Chapter Two

Precision

Use the Right Word

As Mark Twain once observed, “The difference between the almost right word and the right word is really a large matter—’tis the difference between the lightning-bug and the lightning.” But word choice isn’t everything.

Your effectiveness as a writer also depends on the rhythm and flow of your sentences, the organization of your material into paragraphs, and the arrangement of your paragraphs into a coherent whole. It depends on your handling of content, your point of view, and your rhetorical strategies for engaging your audience. It depends on cosmetic features such as correct grammar and punctuation, and on deeper, more enduring qualities such as originality, creativity, and imagination. But if you want to write with style, word choice is a good place to start. Like notes to a musician, words are the writer’s medium.

In this chapter I discuss the second key to great writing: how to choose words that will make your writing more vivid, precise, bold, original, and memorable, and how to avoid certain common word-choice errors.

Listen carefully.

In the spring of my daughter’s senior year in high school, she, my wife, and I toured the campus of a university in Chicago. As our group was walking through the student recreation center, our student tour guide said he would take us down to the weight room—“Except,” he explained, “I’m afraid you might hear some profound language down there.”

Well, from college students one would hope to hear “profound language”—especially considering the cost of tuition these days—but I suspect what our congenial host meant was “profane language.”

People who write with authority are people who pay attention to language. They are alert to the sound and meaning of words. As a result, they have at their command the vocabulary they need to express their thoughts with precision and nuance. To write with style, tune your ear to language.

Collect good words.

Be on the lookout for words that are useful in your everyday writing and that suit your style and personality. When you encounter a word you like, make it yours. Consider its meaning and the context in which it is used. Look it up. Write it down. Learn how to spell and pronounce it. Move it from your larger comprehensive vocabulary, which you depend on as a listener and reader, into your smaller expressive vocabulary, which you depend on as a speaker and writer. Without good words, you’re like a flashlight without good batteries.

Use a thesaurus to remind you of words you already know.

Whether printed or online, a thesaurus is an indispensable tool—when used properly. Use one to remind you of words you have some experience with and feeling for. A thesaurus will help you not only rewrite the familiar—“You can’t edify an antiquated canine concerning novel maneuvers”—but find the best, most precise word to convey your meaning. Compare, for example, “His claim to represent the Rolling Stones was deceptive” with “His claim to represent the Rolling Stones was fraudulent.”

A thesaurus also can help you make your point with less monotony and more precision by suggesting alternatives. Compare “Surrounded by careless word choice, the careful writer must always be careful” with “Besieged by thoughtless word choice, the careful writer must always be on guard.”

Be wary, however, of using a synonym from a list of suggestions if you are encountering the word for the first time. Attend to connotation (mood and feelings) as well as denotation (literal meaning). Remember that no two words are exact synonyms. There’s a reason Hemingway didn’t call his tale The Old Man and the Ocean or The Elderly Man and the Sea.

Make a Definite Impression

Not all words serve a writer’s purpose equally well. As you continue to broaden your vocabulary and develop your style, you will find that certain types of words are more useful than others.

Prefer the concrete and the particular to the abstract and the general.

It would be difficult to explore some of the great themes in literature and philosophy without abstract words like truth, beauty, and goodness, but, as a rule, effective writing draws its energy from specificity, not from abstraction and generality. You are more likely to make a definite impression on your reader if you use specific, rather than abstract, words. Rather than “We were affected by the news,” write “We were relieved by the news” or “We were devastated by the news.” Use words that convey precisely and vividly what you are thinking or feeling.

Compare “Cutting down all those beautiful old trees really changed the appearance of the landscape” with “In two weeks, the loggers transformed a ten thousand-acre forest of old-growth red and white pine into a field of ruts and stubble.”

Appeal to the five senses.

As the novelist Joseph Conrad advised, don’t tell the reader; show the reader. The best way to avoid vagueness and write vividly is to appeal to your readers' senses. You can go beyond merely telling to showing by using “concrete words” or “sense words,” words that refer to things that can be seen, smelled, heard, tasted, or touched.

