CHAPTER THREE
STEP 3:
UNDERSTAND MISUNDERSTANDINGS
THE PROBLEM WITH DIGITAL FEEDBACK
Whether we are giving feedback or receiving feedback, it is hard. You personally know this, but my research backs it up. We will discuss why it is difficult to give and receive feedback, but interestingly enough, it is harder to do through email than it is in person—10 times harder to be exact. We perceive feedback as 90 percent negative when it comes to us digitally. This perception causes anxiety, and it is difficult to act on.
Dr. Clifford Nass, author of The Man Who Lied to His Laptop, has found that negative feedback consumes more of our intellectual energy than positive feedback. Our brains think about negative feedback more than they do about positive feedback. It’s logical to then conclude digital feedback can take people off task. When we receive a text, an email, or a direct message (DM) about something positive regarding our work, we smile and move on. But when we receive an email or text that we don’t understand, we perceive it as negative. We think about it, we think about it more, we dwell on it, and then we react negatively, completely forgetting the positive messages that we have received.
Without feedback, we aren’t the best we can be. To see feedback for what it is—a tool to help us get better—it’s important to be aware of the fact that our brains have been conditioned to see digital feedback as negative, and we must actively work to recondition our brains to recognize patterns in digital feedback.
But why do we see digital feedback as negative feedback? The answer has to do with the different hemispheres of our brains. Negative information generally involves additional thinking, and according to Dr. Nass, it is often processed much more thoroughly than positive thoughts.1 When we see, read, or experience negative feedback, we tend to think more about that feedback than any positive feedback. Mr. Ríos, the CEO of Happyforce, a software communications company, brought this into focus on his blog. He wrote that when using his software, one of his clients only saw the small percentage of positive feedback on leadership because her brain was trying to process the negative feedback. We all do this. As Mr. Ríos explains, “Our brains respond to negative digital feedback like it’s a death threat.”2
It isn’t public speaking or even death we fear most—it is getting feedback, especially when received digitally. We naturally want to protect ourselves from negativity. We want to see the feedback on our projects and the emails that come our way as positive, but instead we see only the small percentage of negative feedback—and we obsess over it. One Millennial in our research shared how she obsessed over negative feedback so much that she almost lost her new job.
After a rather rocky start with her boss, Jennifer felt that all communication with her boss was negative. She was consumed by what she perceived as negative feedback. She would constantly go back to her phone and reread not only the feedback but the entire conversation thread. She found herself reading into every word, and she even looked at the time the messages were sent and how long her boss took to respond to her.
As Dr. Nass found, we obsess over negative feedback. Digital just makes it easier to misunderstand or assume.
THE FEEDBACK WASTELAND
Employees crave feedback. But feedback and tools for providing feedback have become a garbage heap of trial and error. Employees want feedback but see the digital feedback they get from their managers as negative. This requires the manager to clarify things, which takes the manager off task and takes even more time. Then the employees get stressed and disengage.
I asked one of the members of our research group, Tony, if he had ever seen the downside of using digital communication as a feedback tool. “Oh yes,” he said. He continued:
If I could figure out how to actually go and see everyone I need to give feedback to in person, my productivity would be off the charts. Instead, no matter what I do to give constructive feedback digitally, it often goes offside, and I have to spend my time helping them understand what I meant.
And Tony’s company requires him to give his team members feedback on their performance every quarter.
Performance management has shifted. In the past, corporations gave performance feedback once a year. Writing in Harvard Business Review, Peter Cappelli and Anna Tavis explain that today, “employers are also finally acknowledging that both supervisors and subordinates despise the appraisal process.”3
Compounding this problem is that less than 10 percent of corporations understand how to deal with the challenge that is digital performance management. According to a Harvard Business Review article by Christine Porath, high-performing teams share nearly six times more positive feedback than average teams. Meanwhile, low-performing teams share nearly twice as much negative feedback as average teams.4
Jose, a seasoned Gen X leader at a Fortune Top 10 company, knows these facts and is frustrated by the migration to digital feedback. When I called and asked him if his feedback process works digitally, he said, “It doesn’t. Someone always misunderstands me, and then it just goes south. If you can give me a solution, I would appreciate it.” I taught Jose a generational feedback loop to help him, and the results speak for themselves. Not only did Jose sharpen his own digital feedback skills, he used the generational feedback loop with his team.
