How to Guide Conversations Toward Extraordinary Results
Jurgen Wolff
We like to think of conversations as exchanges in which we listen to the other person and share our thoughts and feelings with them. It should be easy, yet often we leave a conversation or business meeting feeling frustrated that the other person didn’t seem to understand. The other person leaves feeling the same way. Why is it so difficult?
The Problem with Most Conversations
One problem is that we tend to ignore the reality of human communication. Let’s take an example: George and Bill are colleagues. They run into each other at the water cooler on Monday morning, and George notices that Bill has a bit of a tan.
George: “Hey, Bill, got some sun, eh?”
Bill: “Yes, Jane and I took the boys to the lake. First time we’ve been camping together this—“
At this point, George has heard the trigger word “camping” and starts to think about what he wants to say on the subject. The fact that Bill is still talking is convenient, because it gives George time to think.
Bill: “...other than the outside toilets, ha ha. But—”
George is ready. He interrupts.
George: “I used to go camping all the time when I was young. My dad was a Scout Master, so we could—”
Bill is slightly annoyed that George has interrupted—after all, Bill hasn’t gotten around to telling him yet about the fish he caught. Oh well, George will have to take a breath sometime...
George: “...all those merit badges. I still have them somewhere—I’m not sure where.” (He takes a breath.)
Bill is more diplomatic than George, so he decides to make a link between what George has just been saying and what he wants to say:
Bill: “You must have done a bit of fishing in the Scouts, eh? This weekend, I caught—”
And so it will go on. Most conversations are not a dialogue, but intersecting monologues. You are the star of your own life, and the others are merely supporting actors. Of course, in the other person’s life, he is the star, and you are merely the supporting player. We’re all working from different scripts. No wonder communication can be difficult!
Make a Connection with the Secret of Rapport
You can establish rapport by finding an interest in common with the other person. And what is each person’s greatest interest most of the time? That’s right: themselves. Therefore, you can establish rapport with just about anyone by taking a genuine interest in them.
First, break the pattern illustrated in our sample conversation between Bill and George by actually listening. Instead of letting trigger words send you into yourself (at which point you will be only half-listening), stay with the conversation. Hear the words, but also watch the other person for nonverbal clues to how they feel about what is being described. Give feedback, both verbal and nonverbal (head nodding, smiling, and so on) to show that you understand and are in synch.
Once you start really listening, it’s not as hard as it used to be to find the other person of genuine interest. Let’s use the example of meeting a potential client. Shift your focus from your own desire to sell to wanting to understand the person you are dealing with. Ask some questions and listen to the answers. If there is a good match between what the client needs and what you’re offering, it will be a natural progression to talk about your product or services.
Establish Greater Rapport by Matching Their Language
Listening will also give you useful information for a rapport strategy that comes from the field of Neuro Linguistic Programming. The technique is to match the person with whom you are dealing. One of the things you can match is the language they use to represent their world.
A visual person will say things like, “That’s clear” or “I see your point” or “Give me some time to look at that.”
An auditory person will say things like, “I heard what you’re saying” or “That rings a bell” or “I like the sound of that.”
A kinaesthetic (hands-on learning) person will say things like, “I have a rough idea” or “Those are pretty heavy numbers” or “My gut instinct is that you’re right.”
Most people will use a mixture and some will also use phrases that are gustatory—relating to taste—or olfactory—relating to smell—but typically one of the above three predominates.
Guiding a Conversation by Pacing and Leading
There is another Neuro Linguistic Programming language concept—pacing and leading—that is useful in establishing rapport and also in helping change a negative conversation into a positive one. Let’s take a personal example:
A friend calls you up and the conversation goes like this:
Other person: “I’m so depressed!”
You: “Cheer up! The sun is shining; the birds are singing. You should be happy to be alive!!”
Not likely to be effective, is it? When you counter one extreme with another extreme, there is no change. Let’s try it again:
Other person: “I’m so depressed!”
You (sympathetic tone of voice): “What’s the matter?”
Other person: “I’ve gained back two pounds this week. I’m such a weakling!”
You: “Dieting is so difficult.”
Other person: “I had three business dinners last week. That’s what did it.”
You: “Hmmm, yeah, it’s hard not to eat the same things everybody else is eating. Any business dinners next week?”
Other person: “Only one. I’m taking out a potential client.”
You: “Japanese food can be pretty healthy and light in calories. Do you think your client might agree to a Japanese restaurant?”
Other person: “Good idea. I can ask.”
You start out by expressing empathy with your tone of voice as well as your words. Then you look for a genuinely more positive aspect to focus on. Then you move forward into looking at some useful alternatives.
