11

How to Say No to Taking on More

by Rebecca Knight

Quick Takes

Editor’s Note: This article was written about politely and effectively saying “no” to taking on more work at work—and working parents need to have this skill down cold. But these techniques are just as essential for declining some of the countless requests parents face from their children’s schools, sports, clubs, and activities. Whether it’s being asked to be treasurer of the parent-teacher association, assistant coaching your toddler’s soccer team, or delivering brownies to yet another bake sale, the advice in this article will help you keep your workload outside of work under control and allow you to devote more time and energy to your highest priorities.

Sometimes you have too much on your plate or you’re just not interested in taking on a project or role you’ve been offered. You might not have a choice in the matter, but if you do, how do you turn down the opportunity in a way that won’t offend the person offering? How can you avoid being labeled “not a team player” or “difficult to work with”?

What the Experts Say

For most of us, saying “no” doesn’t come naturally. You feel lousy disappointing a colleague, guilty about turning down your boss, and anxious denying a client’s request. “You don’t want to be seen as a ‘no person,’” says Karen Dillon, coauthor of How Will You Measure Your Life? “You want to be viewed as a ‘yes person,’ a ‘go-to person’—a team player.” Trouble is, agreeing to work on too many assignments and pitching in on too many projects leaves you stretched and stressed. Saying “no” is vital to both your success and the success of your organization—but that doesn’t make it any easier to do, says Holly Weeks, the author of Failure to Communicate. “People say, ‘There is no good way to give bad news.’ But there are steps you can take to make the conversation go as well as possible.” Here are some pointers.

Take some time to assess the request

Before you respond with a knee-jerk “no,” Dillon advises assessing the request first by determining how “interesting, engaging, and exciting the opportunity is,” and then by figuring out whether it’s feasible for you to help. “Think about what’s on your plate, whether priorities can be shuffled, or whether a colleague could step in to assist you [on your other projects],” she says. “Don’t say ‘no’ until you’re sure you need to.” The assessment ought not be a solo endeavor, adds Weeks. She suggests providing the person who’s making the request—be it a client, a coworker, or your manager—with context about your workload so he can “help you evaluate the scale and scope” of what he’s asking. You need to know, for instance, “Is this a small thing that won’t take too long? Or is it a longer-term project? And how important is it?” She says the goal is for you to understand “how much your saying ‘no’ is going to cost the other person” and for your counterpart to grasp the “repercussions of what he’s asking.”

Be straightforward with your response

If you realize you have neither the desire nor the bandwidth to help and, therefore, need to turn down the request, be honest and up front about your reasons, advises Weeks. “Too often people start with lightweight reasons and hold back the real reason they’re saying ‘no’ because they think it’s too heavy,” she says. “But the little, self-deprecating explanations are not persuasive and are easily batted aside. Or they come across as disingenuous.” To limit frustration, be candid about why you’re saying “no.” If you’re challenged, stay steady, clear, and on message. Dillon recommends describing your workload and the “projects on your plate” by saying something like, “I would be unable to do a good job on your project, and my other work would suffer.”

Offer a lifeline

To maintain a good relationship with the person you’re turning down, it’s critical to “acknowledge the other side,” says Weeks. Be empathetic. Be compassionate. She suggests saying something like: “‘I realize that by saying “no,” this [chore] is going to be put back in your hands.’ The other person might not be happy with your answer, but he will be able to tolerate it.” Dillon suggests offering a lifeline by asking if there “are small ways you can be helpful” to the project. Perhaps you can attend brainstorming sessions, read first drafts, or simply serve as a sounding board. Even in saying “no,” you want to “convey team spirit,” she says. If you’re unable to offer small favors, be sure to keep optics in mind. “If you’re saying you’re too busy to help, don’t cut out early and don’t be seen taking long, chatty breaks at the watercooler.”

Be kind but firm

“The manner in which you say ‘no’ is so important,” says Dillon. “Don’t make the other person feel bad for asking you for help.” No sighing, no grimacing, no it’s-not-my-turn-why-don’t-you-ask-Donna? “Be kind, but firm.” Watch your tone and your body language, says Weeks. Don’t shuffle your feet and “don’t use facial expressions to express reluctance or demurral.” Strive for a neutral “no.” It’s also vital that you don’t leave your counterpart with false hope that your “no” could eventually turn into “yes,” she adds. “There is tremendous temptation to soften the ‘no’ to get a better response,” she says. “But when your ‘no’ is reluctant, flexible, and malleable, it gives the impression of ‘maybe I’ll change my mind,’ and it encourages your counterpart to keep pushing.” At the same time, she says, it’s reasonable to state that while the answer may be “no” today, things could change in the future.

Adjust your expectations

Even if you follow all the steps above, you should prepare for negative feedback. Your colleague or client “may not be happy; he may punish you or be perfectly content to burn a bridge,” says Weeks. “You can influence how the other person reacts, but you can’t control it.” She suggests “adjusting your expectations” on what you hope to accomplish. You can’t please everyone. “Don’t look at it as a choice between confrontation and preserving a relationship,” she says. Dillon agrees, noting that you shouldn’t read too much into the help-seeker’s initial reaction. “He feels frustrated. But it may not be personal. Don’t assume he’s going to be mad at you for three weeks.”

Practice

To get better at saying “no,” Dillon suggests practicing saying it out loud—either alone, behind closed doors, or with a trusted friend or colleague. “Listen to yourself,” she says. Your tone should be clear and your demeanor diplomatic. “You want to say ‘no’ in a way that makes people respect you.” Saying “no” is a skill you can learn, and eventually it’ll become easier, adds Weeks. “Think of all the people who have to say ‘no’ for a living—lawyers, cops, referees, judges,” she says. “They do it with dignity. They own what they’re saying. And they are accountable for it regardless of strong feelings on both sides.”

Adapted from “How to Say No to Taking on More Work,” on hbr.org, December 29, 2015 (product #H02KS1).