The importance of feedback for a leader’s development can never be underestimated, as the following quote from my research highlights:
Feedback is a very important step for a leader to be able to improve and keep evolving. As a leader, getting negative feedback would allow you to think about the current situation and keep changing in the right way to be able to adapt to others and improve operations. Feedback should be able to come from either the team you lead or your managers. From what I have been able to see, if leaders fear negative feedback they will not be able to overcome the difficulties, and it will become a daily challenge. Getting feedback allows you to keep a sane relationship with your peers and working out negative ones give you the opportunity to get better. Communication is the key, so leaders should always be able to give and receive feedback.
USE A DIGITAL FEEDBACK LOOP
A feedback loop is designed to change a behavior. It gives you information or data in real time (for example, about your performance or health). Once you get the data, you have the opportunity to improve your performance or behavior. Technology, offices, and software use a feedback loop, and you may even use one when you are running on a treadmill. On a treadmill, you can wear a heart monitor that indicates your heart rate, and the readout on the treadmill shows your speed. You use these feedback metrics to improve your performance, and that feedback changes your behavior.
When we give feedback in person, as in my Jose example, we choose where we are going to give the feedback and how we are going to give it, considering our tone of voice and our body language (for example, arms folded or arms on our desk). Then we wait to see how the person responds to this feedback. We take in their verbal and physical signals, and we either continue along or shift gears. But how do we do this digitally? We use technology for what it is—a mirror of our preferences. For example, Gen Zers like Snapchat because the messages sent disappear. Gen Xers like email because they can see a trail of productivity. Both are examples of digital body language.
DIGITAL BODY LANGUAGE
Your digital body language is probably something you don’t think about often, if ever, yet it is the biggest trigger for digital feedback. Part of your digital body language is the technology you choose to give digital feedback. It’s not what you say but how you say it. It either engages people or enrages them, similar to how people react to body language in person.
When I was explaining the concept of digital body language in New York City, a brash and intelligent 20-something stood up and, as only a true New Yorker could, yelled out, “Great! Now, could you please teach my boss phone etiquette?” Somewhat surprised, given I was speaking to a group of professional service workers, I asked for more details. The young professional explained, “He doesn’t know how to use a phone. He leaves me voicemails!” Gen Xers and Boomers (and I) burst out laughing, as did the 20-something, but the crux of the problem was real. This employee felt that his boss was nagging him and giving him negative feedback because his boss used voicemail when, in fact, his boss was on the road all the time and thought leaving a voicemail was a quicker and more efficient way of communicating.
Every day, we experience digital body language—yet we just don’t know how to categorize it. So I’d like to do that now. Digital body language includes the technology you choose to deliver the message, the words you choose, the order of your words, the rhythm of your writing, and the pace. For example, when I give my daughter feedback on a paper she is writing for school, she uses primarily one-word texts to respond to me. When my editor gives me feedback, I tend to respond in an email with abbreviated sentences of up to 10 words. When my mom gives me feedback on my writing, she calls me. Then, after leaving a voicemail, she sends me an email that includes full sentences, never uses abbreviations, and is always grammatically correct, just as in her not-so-frequent texts. (She is a great editor, btw.) Like the women in my family, each of us has our own unique digital body language, and if we can understand this language better, we can begin to defeat the barrier of digital feedback.
Before we dive into the specifics of each generation, take a look at Figure 3.1 for a general overview of each generation’s predisposition for digital body language, based on its anchoring benchmarks for feedback and productivity.
FIGURE 3.1: Generational Anchoring Benchmarks: Digital Body Language
GENERATIONAL ANCHORING BENCHMARKS: DIGITAL BODY LANGUAGE
Digital body language is the message you communicate digitally, but not through your words. Just as our physical body language is nonverbal, such as a head nod in agreement or an eye roll, digital body language is nonverbal, and it is based on each individual’s personal interpretations and experiences.
Let’s see how digital body language plays out across each generation so we can make sure the messages we send are the messages received.