Rather than “She leads a hectic life,” write “Her life is so hectic she moved dirty dishes to a new apartment.” Rather than “The Cardinal liked to have dinner late in the afternoon, just before the sun began to fade,” write, as Willa Cather does in Death Comes for the Archbishop:

When writers think of detail, they tend to think only of visual detail, but don’t forget the other senses, especially the sense of smell, which can evoke strong feelings within your reader. Rather than “Whenever I go home to Brownsville, I have mixed feelings,” write, as Alfred Kazin does in A Walker in the City:

Conversely, to obfuscate or obscure your meaning, use abstract words (pacification, collateral damage, ethnic cleansing) that do not evoke an image in the mind of the reader. As George Orwell contends in his famous essay “Politics and the English Language,” the aim of political speech and writing often is to defend the indefensible:

As Orwell reminds us, whenever someone uses language that fails to evoke a mental image, you should be concerned about what that person is hiding.

Prefer strong action verbs to weak abstract nouns.

As I will discuss in chapter three, verbs are the most important part of speech. For a lively, energetic style rather than a noun-heavy, lethargic style, choose strong action verbs (such as collide and recommend) rather than weak verbs linked to abstract nouns (such as have a collision and make a recommendation). Rather than “It is my suggestion that we make a commitment to the solution of this problem,” write “I suggest we commit ourselves to solving this problem,” or simply, “We need to solve this problem.”

Now it’s your turn: Make an attempt to make a revision in this sentence.

Avoid Common Errors in Word Choice

As I discussed in chapter one, meaningless modifiers are a common source of wordiness. Other common word choice errors include sexist or noninclusive language, fancy language, and distance-creating language.

Don’t trust your modifiers.

Adjectives and adverbs are the trickiest words to use well. Even when they are meant to intensify, they can diminish. Whenever you use a modifier, follow the advice I offered in discussing the “Harlem” editing exercise: Try the sentence without it. If nothing is lost, leave the word out. Compare “We took very immediate action” with “We took immediate action.” The difference is subtle but significant.

Remember, Mark Twain and Ernest Hemingway didn’t tell us not to use modifiers. After all, why would we have them if we weren’t supposed to use them? They said to use them carefully.

Avoid sexist language.

Which of the following sentences do you find least objectionable?

1. A good manager knows his strengths and weaknesses.
2. A good manager knows her strengths and weaknesses.
3. A good manager knows his or her strengths and weaknesses.
4. A good manager knows their strengths and weaknesses.
5. Good managers know their strengths and weaknesses.

My guess is you chose 5. By making both the noun managers and the pronoun their plural, you avoid a number of problems: the exclusive use of the masculine pronoun his, the exclusive use of the feminine pronoun hers, the inclusive but awkward his or her, and the distracting shift from the singular manager to the plural their.

Converting nouns and pronouns from the singular to the plural is perhaps the most graceful way to write inclusively. Here are some other practical methods of avoiding sexist language:

• Replace the masculine pronoun with an article (a, an, or the). Change “The accused has a right to confront his accuser” to “The accused has a right to confront the accuser.”
• Use the second person. Change “If a new associate works hard, he might make partner” to “If you work hard, you might make partner.”
• Eliminate the masculine pronoun. Change “Ask any feminist and he’ll tell you so” to “Any feminist will tell you so.”
• As a last resort, use the inclusive but awkward he or she or his or her. Change “Have you ever admired an otherwise inept CEO for his ability to give good speeches?” to “Have you ever admired an otherwise inept CEO for his or her ability to give good speeches?”

Although slashed constructions such as she/he and his/hers are inclusive, they are awkward, so it’s best to avoid them.

