chapter 3
COPING WITH FAILURE
One night, I got out of the shower and just lay on the floor near my bed with my eyes fixated on different parts of my popcorn ceiling. I just lay there. I couldn’t move.
Have you ever been there? So stuck in your own shit that you don’t have the energy to get off the floor? I have, and it sucks. And usually it’s one stupid thing that happened or was said and you just cannot let it go. Questions flood your mind. Why didn’t I do the damn laundry? Why couldn’t I have just finished my project? Why do I hate everyone at this moment? Why did I get rice in my poke bowl? Why is the scale higher than it should be? Why didn’t I do what I said I was going to do?
That day, I stayed on the floor for about 30 minutes frozen in my own anger box. These moments are hard, but I’m here with good news: you can snap out of this.
And, the first step in making that happen is to start doing something.
As I’ve mentioned throughout the book, when I started writing, I didn’t feel like I had it together. And trust me, the irony wasn’t lost on me. I knew I wanted more control over my own success. I needed my actions to align with my goals. I need to solidify (once and for all) what my goals and priorities were so that I could successfully plan to achieve them.
I wanted to work on self-love, creating healthy boundaries, coping with failure (obviously), advocating for myself, completing tasks, being more prepared, and acting based on method and not mood. In addition, I wanted to improve the way I worked, focus on personal wellness, increase the amount of time I spent disconnected, and find more time to embrace relaxation (and a little bit of boredom)—quite the list. I could plan and talk about my goals and what I wanted all day, but at some point, I just had to jump in the water and implement my strategies. I was spending too much time getting ready to get ready.
Have you ever jumped in and tried to swim forward, only to find that waves keep coming your way and pushing you back toward the beach? Well, that’s me trying to get it together. And on some days, I still feel like that swimmer.
As I went through the trial and error that comes with trying to get it together, I realized that to make significant and lasting change, failure is a requirement. This was not easy for me to accept, but it was necessary to actually make progress.
Things are much better today than they were that day I felt frozen on my floor. All that failure and frustration led me to a place where I now feel in control, aware of how I’m spending my time, more in tune with my own goals, and easily able to recognize how to best use my time. I’ve aligned my routine and the way I manage my time with the goals I want to achieve, and I’m a better worker, boss, friend, wife, and family member because of it.
A Forbes.com article, “How to Embrace Failure in Order to Become Successful,” explains that we can’t control what happens, but we can control our reaction to it.1 And that’s really what this chapter is about—it’s about how you can control your actions and mindset when you experience failure and some suggested strategies on how to do just that.
DESCRIBE WHAT YOU EXPERIENCE
First, let’s identify some of the negative responses you have when you’re in a situation that makes you feel like you’re a failure. These are some of my own unhelpful reactions. Please circle any that you can relate to!
• Freaking out
• Having meltdowns
• Getting angry
• Feeling sad
• Ignoring people
• Avoiding fun
• Feeling guilty
• Focusing on the negatives
• Arguing with loved ones
• Sleeping
It’s helpful to document these reactions so you can identify them in the future. What are some of your bad habits when it comes to coping with failure? List them here:
EMBRACE REJECTION
Whenever I speak, I tell audience members not to fear rejection. I tell them that even when you’re “successful” you still get rejected. I’m rejected every single day. Sometimes the rejections aren’t a big deal and I brush them off. Other times, they hurt.
Just last week, I faced rejection, and the e-mail with the news really stung. For the past three years, we’ve worked with a big brand sponsor on our annual Intern Queen Party (our free summer event for interns in New York City and Los Angeles). Last year, we put together two events that were top-notch. They were filled with hundreds of ambitious college students, high-level executives, inspirational content, special social media moments, and major engagement. I was proud of the hard work my team and I put in—and confident we impressed the sponsor. Last month, I got an e-mail from the sponsor. This same executive that once greenlit the party (and made me so happy) only three years back was now the same person rejecting a future partnership.
“Unfortunately, we’ll be unable to support the Intern Queen Party Series moving forward,” he wrote in this e-mail. Ouch. A painful feeling ran through my body. I put my heart and soul into events, and to work so hard only to hear that your sponsor is pulling out really stinks. But there was a silver lining: I was confident because I knew we did everything we could to make those events successful. Once I got over the initial rejection, I responded to the sponsor’s e-mail. Here’s how I handled it:
• Avoid immediate responses. When you are upset, give yourself a minute to assess the situation and come up with a productive response. If you respond immediately, you might say something you’ll regret.
