I grew up in a single-parent household, a product of an early 1970s California divorce by the age of three. I am the oldest of my siblings and cousins. As a result, I was naturally the first to do things. I wasn’t used to waiting around for someone else to do them for me.

From my mom, I learned perseverance and optimism. She believed your life is what you make of it and you don’t need a lot to be happy. The one thing you do need is choice. This is huge for me. I believe we have a choice in how we perceive and react to the world around us. We have a choice in everything, and in that, we are powerful.

The other piece that influenced me early on was the lack of structure. Nothing was overtly prescribed. While basic rules applied, the theory of “life is yours to figure out” prevailed. On one hand, I didn’t have a lot of clear role models for how I wanted to be, but on the other hand, the only limitations were self-imposed. While no one was telling me what I should be, no one was telling me what I couldn’t be, either.

Early experiences in life led me to believe the world isn’t always safe for those who are vulnerable. Because of that, I had a strong need to control my environment, and I was in a hurry to be a grown-up. From an early age, I’ve worked to take care of myself. While I wasn’t the most reliable papergirl or fast-food worker in town (I had difficulty with timeliness—sometimes I still do), from the age of thirteen, I worked to be able to do the things others took for granted. I believed if it were to be, it was up to me.

I started out pretty focused on achievement and accomplishment. Once I started acquiring the safety, security, and love I sought in the world, my perspective began to shift. My basic needs for survival are now satisfied, and I am now more focused on meaning and purpose. My leadership role models were my teachers and counselors. With their support, I’ve been able to move to a place where I seek to serve others.

I believe my responsibility in a leadership position is to serve those I work with. My goal is for my interactions to encourage people to grow and become healthier, wiser, freer, more autonomous, and more likely to serve others inside and outside the workplace.

I want to give you every opportunity to identify, stretch toward, and reach your potential. By doing this, you grow, I grow, and the people we serve all benefit. My life mission is to work with people to build their confidence and recognize their capabilities. I believe we all do the best we can, based on our awareness. I pledge to give you the opportunity to increase your awareness on a daily basis.

Wouldn’t it be great if only we could act with the confidence others have in us? Why is it that the validation we seek most often comes from outside of us? For example, when we are uncertain about how we will do on a big project, on a test, or with delivering a presentation, our supporters tell us things like “You’ll do great” or “I don’t know what you’re worried about. You always do well.” Why is it so easy for others to express confidence in us while we undermine ourselves with worry and doubt? My theory is that we are conditioned to focus on our weaknesses. We undervalue what comes naturally to us. We end up performing not to fail instead of doing what we love.

How many of you have heard this story? After a man’s untimely death, his family went through his personal items and found a tattered piece of paper the deceased had held onto since third grade. The paper listed the qualities his classmates valued about him (runs fast, makes funny jokes, has good handwriting, etc.). The man had held onto it all that time. The point is that for many of us, our desire for validation and appreciation never goes away. It doesn’t come along often enough.

I want to increase your focus on your strengths and encourage you to internalize your appreciation of your best qualities. I believe we are born good and that we all have the capacity to be great. But our success doesn’t come from identifying and/or “fixing” our weaknesses. It comes from leveraging our strengths. We grow the most where we know the most. Excellent performers are not well-rounded; in fact, they are sharp. The tragedy in life is not that we do not have enough strengths; it is that we fail to use the ones we have.

One of my favorite quotes comes from Marianne Williamson, although Nelson Mandela is often credited with it, because it was part of his inauguration speech. Mandela is an amazing leader who used adversity to look inward. He used his experiences to better serve the world. Here is the quote:

I want to support you in eliminating those doubts and fears, to see weaknesses as simply underdeveloped strengths.

You can expect that I will be honest and understanding, but that I will have high expectations for you and for myself. I pledge to provide you with development. My feedback for you will be to educate, facilitate, and support rather than dictate, suffocate, and control. I want to have fun with you and laugh with you. I will work toward an ease of communication that will help us both achieve our goals. We will get there by building trust. Please know that I have only the best of intentions for you, our relationship, and the work we do together.

I expect that you will take responsibility for your role and the contribution you can make. In our regular meetings, I will ask you to help me by letting me know the answers to the following questions:

I promise to continue to learn and grow to better serve you. I will strive to model behaviors required for a healthy balance between work and home. I promise to be open to your “feedforward” (ideas and things you think I could benefit from developing or concentrating on) and feedback (thoughts on something that wasn’t everything it could be).

