In Chapter 1, "Be a Partner Not an Order Taker," we covered some scenarios and tools on how to make that transition. But that chapter is mainly a mindset, albeit a critical one for you to take the next step. In this chapter, we will dig deep into the implementation of behaviors that anchor the idea of partnership.
How do you provide feedback to others? For most people, it's a challenge, especially when they're trying to communicate with someone in an influential position. You may have a lot to say to your boss or your customer, but don't know how to say it. You may wait weeks or even months before getting up the nerve to say what's on your mind. But then you blow it. You're so wound up that when you finally speak, it comes off as whiny, petty, vindictive, or egotistical. Your feedback is flawed, and that's why the other person becomes defensive or angry when you offer it. Rather than helping the relationship, this type of feedback hurts it.
Or you may never provide any feedback at all. While you're civil and communicate the information the other person needs, you never go beyond the superficial issues. You never tell your boss or customer your feelings about the relationship and what might be done to make it more productive. You never point out problems that might help both of you be more effective in your jobs but also may involve some difficult conversations. Consequently, the relationship never advances to the next level, even though it may be perfectly amicable.
It is understandable that feedback is difficult to give. Your boss or your client has a direct impact on your compensation and your career. Why rock the boat? Why take a chance and tell him he's sabotaging a project with his recklessness? Why risk his anger by pointing out mistakes he's making? As difficult as it is to give feedback, giving feedback in a constructive way is even more difficult. Sometimes, when people start saying what's on their minds, their emotions get the better of them, and they go beyond feedback to emotional outbursts.
Offering feedback the right way is crucial if you want relationships that produce results. Trust that your honesty and insight will be valued if you understand what to say and how to say it. But you must overcome the natural reluctance to speak from your heart as well as your head.
I'm not going to tell you that giving a boss honest feedback is a pleasant experience, especially when you do it for the first time in the relationship. Expect to feel anxious; expect worst-case scenarios to run through your head. You're going to think of a million reasons to avoid telling your boss that his nitpicking is not just irritating but is interfering with the work.
In the same way, it's tough to control yourself when you do decide to be honest. All that pent-up anger and frustration can surface in many negative ways, including losing control of yourself because of passion, resentment, or not achieving results commensurate with your talent.
Leveling with a boss, a leader, a mentor, or anyone in a position of authority can seem counterintuitive, and fear of your message landing the wrong way may alter the manner and candor in which you deliver it.
All of this may deter you from offering honest and direct feedback. Don't allow that to happen. Force yourself to look at this issue from the other person's point of view. If you're in his shoes, do you want your direct report to sugarcoat the truth? Do you want your supplier to hold back key details because he's worried that revealing them might upset you? Of course not. You know you can't operate effectively if the other person isn't telling you everything you need to know.
When I'm speaking to groups about this subject, someone in the audience invariably raises her hand and says something to the effect of, "You don't know my boss." She goes on to explain how her boss is irrational, hot-tempered, overly critical, or just plain crazy. How can you be honest with a person like that?
If someone really is crazy or mean, and you've been working for him for a sustained period, I first pose the question, Why are you working for him? In further coaching and assessing, I've learned that most bosses and customers only appear this way. They may have gruff exteriors or be idiosyncratic, but they want to have a results-producing relationship as much as you do.
I have a client named Paul who is intimidating. He's a tough-talking New Yorker who can use sarcasm like a hammer. At one point, I decided that I needed to talk to him about my fee, which had not changed for two years. We had a good relationship, and I had done good work for Paul's organization, so it didn't seem out of bounds to at least raise the issue.
Nonetheless, I was anxious about broaching this subject. I worried that I might anger Paul to the point that he could fire me. I thought about how much easier it would be to play it safe—this was a big client, after all. And then I engaged in a self-dialogue that cleared my mind—and cleared the obstacles that I had put up between myself and Paul. What my self-dialogue boiled down to is the following reminder.
We often say no to ourselves before we give the other person a chance to say yes.
After taking a few deep breaths, I walked into Paul's office for our meeting. We started by talking about other matters, and finally I said, "Paul, I was curious about how your budget looks for the coming year."
"Why," he snapped, "are you thinking of raising your fee?"
"Well, I was thinking of bringing up the subject for discussion to see what the opportunities were."
"You know, you're going to price yourself right out of this company."
