10
Get Playing
What makes good, productive play? Well, that’s going to be different for every person involved. Over the years, we’ve observed thousands of kids engaged in play, and although there are certainly many commonalities, and the developmental functions and benefits of play are clear, every play event is different because every child is different. There have been billions of Barbie dolls sold, but when you get past the reality of inert polyvinylchloride, which is what Barbie literally is, every Barbie doll is unique because it’s brought to life in the imagination at a different time by a different person.
By definition because it is unstructured and not always clearly defined, some play is inherently chaotic and non-linear. In the imagination, it balances reality with flights of fancy to open up all kinds of possibilities. Seemingly contradicting that notion is that some play is focused and directed. Kids, as we’ve consistently observed over the years, naturally move between these two styles of play. When we ask kids about the toys they play with, there is generally a mix of types of toys. In fact, we often talk about “the balanced toy box,” which posits that kids need and thrive on different types of play as they are developing at different times of life. This is especially true in the preschool and early grade-school years when parents and caregivers are more supportive of diverse, non-productive play experiences.
As kids become socialized outside the home, however, we also observe that they tend to group organically with kids who have similar play styles. This obviously makes sense because, as we discussed earlier, companionship is an integral part of play and part of developing an individual identity within the context of a group.
Naturally, though, what’s possible in a self-selecting cohort on the playground is not possible in a business. Though you will develop friendly relationships at work—or at least I hope you do, because it’s so much more fun to work with people you enjoy seeing—you may have very little voice in selecting your, pardon the expression, playmates. So if you’re a manager and you sometimes feel like a kindergarten teacher, that’s inevitable. If you’re working and you sometimes feel like you’re back in high school dealing with a clique, well, that’s probably exactly right, too. That’s human nature, and it doesn’t change, so you might as well embrace it and have a good laugh at yourself on the way. The one advantage adults have over kids is perspective based on experience. And, as we discussed earlier, that’s the value of play to help create experiences and imagine outcomes in a safe environment that you can try out later. One of the tactics we often find is very useful in trying to solve conflicts is listening to how the people describe the situation and then thinking of it in playground terms because what we find is that people’s play styles don’t change. I want to stress that we don’t do this overtly, because people tend to get ticked off when you suggest they’re behaving like a child on a playground. (Go figure!) But it can give you some insights into the way people act and are likely to interact.
5 Playground Types
If people get touchy when you tell them they’re acting like children, they get downright cantankerous when you tell them they fit a specific type. So my strong suggestion when it comes to this type of stuff is that you do what any brilliant 1-year-old would do: Sit back and observe. There is a prevailing sensitivity in our culture at present to putting people into types because it is often perceived to invalidate them as individuals. People are complex and unique, but they do also fit into types. We’re not going to delve into the psychological causes of these types; we’ll leave that to the psychologists (and quite frankly, kids on a playground couldn’t care less why a person is the way they are; they just have to deal with them—or not).
All sensitivities aside, types are a part of any society. Ask any casting director, and they will tell you that what they look for first are types. Indeed, the first part of any casting call is getting “typed out.” It works like this: A group of people is lined up across the stage, and the casting people select the first ones that match the type they’re looking for, and the rest get sent home without getting to speak Shakespeare or sing Sondheim. The ability to determine types based on experience is hardwired into us, and we automatically look for visual cues about someone when we first encounter them. Those cues can be shaped by our experiences and, in some cases, neuroses, but they’re still there. Pretending those cues either aren’t there or not to pay attention to them as part of the information you’re taking in, is to deny an important component of your personality.
That said, let’s look at a handful of playground types and how you might play better with them. This list is neither comprehensive, nor does it explore all the different nuances of relationships with these types, but hopefully it will give you some ideas as either teacher or classmate (manager or co-worker) for making the most of those relationships. As with every system of classification, the vast majority of people will not fit neatly into one of these types, but they will most likely have dominant characteristics that are identifiable by the type.
It’s also important to note before we jump into this that there can never be any defense for someone whose behavior or language is inappropriate or in violation of personnel policies, and those must be dealt with through established channels in your business. For all the romance of the TV show, this is not the Mad Men era, and there can be no tolerance at any level of an organization for abuse of any kind. What we’re talking about here are the inherent traits of these types and how you might handle them.