• Read it a few times. Sometimes when we get bad news, we only read certain parts of the e-mail. Read the entire e-mail a few times to make sure you aren’t missing any key words.
• Pause. Another way to avoid immediate responses is to pause. Take a deep breathe, go outside, work out, or switch gears. Whatever you decide, just do something else for a bit.
• Vent correctly. When you vent, do it with the right person. Don’t vent to someone who is above you in ranking or who might not understand your feelings. This could make you more upset. Welcome any advice, but think on it and again, avoid immediate responses.
• Separate yourself from your job. Remind yourself, this isn’t personal, it’s business. This isn’t a personal dig or an attack on you personally.
• When you’re ready, reply. After taking a few days off from considering this e-mail, sit down with a fresh, positive perspective and respond. Always be kind and respectful. Remember, you never want to burn a bridge.
• Turn the problem into an opportunity. In Ryan Holiday’s article “Why You Should Embrace Failure” from Psychology Today, he discusses how failures can be painful in the short term and are beneficial in the long term. “Problems become opportunities,” he says.2 And he’s right. Just because this sponsor didn’t want to work with me doesn’t mean I can’t find others. And that’s the opportunity—to go find more sponsors and not let this rejection get me down.
Going back to my sponsor e-mail: I did all the above, and two days later, I was ready to respond with a gracious note. Want to read it?
Hi Richard,
I so appreciate your e-mail and transparency. We’ve had a great run with (sponsor) and hope you are happy with the success of the program. I’ll always be fond of you and I appreciate your faith in me—and my company. Thanks for opening your doors to our students. I know they’ve appreciated the opportunity. I attached last year’s recap just so you have it on file. Should future opportunities arise, please think of us. I’m excited for our paths to cross again!
Best,
Lauren
In case you were wondering, I never got a response to this e-mail, but I was happy with my response. I was professional, I left the door open for a future relationship, and I was kind and appreciative of his help up to that point in time. In situations like this, remember that you can only control yourself and your own actions. I’m proud of how I handled this difficult situation.
UNDERSTAND YOUR FRUSTRATIONS
Dealing with rejection is hard. No one enjoys feeling like they’ve failed. But, focusing on what we’re feeling is very important in this process. Below are some of the reasons I get upset with myself:
• Hard work, no results
• The people around me don’t get it
• Stupid mistakes
• Feeling irresponsible (like I knew better)
• Jealousy
• When something happens in our lives that we can’t control (sickness, death, trauma, accidents)
What about you? What makes you get upset with yourself? Write down the top three reasons why you get frustrated with yourself.
Now, I want you to ask yourself another question: What can I do to overcome these frustrations? How can I better handle these when they happen?
We tend to get frustrated by the same things repeatedly. If we can identify the things that frustrate us, prepare for them, and have active solutions to turn to, we may be able to minimize the amount of frustration we deal with on a daily basis.
HOW TO COPE WITH FAILURE EFFECTIVELY
In that same Psychology Today article, Ryan Holiday says that in Silicon Valley engineers look at failure as a positive. He says, “Failure . . . is the feature that precedes nearly all successes,”3 meaning that to succeed, you have to fail first. I can personally relate to this piece of advice as everything that I’ve done that people would call “successful” started with failure.
But how can we take this advice and apply it to the small failures that we oftentimes experience? When’s the last time you lost your wallet or driver’s license or totally forgot about a meeting, appointment, or family member’s birthday? We’ve all experienced that feeling, that “I’m an asshole” feeling, when we mess up. But how can we shake it?
If we think back to Ryan Holiday’s “failure is a feature” piece of advice, we must remind ourselves that this is a lesson and our takeaway should be that we won’t make the same mistake again. Now that we’ve failed, we should learn our lesson and be successful in this part of our life moving forward. Perhaps that means never taking our ID out of our wallet or always zipping our handbag so nothing falls out. Perhaps it means checking our calendar every morning to triple-check that we don’t miss anything or starting to put our personal commitments in our calendars as soon as plans are finalized. No matter the solution, find the best way to fix the issue and then follow your own advice. Doing so allows you to turn failure into success.