Part of me wanted to stop right there and cut my losses. But a larger part knew that I had a valid point to make and wasn't going to rest until it was made.
"It's not my objective to price myself out of the company," I said. "My objective is keep your company as a client and continue to provide high value. But I'm a businessman, and I want to maximize the value I receive in return."
I'm not sure if it was what I said or how I said it—probably the combination—but I could see the effect of my words. Paul's features softened, he nodded slightly and asked what I had in mind. I gave him a figure, he came back with a lower one, and we arrived at a compromise number that struck me as eminently fair.
Providing direct and honest feedback isn't for the faint of heart. You need courage to sweep aside all the anxieties that cause you to shy away from these encounters. As the ol' cowboy, John Wayne said, "Courage is being scared to death but saddling up anyway."
As you may have guessed, offering straight talk to bosses and customers is linked to the lessons in Chapter 2, "Reveal Your Flaws without Fear." There has to be a give and take despite the fear both people in a relationship feel. This is the only way that relationships move to a higher level and produce the results you seek.
Your boss may provide you with plenty of feedback, but she probably won't invite you to return the favor. It isn't because she is not interest in hearing what you have to say, but because most of us have been conditioned to believe that feedback is a one-way street. If we're the boss or the client, we're the ones who tell others what we think of their performance.
Therefore, it is up to you to be the initiator. Make it your responsibility to tell your partner a difficult truth. Don't wait for her to say something first. Don't tell yourself it's not your place because you're in a "one-down" position managing up.
How you act, though, is key. If, for instance, I had been overly presumptuous or aggressive in my approach with my client, Paul, he would not have accepted my feedback. There are lots of good ways to provide feedback when you're managing up, over, and down. Here are three of the best tips to keep in mind:
Choose the right time.
Prepare and plan.
Align understanding.
Choose the Right Time
Bursting into your boss's office when he's racing to finish a project and then catch a plane isn't the best time to deliver feedback. Less obviously, approaching your boss or a client when she is distracted by a key, upcoming meeting or by a personal issue also isn't advisable. As eager as you might be to communicate your ideas or feelings, think about the timing issues in the following ways:
Identify the best time to approach a given individual. This is not just identifying the worst times to avoid, but also knowing the periods when someone is most likely to be receptive to feedback. Determine if someone is a morning person or is in a better mood in the afternoon. Figure out his routines. When does he like taking breaks? When does he prefer to visit with people in his office (versus when he's usually too busy to visit)?
Ask "Is this a good time to meet?" before beginning a feedback conversation. Give the person the opportunity to reschedule. Even if he has time when you ask, your question will have communicated that you're thinking about his schedule and not just your own issues.
Explain up front how much time you need. This is an important conversation where you need the other individual's undivided attention. You don't want him to be looking at his watch every minute and making up an impending call or meeting. If there isn't sufficient time to say what you need to say and talk about it, reschedule.
Explain up front how important this conversation is. Two things can happen if your boss or customers don't see the importance of the conversation. First, he may not give his full attention to what you have to say, and his responses may become perfunctory as a result. Second, he may figure he can placate you with a token nod of his head or by saying he understands. Unless he takes your words to heart, he's not going to respond in a way that ultimately leads to results.
Eliminate distractions. I recognize that this isn't always easy. Your relationship partner may have a lot of responsibility and demands on his time. You don't control whether phones ring, computers signal incoming messages, or people barge in while you're sitting there. Nonetheless, you can attempt to minimize these distractions if not eliminate them. You can request that the other person hold his calls. Better yet, you can have the meeting in your office where you control the environment. Or you can schedule the discussion for lunch at a place that is quiet.
Prepare and Plan
Don't wing it. In the previous step, I suggested you communicate how important the meeting is. Communicate this same information to yourself. This isn't the time for ad hoc conversations. Put in some time and effort to figure out how you want the feedback conversation to go. Specifically:
Practice what you want to say. Rehearse. Record or videotape your words. How do they sound? Does it seem like you're coming across as overly aggressive and accusatory? Or are you too meek and mild? The best tone is always confident, yet humble. It's generally wise to open a feedback discussion with a disarming question or statement, so think about how you might phrase one. For instance: "Do I have permission to speak honestly?" or "I've been thinking about something, but I hesitate to tell you because I'm worried about how you might respond."