The Bossy Kid
The Bossy Kid on the playground. We’ll start here because a lot has been written about this lately, mostly in terms of gender. Men who are domineering, demanding, and directive are supposedly respected, whereas girls or women are told they’re “bossy” as a criticism. That’s a societal construct about how boys and girls “should” be. Being bossy isn’t really gender-specific. We’ve seen bossy kids of both genders and their behaviors are consistent. On the playground, these are kids who tell others what to do, who are, in fact, demanding, and who like to run the show. They’ll often get into conflict when challenged, and are more likely to quit an activity if they’re not in control. These kids are primarily convergent thinkers who are probably not motivated by malice. Rather, they believe that they have the best way to play and that they’re way is going to be the most fun for everyone. Their flaw is that they can’t see how their behavior affects everyone else, and they are also more likely to take their ball and go home when things don’t go their way.
The Bossy Kid at work. This is the person who is organizing everything from meetings to the football pool. The positive side is that the Bossy Kid really helps get things done, and is the person you want managing a process because he or she is often very detail intensive, and things aren’t going to slip. His or her identity is based on being in charge. The downside is that the Bossy Kid can tend to be a microman-ager, and he or she can dominate meetings and be unreceptive to ideas that he or she hasn’t come up with. The Bossy Kid is also less likely to take responsibility when things go wrong, which can be problematic.
If you work for a Bossy Kid. The good news is that you probably never have to worry about forgetting anything, because your Bossy Kid will be on top of you all the time. This can be good if you’re not one yourself, but if you are, you may have conflict. The best advice we have is always to pick your battles and make sure that you’re clear about the plan of action. Providing regular updates tends to mollify the Bossy Kid and let him or her know that things are progressing. When there are problems, the Bossy Kid will want to be actively involved in the solution. You won’t have as much autonomy as working with another type, and clear communication is going to be essential, particularly if you need to track back to find the source of an error.
If you work with a Bossy Kid. This can be exasperating, as the Bossy Kid tends to dominate meetings, and is highly opinionated in brainstorming and other meetings. The Bossy Kid also tends to be problematic in a team setting and can often be resistant to new ideas. The Bossy Kid who doesn’t get his or her way is the one sitting with arms crossed over his or her chest withdrawing from participating in a meeting. Fortunately, most managers with a lick of sense recognize this pattern, so you probably don’t need or want to do anything about it. However, if you want to score points in that situation, toss an idea back to the Bossy Kid for his or her opinion. He or she will be happy to be heard, whether or not the resulting ideas are implemented. You’re not going to change him or her, but there’s no profit in creating or maintaining conflict tension. One of the things we always ask kids who are in conflict with Bossy Kids is whether they’d rather be right or get along and play? It probably costs you little or nothing to be nice, and conflict is always best avoided.
The Kinetic Kid
The Kinetic Kid on the playground. This is the kid who can’t sit still—who is jumping on and off the swings, climbing the monkey bars, running around like a crazy person. This kid has a lot of energy that he or she needs to burn off, and that shows up in virtually non-stop action. The positive side is that this kid is a font of ideas. He or she is pretty much the definition of the divergent thinker who can jump from idea to idea with sometimes blinding speed. The positive part of this type is that he or she is almost always engaged and wants to engage others too. He or she is what my mother used to call a “perpetual motion machine.”
The Kinetic Kid at work. This type is always coming up with new ideas and never stops, and very often the ideas can make the project better, even if they make the work more difficult or complex. That’s also the downside of this type. You can feel whipsawed from idea to idea, and it can be hard to get things done. The Kinetic Kid is like a terrier that is adorable but needs attention all the time. He or she may also have few social filters, which can be endearing and amusing within reason, but also be problematic when it’s not controlled. Like the terrier, however, the Kinetic Kid is always looking for attention and tends to be very responsive to feedback and correction, and rarely takes it personally.
If you work for a Kinetic Kid. Prepare to be interrupted; that’s just the way it goes. This can be a very exciting person to work for. You’ll never be at a loss for new thinking or new ideas, and this type can be very inspiring. Every day can feel like an ongoing brainstorming session, and this type tends to be extremely passionate about the job. The challenges come with the interruptions. It may be difficult to find time to focus or plan, and you may feel that projects veer off in different direction, because of the latest brainstorm. These are relatively easily handled. In terms of interruptions, simply set boundaries about when you’re not available, or say, “Can we talk about that later?” The Kinetic Kids we’ve seen are usually very open to that and, in fact, will bound off elsewhere. In terms of projects, always bring it back to the clear objective, assuming you have one, and work toward getting a consensus on whether something will help the project or hurt it. These can definitely be the most fun types of people to work for.
