Chances are you’re going through a period of great change in your life right now. Change is one thing we can rely on happening, and yet many of us find it hard to navigate. Big changes in life – and small ones – can make us feel destabilized and anxious about the unknown on the other side. Change means uncertainty and stepping out of our comfort zone, and so it tests our resilience. In fact, the quickest and easiest way to measure your inner resilience is to observe your own reactions and behaviour as you experience change. Some people are naturally change-averse and some people relish it. There are probably more people in the first camp than the latter, but one thing’s for sure, change WILL happen and tackling it well is at the heart of real strength.

The good news is there are plenty of techniques you can learn to help you to do that. We’ll be exploring them in this chapter.

WE’RE WIRED FOR CHANGE – WE NEED 
IT FOR GROWTH

If you feel like you’re struggling through whatever change you’re going through, it may be comforting to bear in mind that, as human beings, it’s something we need.

In fact, as tricky and scary as it can sometimes feel, we cannot grow or develop without it. Change is necessary for human accomplishment – it is at the heart of our own life stories, and of the stories we read. The reason we read and enjoy fiction is because we see the characters undergoing transformation. They do this by experiencing struggle. You know that satisfying feeling you get at the end of a good book when you feel like you’ve witnessed the hero go through hell and come out the other side? That’s no accident. That process is the basis for all narratives and the basis for our stories of growth too.

The American mythologist Joseph Campbell coined the phrase the ‘hero’s journey’ to describe this path of change and development. The hero’s journey has five specific stages. We go through these same stages when we ourselves go through changes in our lives:

1. Old status quo: This is the starting point to our stories of thriving after adversity. It’s where we are before the change.
2. Destabilizing events: These are anything that thrust us forwards into big life changes; for example, being fired, or even something like becoming a parent (especially if it was unplanned).
3. Crucible of change: This is the point at which the character (you) comes into contact with the big obstacle or challenge you have to get over in order to come out the other side, a changed person.
4. Integration practice: This is where we accept whatever changes have happened to us and deal with the outcome and changes in our circumstances. We adapt and try to grow and thrive, because of and despite it.
5. New status quo: Our new life and the new us, post-change.

WHY IS CHANGE SO STRESSFUL?

“A huge amount of upheaval may well cause anxiety, especially if we don’t understand why the change is happening.”

Liggy Webb, consultant in behavioural skills and author of Resilience

One of the main reasons that change is so stressful, and why it can stop you feeling strong and resilient, is that it threatens your perceived sense of control. This happens even with change that we want – such as moving house or finding a new relationship – 
but it is especially true of sudden and traumatic change: someone close to us becoming seriously ill, for example. It’s really difficult to think calmly and rationally when change is thrust upon us like this because everything seems so surreal – so out of our control.

“Everything outside your world looks distant and alien. The normality of life shifts so dramatically that it seems as though you can’t ever access it again.”

Sian Williams, author of RISE: Surviving and Thriving After Trauma

This feeling – that we have lost control – is perfectly natural. We are creatures of habit, after all, and generally feel safer when things are familiar – be that our job, relationship or home. Put another way, when things change, we can feel unsafe, stressed out and frightened – the very opposite of real strength.

In the 1960s, the Swiss-American psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross developed the ‘grief cycle model’. She proposed that any terminally ill patient would go through these five stages of grief on learning they were going to die. She also proposed that this model could be applied to anyone going through any life-changing situation – that is, any big change. It makes sense, since if you think about it, change IS loss: instead of losing a loved one, you are losing things being the way they were, so it’s no wonder it can throw us off course.

Take a look at them. Do you recognize any of the stages in terms of how you feel or have felt when going through change in your life?