Be succinct. Don't ramble, but at the same time, don't speak so quickly that it seems like you can't wait to be done and out of there. Recognize that during that first feedback session, your anxiety may switch you to autopilot and cause you to speak a mile a minute. Adopt purposeful pausing, consciously keeping a measured pace as you deliver your message.
Suggest solutions rather than just raise problems. Remember, feedback isn't only about saying what's wrong; it's about saying how things might be made right.
Be a professional. This means controlling your emotions and presenting your feedback clearly and without histrionics. As much as your emotions may be roiling inside of you, remind yourself that you want people to focus on your message. If you're overly angry, upset, or frustrated, the other person will probably remember that, rather than what you said.
Align understanding
Many times, people deliver feedback as a speech rather than as part of a dialogue. Any time you offer feedback, there's the possibility of misinterpretation. For this reason, make an effort to determine if the other person in your relationship really gets what you're saying. You can do this in a number of ways, including:
Ask your relationship partner if she understands what you're trying to tell her. You don't have to use words that suggest she's dense. Instead, use follow-up questions to probe her understanding. For instance, "Do you see why it bothers me when Joe bypasses me for these projects?" or "Does my frustration make sense to you, especially in light of how this has happened four times in the past month?" Refer to specific incidents that require the other person to address your feedback in detail rather than just providing a vague restatement of your concerns.
Clarify disconnects. People misinterpret feedback all the time. Don't blame yourself. Communication is an imperfect art at best, and sometimes people hear what they want to hear. Don't panic when you realize that your boss or customer has drawn a conclusion that you absolutely didn't want her to draw. Instead, politely hold up your hand like a traffic cop and shake your head. Say something like, "I can see how you might think that, but it's not at all what I intended. What I really wanted to say is . . ."
Communicate what you hope the outcome of your feedback will be. Ideally, your conversation should help you secure a commitment from your partner to respond to your feedback in a certain way. If you suggest that you're ready for more challenging assignments, you want her to acknowledge this fact and say that she is going to give you these assignments within the coming weeks. At the very least, by spelling out the results you find desirable, you will have given the other person a path to follow if she so chooses.
Get feedback on your feedback. A large mistake most professionals make when giving feedback is they unwittingly approach encounters with a mono logue approach. But in providing direct and honest feedback, you must be willing to solicit and receive it yourself. Open-ended questions like, "So what are your honest thoughts about my suggestions?" or "Do you have different insights that I may not be seeing?"
Remember, if you want others to be open-minded when you provide them with direct and honest feedback, you must practice the same behavior.
One additional tool that can make the feedback session pay off down the road is follow-up. Feedback is worthless if it's a one-time event. If you make giving feedback into a habit, it will make a difference in your job and your career. But, it's tough to do that. If you just get something off your chest, feel better, and aren't compelled to follow up; monitor what happens and offer feedback again. Checkpoint meetings should be regularly scheduled, mutually agreed up on conversations that revolve around perception. In other words, given the feedback, does each person perceive the situation in the same way? Have problems been resolved or does one person still believe problems exist? If during the initial feedback meeting, your boss agreed that you should be working on higher-level teams, do you feel your new team is the higher-level team you were talking about with your boss? Checkpoints help keep issues on track.
While checkpoint meetings have practical value, they also have relationship value; they represent a commitment to take feedback seriously and continually improve your own performance and that of those around you. People can respond positively to what you tell them, but unless they are committed to thinking long and hard about what you tell them, feedback will have little effect. When feedback is the regular cause for meeting and the subject of the meeting, it's elevated in importance.
I should also emphasize that performance reviews and other types of annual or semiannual appraisals are no substitute for checkpoints. Relationships are dynamic and evolve every day. If you save everything for one meeting at the end of the year, you're going to spend an inordinate number of hours hashing over old business—or you may not get to issues that are important, and instead focus on things that took place six months ago. These checkpoint meetings don't have to be long—a few minutes may be sufficient—but they need to take place at least once a month so that feedback is addressed continuously.
Being direct with a person of influence or power isn't always smooth sailing. Sometimes the other individual's reaction may hinder achieving your goal. People may be taken aback by your sudden candor. They may also feel threatened by what you're telling them; they may react defensively. In other instances, how you deliver the feedback may make this process more difficult than necessary. Everything from your tone of voice to your body language carries a message, and you may inadvertently be delivering that message in an off-putting way.