If you work with a Kinetic Kid. In the show Greater Tuna, when they’re talking about a rambunctious dog, they say, “Throw a glass of iced tea on him and get him to settle.” You may feel like that a lot when a colleague is a Kinetic Kid. It’s easier to set boundaries here, and preserve the time you need to get your work done. However, particularly if you work in a creative field, this is the person you’ll want in your brainstorm session, for the reasons detailed previously. Humor goes a long way with these kids in terms of setting boundaries, and setting structures for when you can interact can be very effective.
The Quiet Kid
The Quiet Kid on the playground. The Quiet Kid is different from the Loner (which we’ll talk about shortly). The Quiet Kid will engage in play, have a great time, and be fully engaged. It’s just that he or she is not as boisterous as some of the other kids. The Quiet Kid is often the one who comes up with a great idea because he or she has been mulling over the situation and taking it all in. The Quiet Kid tends to balance both types of thinking more readily than other types. He or she is most likely primarily a divergent thinker, but is not likely to share anything until he or she has reached a convergent solution.
The Quiet Kid at work. This is a type that is very comfortable in groups but will rarely present an idea until it’s fully fleshed out. This is also a type who in a more kinetic environment might seem to be withdrawn. Nothing could be further from the truth. The Quiet Kid is taking in everything and methodically going through various options. He or she doesn’t waste energy, but that doesn’t mean this type is intractable. New information is always coming in, and that means adjustments will be made. Quiet Kids tend to be very rational and open to new ideas, even if they don’t appear to be swept along by the enthusiasm that sometimes occurs. The Quiet Kid can also have a very calming effect on a work environment, and though it might not seem like it, Quiet Kids and Kinetic Kids complement each other well, and often make a terrific team.
If you work for a Quiet Kid. Don’t expect immediate feedback, but when you get it, it will be considered. The Quiet Kid thrives on information that can be put into the data bank, so don’t hold back with ideas or solutions. The downside of working for a Quiet Kid is that you may want faster feedback than you’ll get. Patience is the watchword when dealing with this type, and the security of knowing that you’re never going to get a response that hasn’t been considered. Barring other issues, you’ll always be free to speak your mind with a Quiet Kid, but try to be more rational than emotional when you can.
If you work with a Quiet Kid. Listen. This is the person who will have considered a lot of issues before speaking. You may not agree, but you’ll know that you’re not getting a snap judgment. This person may not engage as obviously, but is nonetheless actively engaged. They are observers and thinkers, and as noted, often are great complements to other team members.
The Loner
The Loner on the playground. This is the kid who is happy playing alone. He or she is neither anti-social nor depressed, unless other things are going on. This type simply enjoys being left to his or her own devices. Loners don’t necessarily fit one thought process. We have seen Loners who are active, divergent thinkers who are always coming up with great ideas, active play, and those who are more convergent thinkers who can spend hours poring over a model or a drawing. These kids will engage with other kids and participate in group activities, but their preferred type of play is one that is self-sufficient.
The Loner at work. The Loner tends to work best on self-contained projects that require little supervision. In fact, he or she excels at those. We see a lot of coders today who are Loners and who love solving complex problems. They may or may not participate in the social aspects of a work environment, but that doesn’t mean they don’t enjoy them. The Loner is also very dependable and tends to be very detail-oriented. He or she also tends to know when they need help and will ask for it, but for the most part the Loner will have any aspect of a project they’re responsible for under control at all times.
If you work for a Loner. Loners tend to be hands-off managers. They’ll expect you to come to them with a problem or issue, but because they are used to working on things on their own, they often expect others to do so as well. This type, however, is seldom seen in senior positions or the C-suite, largely because the need to work with others and be highly public both within and outside an organization.
If you work with a Loner. Respect his or her space. You can count on thoughtful and economical responses to issues and ideas. He or she probably won’t enjoy the give-and-take of a dynamic brainstorming meeting, and given a problem that requires a creative solution will prefer to work on it independently. The biggest mistake we see people make, particularly in more active offices, is to assume that Loner wants to be left alone. That’s absolutely not true; it’s just that his or her first impulse is not to work collaboratively.
The People Pleaser
The People Pleaser on the playground. This is the kid who always wants to fit in and is afraid that he or she doesn’t. If you want to get a kid to eat a bug, this is the one to do it. On the positive side, however, this type is always trying to keep things on an even keel. He or she is very sensitive to the dynamics of a group and is expert at making people feel good about themselves. When diverse people need to get along, this is the person you want because he or she is usually an expert listener and able to get people talking. This type also tends to be fairly intuitive about people and has a wealth of observational experience to draw on. The People Pleaser tends to be more of a convergent thinker because he or she is always about acknowledging and validating individuals. This is the overriding goal of this type in its absolute form, though it almost never shows up that way. More likely, being a People Pleaser is a component of a personality that generally has other dominant traits.
