Example

I met one person looking to get to the top, who wasn’t going to look back, who had grand ambitions, who had already achieved so much at such a young age. This person suddenly seemed to stagnate and freeze solid in their career, just as they were stepping forward to the next level which looked to be very exciting and hold a lot of possibility. When we worked together they were very honest about what their family and friends kept saying to them: ‘Was this really what you want at this stage in your life’, ‘You’ve achieved so much, this just doesn’t seem to make sense to us’, ‘Shouldn’t you go back to the company you were working for’. This person realised the constant talk wherever they went was beginning to affect their mindset; and not just their mindset. As we talked through the issues they found they were facing they were able to see where it was impacting on their actions too. I think the scariest impact you can see of other people’s thoughts on yourself is the way that they can impact on the actions you take and the way you speak to other people: it literally can make you speak in a different way and get a different result.

Think about that for a moment. Instead of being in a meeting and being like a healthy equation that you prepare and that you know will work so that you feel comfortable and confident in what you will say and do to get the results you want, you walk in, fumble and fall over your words. You forget what you wanted to say, what you want to get and end up feeling like a fool who missed the point of the meeting.

Another way that I’ve seen this fear impact on a person’s ability to succeed is when it comes to action. However, it does not manifest itself as a fear, it manifests itself as procrastination. I know someone who was so worried about what one person was thinking that it literally stopped them taking action on their business. It stopped them in their tracks. How could they confront this person? How could they deal with this person? What would they say? It whirred around in their head at night stopping them from sleeping and it blocked their brain’s ability to think during the working day so they couldn’t concentrate on anything else either. That was the reason they came to me, because they knew something was wrong; however, they didn’t know what. By working together, we were able to see what their negative circle was (see figure).

The good news is that by becoming aware of the process that they were allowing to happen they were able to deal with it really fast. Unlike fears like public speaking or phone fear, where some genuine skills need to be learnt as well as changing your mindset and your beliefs, this fear can be dealt with just by dealing with what you think. I know the word ‘just’ is a bit of a stretch because it is something you may have done for a long time. However, that is the joy about the mindset. With the right support and the right actions, you can change it.

Exercise 1 – Power goals 2

The first exercise I want you to do could change your life for ever. That is not a flippant over-exaggeration. This is said from the experience of the people I’ve worked with. I’ve always told my clients: ‘This is not therapy, this is coaching. Let’s find out what’s wrong and sort it.’ When you learn the true power of this exercise it can really help you in so many fears.

Have you ever spotted a person across a crowded room and thought, ‘you are the one for me’ and not been able to see anyone else? Or have you ever been driving along and only one car is catching your eye, because it’s your dream car? It’s that constant ability to be so focused and intent on your end target that nothing else comes into view; and that includes someone else’s thoughts.

Setting goals that are so focused and clear you feel like you’ve already achieved them can really help. Let’s look at how that is achieved. I could talk about creating SMART (Specific Measurable Achievable Realistic and Time measurable) goals; however, even that doesn’t go far enough.

To stay so focused so that you are like a runaway train, never losing momentum you need to do the following:

1. Know that the goal is aligned to your core values (and you know how to check that, right?)
2. Write down everything you could do to achieve that goal. And here is the key. Regardless of time constraints, skill gaps, money shortages, reality gaps; the fact that you don’t know the said movie star; the fact that unicorns don’t exist. Don’t let anything get sidetracked. Write anything and everything down. When you allow your creative brain to go wild with any ideas that pop into your head, then your brain can really explore the depths of your subconscious for ideas that might be lurking in there. Remember, if you’ve been so busy stressing about what everyone else is thinking your brain has no space to think of creative or clever ideas about how to achieve what you really want. This exercise frees your mind. Quite literally. So if you are constantly worrying about what that person at work thinks of you, write down what you want to be achieving, not what you want to be thinking about that person. This is an internal, not an external goal. Does that person factor in your goal? Will you be that person’s boss? If so, how? When? If that person is not directly related to that goal, do not add them to your long list of possibilities to achieve your goal.
3. When you have written a long list of what you could do, write a second page of what you could do. By writing for longer and letting your brain become totally immersed in this exercise it will create more ideas and that is where the stronger ideas are; the first ideas you write down are the ones that your mind has been churning around in your head and keeping you awake at night. It’s only by really getting to grips with the absurd and daft ideas that you are able to embrace the ideas that could be powerful. For instance, it may sound mad to talk about unicorns, magic or blowing up phones to get a bit of peace and quiet; however, from mad ideas you can create sensible ones. No its not realistic to blow up all the phones in the office; however, it is realistic to use sound-deadening head phones, or to get to work early or to put your phone on silent, isn’t it? Can you see why it is important to write more? This can be tricky. So stick with it. If you find it hard to be creative and it’s not your natural state, here are some suggestions to take you deeper into creative goal ideas:
   • ‘I could quit working here and set up my own business, even though I would need millions in funding (that would magically get given to me) to head hunt the top five people in the industry (they’d all get brainwashed into coming with me) and need to magically gain the skills of the top negotiators in the world to get the contracts we would need.’ (It is crazy but go with it; crazy ideas, allow your creative brain to think freely.)
   • ‘I could become the world’s first self-employed person doing this. Even though the industries we work in don’t allow this, I would use the magic powers to make that all change.’ (Many industries have had change thrust upon them, it happened because someone turned around and said ‘Yes, but why?’ let your creative mind ask the ‘Yes, but why?’)
4. When you have a really long list, allow your brain to look through the crazy ideas. And feel what feels interesting (still don’t allow your conscious ‘that it’s impossible’ part of your brain to take over). The daft ones may make you laugh; however, they could actually have grains of good ideas in them. Things do not stay the same. Remember that, because when we make assumptions about what people are thinking, it can impact on the actions we take. So by creating clear goals that are internal and are not based on someone else but ourselves we are able to stay focused on them. With your mind on the ones that interest you, come up with a list of a maximum of three. Remember too many goals is as bad as too much thought. It causes lack of actions because we can become overwhelmed.
5. For each goal know what you could do to achieve the end result. Keep the crazy ideas in there, because they can be the ones that can spur real ideas to surface from a deeper level of consciousness.
6. Of the ideas you have created, what actions will you take?
7. The biggest issue I see in most goals is the assumptions you are making. What assumptions are you making around this goal? Do you assume that the boss just wants you to turn up to work and do your job and not make suggestions? ‘He wouldn’t be interested in my idea to save the company 15% on HR costs.’ Do you assume that the amazing inspirational business speaker you just heard doesn’t need an accountant so you won’t tell them about how you could help them (not sell at them; in the 21st century there is no need to sell ‘at’ people!) Have you assumed that the person looking across the room at you in the networking event is giving you dirty looks and hates you. Or that they are envious of you and are desperate to know how you do it. ‘How I do it? How I do what? I’m was thinking the same about you!’
8. Assumptions are a bigger obstacle to success and we will tackle them in more detail in the next chapter; however, in this chapter if you don’t know, don’t assume. When it comes to what people are thinking, that is their concern not yours. Stay focused on your work goals.
9. Stay focused. If you create a clearly defined goal and a course of action that you constantly and effectively work on, eradicating the assumptions that cause you to procrastinate and waiver from positive thought and strong conviction, then you will be able to stay focused. However, the most successful people will tell you that every success has a good few dollops of stress and failure. What will you do to stay focused? Remember that you need to know on a good day how to deal with a bad day? Remember the people, the places, the words and the actions that will keep you in a positive mindset to keep you focused.

Exercise 2 – The bubble game

Another exercise that is powerful to remember when you over-scrutinise other people’s thoughts is that other people are actually as busy with their own thoughts as you are with yours: and I can prove this. I’ve done a lot of training and speaking engagements around public speaking fears and skills. One of the areas it is feared the most is at a networking event. In a room full of professionals, I will point out the person sat furthest to the left of me and say, ‘Right now this person is the most frightened in the room’, and everyone sniggers.

Then I explain that when it comes to public speaking and you tell everyone that we are now all going to do our elevator pitches and we are going to start on the right of the room, the person on the left of the room, is thinking, ‘Oh no, I’m last!.’ This basically means they won’t hear what any of you are saying because they have got at least half an hour to be worried about public speaking and what they are going to say. How do I know this? Because that used to be me! And that always gets a laugh, because it’s so true. When I’ve asked the audience ‘what kind of things do you find yourself thinking when you are the person sat in the audience instead of on stage, people have shared:

• ‘I’m glad it’s not me up there.’
• ‘I could never do that.’
• ‘If it looks like that microphone is coming near me, I’m going to pretend I need to take a call.’
• ‘I can’t think straight because I know it’s me next.’

