5 Managing dual-career dilemmas

There are many arguments in favour of dual-career families. In most cases, two incomes enable partners to provide at least the basic comforts and modest pleasures of modern life. When both partners work, each is able to keep up with his or her career path, stay marketable and competitive, and contribute to post-retirement financial security. Additionally, the knowledge that one partner is securely employed gives the other partner the opportunity to resign, if necessary, and seek a better position elsewhere.

However, there are also drawbacks: one member of the couple may have to move their career interests down a gear in favour of the other’s. Time and energy demands can also distract dual-career couples from their personal priorities: their relationship, their children, and their interests.

Step one: Get your priorities straight

Fortunately, employers are increasingly recognising the need to implement policies that promote flexibility and tolerance for balancing personal needs with work. As an example, many companies are offering flexitime and teleworking, and day-care programmes for children, among other initiatives to help working parents to balance their jobs with their family life. But, as a dual-career couple, you and your partner must still be the ones to make the choices and decisions that best reflect the values and priorities that you’ve agreed on as a couple.

Only you and your partner can prioritise the elements of your life together according to your values. But the following points are key questions to ask yourselves as you manage your dual career:

Is each partner’s career a primary career?

How do family needs and career requirements conflict with each other?

How do family needs and career requirements enhance each other?

In the case of conflicting opportunities, how will the decisions be made equitably so that, in the long run, both partners will be able to look back with satisfaction?

How can you make sure the long-term financial interests of the non-primary career partner are protected?

Step two: Agree whether there will be a primary career and a secondary career

If you aren’t both going to put your careers first, make sure you both recognise this fact and are happy with this solution. Do be honest—simmering resentment won’t help anyone. With this understanding, you know who will be responsible for taking care of a sick child, while the other one attends an important meeting.

If both careers are primary, it’s important to understand that as well. Agreeing how your careers fit on the priority list will reduce the potential for major disagreements that could strain your relationship.

Step three: Manage your relationship

It is possible to balance the career that you desire with a healthy relationship—but only if you manage each carefully. Have a clear idea in advance about what you want and agree this with your partner so you can make your choices consistent with your long-term mission. You’ll know later whether you achieved that mission.

Work–life balance experts say that you probably won’t be able to have this all at once, but, if you work together with your partner, you stand a better chance. How much you truly have all at once depends on your willingness to make trade-offs.

Divorces among dual-career couples may be more common than among single-career couples—but you don’t have to sacrifice your marriage for your career. Communication, trust, flexibility, and creativity are important for every partnership and they’re especially important for dual-career couples.

If you hit a rough patch, take a businesslike approach to solving the problem. Living a rough and uninspiring life doesn’t necessarily mean you’re falling out of love—just as a failed product launch doesn’t mean necessarily that your organisation is doomed. It could merely mean that you need to alter the management of certain parts of your life.

Approach your dual career as you would a complex business

Understand there are various ‘departments’ in your private life, and manage them effectively. This isn’t to suggest that you shouldn’t manage them with love and devotion. But budgeting and compartmentalising certain aspects of your life and time could help you to distribute your resources (time, money, attention) in the most effective way.

Consider your personal partner to be your business partner as well

Just as a company defines long-term objectives and has a mission, work with your partner to determine what your relationship’s ‘mission’ and long-term objectives are. Using long-term missions and objectives as reference points will help the two of you to make difficult decisions when an opportunity for one partner involves a sacrifice for the other.

Communicate

You can only expect your partner to serve your needs and your priorities if he or she knows what they are.

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Make dates and also make appointments with your partner. Appointments are for managing the business of your lives together; dates are for romance!

Step four: Take advantage of technology

Many dual-career homes have at least one computer. Install business-management software that can also automate certain aspects of the business of your life. There are calendar, organisation, and accounting software packages available to give the average consumer the management advantages enjoyed by big business. You can even keep your shopping list on the family computer.

It’s not easy to make the transition from depending on a diary and Post-It^™ notes to organising your life with a computerised device such as a BlackBerry^®, but it is worth it.

Plan the time it will take to learn the new technology and transfer your information. Only allow a month during which you use a dual system; then throw the paper diary away.

New technology can be intimidating, but don’t give up. You will soon find your new system as convenient as any other you may have used in the past, if not more so.

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Companies outsource services that are necessary but beyond their internal capability. Why not try this at home if you need to? The services available to you can range from chores such as housekeeping and cooking to support services such as bookkeeping, financial planning, and even marriage counselling.

Step five: Use your business skills training to help you manage your work–life balance

One skill that could serve you well into the future is negotiation. When the two of you take the same course, you’ll then negotiate with each other according to the same rules and a shared understanding of ultimate goals.

Recruit your children

There is no reason why dual-career couples with children should shoulder the burden of all the little tasks of living. Give your children age-appropriate responsibilities. Make them partners in your family’s future as well as the beneficiaries of your hard work.

Step six: Take care of yourself

You’re also the CEO of your own life. Remember to include your own needs in the larger balance of family, work, and partnership obligations. You’re no good to anyone if you aren’t good to yourself.

Common mistakes

You find that you are ‘ships that pass in the night’

It’s so easy to get absorbed with the daily details of living and working that you forget to appreciate the life you’ve built together. Set aside time together that is exclusively for enjoying each other’s company. Remember how much you like being together, regardless of what else is going on in your lives.

You lose control of the small details of life

Keeping track of minor details could seem too trivial to prioritise. However, those details could mean the difference between whether or not you have an argument over an empty petrol tank or milk carton— or a forgotten child still waiting to be picked up at an empty school. Keep ‘To-do’ and ‘To Buy’ lists at a central location where everyone can keep them up to date. Make sure everyone knows whose responsibility it is to complete those ‘To-do’ tasks.

You feel as though you’re carrying the whole load, both at work and at home

Be sure you continue to communicate with your partner on both daily needs and long-term career goals. If you find that one of you always ends up giving up on personal goals and dreams in favour of the other’s, check with your partner to make sure that this trend is acceptable to both of you.

STEPS TO SUCCESS

Prioritise together—understand your values as a couple so that choices and decisions reflect what is most important to both of you.

Remember that your relationship needs to be worked at as much as your career.

Make firm decisions as to whether one career will be primary, and which, and agree to make allowances for this.

Take advantage of technology and don’t be afraid to delegate responsibility—either within the family or by getting some external help.

Make time for yourself, and communicate freely and openly.