Persuade Through the Power of Reframing
Reframing means looking at something in a different way. It’s similar to using metaphors and stories, in that the reframed version is like a new story about the same thing.
Here’s an example of reframing in a conversation:
Maria: “There’s a personal development workshop my sister has been raving about, and it’s on again this weekend. Do you think you might want to go?”
Ted: “I don’t know. Where is it? And when?”
Maria: “This weekend. It’s in Chicago. We’d have to leave Indianapolis at 6 a.m.”
Ted: “Be up at 6 a.m. on a Saturday?! Forget it!”
Maria: “Yes, that’s pretty early. Of course, it would only be the one morning, and the weekend could change your life.”
Ted: “Change my life? How?”
The trigger word here was 6 a.m. Probably Ted immediately made an internal picture of trying to get up at 5 a.m. and didn’t like it. Then Maria reframed it by putting it in a different, much bigger context: getting up early one day to change one’s life. That was enough to make Ted interested again and ask for more information.
Focus Your Communication with Metaphors and Stories
A metaphor need not be a whole story; it can be simply a phrase or a sentence. Let’s say a colleague feels that negotiations have hit a standstill and there’s no point in going on. You could say something like, “Yeah, it feels like we’re hitting a brick wall. I wonder if there’s a way to tunnel under it.” Just a simple statement like that may give your colleague the idea not to stick to the same strategy, but to consider trying something different.
The next time you need to make a point but feel that making it directly might lead to resistance, construct a metaphor and drop that into your conversation instead. Avoid the temptation to follow the metaphor with your explanation of what it means, or you’ll negate its value.
Diffuse Opposition with the Three-Questions Technique
This technique is simple: Before opposing any statement by another person, ask at least three questions.
Let’s see how three questions might help in a conversation between a screenwriter and a producer:
Producer: “The ending of your script doesn’t work for me.”
Writer: “I see. What, specifically, do you feel doesn’t work?”
Producer: “I just don’t think the woman would act that way.”
Writer: “Hmm, that’s interesting. What does she do that you don’t find plausible?”
Producer: “She picks up the gun and goes out onto the street—I mean, how does she suddenly know how to use a gun?”
Writer: “I see, so you feel that we haven’t laid the groundwork for that action?”
Producer: “That’s right!”
Writer: “Well, maybe there’s something we can do earlier in the script to set up that she’s able to use a gun—maybe her father used to take her hunting, or she did a self-defense course or something like that.”
You may be surprised at how often what the other person says first isn’t really what he means. Asking at least three questions will help you get to the bottom of his meaning, and then you can respond to that.
How to Break a Block
There are times when you will find that you and the person with whom you’re speaking just can’t agree on some point. What to do then? Move up one or more levels to the point where you do agree, and then generate additional alternatives. In other words, move the focus of the conversation away from the point of disagreement, to a point of agreement, then on to a new point of agreement.
Let’s take a business example: Your firm’s PR agency made a mess of a campaign. You want to fire the agency and bring the function in-house, while your colleague wants to give the agency a strong reprimand but another chance.
Backing up one step, what was the last thing you agreed upon? Perhaps it was just that the PR company did a very poor job and didn’t liaise closely enough with your company before releasing information to the press. Now start generating alternatives that would deal with the problem that you do agree needs to be dealt with. You generate responses to the problem until you find one that is acceptable to both of you.
You Say Yes So They Say No (How to Cope with Polarity Response)
Anybody who has had dealings with a four-year-old already understands the concept of polarity response. It means that whatever you say, the other person will automatically say the opposite. It’s a strategy for rebelling and testing limits; most people go through it when they’re three or four and again when they’re teenagers, but some stick with it all their lives.
In some cases, however, you need to get someone who has habitual polarity response to agree to something. Here are two strategies:
1. Give the person several alternatives, all of which would be acceptable to you, and ask him to choose one. You can still get him to choose the least objectionable.
2. Take the position opposite to, or at least different from, the one you really support. The other person will oppose it, and you can let him convince you.
Focus Your Self-Talk
Most of us have an internal running commentary. Often this is shockingly judgmental and harsh. We say things to ourselves we would never say to a friend or colleague. Just as you can now listen more attentively to what others say, you can begin to pay more attention to what you say to yourself—and to challenge it when it is harsh or otherwise not constructive. For example, when you make a mistake, rather than getting down on yourself for it, reframe it. Put it into perspective with everything else you’ve done. We all make mistakes, and when we realize we’ve made them, we have the opportunity to choose between punishing ourselves or simply learning something.