8
Skills for Being Real
Acting with Authenticity
The first of the three Total Leadership principles is to be real—to act with authenticity by clarifying what’s important to you and acting accordingly. This is the foundation. Here are suggestions for simple things that you can do to enhance these skills, no matter what your age or life situation.
Skill: Know What Matters
Trust thyself: every heart vibrates to that iron string.
—RALPH WALDO EMERSON
Over the course of their lives, remarkable leaders know what matters most. Julie Foudy demonstrates this skill in spades. You can strengthen your own ability to be real by imagining your ideal future self and analyzing how the four main roles in life intersect. As you try these activities, see what happens to your sense of yourself in all the different parts of your life. See if the activities help you pay closer attention to what really matters.
Exercise: Ideal Self
Identify the important roles you play in each area of your life—for example, a wife at home, a manager at work, a volunteer in the community, an athlete in your private time. Think about the type of person you wish to become in each role. Consider where you want your life to go.
Write down a few details that describe what that person—let’s call her your future self—is doing in each part of her life. Identify the one or two main features of the specific roles that you would like to be playing as a wife (e.g., being caring and helpful to your spouse), as a professional (e.g., being respected by people in your industry), as a PTA member (e.g., being actively involved in your community), and as an athlete (e.g., being able to run five miles). Case Western Reserve University’s Richard Boyatzis and other scholars in organizational behavior argue that imagining your “ideal self”—as opposed to the “ought-to-be self,” the one you think others want you to be—can be a powerful guiding force for change in behavior, perceptions, and attitude.1
If you can find a physical object that somehow represents the image of your future self, place it where you can see it regularly, such as on your desk. (This makes it more prominent in your mind.) Now, on a scale of 1 to 10, assess your level of confidence about how attainable this image is, in light of how you see yourself now. Try to differentiate between the valid evidence available to you and self-defeating thoughts you might have. The latter kind of thinking kills motivation.
To increase your chances of moving toward your ideal self, challenge any self-defeating thoughts. Keep in mind your past accomplishments. Candidly assess what has stopped you from achieving goals, as well as your personal beliefs about your abilities. Consider relevant feedback from others about what you have achieved and what your potential is. This helps increase your sense of hopefulness, which research has shown is critical in imagining and realizing the ideal self.2
Exercise: Four Circles
Analyze all the roles that you now play in each of the four main aspects of your life: work or school, family (however you define that), community (friends, neighbors, religious or social groups), and self (mind, body, spirit). First, take 100 points, and allocate them according to how important each domain is to you now. Then take another 100 points, and allocate them according to the percentage of your attention dedicated to each domain in a typical week. How do the two match up? How closely aligned are the things you value and the things you pay attention to?
Next, think about how each role contributes to your sense of having a meaningful life. How does each role affect how you see yourself? Does one role enhance another? For example, does being a father enrich your role as a community leader, an artist, or a coworker—and vice versa?
Draw four circles representing each of the four domains, where the size of the circle corresponds to the relative importance of that part of your life. Do the circles overlap? In other words, are the values, goals, and interests you pursue in some roles common to others? The overlap among the circles should give you a hint as to how compatible the domains are with one another: the greater the overlap, the more compatible the domains. Compatibility doesn’t mean that you are physically in different roles at the same time or in the same place. Rather, it means you are bringing the same person—with the same values, goals, and interests—to each part of your life.
Consider why your circles overlap, or not, and how this makes you feel. Compatibility among circles indicates harmony. Seeing this image of the four circles may generate fresh insights about what matters most to you—how much you are being real—as well as about how your different roles affect each other.3 Would your circles have more overlap if you included members of your family when you volunteer at the local food bank or when you exercise? How might your circles look if you encouraged people at work to help a local community organization? How easy would it be to make small changes that would lead to greater overlap? Thinking about these questions gets to a main purpose of this exercise: to help you know more about the importance you place on each domain of your life.4
You can also do this exercise online at www.totalleadership.org.