Ben the Boomer
When Ben was in school, the technology he worked with was pen and paper, along with a typewriter and a calculator. His learning devices and environment were loud. He heard teachers give feedback and was in a classroom where discussion, debate, and questions and answers filled the air. It was the sound of productivity. As Ben got older, when he walked into the typing pool (a group of secretaries who worked together in a big room typing corporate communications), he heard the sound of productivity that said the business was succeeding. When Boomers worked in teams, they worked by themselves in an office, and they had personal space. But they also wandered and managed. My uncle Jim calls this the walk-and-talk management system. You could walk into someone’s office, because everyone had an office, and chat. Boomers’ walk-and-talk management style was brought to light in the TV show Madmen. It highlighted the fun they had talking, chatting, and entertaining.
What interrupted their way of communicating feedback was the arrival of the personal computer in the office. It led to loss of dialogue. Having dialogue is important to a Boomer; when Ben wants to connect with his team, he wants to use an auditory technology. He likes face-to-face time, and if you have a Boomer on your team, try to get it. Boomers are a wealth of information, but you should plan to spend more than five minutes when learning with them. This dignity in conversation is necessary when giving feedback to, or accepting it from, a Boomer.
Boomer Digital Body Language
Boomers are dignified in their responses and use of digital mes-saging:
• The goal of their digital body language is to influence.
• They view themselves as big thinkers who build social enterprise, which defines their value to the team as the repository of cultural capital.
• Boomers are feedback disrupters. When thinking through a problem they have received through feedback, Boomers may argue about things that have nothing to do with the topic at hand. This allows them more time to process.
Boomer Giving and Accepting Feedback Triggers
• Detailed: Boomers like Ben expect detail. Remember, they give and expect respect in conversation. They can be casual but prefer formality in a feedback situation.
• Flexible: Boomers can deal with any situation if they can read the room or see the team’s body language. My friend Beverley sits on a number of boards, and she constantly shares the value of going to “meet the people who work in the corporation.” She says it is the only way you can really learn about a corporation.
• Give and take: When they receive feedback, they like it to be respectfully direct. They appreciate being asked detailed questions and anticipate, and look forward to, being pressed for answers.
Language to Avoid When You Give and Accept Feedback to and from a Boomer
• With Ben and his Boomer colleagues, don’t use opportunist language. It doesn’t work—it only angers. Focusing only on your needs, without identifying how the feedback will help the project or will benefit the person you’re communicating with, will fall on deaf ears.
• When accepting feedback, read through all the information. Perhaps even make a few notes and then do further research. Have a plan. Don’t respond quickly to Boomers or they will believe you haven’t “thought it through.”
FIGURE 3.2: Suggested Boomer Feedback Loop
Sample Email for Giving Feedback (Can Be Adapted for a Call)
Dear Ben,
I appreciate the work you did on project X. Your knowledge enables us to deliver a quality product on time, and I appreciate your work with the younger team members.
When you have time, I would like to discuss how you are speaking to some members of the team. It’s important for the entire team to hear digitally, enabling us to continue to reach our goals for this quarter.
Would it be an imposition if my assistant booked a time for us on Thursday?
Sincerely,
M
Sample Email for Accepting Feedback (Can Be Adapted for a Call)
Dear Ben,
I appreciate your thoughtful response to how I led the discussion this morning at the team meeting. Your words caused me to rethink my approach. I agree. I may have seemed too casual about a very serious issue. That was not my intention.
I prefer to use humor when addressing the group, and I have found it useful in defusing tension. Team members have told me they appreciate the “dial-it-down” approach when they are stressed, but I can see now that not everyone appreciates this approach. Thank you for bringing this to my attention, and I will work on the tone of my meeting updates.
Sincerely,
M
ADAM THE GEN XER
When Adam was in school, teaching changed, as did the focus on language. Teachers had to go through a more formal process to become educators. They were taught how to use new technologies, classroom management tools, and teaching tools, including flash cards. While in the classroom, students would go to the front or back of the class where a big box containing work cards was located. Students pulled out a card and worked on it while the teacher worked with other groups. Gen Xers worked alone, but together, in the classroom.