Though not an acceptable choice to some readers, sentence 4, “A good manager knows their strengths and weaknesses,” merits comment. More and more writers are mixing singular nouns and plural pronouns, and according to Casey Miller and Kate Swift in The Handbook of Nonsexist Writing, they are doing so on good authority. For centuries, many writers (including Shakespeare) commonly used they to refer to both plural and singular nouns.

The third edition of The American Heritage Dictionary offers this comment: “Third person plural forms, such as their, have a good deal to recommend them: They are admirably brief and entirely colloquial and may be the only sensible choice in informal style.” The dictionary goes on to point out, however, that “this solution ignores a persistent intuition that expressions such as everyone and each student should in fact be treated as grammatically singular,” and it recommends that “writers who are concerned about avoiding both grammatical and social problems are best advised to use coordinate forms such as his or her.” It concludes: “The entire question is unlikely to be resolved in the near future.”

Here’s my position: Let’s declare the singular they acceptable when it refers to a noun or another pronoun used in an indefinite sense and be done with it. If either John or Jane wants to see me, tell them to come right in. I’m ready to see them. I’m eager to see them. I’m tired of seeing him or her. But we should continue to respect singular and plural agreement when a pronoun refers to a noun or another pronoun used in a definite sense. In other words, everyone has a right to their opinion, and I, for one, am ready to hear it.

Avoid fancy words (or don’t succumb to pompous diction and acute prolixity).

There is a difference between vivid language and unnecessarily fancy language. As you search for the particular, the colorful, and the unusual, be careful not to choose words merely for their sound or appearance rather than for their substance. When it comes to word choice, longer is not always better. As a rule, prefer simple, plain language over fancy language.

Here are some examples of fancy words that are commonly used when simpler, plainer words would suffice. There’s nothing inherently wrong with the words on the left, but some writers tend to use them—perhaps out of anxiety or insecurity—when they want to impress their readers with big words rather than solid content. If the fancy word on the left conveys your meaning more accurately and more precisely than the one on the right, by all means use the fancy word. But if the plain word on the right conveys your meaning just as well, don’t be afraid to use the plain one.

Fancy word	Plain word
acquire, procure, secure	buy, get
advise	tell, let [someone] know
apprise	inform
ascertain	learn, find out
assist, expedite, facilitate	help
attempt, endeavor, undertake	try
be cognizant of/that	be aware of/that
be desirous of/that, wish	want, would like
be contingent upon	depend on
commence, initiate	begin, start
employ, utilize	use
eventuate, transpire	happen
execute, implement, perform	begin, complete, carry out, do
deem, envisage	think, regard, see
demonstrate, evidence, manifest	show
finalize, terminate	conclude, end, settle
furnish	give, provide
impact	affect, influence
prioritize	rank
quantify	measure
relinquish, render, surrender	give, give back, return
terminate	complete, conclude, finish
transmit	send

Two words, both of which are popular with technical writers, warrant comment: impact and utilize. The acceptability of impact when used as a verb depends on your audience and the type of writing you are doing. Many nontechnical writers insist that impact should be used only as a noun. But try to tell a Department of Natural Resources employee or an environmental engineer not to use impact in a sentence such as “Acid rain is impacting the water quality in the Great Lakes” and you’ll get a puzzled, if not annoyed, look. (More than thirty years ago, writers were waging a similar debate over whether contact should be used as a verb.) The point is that what is common and perfectly acceptable in one style of writing may be considered poor usage in another.

Utilize presents a similar case. It is frowned on as a wordy variant of use by many nontechnical writers, but it is commonly used by technical writers—so commonly used, in fact, that many technical readers would be surprised to see use in its place. There is, however, a distinction worth noting between the two words. Utilize means not only to use, but to use well or to use in a novel way. So, for example, if a computer company were to donate ten computers to a teacher for classroom use, the teacher might say, “Thanks, but I am unable to use these computers because I don’t have enough electrical outlets in my room.” Or the teacher might say, “Thanks, but I am unable to utilize these computers because I don’t know how to incorporate them into my teaching style.”

