9: THE CRITICS
Public and private enemy number one
You’re shaping the world, not remodelling your bathroom
You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.
— Winston Churchill
The National Hurricane Centre reported that Hurricane Sandy's tropical-force winds extended 820 miles (more than 1300 kilometres) at their widest. In the US the storm took 125 lives, wiping out power and communications to half of Manhattan and a reported 7.5 million people. New Jersey was the worst hit. The damage bill was second only to Hurricane Katrina's.
Alex and I were in Greenwich Village, safe in an old New York apartment building watching the coverage on NY1. I instantly recognised the reporter. It was Cheryl Wills, the second person I'd met at the publicity summit. She was reporting on the collapse of a crane atop a Manhattan high-rise on West 57th Street. The front of one building had collapsed and the crane still perched precariously many storeys above the street. The street would remain cordoned off for another week until they worked out how to get it down. The surrounding buildings had been evacuated, including the hotel I'd found myself in on my second night in the city.
Halfway through Cheryl's report the power went down. That's when it sunk in. Sandy was here. ‘Happy Halloween', we wished each other. We played Uno in the dark on my iPad until the battery died. That night I went off the grid.
The next morning we surveyed the damage while on a mission. Along with a hundred other New Yorkers who didn't know what to do until they'd had their caffeine fix, Alex had to find a coffee. There was major flooding a few blocks over from us. We found ourselves in lower Manhattan at the start of what would be more than seven days without power, and with a cold snap fast approaching. We had to make plans fast.
The darkened city would experience a sharp rise in burglaries and sexual assaults, along with food and fuel shortages. Mayor Bloomberg limited access to the city to cars with three or more passengers — the rest were turned away. Without streetlights there were few cars on the road. We were asked to share cabs to save fuel.
For the next week we bathed in water that we heated on the gas stovetop that was thankfully still connected. The first night we used the only candle we had been able to find after hours of searching, at Duane & Reade in Times Square. Cinnamon scented. The scent now repulses me.
The second night, using a phone to light our way, Alex and I climbed the narrow staircase to the roof of the apartment building. It was an eerie sight: while the lower part of the island was plunged in darkness, to the north it was lit up like a Christmas tree — including the Empire State Building and Times Square in the distance. Around us the usual hum of the city, dominated by air conditioning units, endless traffic, trains and sirens, was virtually silenced. One of the busiest cities in the world had been brought to its knees.
The $10 000 I'd spent to get here and the 70 pitches I'd made to some of the world's top media were all forgotten now, wiped from the page in one fell swoop. All attention had turned to the hurricane, and rightly so. Half of the media people lived on Manhattan, and some were also responsible for getting the news out to people who needed help the most.
It was going to take alcohol, resilience, friendship and distractions to see us through this mess. I was going to be stuck here for another week. Wifi, accessed through Starbuck's window, was to become a close companion, as it was for many other tourists and New Yorkers who pressed up against the glass as they tried to work out their next moves.
The enemy without: what no one ever talks about, but should!
To avoid criticism say nothing, do nothing, be nothing.
— Aristotle
There are two kinds of enemies we must deal with in our lives — the enemies within and the enemies without. Among the enemies without are people, circumstances, scenarios and beliefs that can take our power away from us and momentarily throw us off track, if we allow them to. Life happens (and hurricanes happen), and things get in the way, but it's how you deal with it and refocus that matters. As an agent of influence, you're going to have many enemies in your lifetime, including your own thoughts. People will disagree with your opinions and criticise your work (reading these pages will certainly provoke internal criticism among some readers). Internal and external doubts are all part of the same evolutionary process that we must each go through to fulfil our vision. It's only natural.
Everyone with a name in this world has their critics, who will try to tear them down and take away their right to voice their opinion on whatever it is that they find important, even the so-called mundane. And since you are here to shape the world we live in, and not just to remodel your bathroom and fit in with the crowd, it's important for me to share with you some important stories that no one ever talks about, but should — the elephant in the room, if you like.
Through these pages I've shown you how to draw out your passion and turn it into profit and attract mass exposure when applied as planned. It would be remiss of me not to also show you how to handle your critics as you progress throughout your career — along with your own inner critic, who at times can become your private enemy number one.
And no matter how successful you are in creating a fulfilling lifestyle business that shapes thoughts, opinions and behaviours, you will have your naysayers. It's part of the game — you just have to learn how to play it strategically.
While social media has given us powerful communication tools, it has also provided users with the weapons to criticise and do harm. I know this well.
Annah makes headlines — for all the wrong reasons
Let me never fall into the vulgar mistake of dreaming that I am persecuted whenever I am contradicted.