Bookmobiles brought books to children, offering a greater variety of books. The Scholastic book sales flyer became a staple in school. Books became the classroom. If your family had money, you got a book—if your family didn’t, no books. With one flyer, the haves and have-nots became clearly displayed. Books were still the currency in the classroom, but computers were introduced, and the curious Gen Xers began to explore them at around age 12. Computers, which were a solitary activity without an Internet connection, and the classroom, which encouraged solitary activity yet working together, both framed Gen Xers’ digital body language. Computers and TV shaped Gen Xers as the digital sound bite generation, meaning short, blunt, and direct messages. At work, they grew up with personality assessments, including the 360 report and the Myers–Briggs Type Indicator, as feedback tools.
Gen Xer Digital Body Language
Gen X is the “get-down-to-business” generation, and they have a wicked sense of humor:
• Gen Xers view themselves as the workhorses of the organization who will always get the job done. They are the largest cohort today that understands organizational behavior pre-smartphone and post-smartphone, making them the repository of intellectual capital in your workforce.
• They can often be very frank, and they always support their case with facts, occasionally with a visual.
• As holders of your organization’s intellectual capital, Gen Xers understand the value of your business and its people, both internally and externally, and how these relationships work with customers.
• The goal of their digital body language is to influence the outcome of work—to solve problems and get stuff done.
• Gen Xers are your feedback bottlenecks. When they stress over feedback, they respond by accepting almost any job from any team member, or from elsewhere in the organization, or by assigning themselves unnecessary tasks (for example, unnecessarily redoing a PowerPoint that didn’t look right or re-creating their to-do list on a whiteboard). This slows the team and the project down.
Gen Xer Giving and Accepting Feedback Triggers
• Macro view: Gen Xers want to know the plan, and they can fill in the details. When you give them feedback, think of them as you would a general in the army: here is the goal, here’s your team, and this is when we need it done.
• Clarity: When giving or accepting feedback from Gen Xers, they will relate the feedback back to their 360-review format, career goals, or quarterly sales goals. With Gen X, it’s always goals and vision. For example, in an online discussion regarding goals, one participant brought this to life when describing feedback preferences: “All I want is tactics for achieving goals, focus strategies, and improved listening and communication skills, all of which give me building blocks to beneficial change.”
• Direction: When Gen Xers digitally receive feedback, they skim what they are reading. They want to know that they have achieved the goal, and if they haven’t, they begin to think about how they can turn it around. Give them direction to help them succeed.
Language to Avoid When You Give and Accept Feedback to and from a Gen Xer
When giving feedback, be straightforward. Avoid buzzwords such as “socialize.” They get too caught up on what “socialize” really means. So instead, just use “share.”
When accepting feedback from Gen Xers, be prepared for a workaholic attitude. They expect the job done on time, every time. Gen Xers will talk about timelines, materials, and the end goal. They will not tell you how to do something—they assume you know how. When responding to feedback from Gen Xers, keep it as short as possible. Ask the questions you need to ask and make sure they relate to project goals, not yourself (for example, don’t say, “I can’t work late” or “I don’t have time to do this”). Instead, relate your statements back to the project or ask them to help you prioritize your time.
Sample Email for Giving Feedback
Hi Adam,
I wanted to share an update with you on your progress as the new client manager.
As you can see, you are off to a great start, and the key indicators are:
FIGURE 3.3: Suggested Gen Xer Feedback Loop
• We now have 100% client participation. Remember, I still need the report for this survey.
• Your presentation today went well. However, you need to engage the clients more with their data. For example, ask them questions before you give them an answer.
I’ve been receiving thoughtful feedback from your team on your presentation and look forward to speaking with you about this more.
Please choose a date from the options on my calendar link below. We will need 30 minutes, and I want this completed by next Friday [insert date].
Have a great weekend,
M
Sample Email for Responding to Feedback
Hi Adam,
I appreciate your thoughts on my performance today. I think this is something we need to discuss. Let’s book time on the calendar—see link below. To enable this to be a solid learning for both of us, please ensure we meet before next Friday.
Thanks,
Mary
Trish the Millennial
At the time Trish and other Millennials began school, a lot of social change was taking place. Divorce was becoming more common, more mothers were working full time, and teaching protocols were changing from grade shaming to positive affirmation. This trend also included viewing education as a business, which meant education was looking at efficiencies in teaching. Grouping desks together and working on team projects became the norm. Books and flash cards were eventually replaced with the Internet and online games.