1. Denial: This is the stage where whatever change you are going through is so overwhelming that you don’t want to believe or accept that it’s really happening; where you might even not want to discuss it with anyone.
2. Anger: You might lash out with the stress of it all – depending on what the change is, you might be angrily asking: why me? What have I done to deserve this?
3. Bargaining: This is the stage where you question the looming change itself, either with other people or within yourself: is this the right thing to be doing? If I did such and such, might I not have to go through with it at all?
4. Depression: You might feel sadness at things changing; after all you are waving goodbye to things being a certain way – a way you have felt comfortable with – and have no idea what things will be like after the change.
5. Acceptance: This is the last stage of grief. It’s not about feeling happy (although, you may feel happy); it’s more a stage of calm, a feeling that you have made peace with whatever change you’re going through and have grown as a person because of it. This is the stage where you are most likely to find the positives and the benefits of that change in circumstances, even if it felt very stressful while you were going through it.

Not all people will experience all of these stages when going through big changes in their lives, and you may find you get stuck on one stage – for example, denial. However, by understanding each stage of Kubler-Ross’s grief cycle model, we can better understand how to tackle the process of change. By recognizing and being aware of your behaviour in each stage, you can learn how to get to the acceptance part quicker and start to enjoy and embrace the outcome of the change that has taken place.

“Resilient people know that things change. They accept that it’s part of life and they get to the ‘acceptance’ bit a lot sooner.”

Liggy Webb, consultant in behavioural skills and author of Resilience

IT’S THE TRANSITION, NOT NECESSARILY THE CHANGE, THAT’S HARD

‘It isn’t the changes that do you in, it’s the transitions’, says William Bridges, author of Managing Transition. Transition, in this sense, means the psychological process people must go through to come to terms with new situations. There are two main bits to this process:

1. Accepting the change (see the last stage of the grief cycle).
2. Knowing how to consciously direct your life towards something more positive.

We’ll be looking at how to do that, in more detail, in a second.

PERCEPTION IS EVERYTHING

Just as people’s coping strategies differ when faced with adversity and change, so do their perceptions of that change and adversity. You may think that some changes in life would be seen as traumatic by everybody – being diagnosed with an incurable illness for example – but actually, that’s not the case. So what does someone who doesn’t perceive a terminal illness diagnosis as ‘traumatic’ have to teach us? How come they’re so strong?

In her book RISE: Surviving and Thriving After Trauma, Sian Williams tells the story of her brother-in-law Martin who has stage four, incurable cancer but who does not see this as ‘traumatic’. Yes, he hates the chemotherapy and how the illness limits his life. He also recognizes that he’s had to make certain amendments to his life as a result of the diagnosis, but he doesn’t view these as traumatic either.

So what does Martin do? What is it about his thinking that means he does not perceive this seismic shift to his life as traumatic?

• He reflects. He discusses his condition with his wife and family and does not pretend that it’s not happening.
• He researches and embraces alternative therapies.
• He is active and proactive, rather than in denial, and takes control of the things he can manage. For example, he’s stopped eating sugar as he thinks it’s toxic, and he stopped chemo for a while when he felt it was limiting his life.

We could encapsulate his approach like this:

Martin cannot control this cancer, so he is actively thinking about how to integrate it into a fulfilling life. He is reflecting about his predicament. Also, he is exerting control where he can at the same time as being flexible and adaptable.

As Williams writes:

‘Martin is not stuck in a loop of why me? He’s thinking, ok there’s no cure for this so what can I do to make my life more bearable, even enjoyable? If we can all do that, then we can build up resilience.’

TACKLING UNCERTAINTY

It’s very probable that if you’re going through big changes in your life, it’s the fear of uncertainty that is causing the most anxiety. As human beings we have to deal with uncertainty every day. We have to manage the state of not knowing as our lives are filled with unexpected events and surprises, but this is how we grow and progress in life. A certain amount of fear of what may lie ahead is natural, but if it is paralysing you, stopping you from living the life you want to live … you need to look at it.

Researchers Michel Dugas and Robert Ladouceur found that a core feature of worry is the inability to tolerate uncertainty. They found that some worriers even say that they would rather know for certain that the outcome will be bad, than be left in suspense over whether things will work out or not.

Perhaps it is worth pointing out here that since we can never 
know what lies in the future, worrying about it is not only a colossal waste of energy but also perpetuates stress. So how do we deal with it?