— Ralph Waldo Emerson, Emerson in His Journals
‘We'll do whatever it takes to bring you to your knees!' was one threat made to my client Annah Stretton, a high-profile New Zealand fashion designer. The day before, a picture of Annah on a bearskin rug (complete with taxidermied head) with her two pet pooches went public. In the story Annah professed to support animal rights. It was a contradiction in message that even Annah publicly acknowledged. It was an oversight. The rug itself had been purchased after an officially sanctioned cull in a Canadian national park as a result of overpopulation. The certificate to this effect wasn't good enough.
A flood of outrage ensued, first hitting her social media page that afternoon. The thousands she'd contributed to supporting animal rights, including her very public protest over the disgusting practice of testing ‘party pills' on dogs, was immediately forgotten. The decision was made that her right of reply would be limited to a post to her social media page, and that was it — no further comments to be made. The story was set to hit the headlines no matter what we did. And it did, right through to talkback radio. Everyone had an opinion, passionately in support of Annah or furiously against.
In the past protesters had threatened staff and thrown blood at stores selling furs, and two major fashion shows were scheduled that week as part of New Zealand Fashion Week. Safety was a priority. Security was prepped and Fashion Week was to direct all requests for comments back to Annah to keep the lines of communication as narrow as possible and head off a controversy that could be manipulated to sell papers. We just had to sit it out, instead of making further comment that would have prolonged the story and potentially undermined a brand that had been built up over 21 years of tireless work.
That Thursday night Annah had her first fashion show of the week, an event with an Alice in Wonderland theme. Over 1000 people showed up in support, including a former New Zealand prime minister. The show was a hit, with rave reviews. On Saturday I flew in to attend the second show, part of the ‘Come on Oz, Say I Do' campaign I'd helped create, that saw two lesbian women getting married on the catwalk to help put pressure on the Australian government to grant marriage equality. Of course, the brides wore Annah's gowns. This campaign hit headlines internationally, reaching as far as Vogue India. It was a campaign with a social conscience designed to help build the profile of the brand and the cause. The week was fraught with challenges, to say the least.
Now let me be clear: I'm not writing this to debate the ethics surrounding the bearskin rug, or marriage equality for that matter. I'll let you make up your own mind. But what I am demonstrating is that, while each of us has a right to an opinion, when that opinion is made public the potential for a backlash is very real, in which case we must manage our own emotions and go with the flow. Our actions sometimes have unintended consequences, but we can't live in fear and deny ourselves the right to hold an opinion or to make a living based on that opinion — something all thought leaders and agents of influence must do proudly.
Agents of influence stimulate conversations, and it is through these conversations that we incite change, shaping beliefs and opinions that change lives and make a difference in this world. Sounds grandiose, but it's not. You have more impact than you could ever realise. But while we get up the courage to share these opinions, we are not often taught how to deal with the ensuing criticism they can provoke.
Despite all of the media coverage and criticism that Annah received that week, her sales went through the roof, and they continued on an upward trend thereafter. She'd inadvertently polarised her audience and in doing so found a fan base that was now even more loyal to her because they saw through the extremist point of view to the little-recognised work she'd been doing for years.
‘Public' enemy number one: how to deal with criticism
Successful agents know that from time to time they will polarise opinions. It's a key to building a massively successful public profile. But how do you deal with an onslaught of criticism that could derail your success (as Annah experienced)? Let's take a look at a strategy to manage the problem.
To reply or not to reply?
The first and most important step when a public attack occurs is to understand where it's coming from. Is your adversary presenting an educated point of view and constructive criticism on a position you have expressed publicly? And do they have your best interests at heart?
If yes to both, and they have posted their critique on social media, allow the debate to unfold for as long as is respectful to all involved.
If the attack is aggressive or threatening, disengage immediately or watch it go viral. In very few cases will you be required to respond, as responding can prolong the attack and open up new wounds, encouraging online flamers to cause further mischief. Take your power back when this occurs. Sites such as Facebook allow you to delete and block vicious comments. Remember, your social media channels are not a democracy. You wouldn't let someone talk smack about you in your own home. Certainly don't allow it online, especially if you're the master of that specific domain. You're responsible for all of the comments on your social media pages, good and bad, and advertising bodies will rule against you if you allow derogatory remarks to remain, against you or anyone else for that matter — even more reason to govern them well.
Understand that the criticism you may be receiving isn't always about you. At times we can all react to certain comments by others based on experiences we've had in the past. Because of these experiences, our responses can be exaggerated and inflamed, especially from the safe remove of a well-lit computer screen. When they are respectful, allow your critics to express their opinions on your social media page.
It can help us to understand all facets of a particular topic and either create a stronger argument or, sometimes, change our minds. But most importantly, understand that …
Just because you have a right of reply, it doesn't mean you should use it
My rule of thumb: don't respond when you're emotional. Ride out the criticism for a few hours, and reply only when you feel you can respond without adding emotion to the mix. Otherwise it's like driving when you're drunk — someone's bound to get hit and it will most likely be you.