Whether it's you or the other person—or a combination of both—here are some common troubleshooting situations, followed by fixes you might try.
Scenario One
During your first feedback meeting, you attempt to be honest and open in your conversation with your relationship partner, but this person snaps at you. Despite your best intentions, you end up creating a further distance between your boss or client and yourself.
If this has happened to you, your first reaction may be to retreat. You want nothing to do with open and direct feedback ever again. It's a shock to have your words thrown back in your face. You think to yourself, "I tried to tell him the truth in a compassionate, straightforward manner, and all it did was make him angry." You tell yourself you're not going to put yourself in that place again.
But you need to go back there. The next time, try asking questions that might uncover the why behind his anger. You might say, "You seemed really angry the other day when I told you about x. Is there something going on that I don't know about?"
Never forget that even though the other person in your relationship is highly successful or seems incredibly confident and decisive, she's fallible, plagued by doubts, and not always certain what to do. Her surface reaction may be hiding a deeper pain, and it may have nothing to do with you. People are complex and emotional, and just because they are in positions of power doesn't mean they stop being human. Your boss may snap at you because your feedback hits a nerve; she's not mad at you but at herself for being weak or fl awed in some way. This is a consistency I have witnessed at the highest levels of corporate cultures, even with the most successful of executives.
Give this person some time to gather herself, then come back to her and discuss why she became angry. The odds are that she calmed down and feels bad because she took her anger out on you. During your next encounter, she will be in a much more receptive mood for feedback and able to listen carefully to what you have to say.
Scenario Two
When you sit down and talk with the other person about your concerns, you find that you're greeted with nods and acknowledgments. You're being heard, but there is no action being taken. Your boss or client persists in the behavior that frustrated you to begin with, so it feels like he heard your feedback but doesn't care.
The odds are that the other person does care but doesn't realize how seriously bothered you are by what's been taking place. It's also possible that your boss was distracted by other matters and hasn't really focused on your feedback. Whatever the reason, the troubleshooting recommendation here is to practice "tactful persistence."
If you're married or in a serious personal relationship of any type, you've probably already used this tactic. You tell your spouse that this weekend you need to spend some time to shop for a new washing machine. Your spouse may not respond at first to this suggestion or may offer a flimsy excuse as to why he can't do it, but if you bring it up three or four times and do so tactfully, then it's likely that he'll do what you ask. Tactful, of course, is the key word. If you are unrelenting and aggressive in how you bring up the subject, it will come off as nagging, and you'll probably evoke a negative reaction.
Try introducing the topic of your feedback again in a different setting—over lunch instead of at the office, for instance. Try it again at a different time—the start of the day rather than at the end. Maintain a pleasant manner, but also communicate that this is a major issue for you and you don't want it to slip through the cracks. Face-to-face communication is the best approach, but if they are not responding, try a direct, succinct e-mail addressing your issues as well as your concern over their lack of response. Again, tactful persistence is key.
Scenario Three
You share your feedback with your relationship partner, but instead of responding to what you've said, she tells you what's wrong with your behavior/performance.
This isn't an exchange of direct and open feedback as much as an exchange of fire. Don't mistake feedback meetings for gripe sessions. You may have turned them into the latter by taking an accusatory stance. This may not have been your intent, but it's how you were perceived by the other person. Here are the three most common mistakes people make when they provide gripes instead of feedback:
Their tone is curt, hostile, or whiny.
They make it all about themselves. They don't phrase their complaint within the context of the relationship.
They don't listen to what the other person says.
If you think you may be guilty of any or all of these actions, here are four alternatives that should prevent your partner from responding with a volley of her own:
Adopt a pleasant but confident tone.
Talk about the issue from a collaborative perspective; explore what you can do together to resolve the issue.
Communicate that you're listening and valuing what you're hearing.
When you know they have a tendency to finish sentences and interrupt, begin the meeting by requesting, "I'd like to ask you to hear me out entirely for 90 seconds and then respond." Then get your point across in 90 seconds or within the time limit you requested.
Before addressing the specific benefits, I must remind you again that while I've emphasized the need for you to speak openly and honestly when managing up, you also must be receptive to the same straight talk from your boss or client. It's not just about you. The dynamic of two people providing each other with no-holds-barred insights is what elevates the relationship. When you give your boss permission to say anything to you, it helps you learn and grow, and when he grants you the same permission, the relationship benefits immeasurably. All self-censorship has been banished, and each person receives more value per conversation than seems possible.
