69The Abyss Is Always There

Courage also slays dizziness at the edge of abysses: and where does man not stand at the edge of abysses? Is not seeing always—seeing abysses?

—Friedrich Nietzsche

I love sitting in my quiet living room in the moments before dawn with a cup of coffee, watching the darkness fade into the colorful views of red rock and forested high plateaus. This time of year, the sight of golden foliage on the large elm tree in my yard coming slowly into view, framed by the thin woodwork of the century-old window, also warms my heart. There is something graceful and comforting about this little old house that I never felt when living in other places, and that made its presence known, subtly but undeniably, since the first time Sarah and I entered it.

It is easy, in these silent moments, to allow my mind to drift, and I’m often surprised by the thoughts and memories that surface, or how they may shift my mood. Bliss may give way to anxiety, joy to fear, contentment to bitterness, and peace to turmoil. Solitary as I am, my memories sometimes seem to take on personas of their own, sometimes friendly and sometimes hostile.

Years ago, I took a motorcycle safety class before receiving my license. I remember struggling with turns. The instructor, noticing my hesitation, came over and said, “The bike will go where you look; trust me on this—keep your eyes looking ahead, through the turn, and never look down; if you look down, you’ll go down.” Learning to resist instinct took discipline, but I did it: once, twice, and then I just stopped thinking about it and launched myself into turns with unwavering confidence. Since then, whenever I ride, I think of that piece of advice each time I enter a turn. The bike may lean so far that a foot peg scrapes the pavement, but my eyes never venture from the exit point, and the bike obeys. Never look down. If you look down, you’ll go down.

Nietzsche wrote, “Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And when you look long into an abyss, the abyss also looks into you.” In truth there is no abstract “whoever,” and no “if” about it; we all fight monsters, and the abyss of despair is always there. No matter who you are or what your situation is, there are always reasons to worry, things to fear, others to be wary of, challenges to meet, and past indiscretions to regret. Ian MacLaren knew this when he said, “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle.” Never look down. If you look down, you’ll go down.

As artists, we are perhaps more conscious of the ups and downs of our emotional cores and all the things that revolve around them. We bind our lives with our inspirations—we measure ourselves by them and hang the value of all other experiences on them. When we feel inspired and creative, everything is beautiful, and when we don’t, all else seems to lose flavor. On some days we can do no wrong, and on others we fear that we may never again accomplish anything worthwhile.

Powerful emotions may amplify or diminish an artist’s inspiration and creativity, but by their nature, powerful emotions are not sustainable for very long. Much like a pendulum, we can only go so far in one direction if we are prepared to swing as far to the opposite. To reach the highest highs, on occasion, we have to endure the lowest lows. The abyss is never going away. It is always there and it will pull you in if you look in. When life bears down and hopelessness beckons, remind yourself that you may just be looking in the wrong direction. Look ahead. If you look down, you’ll go down.

There is beauty wherever you are, and there’s always opportunity to create, to engage with life and with the world, to be inspired and fascinated. The only way forward is to immerse yourself in the work—not work, THE work. Circumstances will change and shift, you may not always be as inspired or as free or as wealthy or as healthy, but the work remains and the work rewards. In our work we look forward, and away from the abyss. In our work we find beauty and value and meaning and satisfaction. We carry it and are carried by it into life, into our relationships and studies and interactions and decisions. Engage in it with vigor and passion and honesty, and all that you put into it you will get back and more. Forget the abyss. It will be there no matter what you do. Look ahead. Don’t look down. Create. Live.