IN THIS CHAPTER

Reaching out for help when caring for your parents

Prioritizing your to-do list to stay sane and keep everyone healthy and happy

As your parents age, they’ll need more of your assistance. If you’ve had an elderly parent with major medical problems, we don’t have to tell you this. We also hear about the so-called “sandwich generation,” which refers to folks who are caring for elderly parents while still raising their own families. The reality is that this isn’t a new situation; prior generations experienced it too. Actually, the fact that life expectancies have increased means that some people finish raising their children before their elderly parents need high levels of assistance. Although other people (such as singles and childless couples) don’t face this squeeze, they still have all the challenges that come with their parents becoming frail.

In this chapter, we highlight tips for what you can do before and during retirement while caring for aging parents. These tips ensure that you cope without your efforts becoming a depressing, full-time endeavor.

Leverage Off Others’ Experiences

If you find yourself in the situation of having to care for elderly parents, the good news is that you can take comfort from shared experiences. You can know that millions of others are dealing with or have dealt with similar issues. If you begin feeling a bit overwhelmed, take a deep breath, and then take a few moments to get to know others who are sharing your challenges.

How can you find these folks? One terrific starting point is to contact the outreach coordinator or social worker at local senior centers. For example, suppose you have a parent suffering from Alzheimer’s disease or other dementia. You can join a support group that focuses on that issue. The local senior center may run such groups or may be able to refer you to them. Also, talk to others you know. You may be surprised how many friends and family members have been down the same road and are caring for elderly parents.

Ask for Professional Help

Don’t try to do everything yourself. Tap social service agencies. For example, check out the following professional organizations that can provide some help:

• Aging Life Care Professionals: This organization can help you find an eldercare advocate or geriatric care manager. Visit www.aginglifecare.org/ or call 520-881-8008.
• The Administration for Community Living (ACL): This federal government agency is part of the Department of Health and Human Services and is responsible for advancing the concerns and interests of older people and their caregivers. ACL works to promote the development of a comprehensive and coordinated system of home- and community-based long-term care. You can find out more at www.acl.gov or by calling 202-619-0724. Of particular interest is ACL’s Eldercare Locator, which you can use at www.eldercare.acl.gov or by calling 800-677-1116.

You can find plenty of programs at all levels of government, but the governments rarely advertise them. Digging a little can provide helpful resources you may not otherwise have found.

Invest in Their Health

Be proactive about assessing your parents’ health situation and what can be done to make the most of it. Also encourage your parents to be proactive about managing their own health rather than reacting after a problem is uncovered. That said, remember to be sensitive to their privacy and their own desires. Focus on your concern that their health be the best that it can be. Avoid taking control of their healthcare decisions, unless they’re truly incapable of doing so themselves. (If they are incapable of making those decisions, see our discussion in Chapter 14 about important healthcare documents that can assist you in making healthcare decisions on your parents’ behalf.)

Get Your Parents’ Affairs in Order

Most people could think of 100 things, perhaps even 1,000 things, they’d rather do than get their affairs in order for their passing. Contemplating one’s mortality usually isn’t an enjoyable activity, especially if you’re in good health. This book helps you get your affairs in order. Why not do the same with your parents?

When prodding and encouraging your parents to get their affairs in order, be careful not to let your best intentions be misinterpreted by your folks or other family members. For example, perhaps your parents have neglected to complete a will and an estate plan. Although you may not have the slightest selfish interest in inheriting some of their money and assets, other family members may have a different take on your intentions when you encourage them to complete an estate plan. Be sensitive to their feelings and privacy regarding their finances and what happens with their estate upon their passing.

Examine Housing and Medical Care Options

As your parents age (and, ultimately, as you age), be careful not to quickly leap to conclusions as to what type of housing and medical care is best for the situation. Although your decisions may be based on years or even decades of prior observations and thinking, there’s no substitute for casting a wide net and considering an array of options and their pros and cons.

Reading this book is an excellent starting point. (Chapter 8 specifically deals with housing decisions.) You also can supplement our information and get more detailed, on-the-ground, local flavor by speaking with a range of medical professionals and other folks who regularly work with the elderly.

Use Caregiver Agreements

In many families, younger members help care for older members for at least a brief period. Care can take several forms. Each form that we discuss in the following list has financial and tax consequences. Families should pay attention to the details and rules partly to ensure they receive maximum benefits and partly so each member will feel he or she is treated fairly. Here’s the scoop on the two forms of care:

• Financial: This type of care could involve financial help for at-home services or residence at an assisted living or other facility. When financial assistance is provided, tax benefits may be available. For example, it may be possible to claim a dependency exemption for the relative or to deduct medical expenses paid on his behalf.

  Even when one family member cares for another, some type of financial exchange may take place. Sometimes the caregiver is paid directly and on a regular basis. Other times an agreement states that the caregiver will receive special treatment in the will.

• Personal: This type of care could involve personally providing a person’s needs in either the caretaker’s home or in the cared-for person’s home. Because personally caring for a family member can get sticky, it has some special requirements. For this reason, we focus on this type of care in this section.

When a family member is a personal caregiver for another, you should create a written caregiver agreement. The agreement, which should be discussed with all involved parties, ensures that everyone in the family knows the terms and has no misunderstandings and that tax benefits are maximized. An agreement is important in every case, but it’s especially important when the caregiver has siblings.

While having the caregiver agreement drafted, be sure the person being cared for has an estate plan, including a financial power of attorney, medical care power of attorney, will, and other appropriate documents. (See Chapter 14 for more on these documents.)

When a family member cares for another and is being financially compensated, the payments aren’t tax-free gifts. The written agreement helps stop the Internal Revenue Service (IRS) from considering the transfers gifts. This is important because gifts above the annual exclusion amount ($15,000 in 2021) are taxable or reduce the lifetime gift and estate tax credit of the parent receiving care. Any payments are compensation for services and must be included in the gross income of the recipient. This is true whether the payments are made periodically like a salary, in a lump sum, or as an additional inheritance.

Separate Living Spaces if Parents Are Going to Move In

Some people choose to have a parent come to live with them. In the best cases, this works well and enables more frequent contact for shorter periods of time. Grandparents can see their grandkids and help care for them occasionally. In the worst cases, however, spouses end up at odds over the lack of boundaries and the interruption of family time by the care needs of an elderly relative.

Moving a parent into your own home is a big decision that all parties should thoroughly discuss. At a minimum, we recommend that you have available separate living space, with a separate entrance and privacy, to help make this work.

Take Care of Your Family

Between work and other commitments, you may feel overwhelmed when caring for your elderly parents. But do remember to take care of your immediate family (spouse and dependent children). Neglecting a spouse may happen easily because you may feel that he doesn’t really need your assistance the way a frail parent does or the way a young child does. But, your spouse still needs and deserves your love and affection even though he likely doesn’t need your support for daily living.

Of course, there will be times, such as a hospitalization, when your elderly parents need more of your help and attention. Most families expect and understand this. Your own family should be understanding of short-term absences and periods when you have less free time for them.

Take Care of Yourself

As you care for all your loved ones, don’t neglect yourself. The best caregivers often tend to really neglect their own needs and their own health. Think back to the last time you were traveling by plane and the flight attendant advised putting on your own oxygen mask before assisting your kids. This advice makes sense because you’ll be better able to help others when you’re stronger.