Millennials were the first generation to have a TV and a computer in the family room, enabling them to easily begin multitasking with technology. This latchkey generation lived in a constant feedback loop. Their parents—because both were working or one was living in another household—spoke with them on the phone more, and eventually through other communication technology. This built a much stronger bond, as frequent feedback does. Parenting trends of the time reflected teaching trends: parents didn’t criticize, and they worked to ensure their kids were confident in their abilities. Feedback was framed as a suggestion, not a declarative statement.
Millennial Digital Body Language
Millennials are the great charmers of any workforce, and their confidence can often be infectious:
• In terms of digital body language, Millennials are very appealing in their response and their digital messaging. This makes them the repository of communication capital. They understand how to use digital body language to motivate.
• The goal of their digital body language is to influence the group. They are motivated by group brainstorming, ideas, and action.
• They view themselves as the Picassos of an organization. They work through design, and creativity rules their digital body language.
• Millennials are the feedback fidgets. When unclear on feedback, they go to social media. They will mute a conference call to work on other projects or flip through their messages while you speak with them. They fidget, look at their phone, and tend to avoid eye contact.
Millennial Giving and Accepting Feedback Triggers
• How: Provide detailed instructions. This is the generation that worked in groups, and that means everything must be clear and defined, enabling each member to get his or her job done.
• Use logic: This generation doesn’t accept feedback if they don’t see the reason for the task. They will question it. To avoid this back and forth, outline the logic quickly and then provide the supporting data.
Language to Avoid When You Give and Accept Feedback to and from a Millennial
• Narrow in scope: Don’t use language that may be considered “off-humor.” According to the Pew Research Center, “Millennials have brought more racial and ethnic diversity to American society, they appreciate all members of the team, and expect equality for all.”5
• Avoid too much detail: This generation multitasks and flicks through emails. If possible, create an overview (for example, a “project overview”) and insert a link to this overview in your email. Then give them direction about next steps.
FIGURE 3.4: Suggested Millennial Feedback Loop
Example of Giving Feedback (Given in Collaboration Platform Teams)
Trish, thanks for the report. I’ll connect with Don. Let’s get it drafted this week. We will need to do more research. Please be the lead on this, socialize it, and then you and I should chat on Tuesday. Does 9 a.m. work? If not, please book another time on Tuesday.
Thanks, 
Example of Accepting Feedback (Sent as a Text)
Trish, I appreciate the feedback. Let’s have a call today to discuss your ideas. Does 4:30 work? If not, good tomorrow morning.
Tyler the Gen Zer
Tyler entered a school that was already digital. Homework and other assignments were posted on technology like Google Classroom. Children were familiar with social media and used it to learn from each other. Desk groupings were not only the norm in the classroom, they became virtual groupings through Facebook chat groups. Online, students played with toys that were connected to the web, including the short-lived trend of Webkins, little toys that had a code and stayed alive based on how often students connected to the Internet. Gen Zers understand that technology makes them visible.
More than any other generation since the Greatest Generation (pre-Boomers), clearly defined rules and policies, as well as clear feedback, help Gen Zers succeed. They are also visual, and they have become accustomed to using emojis and texting with their parents and grandparents. To Gen Zers, Facebook and Twitter are old-fashioned. Their feedback tools are short, quick videos or a FaceTime video chat. They like to see the person who is delivering feedback to them.
Other than the increased use of technology, parenting trends and teaching trends changed only slightly to accommodate the stress and pressure of the recession and the changing morals of the United States. However, parents stopped framing feedback as a question and started to go back to the declarative style, as did teachers. When students are looking at multiple screens, long answers don’t sink in; therefore, feedback is best when it is short, to the point, and followed up with a video call or a phone call.
Gen Zer Digital Body Language
Gen Z is the logical, inventive, and capable generation. Gen Zers take comfort in security and rules:
• In terms of digital body language, Gen Zers are clipped communicators. They are direct and to the point.
• Gen Zers are the repository of your digital capital. They know how to organize and drive digitally.