The People Pleaser at work. The best part of this type is that the People Pleaser wants to make sure that people get along. He or she is most likely to diffuse conflict by validating each person’s position and then seeking to find a middle ground that respects the individuals. This type draws on his or her intuitive skills to complement objective information in any situation. The People Pleaser is, by definition, someone everyone gets along with. However, the mistake people often make in dealing with this type is to assume that he or she is a pushover. Just as the People Pleaser is sensitive to others, he or she is equally sensitive to rules and fairness, and won’t just roll over if challenged or taken advantage of.
If you work for a People Pleaser. You’ll probably never get yelled at. Don’t mistake that for never being corrected or causing anger, however. The People Pleaser will also ask you to consider all sides of an issue before making a decision, just as he or she does. Although this type works hard to ensure that interoffice relationships are peaceful, he or she is not going to avoid conflict when necessary. You probably won’t get very far complaining about co-workers or playing politics with this type, either, so if you want validation for that, look elsewhere. The People Pleaser will likely ask you, “Why do you say that?” If really you’re looking for a solution, that’s great. This type will also provide you with lots of validation and support, even when you’re being corrected.
If you work with a People Pleaser. Forc obvious reasons, these are some of the easiest people to get along with in a work environment. A People Pleaser will listen to you and validate your point of view. Be aware, though, that he or she will also do that for someone you’re in conflict with. This type is also great to have on your team because he or she will by their very nature consider the consequences of actions from both business and personal reasons.
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As stated, no one person is going to fit all these types, but if you take the time to consider the makeup of the people you work for and with, you have a very good chance of working more effectively with them. It’s also a good idea to look at yourself in light of these types, and understand your own reactions and behaviors. There is no overt ranking for “plays well with others” in business, but trust me, it’s there, and it’s as critical as performance in advancing your career.
Ready, Set, Go!
Hopefully by this point, you’ve at least entertained the idea that play as we’ve defined and discussed it is to be celebrated and participated in richly. You spent all those years learning how to do it as a kid, and it shaped who you are. Why, as we said at the outset, would you walk away from something that was so critical to making you who you are?
The great thing about this is it only takes jumping in. There are no manuals to read, no courses to take, and so forth. You already know how to do this. If you take nothing else away from this than a willingness to try, then I’ve done my job. And I want to leave you with a review and recap of the five most important elements of play you can always turn to and that will always be a dependable guide and a great corrective when you go off course, as you inevitably will.
These core principles of play work in business because they are written into our DNA as humans, and we bring that humanity into any situation. In fact, play is our natural state. It is how we remain open to new experiences, express ourselves, and learn. It’s about, as we’ve said, making a choice, seeing where that takes you, and making other choices. Despite the fact that we love to forecast outcomes, results are never truly guaranteed—no matter how much we wish they could be. So our focus must always be on the process rather than the result. Play is that process that offers constant, changing, and surprising opportunities that allow each of us to be our best in whatever you do. Here’s what you need to remember.
Make it Up as You Go
We really—none of us—have any idea where all of this is leading. If you allow yourself to consider possibilities, you’ll be amazed at what you can come up with. Yes, each choice you make predicates another, and each choice shuts off some options, but the creative process is all about making choices and seeing where they take you. Don’t be afraid to go out on a limb, or certainly not in the realm of the imagination. As a friend of mine always says, “You don’t go to jail for thinking crazy things. You go to jail for doing crazy things.” Don’t limit your imagination, and even if it takes you far afield, you may end up some place better that you would have thought if you hadn’t done that.
Years ago when I was working with Ideal Toys, the company was saddled with a great many porcelain Shirley Temple dolls that hadn’t sold. These dolls were slightly more than 2 feet tall, made of extraordinary porcelain, approved by Shirley Temple Black herself, and clothed in the famous Shirley Temple “Stand Up and Cheer” dress. They cost $400 each, which was an extraordinary amount in the early 1980s for a collector doll, and the doll group needed to get rid of the inventory without too much of a loss and without violating the agreements with Shirley Temple Black. The all-important brainstorming session was getting nowhere. Tempers were riding high, and our tiny PR department was in the crosshairs. The problem was, however, as a full year of sales data showed us, and reliable qualitative research, that the market for these dolls was saturated. And our target audience was dying off, literally. Short of slashing the price, which we couldn’t do without devaluing all the other collector dolls, we had no idea for new sales.