Unless you have a good reason for using a fancy word, use a plain one. Avoid language that seems stilted or unnecessarily formal in favor of language that sounds natural and genuine to your ear. Trust the right word—whether fancy or plain—to do the job.

Avoid language that creates distance between you and your reader.

When you were in junior high, did you sit around the lunch table with your friends and say things like, “As per our phone conversation last night, I deem it imperative that we meet after school at our earliest possible convenience so that we might commence work on our homework in a collaborative fashion,” or did you say “Wanna do homework right after school?”

So why do so many writers use such artificial-sounding language, particularly when they write on the job? Maybe they think that business writing requires a special kind of language, that if they don’t toss in an occasional as per or pursuant to, they aren’t doing their job.

Remember: Most readers prefer natural, everyday language. Most would rather read “Here is the brochure you requested” than “Enclosed please find the requested brochure.” Do your friends and acquaintances go around saying “as per” and “enclosed please find”? Do they talk like that at lunch? If they do, I suggest you look for new lunch partners.

If you write, “As you instructed, I have opened a new account for you,” your reader is more likely to enjoy your company. But if you write, “In accordance with your instructions, establishment of a new account has been effectuated,” your reader probably can’t wait to get away from you.

It comes down to this: Certain words are likely to make you seem like a warm, caring human being, whereas others are likely to make you seem like a cold, heartless bureaucrat. Certain expressions are distance reducing; others are distance creating.

Compare, for example, “Thank you for your letter in which you express your dissatisfaction with our product” with “Receipt of your letter expressing dissatisfaction with our product is acknowledged.” Imagine the kind of person who might have written each opening. Which writer seems more amiable and genuine? Whose company would you prefer on a transatlantic flight?

So avoid certain distance-creating expressions. They include as per, pursuant to, and in accordance with, as well as any number of directional expressions or words that point—expressions such as above-referenced and below-listed.

Even the expression enclosed please find, though handy, can be replaced with something more relevant and interesting to your reader. Compare “Enclosed please find our company brochure,” for example, with “The enclosed brochure explains how our company can reduce your inventory maintenance costs by 25 percent.”

Distance-creating language is commonly used not only in the openings but also in the closings of correspondence. Words and expressions to avoid include the following: matter, as in “Thank you for your assistance with this matter” (whether gray, cerebral matter or the stuff that collects in the corner of your eye, it’s not a pretty word); in advance, as in “Thank you in advance for your assistance” (the phrase suggests the reader is not worth taking the time to thank later); and contact rather than call, as in “Please contact me at this number.” (To my mind, contact seems more appropriate to the relationship between an insect and your windshield than between you and your reader.)

To conclude this chapter, I return to where I began: Word choice isn’t everything—but it’s pretty darn important, if you know what I mean.

Chapter Two Exercises

Use the Right Word

1. Listen carefully.

Read aloud a passage from one of your favorite books. Listen carefully to the sound of the words. Are there any that strike you as particularly useful, precise, subtle, or beautiful?

2. Collect good words.

Write down three words you hear or read in the next day or so that appeal to you. What is it you like about them? Is it their sound? Their precise meaning? Find an opportunity to use each word.

3. Use a thesaurus to remind you of words you already know.

Pay attention to both the denotation and the connotation of words. For example, if you say someone is wrong, your meaning is clear but plain. To call someone’s findings erroneous, however, is to question that person’s competence, to say they are contrived is to impugn their integrity, and to say they are ludicrous is to ridicule them. How many synonyms can you think of for the word plain? Now use a thesaurus to check your vocabulary against the synonyms suggested.

Make a Definite Impression

4. Prefer the concrete and the particular to the abstract and the general.

Rewrite the following sentence, replacing what is general with particular detail: “The man looks comfortable in jeans as he shuts off the tractor.”

5. Appeal to the five senses.

Now expand on your description of the man in jeans shutting off his tractor by invoking your other three senses. Write what you smell, feel, and taste.