Just because someone posts on your social media page, or writes a story about you, does not mean you have to reply, especially if the conversation is going nowhere fast.
If you do decide to reply, first ask yourself what you believe you will gain from it. Nothing, in many cases, other than adding fuel to the fire. But, if you feel you must, and you've removed the emotion from the situation, follow these rules. Always thank them for their opinion and, using the ‘what, why, how and why' method shared earlier (see table 4.1, p. 63), identify why you feel the way you do and have taken a certain position.
And finally, don't argue with an idiot, or you'll end up becoming one. You don't have to buy into vicious attacks. This is a no-go zone. Today's story soon becomes yesterday's news. Pick your battles or get consumed by them. Keep your focus on the task at hand. Your goal is to polarise your audience, and if people are expressing opposing points of view it means you're doing your job. Keep up the great work, agent.
‘Private' enemy number one: are you thin-skinned?
Believe it or not, it's not what others think about you that matters; it's what you think about you that is the real cause for concern. Are you your own biggest hater? Because haters are gonna hate at the end of the day no matter what you do. The greatest gift that we have is our ability to choose our emotions from moment to moment. It's when we allow others to manipulate these feelings that the problem begins.
When you enter a room, I want you to own it. For people to turn heads and acknowledge you've arrived. This isn't about being arrogant; it's about self-worth and knowing you have a right to a place in this world. When you believe in yourself, your perceived value immediately jumps in the eyes of others, and respect is easy to generate. Your energy shifts and becomes massively attractive to all around you. When you don't believe in yourself, others will smell this fear and seek to take advantage when you show weakness. Like attracts like. As pessimistic as this sounds, it is important to be educated and not ignorant, especially in competitive arenas.
I often find myself approached for advice by individuals who are being disrespected at work. I always give them the same answer, and for many it's a tough one to swallow:
Ouch! When we completely and truly accept who we are, others' opinions are like a gust of wind that blows straight past us. We're only momentarily aware of it. It's when we decide to follow this gust of wind into a storm that we prolong our suffering and create even more collateral damage — to our own confidence. You can gain instant relief the moment you accept who you are and all of your flaws. Try it, and watch how your detractors immediately change, without you having to do anything but accept yourself.
This is about becoming thick-skinned and letting go. Over time you'll actually enjoy the ‘debate'. Once you accept that criticism is a part of doing business, you allow yourself to get out of your head and back into the present moment, where life is. Don't ever, ever let criticism consume you, because at the end of the day, if it does, it will be your own doing.
And it gets easier and easier each time, once you have learned how to perceive it as the opportunity it is. The critics are giving you the gift of evolution.
We all need strategies to mentally respond to others in effective ways, ways that can immediately shift our state of mind and put us in a more productive frame. We can find powerful tools to manage our own emotions when dealing with others, both publicly and privately. Tools that can also dramatically boost our productivity and allow us to make major changes in our lives in positive directions, such as accepting who we are and fleeing 9 to 5. But before we do, we must address the most common cause of failure in this arena …
Impostor crackdown: the top three warning signs
Fears are educated into us, and can, if we wish, be educated out.
— Karl Augustus Menninger
Realising your vision starts with your mindset. Our fears can conquer us if we allow them to, especially when we first step out from the shadows that at times can seem as comforting as a warm blanket. Completing the Lifestyle Design Blueprint (see table 2.2, p. 27), introduced in chapter 2, can bring them out in full force. ‘What if I'm not good enough? I can't risk leaving my 9 to 5 job! I wouldn't know where to start! I'm struggling as it is! What are other people going to say about me! I'm not an expert, I have no authority to comment on these things!'
This ‘stage fright' doesn't just target individuals who are getting started or taking the leap to the next phase in their lives. You're far from alone.
Take Cher, for example. An agent of influence in the field of music who has sold more than 100 million albums and performed in thousands of concerts over a career spanning 40 years. In a great interview on Oprah.com Cher talks about how she still gets terrified before taking to the stage and shares the way she talks herself out of the fear.
Whether you're just getting started or you're well on your way to pro status, you will encounter fears and moments of inadequacy, publicly and privately. Agents know this more than anyone. Why? Because your vision isn't to work a 9 to 5 job; it's to have a real impact and to design your life around your vision — not somebody else's vision of how they believe your life should be.
It's only natural to feel like an impostor at times when you're out there wandering outside of your comfort zone. This is conditioning based on education — education that asserted there is more security in doing what others love than doing what you love. To find your ‘sequins', as Cher did, you'll need to uncover the three ways to recognise that the ‘impostor' in you is set to stop you in your tracks, especially when you're in the early phase of redesigning your life using the templates in the early chapters of this book. These are the three main warning signs:
- You'll doubt you have the ‘right' to advise others based on your background and level of experience.