Finally, as the brand director was hollering and pounding the table, in an admitted fit of pique, I suggested that we use them as skeet and shoot them off the back of the QE2. This prompted many people in the room to laugh, and the head of the doll line to be aghast at the suggestion of ruining “my babies.” Most significantly, it changed the outlook in the room from one of hand-wringing to one of possibility. What came out of that, however, was a targeted program of doing targeted, niche marketing which, though commonplace today, was not done then. We got Mrs. Black to sign some dolls and launched a variety of programs. Not all of them were successful, but we solved the problem. By being willing to go “out there,” and play in a childlike manner—the way a 10-year-old boy would love to destroy the doll—something productive came out of the play.
A couple of years later, we launched a game called Murder to Go. It was in the mid-1980s, and getting attention for a game during New York Toy Fair was an uphill battle. We took to the streets and spray-painted body outlines on the streets. Completely illegal, of course, and done under cover of night, but it started a conversation. Then, the night before Toy Fair opened, we added “Murder to Go from Ideal” to the outlines around the Toy Center. Of course, we did this without the knowledge of senior management and legal, who would have had to stop us, and we figured that if any members of our team were “caught or killed” they had plausible deniability. And it was all born from another concept steeped in play: better to ask forgiveness than permission.
I’m not advocating breaking the law, of course; what I am suggesting is starting from a mindset where anything is possible. You can always bring your ideas down to earth later, but don’t limit the process. And besides, it’s fun. Always ask, “What if?”
Tell a Great Story
You can go back Chapter 2 on the importance of story in play, but it bears repeating here that your stories create your reality. Tell a great story, and you’ll shape perception, drive purchases, and build success. Children know how to tell stories because they know their audience. They know the buttons to push in talking to parents or teachers. They know how to sway emotion with a good story, and narrative-based play, as noted earlier, is one of the core elements of imaginative engagement.
How you craft your story is critical to your success—whether it’s about your career or your business. And the corollary to this is: Don’t cede control of your story. Your competitors will try to change your story. Just look at any political campaign in our current culture to see how that happens. Fight for your stories because they define you.
Fail Beautifully
As we discussed earlier, failure is instructive. If you’re passionate about what you do, your failures will be instructive. You don’t go into something intending to fail; no one in their right mind does that. However, you will fail. I won’t minimize the disappointment that comes with failures, but I will say what our coaches used to day: Shake it off. As Frank Coker learned on the way to making an award-winning game, it wasn’t the successes that made the game better: It was the failures.
Play to Win
Hopefully this has been implicit in everything that has gone before in this, but the object of playing is to win, and certainly when you’re in a competitive situation. I take a very dim view of the recent spate of games for children that are designed to be “co-operative” and for everyone to win. Likewise, when I talk to parents of kids whose grade-school teams don’t keep score, I suggest that saving kids from the “pain” of losing only leaves them with the tedium of pointless competition. The world is a competitive place, and teaching kids to play to win and accept that they will sometimes lose is a critical skill. As we noted when we talked about having clear objectives, winning is one of the clearest you can have. Without a benchmark for success, the pleasure of the game is gone. Losing isn’t fun, but it also can be an inspiration to try harder, play better, and figure out a way to win. Then, when the win is achieved, it’s earned, and it means something.
We do keep score in this world, and it’s foolish and unproductive to think otherwise. Humans are by nature competitive, and going for the win—however you define it—and not giving up are what give any endeavor its meaning. Go all in, or what’s the point of playing? Things are going to happen—some good, some bad. You can hang out on the sidelines if you want to, but it’s more productive and exciting to be part of whatever game you choose to play.
Have Fun
One day many years ago, I was talking to the rector of our church. He had just come from visiting one of our prominent parishioners, who was on her deathbed. The rector was smiling as he talked about her. I asked why he was so happy, as he had just left someone who was going to die very soon.
“As I was leaving,” he said, “she grabbed my hand tightly and looked into my eyes, and with the most beautiful smile, she looked at me and said, ‘Haven’t we had fun?’”
I don’t know about how you feel, but from that moment, I’ve always hoped that when my time comes, I’ll be able to say the same thing. I’m not hurrying out of here, but I can say that for the most part that’s true. I get to play and make things up virtually every day of my life. I work with amazing people who share the same point of view, and when I fail or get knocked down—which is completely unavoidable—I get back up and start playing again.
We are each responsible for making up our own lives. Why not make up the best possible one? If you don’t like things, make up something new, or find the fun in what you’ve got. Our imaginations—and opposable thumbs—are what make us astonishing creatures. We have an obligation to make the most of the game and create and take responsibility for making it fun.
Now go out and play.