6. Prefer strong action verbs to weak abstract nouns.

So would you make a revision in this sentence, or would you to revise it? Have you come to the realization that you have a tendency to turn your action verbs into nominalizations, or have you realized that you tend to nominalize?

Write your own version of the previous sentence, turning three abstract nouns into three action verbs.

Avoid Common Errors in Word Choice

7. Don’t trust your modifiers.

Delete the nonfunctioning adjectives and adverbs from the following sentence: “The end result of the study has produced a general consensus that there will be a sharp rise in cancer-related deaths in the immediate vicinity of the meltdown.”

8. Avoid sexist language.

Using the techniques recommended in this section, rewrite the following sentence in four different ways to eliminate its sexist language: “A doctor should pay attention to what his patients tell him.”

9. Avoid fancy words (or don’t succumb to pompous diction and acute prolixity).

Replace the fancy words with language more appropriate to the subject in the following sentences:

a. The cheetah endeavored to terminate the life of the gazelle.

b. We need to effectuate a solution to this problem.

c. You should procure a second opinion before acquiescing to an operation.

10. Avoid language that creates distance between you and your reader.

Replace the distance-producing words with language that makes you seem more genuine and approachable:

a. As per our discussion, please find my below-listed concerns.

b. Pursuant to your request, enclosed please find the project specifications.

c. The titleholder of this forested land is in my estimation known to me.

Chapter Two Exercise Answers

Use the Right Word

1. Listen carefully.

Think of a plain, ordinary synonym for each of the words you selected from a favorite book. Do a word search for those ordinary words in something you’ve written. Can you replace what you find with a word you identified as particularly useful, precise, subtle, or beautiful?

2. Collect good words.

Continue adding to your list of words that appeal to you, and continue finding opportunities to use those words in your conversation and writing.

3. Use a thesaurus to remind you of words you already know.

Did the thesaurus suggest any words you found useful? Did it suggest words you like but for some reason never use? Did you think of some synonyms for plain that you like better than the ones provided by the thesaurus? I thought of banal, mundane, pedestrian, and quotidian.

Make a Definite Impression

4. Prefer the concrete and the particular to the abstract and the general.

Here’s how Joyce Sutphen depicts a man in jeans shutting off his tractor in her poem, “Here Is My Father:”

5. Appeal to the five senses.

Can you see Sutphen’s father’s dark legs in the passage above? Can you hear the clank of the starter crank? (And did you notice the assonance of clank and crank?) Note that you can see and hear in Sutphen’s description but not smell, feel, and taste. Add a sentence or two to her description that appeals to those three senses.

6. Prefer strong action verbs to weak abstract nouns.

If you can’t think of any nominalizations to play around with, use these: recommendation, decision, reference / recommend, decide, refer.

Avoid Common Errors in Word Choice

7. Don’t trust your modifiers.

Did you delete end, general, and immediate? Did you retain sharp and cancer-related? Note that an argument could be made for retaining immediate. Also, sharp rise could be replaced with spike.

8. Avoid sexist language.

Here are four different ways you might have rewritten that sentence to eliminate its sexist language:

a. A doctor should pay attention to what a patient says.

b. You should pay attention to what your patients tell you.

c. A doctor should pay attention to what their patients say.

d. A doctor should pay attention to what his or her patients tell him or her.

Note: The fourth option, a last resort, produces an awkward sentence.

9. Avoid fancy words (or don’t succumb to pompous diction and acute prolixity).

Here’s how you might have revised those sentences:

a. The cheetah tried to kill the gazelle.

b. We need to solve this problem.

c. You should get a second opinion before agreeing to an operation.

10. Avoid language that creates distance between you and your reader.

Do your revised sentences resemble these?

a. As we discussed, here are my concerns.

b. As you requested, I’m enclosing the project specifications.

c. I think I know whose woods these are (or as Robert Frost wrote the line, “Whose woods these are I think I know”).