With this mutual exchange of feedback in mind, let's look at some key relationship benefits:
Personal integrity
Over the years, I've met people in organizations who may have had nice titles and been well-spoken, but they seemed more like actors than authentic people. They lacked a genuine quality. Instead, they were trying to fool others—and themselves—about who they were. They played a role and may have thought they were charismatic, but people viewed them as frauds. They may have believed they were wise and reflective, but their colleagues viewed them as overly cautious.
When people provide you with direct and honest feedback, it is difficult to continue to fool yourself. If you have a weakness or are missing a piece of knowledge or a skill, you have to face it and do something about it. You can't fake it. There's no hiding. As a result, this type of relationship forces you to be who you really are. And that's a powerful asset in any job or career. If you act in an authentic manner, people will respect you. You gain a certain authority by being true to who you are, and that often results in increased infl uence within a culture.
There's a poem written in 1934 by Dale Wimbrow called, "The Guy in the Glass," and its theme is that when you look at yourself in the mirror, that's how you'll be judged; that you gain strength of character when you can face yourself honestly. When you give someone feedback, and they do the same for you, then you are both winners. Or as the poem goes, "He's (the man in the mirror) the feller to please, never mind all the rest, / For he's with you clear up to the end, / And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test / If the guy in the glass is your friend."
A free exchange of ideas and information
When you're honest with someone about your thoughts and feelings, it's easy to be honest about everything from bad news to provocative ideas. In breakthrough relationships, people are extraordinarily well-informed. They make sure the other person is aware of all relevant events, trends, and changes within the organization.
A go-to resource
You've heard the expression, "He's my right-hand man" (or right-hand woman)? It suggests that someone is indispensable; that this person can be relied on through thick and thin. When two people provide each other with direct and open feedback, each serves as the other's right-hand man. Feedback cements this tight relationship. Knowing that there is always someone you can count on to help when you get into trouble or are facing a great opportunity is a huge benefit, one that breeds loyalty, trust, and respect.
Let me end this chapter on feedback by telling you about Jack, the head of a midsize family business. When Jack took over the business from his father (who had recently died) at age 46, he hired an administrative assistant named Alice who was ten years his senior. Alice had worked in a similar capacity for a competitor for many years, but she was let go in a downsizing. At first, Jack felt lucky to have her simply because she knew the field backwards and forwards, and she was highly organized.
During his initial years as CEO, Jack was a bit lost. Though he had an MBA and had done well as an executive with a Fortune 500 corporation, he had only been in the family business for five years and sometimes felt as if he were out of his element. While some of the employees were solid, some were long-time veterans who seemed to be coasting. Jack wasn't always sure if they were as informed about issues as they should be.
During the first few years with the company, Jack started telling Alice about a decision he was contemplating and asked her what she thought. Alice was a very strong-willed person who wouldn't mince words. She'd tell him if he was being overly analytical—one of Jack's fl aws—or if he was too worried about hurting one of the veteran employees by making a certain decision. Jack found himself depending on Alice more and more, and after a while, he gave her the position of vice president, much to the consternation of some employees who resented that he was making a secretary an officer of the company.
For his part, Jack educated Alice about basic business management, an area where she had street smarts but lacked certain skills. Jack also helped Alice polish some of her rough edges. In an odd reversal of usual roles, Jack was shy about telling a woman ten years his senior, and who knew the industry much better than he did, that she needed to work on her presentation skills. After a while, though, Jack lost his hesitancy in speaking to Alice candidly. He explained to her that she was rubbing certain people the wrong way and that there were times when discretion was the better part of valor. He helped Alice keep in mind that there were certain situations where it was better to say nothing, than to say the wrong thing.
When Jack was 50 years old and Alice was 60 years old, he took on the title of chairman and made Alice his CEO. Not only did the company do better in the next seven years (until Alice retired) than it had ever done in the past, but Alice and Jack formed a great executive team that won the buy-in of even the most veteran employees as evidenced by the company's performance results.
In telling this story of Jack and Alice, I'm not saying that you should seek out your company's CEO, level with him, and expect that he'll adopt you as his heir. The morale of the story is that when people give each other strong feedback over time, the relationship is able to move to a level that it could never reach otherwise—a level that produces great results.