Skill: Embody Values Consistently
A bird doesn’t sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song.
—MAYA ANGELOU
Let’s explore further your ability to be yourself, from a slightly different angle. Bruce Springsteen has had to learn how to embody his values consistently, through trial and error and through frequent, often painful, reflection on the lessons of his experiences. But you don’t need to be Bruce to sing your song wherever you go. Anyone can find ways of living in closer accord with his values. Let me suggest two activities that help you see who you are in your different roles that have proven fruitful. See what happens as you aim to be real by being more of yourself wherever you go. Use Springsteen as a model.
Exercise: Conversation Starter
How do you “show up” in the different parts of your life? One way to find out is to bring an object from your nonwork life (e.g., a family photo, a travel memento, or a trophy) into the workplace and put it in the open where people can see it. When your work colleagues notice, mention what this other part of your life means to you and—this part is important—how it helps you at work. If there’s the chance, talk about how it indirectly helps your colleagues. You might ask them to do something similar.
Then try the reverse: bring something from work, and put it somewhere in your home where your family can see it. Use it as a conversation starter with kids or dinner guests. Tell them about what you do and who you are at work, focusing especially on what this might mean for them.
Reflect on your deviations. Do you act differently in the different parts of your life? Apply your insights. But keep in mind, of course, that no one is always consistent. We all get tempted to do something we consider bad behavior, to feign interest when we don’t care, to fail to stand up for something we believe in. Situational pressures can make us stray from our values. Think of an episode when you didn’t rise to the occasion. What was it exactly that caused you to cave in, to behave in a way that wasn’t like the person you want to be? Imagine small steps you might take to rebuff bad influences or avoid them entirely to stay closer to the person you want to be.
Exercise: Be Your Values Everywhere
Identify one simple action toward a goal that is consistent with the values you’ve thought about. Be sure that the goal is reasonable, and then commit to completing this action every day for thirty days. For example, if your core value is living a healthy lifestyle so that you can be around for your children for a long time to come, then your daily action might be to walk for fifteen minutes per day for thirty days, or ninety minutes per week as part of your work or job routine.
Between knowing and doing there is, of course, a gap. So, once you are committed to your action, inform a trusted friend about your commitment and ask him to help you complete your activity daily. Making goals public increases motivation through social pressure. Write a message to yourself that reminds you about this and the reason you’re doing it. Leave it on a sticky note on the last mirror you see before you leave your home. As you glance in the mirror, read that note.
After completing your attempt at such a goal each day, rate how difficult it was for you to do so, on a scale of 1 to 10. Keep track of your scores, and, after thirty days, look at the trend in your scores. Ask yourself, did it get harder or easier to complete your daily activity? Or did it remain about the same difficulty? What might you do to continue the activity after thirty days? Think of a way to reinforce your commitment. At some point during the thirty days, did you stop having to remind yourself? Habitual action—more than just thinking about it—can change neural pathways, enlisting the muscles of your mind to support the action; it’s tough at first, but once those pathways are formed, you’ve got a new habit.5
Is there another values-driven action that you can add to your routine for another thirty days?
Skill: Align Actions with Values
Let us consider the way in which we spend our lives.
—HENRY DAVID THOREAU
Acting in ways that are consistent with your values, like Michelle Obama and the other five examples in Part I, is one of the most difficult skills to master. It requires committed and sustained effort: the task never ceases. As you undertake the next two activities, look for new insights about how you can take other steps—actions that are under your control now—to better fit what you do with what you care about most.
Exercise: Find the Larger Meaning
Spend a few moments thinking expansively about how a task you already do, or a responsibility you now have, contributes to the well-being of others, either directly or indirectly. Jot down your ideas; start a list that you can add to at any time. You might invite others to help you. Here are examples: identify how a work task helps better serve clients, or explore how a chore at home helps your family function. In some cases, your actions do serve a meaningful purpose, but you fail to recognize it. As another example, sometimes health care workers, researchers, and even trash collectors fail to keep in mind that their work is, in and of itself, a community service. In a nonwork example, consider how taking a few minutes at night to put away the dishes or prepare healthy lunches for the next day might enable your spouse to get more rest and give you more quality time with your kids in the morning, making family life a bit lighter and brighter.
