Be Yourself—Everyone Else Is Taken
Be true to yourself, your values, and your ideas. Strive to make a difference no matter how small. Always be someone who adds value to a situation or relationship— not someone who detracts from it. Always, always maintain your integrity and dignity.
—SHERRY NOTTINGHAM, PHILADELPHIA
I once asked my ex-wife to give me an example of when she felt as though she wasn't being true to herself. Without hesitation, she said when she felt pressure to be somebody she wasn't, just to make someone else happy. I continued my inquiry. “How did that make you feel?” “I didn't like it. . . . I felt phony and, depending how phony I was being, I felt pretentious, . . . just not good about myself,” she said.
Over the years, I've met quite a few impostors, pretenders, and quick-change artists—people who are seldom themselves. Clearly there are times when we all feel pressured to pretend to be someone we're not. For whatever reason (fame, fear, survival, greed, love, low self-esteem, collusion, corporate pressures), we can lose sight of the “To thine own self be true” mantra. Here are some of the folks I've met professionally and personally who subscribe to an “updated” version of this mantra—“To thine own self be you.” Have you met any of them?
Em U. Late: These people want to be like Mike, striving to mirror the efforts, style, and/or mannerisms of their hero or heroine. They dress, walk, talk, dance, and yearn to perform and behave similarly. Being in the “say for pay” profession myself, I have a keen eye for speakers who shamelessly copy the routines, quips, quotes, gestures, delivery, and movements of other speakers. And if they're not already thinking about cloning their idol, others push their “copy cat” snowball down the hill: “He's going to be the next [Letterman, Ali, Poitier]” or “She's going to be the next [Nadia, Tyra, Aretha],” they offer. Several years ago, Nike even got the “I'm Tiger Woods” bandwagon rolling for a group of young impressionables.
Wyle Atwork: Many admit they act differently while at work than they do at home. Over the years, Wyle has come to realize that what gets rewarded gets repeated—and then gets rewarded again. Wyle is a quick study, assessing and then performing similarly to those in his or her corporation. Because many of today's organizations are conservative, bottom-line, and results oriented, Wyles usually work in corporate environments where these four factors tend to be at play:
- Work is primarily a goal-oriented activity.
- Power involves positions of authority and control of financial resources.
- Problem solving tends to focus on tasks and quick results, not necessarily on processes and people.
- Elitism, status, and titles are used as measures to value others.
Pretty soon, Wyles' walk, talk, dress, work style, companions, and interests change. The frustrated Wyles that I've met continually work to survive, evolve, and fit in. This has a higher price when one's personal or cultural style is further from the corporate standard. Nearly every part of his or her day is spent trying to perfect this corporate identity and shuffle. Wyles, over time, usually move from one organization to the next, until they soar, settle, or start their own businesses. As a recovering Wyle, I learned that you can only pretend for so long. The costume eventually has to come off.
Pierre Pressure: These people just want to fit in with their peer group and do whatever they must to fit in. They want to do “it” because that's what everyone else is doing. Changing their looks, their diet, their field of study, their exercise routine, their socializing habits, and their interests are at the top of their lists. To fit in, they are prone to falsehoods and exaggeration. Eventually they grow tired of running on this uphill treadmill. They become remorseful, unfulfilled, and depressed.
B. A. Jones: This person lives to keep up with the other Joneses. It's mostly a materialistic mission. From automobiles to SUVs, from houses to decks, from desktop computers to laptop computers, from Palm Pilots to pagers, from VCRs to DVDs, from coats to clothes, from season tickets to timeshares, B. A. labors to duplicate and will go to ridiculous lengths to keep pace.
You'd better buy a security system for your accomplishments, as they are also fair game. B. A. Jones will attend the same schools, major in the same subjects, join the same organizations and associations, take up the same hobbies, and even work out at the same sports clubs.
Hal Others-Seemee: Hal, bless his heart, merely wants to put a smile on your face. Hal spends his life striving to live up to your expectations of him. Denying the interests, activities, and pursuits that bring him joy, Hal will jump through fiery hoops to please you. On numerous occasions, I've heard a Hal say he did something because someone else wanted him to. Somewhere along his journey, Hal forgot who he was. Hals change majors, change occupations, change partners, and change their minds because you want them to. If you know a Hal, please share these two thoughts with him: “You were born an original; don't be a copy” (Rich Meiss) and “When we are unable to find tranquillity within ourselves, it is useless to seek it elsewhere” (La Rochefoucauld).
Sherry Nottingham and I worked together at my last full-time job. My office was at one end of the floor and hers at the other end, but our outlook on life, passions, and interests created a space for us to develop a beautiful friendship. We often talked about diversity (Sherry is Japanese American), work-family balance, and what it takes to be truly happy and fulfilled. During a recent conversation, Sherry (now a mother of three who left the corporate chaos to begin a family) said that being self-motivated drives her to be the person she is: “I have an inner drive; much of my motivation comes from within, so my competition is within myself to be the best that I possibly can be at all times and with all people with whom I come in contact.
“Having said that, I do my best to be true to myself, my values, and my ideals. I live by the rule that we model the behavior that we would like to see others share in our presence (trust,
honesty, integrity, and so on) as opposed to simply lecturing about the merits of such behavior. I strive for inner peace and nurture my spirit in part by knowing that every day when I look at myself in the mirror and when I go to sleep at night I can live with myself. Life presents many challenges with no right or wrong answers, . . . where the lines are not clear and often are fuzzy and gray. Knowing, however, in my gut that I did the right thing as opposed to the popular thing is so much easier than struggling with the conflict of going against my heart and my gut.”
You will not move from average to awesome if your life's quest is to pretend to be a person you're not. Love yourself. Take care of yourself. Be yourself, because everyone else is taken!
- Average: You're living a life using other people's thoughts, perceptions, and beliefs as your measuring stick.
- Awesome: You're developing your own identity and becoming the best possible YOU you can be. You've bought a mirror and hung it somewhere near the front door—and you're now looking in the mirror every day before you head out into the world, to remind yourself that you're awesome and that you're going to be true to yourself.
Getting to Awesome