I once read we would rather be in the coffin at a funeral than at the front giving the eulogy!

So when you take that into the context of scrutinising what people think, and you’ve been asked to think, and your mind is awash with ‘They think I’m rubbish’, ‘They are looking at the spot on my nose’, ‘I bet they are wondering why I’ve been asked to do this instead of Mrs X’, in actual fact they are all thinking: ‘Wow what a relief it’s not me up there!’

Imagine if you played the bubble game the next time the fear was creeping into your head you imagine little speech bubbles appearing above people’s heads. What would really be in them? I’m sorry to burst your bubble, but none of us are that important in other people’s heads that they are actually thinking about us all day. So what would be in other people’s speech bubbles magically appearing above their heads?

• ‘I wonder what’s for tea?’
• ‘Did I lock the back door?’
• ‘I don’t think I turned my phone on silent, that could be embarrassing.’
• ‘That feels like a hole in my tights, I better subtly check that before I stand up.’
• ‘I think that is Mr Smith over there. I hear there is position going in his department, I ought to go and have a chat when this is over.’
• ‘How come he looks calm and confident speaking to us and I’m nervous just being in the room. Is everyone staring at me?’

Exercise 3 – Write it, rant it, bin it

Lastly, when it comes to scrutinising what people are thinking, there will be occasions when you need to do something about it. Not all thoughts in someone else’s head can be ignored. It could be your gut instinct needs listening to; that what you think is being said is being said and that it is impacting on your ability to win at work. This final exercise is called Write it, Rant it, Bin it.

I love the stories I’ve read about great people – Ghandi, Mother Teresa, Winston Churchill and so many others. I also get saddened by the fact that so many people share their quotes on social media; however, they do not share their actions. You see all great moments in time came about by what someone did rather than what they said. They may have started with what they thought, but it was their actions that mattered. It was their actions that changed history. Not what came out of their mouths. That is important to remember for the ‘Write it, Rant it, Bin it’ exercise.

• Think what you think is being said?
• How is it impacting on you?
• How is it impacting on your success?
• I don’t want you to confront this person in the real world (yet).
• I want you to literally write everything you can about what you think it is doing to you. What you think it is causing to happen to your life, your success and your future.
• Now get really angry about it.
• How dare they!
• How dare they damage your success!
• How dare they be so outrageous as to impact on what you want in life, this is disgusting, this is abhorrent, this a travesty of justice!

You still feel that they are at risk of impacting on your ability to win at work. This is one of the rare occasions where you will have to confront and challenge a thought: and not just in your mind – you may have to consider that you challenge this person in real life. As scary as this can be, it does bring closure – one way or the other. It does allow you to create space for your goals. To clear the air and to know where you stand, in my experience.

How does it feel now? Do you feel still wronged and disrespected? At this stage one of two things should happen. Either:

• You will realise that regardless of what is going on in that person’s head, you have complete control of what is going on in your head and as such you can stay focused on your career and goals and not allow someone else’s thoughts to impact on yours again. In which case you can bin everything you wrote down and thought. They are their thoughts, not yours. And as you don’t have their experience, life, skills or values, how could that person be impacting on your goals?
• You still feel that they are at risk of impacting on your ability to win at work. This is one of the rare occasions where you will have to confront and challenge a thought - and not just in your mind. You may have to consider challenging this person in real life. As scary as this can be, it does bring closure – one way or the other. It does allow you to create space for your goals, to clear the air and to know where you stand – in my experience. Structuring what you wish to say without emotion but with clarity and a calm manner will enable you to get your message across, and it leads to both parties knowing where they stand. I’ve seen this lead to the other party feeling threatened and making the challenger’s life rather difficult (although that challenger is now in charge of a team of 45 + people including the other party). I’ve seen the scrutineering stop immediately because it was a complete misunderstanding and I’ve seen people end up collaborating on projects because it turns out they have so much in common. It is without doubt a scary prospect; however, winning at work does necessitate challenging times when you have to really raise your game and do things that scare you. If you apply the same rules of ‘create a powerful focused goal’, ‘have the right level of self-confidence’ and ‘believe that you can succeed’ then you will move forward.

In which case you can bin everything you wrote down and thought: they are their thoughts, not yours. And as such you don’t have their experience, life skills or values, so how could that person be impacting on your goals? Crazy to let them right? Let’s get on with winning at work!