• The goal of their digital body language is to succeed and then accomplish change.
• They view themselves as change makers, like the people whose tools they have been using their entire lives (for example, Steve Jobs and Mark Zuckerberg).
• Gen Zers are feedback fixated. You can tell Gen Zers are not receiving the feedback and accolades they need when they demand a lot of time and attention. This generation needs daily feedback on their performance.
Gen Zer Giving and Accepting Feedback Triggers
• Be consistent: Most Gen Zers don’t adapt well to sudden change. Therefore, when giving them feedback or accepting feedback from them, ensure you stay on message. Don’t throw them a curve ball. This generation was brought up on algorithms, “likes,” logic, and clear feedback, not emotionally charged discussions that they often consider rants.
• You can be top down: This generation likes the comfort of a hierarchy and a clear and consistent path of respectful feedback. They have seen how feedback posted online can derail a conversation.
Language to Avoid When You Give and Accept Feedback to and from a Gen Zer
• Ambiguity: This generation doesn’t deal well with uncertainty.
• Conflict: This generation can hold their own in an argument, but they dislike conflict because they’ve seen too much of it.
FIGURE 3.5: Suggested Gen Zer Feedback Loop
Example of Giving Feedback (Sent as a Message in Teams or a Direct Message)
The abstract is in good shape. Your conclusion needs to be more robust. Attached are a few examples of what I want to see. Need to chat?
Example of Accepting Feedback
Great work—you made me think—I love that. Let’s brainstorm—free to chat?
Why is it important to understand this information for each of these generations? Because shifting how you provide and receive feedback enables you to motivate your entire team. Many people in my speaking audiences have challenged me on this, saying that others should learn to adapt to them. If that is how you would like to work, then absolutely, please do. For a leader, it is important to remember, and research proves, that when you are trying to get your team to win, as Jose and Tony said, you have to give them directions that they can understand, see value in, and act on. When you tailor your messaging, you show them respect and your understanding of who they are.
You can now move to the solution, breaking the barrier of providing the right body language in your feedback and avoiding feedback generational stress triggers during difficult conversations.6
WHAT TO DO WHEN THE CONVERSATION TURNS DIFFICULT
For some of us, the four words “we need to talk” are anxiety-inducing. Don’t believe me? Try saying them to someone you love or work with and watch the reaction on his or her face. Or text these words to a friend and wait for the response. I tried it with my daughter—even the queen of cool herself was anxious. Difficult conversations are like vegetables: you may not like them, but you need them to be healthy. When discussing leadership, participants in my survey who worked at the Greenheck Fan Corporation said they felt difficult conversations were not only the hardest to hear but also one of the most challenging aspects of being a leader, no matter their generation.7
As the quote from a Gen X leader demonstrates:
I learned that feedback can be challenging to receive for all of us and that it’s important to transition into viewing feedback as a learning opportunity in order to better absorb it and improve. I’ve been working on being more receptive to feedback by defusing my stress prior to entering the feedback session. This way I’m more receptive.
Organizations also face a particularly interesting challenge in having difficult conversations with Millennials and Gen Zers, although for different reasons (as discussed later in the chapter). In school, teachers work hard not to fail their students because the focus is on their students’ success. But in my opinion, we need to build more failure into our education system to allow students to learn how to have difficult conversations.
When I counsel executives, I suggest they train their teams to have difficult conversations. Two of the great trainers, in my opinion, are Dr. Sheila Heen and Dr. Douglas Stone. Their books Thanks for the Feedback and Difficult Conversations are immense resources, and I have recommended them to all my clients. They are no-nonsense scientists who explain, in simple terms, why these conversations must be had and how to have them.
All experts agree: great communicators understand how to identify distress, bring people out of it, and move forward with difficult conversations. Dale Carnegie, who wrote the seminal book How to Win Friends and Influence People, claims that if you can deliver difficult news well, you will be more successful in any job you choose. Another way to prepare yourself for having a difficult conversation is by reviewing the Generational Anchoring Benchmarks.