Reflecting on the meaning of what you do helps you better appreciate the ways your actions are evidence of living your values. You’ll probably come up with fresh ideas about how you can do so even more, now and in the future, by developing new, highly motivating goals that are what psychologists call “self-concordant”—that is, goals that you consider important, fun, and in accord with your core values.6 Research has found that when we can identify how even mundane tasks hold meaning, we can put more effort into them, thus achieving our goals more quickly and feeling a greater sense of well-being. It is satisfying and energizing to act in ways that reflect core values.
You’ll become more aware of how some of your daily activities are not aligned with your core values, and this awareness may help you see how to reduce or even eliminate them. To take this idea a step further, think about one thing that you could and should stop doing. What would be difficult in attempting this? What would be easy?
Exercise: Want to Want To
Here’s something you might try the next time you are in a conversation with a close colleague, friend, or loved one and you sense that something is holding her back from doing something that she really wants to do. Let’s say your friend tells you she doesn’t want to run daily because it is just too strenuous and boring, but to become healthier she genuinely wants to want to run daily. Ask her to rate on a scale of 1 to 10 how much she wants to run, where, for example, 1 means “I really don’t want to run,” and 10 means “There’s nothing I’d rather do than run.” Then begin mining (asking increasingly deeper questions), but persist with care: ask her what she would need to focus on in order to increase her desire to run. Perhaps she could not only improve her fitness but also bring better energy to her family and display more self-confidence at work.
You’re coaching now, so ask your “client” what she can do to boost her motivation. This might involve thinking differently, seeing that running might reduce her blood pressure so that she can live longer, reduce medications, and feel energetic throughout the day, with all the benefits that might obtain. And she would serve as a better role model for her kids. Continue this line of questioning; be gently relentless in your curiosity about benefits that might motivate her, even as she might resist (“Don’t you get it? It’s because I’m just too busy!”). Try to get your client as close as possible to a 10 rating on our “want to want to” scale.
All right, what does this have to do with your aligning your values and actions? Well, now comes the hard part: switch roles, and have your partner lead you through this same kind of inquiry with something that you do not really want to do but that you want to want to do. This exercise pushes you to grapple with the oh-so-simple-to-imagine-but-hard-to-execute shifting of your awareness. It is possible to reframe, to see how what we do connects with what we care about. The philosopher William James argued that will is the ability to direct and sustain attention, and that action results from an idea that is held stable in the mind. To act in better alignment with our values, we need to master the ability to sustain focus on those values. This exercise creates a greater sense of authority and internal ownership of the goals you are pursuing. It engenders what psychologists call a “state of flow” by feeding the desire to change behaviors in ways that allow you to live your values.7
Skill: Convey Values with Stories
It is the storyteller who makes us what we are, who creates history.
—CHINUA ACHEBE
Storytelling is a craft that you can learn, and management literature since the early 1980s has elevated it to an essential part of any leader’s repertoire. Our six leaders are all storytellers. You saw in chapter 2 how Sheryl Sandberg’s ability to be a mensch is in no small part due to her ability to connect with an audience through her stories. To strengthen your ability to convey the real stories of your life, start to think through how you can use your actual history to inspire and bring others closer to you.
Exercise: Autobiography
Identify some of the significant events in your life, from birth to today, that have shaped the person you are. List three or four episodes that taught you something about yourself. Briefly describe in writing each event, and explain how it changed or clarified what you value most. Social scientists call such events “crucible experiences” and see them as part of a leader’s “emotional journey line.” These episodes provide us with insights about how we adapt in the face of adversity.8 If possible, identify the tension in each experience, and describe how you dealt with it. It is this tension that, if we can reframe it and resolve it, leads to resilience.