- You'll question your self-worth and ability to deliver.
- You'll sabotage your success by thinking it's not possible.
For now, I want you to recognise any of these fears and self-doubts that apply to you and to momentarily shelve them. Fighting against them is like trying to hold up a brick wall that is eventually, inevitably, going to collapse. By letting it collapse sooner rather than later you give yourself the opportunity to start rebuilding within minutes, rather than weeks, months or years. Most importantly, as I continue to lay out the structure you need to create a business and life that matters, these fears will naturally dissipate.
See beyond right now: focus on the goal before getting lost in the detail
My research into NLP (neurolinguistic programming), popularised by Anthony Robbins, gave me deep insight into coaxing myself out of fear, especially when I was in the process of making great change in my life and jumping the many hurdles I faced. An approach developed by Richard Bandler and John Grinder in California in the 1970s, it's claimed that NLP can treat problems such as depression, learning disorders, stress and phobias by helping to modify behaviours to support the achievement of specific goals.
I can attest to this. Since I first read about it when I was 21, I've used NLP almost daily to neutralise fear and to help focus myself on my goals. To make my goals magnetic and rid myself of anything that might dull their ability to attract, I found my own ‘sequin' technique — a trigger that helps me snap out of an unproductive emotional state. It is a combination of NLP strategies I have learned over the years that helps overcome fears, increases productivity and ends procrastination. It's called anchoring.
If you're currently working for another business, you'll know that the business structure provides you with an anchor that gives your life stability — whether or not you love what you're doing right now. When changing paths it's critical that you develop your own anchor that provides you with the emotional structure you need to make the changes you want to make, whether going public with your opinions, being interviewed on live TV, presenting to hundreds from a stage or simply creating your products at home in your own space.
Anchors are stimuli that trigger specific states of mind, behaviours and thoughts. For example, something as simple as clicking your fingers can be an anchor that washes waves of emotions over you, from happiness to sadness and everything in between. Creating an anchor means reproducing the stimuli when the preferred emotional state is experienced, so that the preferred state is linked to the anchor. To then release the anchor, all that's needed is to, for instance, click your fingers, touch a knuckle, place your hands together or touch your elbow.
Follow these eight steps to contruct the anchor:
This is the first of two NLP techniques I'll reveal to you to help you find a state of mind that is conducive to fleeing 9 to 5 and doing what you love sooner rather than later.
Releasing your fears around fleeing a 9 to 5 job (which you don't have to do immediately, by the way) and sharing your story or knowledge with the world is the most powerful step you can take to change your life. Create an anchor now, go back and repeat the activity and see just what's possible.
Overcoming rejection
You are limited only by your imagination, and your imagination will turn you into a first-class expert in your field. It's also this anchor that will help you ride out tough situations and overcome rejection, all part of this magnificent process.
Rejected by Ellen DeGeneres
A friend of mine had a contact at Swisse Vitamins, which had recently flown Ellen DeGeneres out to Australia on a massive tour as part of an effort to build its brand. I scored a meeting with the marketing genius behind the campaign to talk to him about Annah's ‘C'mon Oz, Say I Do' campaign. I wanted them to sponsor the event and get Ellen to record a message for the new brides that I proposed should be projected on a screen behind the runway.
My idea was rejected by Ellen's producers — for reasons that remain unclear to me. Did my ego take a beating? Nope. I got my foot in the door and secured a meeting. I may not have got the result we wanted, but it did prove to me that you can reach anyone and anywhere if you don't get caught up in what people think of you.
Rules of rejection
I once wrote a column in which I solicited dates. I can officially say I was nationally rejected. Well, if you're going to do something, go all out, I say! Rejection is par for the course and it doesn't need to be as all-consuming as many make it out to be. The faster you fail, the sooner you will succeed. Applying the techniques outlined in this chapter, use each rejection, criticism and take-down as a stepping stone to a stronger you. These tools will be handy as you build your profile and meet with new and challenging scenarios. Surround yourself with amazing people with whom you can debrief and share your experiences. It will make all the difference when you hit a major bump in the road, which is inevitable — it's life, after all.
There's a massive difference between pursuing one's goals joyfully and pursuing them forcefully. One way allows your vision to be realised with ease. The other does not. Knowing the difference between the two lies in knowing which way your energy flows, with or against the current. In which direction is your energy flowing now? You can change course anytime you want. You could even do it right this second, if it pleased you.
Polarising opinions is key to building a successful public profile; if people are expressing opposing points of view about your brand, it means you're doing a good job. Don't ever let criticism consume you, but use every brush with negativity as a stepping stone to a stronger, more evolved version of you. It's not what others think about you but what you think about you that matters; when you believe in yourself, your perceived value immediately jumps in the eyes of others.