GENERATIONAL ANCHORING BENCHMARKS: DEALING WITH DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS
TABLE 3.1: Generational Anchoring Benchmarks: Difficult Conversations (DCs)
• Boomers grew up with middle management. They were hauled on the carpet when they screwed up and were allowed to learn on the job. They learned the value of difficult conversations and to appreciate a logical argument.
• Gen Xers didn’t have middle management. They were the generation that was constantly told to do more with less. Screwing up meant they were fired. Difficult conversations were held infrequently or during an exit interview. The Jack Welch style of management adopted by many Fortune 500 companies caused Gen Xers to avoid difficult conversations, persevere, and get the job done—no matter what. They knew if they didn’t, they could lose their jobs. In the Welch system, the bottom percentile of performers was fired annually.
• Millennials never had difficult conversations. Rather, they had coaching conversations. Our school system stopped failing students, which stifled competitiveness, so the focus became self-esteem. While Millennials turned out to be good human interactors, we failed them because we didn’t give them the opportunity to fail and learn. Now they need to be taught the value of a difficult conversation and how to have one.
• Gen Zers don’t mind difficult conversations at all, but when they do have them, they prefer them with a touch of humor. Because this generation has grown up with death, destruction, and guns in the classroom, they will not shy away from a difficult conversation, but it is best to prepare them for it. They will also let you know what is on their minds. Since they have developed with the give-and-take of the Internet, they don’t understand boundaries or decorum—they just talk. In your onboarding, ensure that you provide Gen Zers with cultural guidelines on how to have difficult conversations. When having a difficult conversation, let them move around. Don’t force them to sit and stare at you while you talk to them.
Digital Body Language for a Difficult Conversation
When you’re having difficult conversations with your team or requesting something from them, members from each generation will respond differently. Use the following formulas and you’ll receive the best results:
• Boomers: Be very direct.
• Gen Xers: Present a request.
• Millennials and Gen Zers: Be nurturing.
For each of these formulas, use this sequence of reflective listening skills:
1. Encourage employees to talk about their perception of how they understand an area of improvement.
2. Ask employees to define a problem as it relates to their understanding of the organization’s goals.
3. Ask employees to define, through these changes, their role within the organization.
4. Outline your perception of their behavior.
5. Allow them time to process this.
6. Present your next steps.
7. Ask them for feedback.
8. Create a resolution.
Digital body language can help us identify stress and reduce fear, enabling us to conduct a difficult conversation, and each generation has some pretty telltale signs. For example:
• Boomers use sentence patterning that directly blames you for the problem, such as “you are not okay.”
• Gen Xers use sentence patterning that is defensive, such as “I don’t know” or “How would I know?”
• Millennials use sentence patterning that absolves them of blame but blames you, such as “I’m okay, but you are not.”
• Gen Zers either don’t respond at all or use a direct response, such as “you are wrong.”
There are also quick fixes to reduce this stress and get the difficult feedback on track for each generation, such as:
• Boomers need direct feedback: “This is what I need you to do because then we’re going to get this result, and this result is going to benefit your pension.” This approach also works very well for Gen Zers. Call them, listen to them, and then state your case. Do not get drawn off track with their chatter—keep it focused.
• Gen Xers do not trust leadership; they trust their team, so they always fear the worst from leaders. Therefore, you need to be very logical in how you construct your feedback to help them get the job done. Frame your feedback in terms of benefits and obstacles. Outline the benefits as they relate to them and the company; then point out what some of the obstacles are going to be.
• Millennials and Gen Zers have something in common—they want clarity. When you are trying to reduce their stress, ensure that the focus is not on them but on the action and the action’s results. Have proof. They will again blame you, but if they see the proof, they will calm down.
With members of all generations, when you have difficult news, don’t hedge about it. Boomers will discount you. Gen Xers will spend more time worrying and rethinking what they did, focusing on fallback plans rather than tasks. Millennials and Gen Zers will just check things with their friends, their contacts, and online, and if you lie or try to hide things, they will shut down, or worse, they will leave. These generations can handle the truth. They just require a customized approach.
To understand why we have digital misunderstandings, we have identified each generation’s digital body language. This drives your excellence as a digital communicator. Feedback, whether positive or negative, is what propels us. But what binds us together is culture. To understand how to create a great culture, you need to leverage your knowledge of generational culture triggers.