Every day, we experience things we can control and things that we can’t. I deal with failure daily. As someone who puts herself out there constantly (pitching new executives, students, businesses, and schools), I’m constantly told no and always facing rejection. I try to take my own advice and handle these situations in constructive and healthy ways, but I want to be honest with you too, I’m not always perfect—not even close. Some rejections are harder to deal with than others, but applying these techniques will allow us to grow stronger and more resilient together.
My friend and efficiency expert Josh Notes appears uber-confident all of the time. When I interviewed him for this book, I asked how he deals with rejection. (Even though I couldn’t imagine Josh being rejected.) Josh said, “When I’m losing my shit and not in control, I pull the car over and meditate.” That’s his secret! He says he almost always feels better quickly. He also expressed the importance of just “letting go.” He says, “You have to let go of your bad shot in order to find a great one.” This really stuck with me.
Try the following techniques to effectively let go of a bad situation in order to find the next great one.
Plan, Measure, Tweak, Repeat
Whenever you try to do something new, there’s a risk of failure. It’s important to have an Action Plan, follow it, and measure your results. If the results don’t reflect your ultimate goal, you have to switch up the plan. For example, if I’m trying to get new business by doing a certain number of cold e-mails each month, and I do this for two months and see no results, it’s my job to take note and try something new. Failure happens, but it’s your job to tweak the plan once you see a lack of success or results.
Remind Yourself Other Opinions Don’t Matter
When we’re experiencing failure or rejection and vent to loved ones, it’s frustrating when they don’t get it. My advice here is to take it with a grain of salt and to remind yourself that they don’t have to get it. When I’m trying to explain something to friends and want their feedback, I’ll try to give them an example centered in their own life. By explaining it to them in a way they can understand and relate to, I’ll probably get a better response and better results.
Speak to Someone Who Gets It
I’ve talked about this a few times throughout the book, but vent to the right people. Those who understand you and your business will relate to what you’re experiencing and be your best supporters. When I’m having what I call “work drama,” I call my friends who also run small businesses and have small teams. They can relate to my issue and might have experience dealing with it themselves. Typically, I’d call Rachel Doyle, founder and CEO of GlamourGals, whom I reference a few times in the book, or my close friend Alyson Roy, founder of AMP3 Public Relations.
Stop Jealousy
Jealousy and self-doubt must be cut off at the source—immediately! First, turn off the social media, as this is a source of many jealous feelings. (We’ll talk about this more in Chapter 7.) Next, tell yourself to stop. We have no time for these feelings. Finally, ask yourself what exactly you are jealous of. How can you focus on you? In the next chapter we’ll discuss goal-setting. This exercise will help you spend time focusing on what you are trying to accomplish instead of watching what other people are working on.
Take Action!
What’s the latest and greatest problem you are facing at home or at work? Instead of complaining about it and moping around, how can you take action and fix it?
Let’s look at an example of this in action. Your boss is upset because you’ve been late to work for the past few weeks and she wants you to be more punctual. You have a laundry list of reasons why you’ve been late (including traffic, lost your keys, your dog wasn’t behaving, and you woke up late). What are some steps you can take to proactively fix the problem? (1) You could wake up 15 minutes earlier (not a huge change, but it could help you get out the door faster). (2) You could pack your workbag and pick out your clothes the night before (so that process doesn’t hold you up). (3) You could set an alarm on your phone for the time when you need to be starting your commute.
By coming up with an Action Plan, you are proactively solving your problem instead of just complaining about it.
Focus on You
Do you sometimes feel yourself getting caught up in another person’s drama? The best remedy is to focus on yourself. Ask yourself, “How can I improve? How can I help move the needle for the team?” Try not to focus on what’s happening around you, as you can’t control others. Instead, focus on yourself and your professional growth. In the next chapter, I’ll help you build your personal goals. Get excited!
Don’t Stray from Routine
Avoid throwing your hands up in the air and letting something small ruin your entire day. The success of your day isn’t based on the number of mistakes you make, so when bumps in the road appear, stay on track and continue your day. I’m guilty of having a big schedule for myself (for a specific workday) and just getting so thrown by something, someone, or some e-mail—and then literally self-destructing and going to sleep for the rest of the day. This is not the way to deal with failure. Instead, take a deep breath and let your schedule guide you through the rest of your day. I promise, keeping the ship moving will help.
