was a blessing and an honor. While the young men may not have been comfortable naming it as such, they exchanged and were touched by deep love. Everything about their lives on the street and among their peers required that they never show vulnerability or weakness. That night, they created the miracle of love, and demonstrated and strengthened their courage to be good men.

Besides the transformations that occurred for several of the young men that evening, the experience also contributed to them becoming a more connected familia. I am repeatedly inspired hearing about how they have maintained and expanded their circle into their own beloved community. They support each other. Now, some with children and others not, they assist each other in being conscious teachers and role models for the kids, to foster their self-confidence and teach values about family and community. They are not always perfect, but they often do remind each other about being their best, and I have seen them support each other in various activist and community projects.

Unity circles offer men a place where trust and respect can grow.

Because of the miracles that can come from bringing people together for meaningful sharing, we need more people to initiate unity or sharing circles among families and friends. Initially many have thoughts like, “I can’t do it, I’m not that spiritual, I could never speak to a group.” If these have been your considerations, I ask that you discard them as old insecurities limiting your power. Trust that if you feel even the least desire or calling to do this work, you can do it, and many people will reflect their love and support back to you for having the courage to step forward.

The Men’s Council: Time to Feed the Soul

While experiences like unity circles and other meaningful family gatherings can inspire insights and even commitments to change, most of us need something more regular to support our ability to be the change we desire. We need regular conversations or meetings to support us with the ongoing learning and affirmation necessary to continue living the path of transformation. Here the council, the tradition of ongoing meetings for mutual sharing and support, is a 208 tremendous resource. While the council story presented below involves men meeting in a manner that draws from our indigenous tradition, councils can be organized by and for men, women, and youth of all cultures or interests.

I recently retrieved a message from my answering machine from Ignacio, a young single father: “Just calling to say, I won the custody case for my children. Everyone said I’m doing a great job with the kids. My thanks to you and the men’s council. You have all sustained me these past two years. I couldn’t have done it without everyone’s counsel and support.” Ignacio’s gratitude echoed the words of many others who have participated in our Oakland Men’s Council over the past twenty years.

During the late 1970s, I collaborated with folks from a number of related community networks to organize councils to aid us in supporting each other in living the values of love and community action. The councils were composed of people committed to sharing dialogue and support while using tools from our “indigenous council tradition.” For a number of years, I cofacilitated several councils that brought together family, friends, and colleagues to assist each other to live and work in a porvida way to foster love and transformation in all our actions. At one point, Ron Chavez, a compadre dedicated to community building, confided that he—and he believed, other men—needed a men’s council to support our growth as hombres de corazón (men guided by the heart). We collaborated in organizing a men’s retreat in January 1987 that resulted in a men’s council that has been meeting on the first Friday of the month ever since.

Our initial retreat involved more than twenty mostly Latino men who were dedicated to community service. As we continued meeting, thirteen of those men became regular participants, coming together to discern what it means to be “men guided by the heart” while exploring the issues that restrained our transformative potential. Our group was kept semiclosed to strengthen the trust required for deep spiritual exploration and personal growth. For many of us who carried major leadership responsibilities in the community, this circle became a safe haven for sharing vulnerabilities, and learning from each other wisdom for being good fathers, sons, and community leaders. Repeatedly, members expressed that they were there 209 “to drink from the well,” to feed their soul, and to share their experience with others who might benefit.

As original members left, friends and others desiring to share support were invited to join the council. After eleven years, it became apparent that many others could also benefit from the medicine of dialogue and the spirit of community we shared within the council. Consequently, we decided to become a more open council and extended an invitation to a number of young men whom we viewed as future leaders.

Now, after twenty years, the Oakland Men’s Council has evolved to be a truly multigenerational group, mostly Latinos, yet also multi-cultural.⁵ One of our charter documents well reflects the group’s purpose: “We believe that healthy individuals are needed to create healthy families and a healthy world. We come together to create sacred space to nurture our spirit and support each other’s growth. We join together as men with the purpose to evolve our humanness, our spirituality, and our ability to be ‘healer/warriors’ in the world.”