The trick is to practise sitting with our feelings of discomfort as we experience fear of uncertainty. Sufferers tend to try and second guess everything, so instead, try and trust your instincts and judgement. If something feels truly wrong, then it’s possibly because it is, and fear of uncertainty can sometimes be our brain’s way of protecting us from things that are bad for us (for example, a bad relationship). On the flipside, if we have too much unchecked fear, it can stop us from taking opportunities because we worry they won’t work out. So get curious about your fears: what are they really about? Are you worrying about something that is merely hypothetical? For example, that this person will get cold feet and hurt you? You can manage fears like this by enforcing boundaries: say to yourself (in the case of beginning a new relationship, just as an example) ‘I will treat this relationship as a certainty for 30 days and not worry about the outcome. At the end of those 30 days, I shall reassess my feelings: has what I was worried about materialized?’

MAINTAINING REAL STRENGTH IN THE FACE OF CHANGE

We are all resilient creatures. But how can we access our well of resiliency, even at times of catastrophic change?

• 1. Be self-aware: As with everything to do with building real strength, knowing yourself is the first step. Only you can go through this change, so knowing how you tend to react to change is vital. Once you are aware of how you tend to think in times of change and stress, you can challenge that thinking if it’s not helpful. You can separate your thoughts from yourself, rather than letting your thoughts spiral. Simply saying ‘I am having the thought that …’ helps you separate your thought from whatever you are going through, reducing your anxiety.
• 2. Ask for support: There is a lot to be said for the old adage: a problem shared is a problem halved. Seeking the support of others, especially those who have been through or are going through the same thing as you, can be incredibly comforting and bolstering. Resilient people surround themselves with support from trusted friends and family because they understand the value that has. Not only does knowing you are loved and cherished when going through a hard time help enormously, but hearing how other people have dealt with a similar problem can give you ideas as to how you can do the same.
• 3. Reflect: As in the case of Martin who reflected about his cancer diagnosis, putting time aside to think about your predicament is the first step in healthily tackling it. Reflection is perhaps the opposite of reaction. As we saw in Part 1, when we are in reflection mode, we activate our frontal cortex – the part of our brain that helps us to make sound decisions and to rationalize – and this automatically reduces activity in the amygdala which activates our stress response and often leads us to doing and saying things we may later regret.
• 4. Be flexible: Flexible people are adaptable when responding to uncertainty – they are able to identify and compartmentalize their fears about the future. They recognize that worrying about something that may not happen is not a good use of their energy, and so they are able to put those fears in a box in order to continue with their lives. They are also able to see fears for what they are – FEARS, ideas – not realities or facts. Another prerequisite for flexible thinking is being open to other peoples’ suggestions on how best to tackle a challenge.
• 5. Accept it might be messy: It probably will be! This is because going through big changes forces us to reassess and scrutinize belief systems we have upheld all our lives – it can feel like our whole universe is shifting on its axis. But just because things feel messy, doesn’t mean you’re not growing as a person.

As we already touched upon briefly in Part 1, in her book RISE: Surviving and Thriving After Trauma, Sian Williams introduces us to Professor Stephen Joseph, who has worked with survivors of adversity for more than 20 years. Professor Joseph told Williams the story of American psychologist Carl Rogers, and Williams then regaled the tale in her book. As a boy living on a ranch outside Chicago, Rogers would go down to the cellar where his family stored potatoes. The ceiling of the cellar was made of solid wood but there was a small gap, and the sprouts of the potatoes would always find a way to grow towards it – they would seek the light. Professor Joseph likens this to the ‘self-actualizing tendency’ in human beings.

We, too, will always find a way to grow even in very difficult circumstances. But just like those potatoes, which were gnarled and grey, we may appear and feel unhealthy as we do it. Basically, change means struggle, and struggle can be ugly. However, Professor Joseph’s time spent with individuals going through trauma has taught him that just because a person may look like they are struggling, it doesn’t mean they are not growing inside. He says: ‘Like the shoots reaching out in the darkness, the potato looks very unhealthy … and if you looked at a person who was similarly trying to grow, you may not see lots of lovely positive things – it may look quite nasty, but it would still be that person striving to grow.’