Reterminology: The New Language of Retirement
The shocked response heard ‘round America when people received their 1st quarter 2009 401(k) statements. Audrey did a 401(hey!) when she opened her mail last week.
The act of justifying a big-ticket purchase because one has been previously frugal. Shannon had avoided Starbucks for an entire month, so she felt her trip to Maui was bingeified.
club famwich: [kluhb fam-wich]
A situation in which multiple generations of a family live in the same house. The Paulsens have taken on their aging parents, and two of their adult kids have moved back in—it’s the ultimate club famwich.
Prepurchase state of forgetting how badly it will feel when the damn credit card bill arrives. James later blamed the damnesia when he plopped his Amex down for the full-carbon mountain bike.
Dangerous condition that can occur from counting on one’s home appreciation for retirement money. Only after the tenth foreclosure hit Colleen and Larry’s neighborhood did they realize that they were in a later stage of equimortis.
extend and pretend: [ik-stend and pri-tend]
The mistaken belief and expectation that one can make up for procrastination and colossal underpreparing by merely postponing one’s retirement date by a handful of years. Patty’s extend and pretend post-meltdown strategy may make her feel better but is unlikely to be effective.
financia nervosa: [fi-nans-see-uh nurv-ohz-ah]
An overwhelming fear of the market that causes one to put finances in limbo. After the meltdown, Sara’s financia nervosa kicked in, and she stashed all her money into her savings account.
Paralysis by analysis brought on by trying to comprehend contradicting and confusing financial information. After reading the finance magazines, talking to his friends, and watching an investment show, Sam was overcome with finertia and now doesn’t know what to do with his money.
golden cowboy: [gohl-duhn kou-boi]
One who fears a collapsing government and economy and begins hoarding gold and guns. Dexter was already nervous that the Dow dipped below 6,700, but when the Chrysler preferred shareholders got hosed, he went totally golden cowboy.
Hellthcare is what Medicare has become for many. Trying to manage the paperwork and red tape that followed her surgery was sheer hellthcare for Gina.
The state of a house having no investment value—current or likely in the near future—having value only as a place to sleep. Given that an identical model to the Sneider’s sold for about $100,000 less than what they paid for their half-million dollar home, they knew they were home alone.
homeopathic: [hoh-mee-uh-path-ik]
An abnormal and expensive psychological devotion or attachment to one’s home. When George finished the exterior deck in marble, we knew he was homeopathic.
What one’s home becomes when caring for a family member long term due to the inability to pay a provider. Many people caring for their elderly parents have turned their homes into housepitals.
The large portion of Americans who now wish they had put money away instead of spending. After years of mismanaging their money, America’s many ifonlies have switched to a frugal lifestyle.
instapidity: [in-stuh-pid-i-tee]
The compulsion of making big purchases immediately instead of saving to buy them later. The instapidity of consumers these days could just cost them their retirement.
Fear of having to dig into retirement money to financially help one’s family—that is, adult children, siblings, in-laws, or aging parents. When Barry’s wife explained to him that her unemployed mother was cashing in her IRA to buy a time share, his kinphobia kicked in.
layer caking: [ley-er keyk-ing]
Putting multiple psychological layers of distance between yourself and your money by using money proxies. Herb was layer caking like crazy when he gave the bartender his room number and bought round after round for the group last night.
One who uses his home’s equity like an ATM, while also expecting to fund retirement with it down the road. Before the housing bust, loan ranger Jim could be heard yelling “hi-ho-silver” from the rooftop of his beautiful home, expecting to ride its double-digit appreciation into the sunset of retirement.
monelerious: [mun-ih-lair-ee-uhs]
The state of being wildly incorrect in one’s thinking about any given money matter. Investors were monelerious before the meltdown—expecting double-digit returns on their portfolios and home values to double in the next five years.
The state of being emotionally sound and realistic about monetary decisions. Shelley’s monelistic attitude about her finances allowed her to remove her emotions from her retirement strategy and create a long-term plan with the potential to reach her retirement goals.
neuro squabble: [noo-roh skwob-uhl]
The classic power struggle between one’s left brain (reason) and one’s right brain (emotion). Gary’s neuro squabble lasted for two days when deciding whether to invest his bonus in the stock market or use it to purchase a flat-screen TV. Unfortunately for his retirement account, his right brain won out.
The state of being overwhelmed by the numbers and equations one must contemplate to plan their financial future. After spending the evening determining how much money he and his wife would need for a comfortable retirement, Mark was completely numbertose.
Realizing that you really should have started planning for retirement years ago. After John completed the online retirement calculator, he was struck with a severe case of ohnosis.
plastic surgery: [plas-tik sur-juh-ree]
Any kind of major change in lifestyle that’s designed to eliminate credit card dependence or debt. Rita and Bob are undergoing plastic surgery to get their finances in line.
Incivility of a family member squabbling over an inheritance. Margaret’s oldest daughter was simply probatious after the funeral.
retirementology: [ri-tahyuhr-muhnt-ol-uh-jee]
A new way of thinking about retirement planning that considers both psychology and finance against a backdrop of the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression.
What happened to the retirement hopes and dreams of Americans after the meltdown. Roger and Dee both had to take on second jobs thanks to retirewent.
shadow millionaire: [shad-oh mil-yuh-nair]
Person fortunate enough to still receive a guaranteed pension for life. No one would have guessed that retired schoolteacher, Miss Miller, was indeed a shadow millionaire.
The small but numerous and vague tax charges on phone bills, hotel bills, utility bills, and so on. Amanda was outraged by all the little sneakers that added up to over $14 on her phone bill.
The government’s continual raising of taxes. In recent years, the tax racket had taken its toll on Jim’s monthly expenses.
The painful process of being taxed to death by the government. George and his wife packed up and moved from California to Texas to avoid taxadermy.
Overconfidence in one’s ability to remain healthy, often resulting in a lack of critical financial healthcare planning. He was vigoristic about not needing long-term care insurance.
Irrationally believing that one can tune out retirement-related decisions because he is not yet “in the zone.” Because he did not plan on retiring for 15 more years, Andy zoned out on his retirement planning.
Over-caffeinated, over-stimulated Boomers spending $5–$20 a day on brown liquid. That zoomer was so hyped up on his macchiato with an extra shot that he couldn’t sit still during the board meeting.