Now connect the dots: How do these episodes shape your beliefs? These connections are the cornerstones of the stories you can tell about your life. Stones built on this foundation convey your own authenticity. Honestly articulating these connections allows others to understand the person you are and what you stand for, and it generates trust and even fondness in an audience.9
Once you’ve gotten the essence of your story, find a colleague at work, and, in a comfortable setting, tell it to him (best without notes).Or, if it’s easier, start with a close friend or family member, and then take your show on the road.
You might try telling a version of your story to your own child or another child you know—niece, godson, neighbor. Make sure the story has an implicit point that the child can understand, while trying to avoid sermonizing. Tell your story in a way that is exciting: bring it alive with vivid sensory detail (sights, sounds, smells). Try to include a description of a struggle between dream and reality—what you or someone else wanted that was somehow thwarted—and what ultimately came to pass. Such a practice is not only utilitarian (helping you refine your own art of storytelling) but also generous. Children love to hear stories, and they are a receptive audience. But there’s one more step that makes your bedtime story not only an avuncular act but also an act of leadership: study the reaction of your audience, and then think through what you might have done differently to make the story more vividly useful. This part of the exercise will turn you from a rote reciter into a real raconteur.
Exercise: Social Media Review
If you use Facebook, Twitter, or other social media to share your experiences with friends, family, or coworkers, take a few minutes to review the posts you’ve recently shared. What events or themes stand out? Are you posting in a way that’s consistent with your values? What are you leaving out? And which posts get the most comments or retweets? This activity will help you reflect on the stories you have shared with others and what they say about you. First, it increases your awareness of how—and how much—you reveal yourself. But it also provides a chance, again, to improve your act. These narratives are more important than they might seem, even in the off-the-cuff world of social media. Our personal narratives lead to our own sense of ourselves as well as our beliefs about others and the world.
Consider asking a friend or trusted colleague to review your posts and give you feedback. If you’re not active with online social media, you might glean useful insight about your own stories by asking yourself these same questions about other people’s posts.
Skill: Envision Your Legacy
Some of us have great runways already built for us. If you have one, take off!
But if you don’t have one, realize it is your responsibility to grab a shovel and build one for yourself and for those who will follow after you.
—AMELIA EARHART
To envision your legacy means to think about what might be said in retrospect about your life. It is to flesh out an idea of the impact you’ll have on the world—as Tom Tierney did when he first imagined his “Make a Difference Company”—and to consider whether choices you must make will take you closer or further from your desired future.
Exercise: Time Travel
Take fifteen minutes this week to remove yourself from your everyday hustle and bustle and imagine the life you’d like to lead. Find a quiet spot. Take a few easy, deep breaths to clear your mind, and then let it wander and see where it takes you, while guiding yourself to dream where your life will go. Consider all the different parts of your life. You might try thinking about your life at some specific time, far into the future, say fifteen years. You have worked hard and succeeded at accomplishing your life goals and have realized your dreams. You are living the life you want to live. Picture what happens in a typical day. You wake up: Whom are you with? What do you do throughout the day? What impact are you having?
Be like Tierney, and take a few minutes to write about what you imagine as your legacy as concretely and in as much detail as possible. How would you like to be remembered by your descendants? What would you like colleagues to say at your retirement dinner? If the words don’t flow, draw a picture, make a sculpture, or maybe even produce a video. Studies have shown that if you can visualize yourself successfully achieving your long-term goals, producing the legacy you want to leave, you are more likely to succeed. When everyday actions are seen as part of something significant, you improve your ability to plan, reduce impulsivity, and increase perseverance. Also, you reduce anxiety about the future.10
Exercise: Near/Far
Think of a decision between two options that you need to make now or very soon. (It’s best to do this after you’ve done the preceding exercise.) It could be about your work or career (e.g., going back to school versus staying in the workforce) or about some other part of your life (e.g., whether or not to marry someone you’re dating). Now, for one of the options, create two columns, one labeled “near” and the other labeled “far.” In the “near” column, write down how that option will bring you nearer to the life that you envision for yourself. In the “far” column, write down how making that choice will take you further from your dreams. Your alternative option will usually be the flip of your first, but if you think it might be slightly different, complete a second near/far chart for the alternative. The chart with more items in the “near” column is the choice you should probably take, right? This simple exercise is richer than a pro/con list, because it can help you understand better how current decisions lead you on the path toward the life you desire—how, in other words, to be more real.