Keep It in Perspective
If you are reading this book, you probably struggle between your work life and your personal life. You probably feel like you work all of the time—and like you are just getting it wrong. When you feel like a failure or you face rejection, you have to put it all in perspective. Yes, at the very moment something happens, we all think it’s the biggest deal in the world. But at the end of the day, will this matter in one week? One month? One year? Ten years? Usually, the answer is no. Remind yourself that you are not your job and you aren’t defined by where you work or how you work. You are you—regardless of the mistake you made, client you lost, or deal that didn’t go through. You are bigger than your job. Don’t forget that.
Have a Conversation About Something Totally Different
If I’m feeling too “in it” with work and life, having a super random conversation gets me out of the rut I’m stuck in. For example, I’ll do things like call a friend and talk about how her baby is doing, go on a celebrity website to read some mindless gossip, or call my brother to talk about his wedding plans. No matter what you choose to do, make sure it serves as a reminder to yourself that work isn’t your entire life.
Treat Yourself
What are some small things that you enjoy? When you are feeling down, make sure to treat yourself. This doesn’t mean that you must buy yourself something expensive, it means go to your favorite coffee shop, go to your favorite sushi spot for dinner, or sneak in some yummy ice cream that night. Just do something nice for yourself that you will truly enjoy. Give yourself a break!
Remind Yourself You’ve Failed Before and Got Through It
When failure happens, it can feel like the end of the world. At times we all need to remind ourselves that we’ve been here before and it all worked out one way or another. Just like last time, you will handle it and find a way to make it better. At this point in my career, I’ve learned that oftentimes getting to where you want to be comes from several rounds of failure and rejection. Years ago, when I went to write my first book (All Work, No Pay), I got the nastiest e-mails from potential agents and publishers telling me that my work wasn’t important and would never be published. Just a few years after that, I connected with a great agent (whom I still work with today), and we found an amazing publisher. In a sense, rejection has helped me get from where I was to where I wanted to be.
The other night I was feeling down about our sales numbers for the year—they aren’t exactly where I’d like them to be. It’s been one of those weeks when it feels like every single person I pitch is rejecting me. But I had to remind myself, I’d been here before. And not just one time—several other times. Now that I’ve been in business for so many years, I understand that sometimes there are slumps, but keep putting yourself out there and you’ll find that yes. Reminding myself of the past and that I’d already been here and conquered this situation really helped me see the brighter side of the situation.
Remember That Rejection Doesn’t Mean Never
Another lesson that I’ve learned is that you will get rejected from companies, deals, clients, colleagues, and opportunities, but that rejection doesn’t necessarily last forever. Meaning that the people who say no to you one time may return in the future to say yes. In my career, I’ve seen this play out time and time again. I’ll get rejected from certain opportunities for years, and because of my strong follow-up game, I’ll actually stay in touch with the person and eventually turn the no into a yes.
A, B, C It
Kill the anxiety by writing out or listing out the options and scenarios. When an unexpected situation arises or life isn’t going the way you want, come up with A, B, C plans. Having backup plans in place that are always ready to be activated helps me deal with stressful situations. This actually worked out really well for me recently. I was trying to find a new sponsor for that event series that we discussed earlier, and we are coming up to our internal deadline. I was starting to feel worried that we wouldn’t be able to find a sponsor, so I came up with the following A, B, C plan so I didn’t overstress about it:
A. Follow up with everyone that’s shown interest and remind them of the deadline.
B. Go out to 50 new potential sponsors ASAP just so that I know I did my best in trying to find a sponsor.
C. If I don’t hear back by Friday, start making calls and trying to find donated event space and vendors who want to participate for trade. This way, I can still have the events, we just won’t have a sponsor.
• • •
Take some time to think about situations in which you faced failure. How did you deal with them effectively? List these methods (or potential methods that you might want to try) on the following lines. This will serve as an invaluable reference the next time you face failure.
PUTTING EVERYTHING INTO PERSPECTIVE
As you work on getting it together, it’s important to remember that while we can try our best to control our schedules, plans, calendars, and how frequently we get to the gym, life happens—and usually at the worst times. We’ve all been there . . . whether it’s getting sick, coping with a death in the family, dealing with an upset client, or being delayed by a hurricane or snowstorm, life happens to everyone. By getting a better grip on the stuff we can control (such as how much sleep we get), we’ll be better equipped to deal with anything that comes our way.
If we can handle the small things, we’ll be better prepared to deal with the big things.
By understanding how to effectively handle rejection and failure, you’ll have the tools you need to continuously experiment and try new things as we work to get it together. Let’s dive right in with Chapter 4, “Set Your Goals.”