I thank you for your attention, your audience, and your valuable time. As I mentioned, my intent in communicating my leadership point of view is to enhance our relationship, build that ease of communication, selfishly get you in my corner, and let you know I’m in yours.

What questions can I answer for you?

By the time I was eleven, both my parents had moved away, leaving my brother and me with our grandmother. We lived in a remote town in the Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia, where my grandmother had lived her entire life. My grandfather had passed away about seven years earlier, so it was only my grandmother, my brother, and I. She was retired and living on Social Security. Needless to say, we were not wealthy.

My brother and I grew up without parental guidance. We made our own decisions in life, learning by trial and error. My brother was my first mentor—and by far the most influential. Even though he was only thirteen at the time, he had vision and was wise beyond his years. He knew that life had a lot to offer us. He constantly encouraged me to strive to be better and not let my situation determine my future. He taught me what I later learned in the SEAL teams as “offensive mind-set.” Offensive mind-set is to be the cause of the effect, not the effect that was caused. Essentially, it means to control your destiny rather than letting your environment control it.

My brother was two years older than I, so he taught me the hard lessons he had learned. We were a team. These two concepts are extremely important in my current profession.

My senior year I met my next mentor when I received a baseball scholarship. Coach Guzzo taught me discipline, teamwork, honor, and how to be a winner. He didn’t care how good a player you were; if you weren’t a team player, you didn’t play. During one game he benched one of our best players because he ignored the signal to sacrifice bunt and decided, on his own, to swing at the pitch. His hit scored the winning run, but Coach Guzzo benched him for not being willing to sacrifice himself for the team.

Shortly after leaving school, I decided I wanted to be a Navy SEAL. From the moment I found out about the SEAL teams, I knew that was where I needed to be. I have learned nearly my entire leadership point of view from living it in the teams. The training is centered on core values and team values. Part of the selection requires you to adopt the team’s values. Your character is stressed more than your skills or physical ability. I don’t know of any other organization in the world that is as good at training character as this one.

I approach my job as a responsibility and a privilege; I work for you. I compare myself to a stagecoach driver. By driving the stagecoach, I am responsible for leading the team of horses, but without the team, I’m a pedestrian. Without me, you would still be pulling the stagecoach, and you would still be a team. The bottom line is, without you, I don’t have a job. Without me, you still have a job. Therefore, I am here because of you, not the other way around.

I realize that everyone makes mistakes. If you make a mistake or use poor judgment because of lack of experience, own up to it and move on. I can deal with that. If it’s a character issue, that’s a different story. When making a decision, I find it useful to ask myself a few questions. Does it look right? Sound right? Feel right? If I answer no to any one of these, I know it probably isn’t the right thing to do. I also consider whether the decision supports the mission and whether I would be willing to walk into the commanding officer’s office and tell him about my decision. If I am not willing to do that, I reconsider my decision.

Remember that we are all here for the same reason: to accomplish the mission. This means that sometimes I’ll have to make decisions that not all of you agree with. I don’t expect you to. If we are all thinking alike, none of us is thinking at all. It is crucial that each one of you think for himself. But sometimes I will make decisions that may not be popular. That is my job and my responsibility. Remember, you fight for a democracy; you don’t work for one—and neither do I. We all take orders. Just keep in mind that I am always trying to do the best for the team and that I will shield you from the top. Most of the time, I will leave the decisions up to you. I trust your judgment, because you are the experts. You have the authority to use that judgment. I’m here to guide you; I’m not a dictator. On the rare occasion when I do need to give a direct order, I expect it to be followed both in practice and in spirit. Remember that there is a reason for it.

The past ten years with the teams has had the greatest influence on my leadership perspective. The adversity I have encountered in the teams has helped stimulate a powerful bond between me and the men I work with. The sense of brotherhood that comes from that bond has really influenced the way I approach leadership.

Every leader I have worked for has given me the same advice: Take care of your men. That’s why the concept of servant leadership is not a new idea to me. This concept is deeply rooted in the SEAL teams.

As a platoon commander, I am not only responsible for my team’s performance at work; I am also accountable for helping you deal with your personal lives. Being a team is not a part-time job. The whole man goes into combat, not just the one at work.

When you finally make it into the teams, you realize why the character traits we value are crucial to our success. It’s simple: We either live by them, or we might die by not doing so.