Two years ago, Ignacio was invited to one of our council sessions. During the introductory sharing round in which everyone offers a brief version of “what is going great or what is challenging in your life,” Ignacio shared his confusion. He felt he was on the verge of a separation from his wife and wanted to move forward in a responsible way for his young children (ages two and four years). His wife had been supportive of him during his university studies and he was attempting to do the same for her. However, during her studies she moved away, leaving him to assume primary parenting responsibilities. He expressed the conflict he felt almost every evening holding his children as they cried, wanting to know when mommy was coming home. Ignacio’s struggle involved not wanting to say anything negative about mommy, but also feeling his own pain and frustration. Feeling his anguish, members of the council extended support and friendship, and assured him that whenever he attended council, he would have time to voice his feelings and discuss his difficulties. If desired, we would offer our reflections, validations, and prayers.

Despite complexities that continued to surface within Ignacio’s family, there were also times to rejoice over victories Ignacio was experiencing as a committed father. One time he took his children to 210 a march for immigrant rights, and his son asked why everyone was walking together. Ignacio responded, “We want all people to live a better life.” Later his son expressed pride to his dad that they were continuing to march for justice like César Chávez had done years before. Over time, Ignacio continued to share difficult challenges and invite counsel from the other men, just as many of us had been doing for each other, teaching all of us how to be more loving fathers, uncles, and sons.

Councils can be facilitated in many forms, and there are no strict requirements, provided the essential goal to support each other’s growth is honored. The Oakland Men’s Council uses the following format. We gather once a month at a set time, and commence with a traditional honoring of the four directions done with burning sage and sharing prayers. The session then begins with each member offering brief words about their life realities. This initial conocimiento typically surfaces potential themes or questions for the evening. These may include matters raised during the prior gathering or new issues, and vary from how to be supportive of rebellious children to how to be an agent of change within one’s extended family or workplace. At times personal issues that need to be heard and supported become our first concern. The themes for the evening are selected by the group, and the designated facilitator serves to maintain the focus. Over the years, these dialogues have resulted in many miracles as members discharge the stresses of their lives, gain insights on dealing with family and work matters, revive their commitment to community activism, or experience the healing of receiving or extending prayers. More about the principles used to guide our meetings is elaborated in “Constants for Our Gatherings,” presented below.

The foremost perspective shared by the group is that the selfishness, materialism, and exploitation prevalent in our society must be transformed. The council is our means to encourage love and move this transformation, beginning with ourselves and our family and friends. We are inspired by the courage demonstrated by each other and the knowledge that there are many other councils similar to ours occurring around the country that also support growth, empowerment, and dedicated action to better our world.⁶

MEN’S COUNCIL:
CONSTANTS FOR OUR GATHERINGS

We meet in the tradition of Chicano men’s councils, which welcome all men committed to personal development, social justice, respect for our earth, and peace in our world. Our meetings are guided by the following principles.⁷

1. Honor the council as sacred time and place.
   • Come with the intention of honoring each other and the Creator by listening attentively and sharing our truths.
2. Create a collective center.
   • Form the circle and an altar to focus the group energy.
3. Open with gratitude and invitation.
   • Begin with sage burning, and prayers to the Creator and your ancestors. These prayers include words of gratitude, recognition and invitation, and requests for support and guidance.
4. 4. Nurture our relationship as community.
   • Provide for conocimiento to reaffirm trust and bring all voices to the circle.
   • Continue the relationships of mutual support outside the circle.
5. 5. Share our experience to feel, heal, and learn.
   • Listen with and speak from the heart; speak with respect and love.
   • Communicate your experience to reclaim your ability to feel, and to permit the members to learn from each other.
6. 212Support and share leadership.
   • All share the responsibility to encourage the participation of all members and to support the designated leader’s facilitation.
7. End with gratitude.
   • End councils with words of gratitude to the Creator and to each other.

PRAXIS

1. Are there friends whom you would like to recognize as family? What benefits could you see in formally recognizing your bond as uncle, aunt, nephew, niece, or cousin? What type of ceremony, small or large, can you envision that would honor and support your wish to create family in this way?
2. What benefits might you see for yourself, and for others, in having available a support group such as the men’s council? Could you envision initiating such a council? What would be your purpose? How could you initiate its organization?
3. Create an opportunity to share one of these stories with a group of family or friends, and then have a conversation. Ask them for their insights and feelings, and how you might apply these tools within your circles or networks. The group’s ideas will be many, so prioritize a few and support each other in their implementation.