Skill: Hold Yourself Accountable
He that is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else.
—BENJAMIN FRANKLIN
To be accountable means having the strength to act according to the values you hold dear. Although all of our models do this, each in his or her own way, it’s hard to think of a better modern example of someone holding himself accountable than Eric Greitens. Here are two activities that can help you discover how to bolster your ability to be real by demonstrating—to others and, most of all, to yourself—what you believe in.
Exercise: Buddy System
Greitens found the motivation to get through the drills at OCS after he was compelled to take responsibility for helping one of his classmates. Having a partner can make a big difference when you’re struggling to do the right thing, especially when the challenge is fraught with obstacles. If you’re having difficulty holding yourself accountable for achieving an important goal, try to find someone in a similar predicament—a buddy. Then hold each other accountable. Research shows that when you make a public commitment to a goal, you’re more likely to follow through with your intentions than if you don’t tell anyone.11
The goal should be specific, measurable, and moderately challenging. It should be aligned with your core values. And it should be your choice. Psychologists have shown that individuals who set their own goals are more likely to direct their efforts toward activities that help realize the goal (and away from activities that don’t). They also persist more.12 Such an activity should stretch you somewhat, but it should be achievable in the face of life’s daily demands. Examples include writing a plan for a new business you’d like to launch, embarking on an exercise program, or increasing the number of evenings you attend community events.
Share your goal and its intentions with your buddy, and ask her to do the same, setting a rough timeline. Based on what you discover from this exchange, commit to taking one specific and realistic action toward your goal—even if it seems very small or perhaps trivial—and communicate that action to people you trust. Evidence indicates that it’s important to act once you make a commitment to a goal; this creates self-reinforcing positive emotions (hope, pride, joy), building your confidence about taking further action that’s in line with your values.13 Check in with your partner regularly, even if very briefly or virtually, to (a) share your thoughts about your progress and (b) ask for feedback about how to adjust to ensure further progress.
You can experiment with the addition of a carrot or a stick to augment your motivation: set up a reward (e.g., give yourself a fifteen-minute chair massage at your gym) or a punishment (e. g., donate to a cause that holds political views antagonistic to your own) associated with taking your intended action. Authorize your buddy to mete out the punishment or make the award.
Exercise: Tune-up and Realignment
We usually remember to take our cars in for maintenance, but we forget to do the same for ourselves. Use your car tune-ups as a reminder cue. Every time you take your car in for maintenance, set aside thirty minutes on that same day for a reflection and planning date with yourself. Look under the hood, kick the tires, listen to the engine, and identify the one or two adjustments you need to make to better align what you do with what you believe is most important as you—taking the analogy a bit further—travel down the road of life. The key question: What are you not doing that you could be doing to express what’s important to you? It could be something simple, such as spending time with friends, reading, or literally stopping to smell the flowers.
If you don’t have a car, then use some other marker—such as your birthday, the day you get your hair cut, payday (perhaps to remind yourself that you’re about more than just a paycheck), or waiting in line at the grocery store—to make time to clear your mind and focus on this simple question: What am I not doing that I should be doing? Consider isolating yourself for some or all of that time; try being alone, with no online connectivity. Think of this as an investment in your personal research and development, from which you can expect to reap long-term rewards.