The Violet

Down in a green and shady bed,

A modest violet grew;

Its stalk was bent, it hung its head

As if to hide from view.

 

And yet it was a lovely flower,

Its colour bright and fair;

It might have graced a rosy bower,

Instead of hiding there.

 

Yet thus it was content to bloom,

In modest tints arrayed;

And there diffused a sweet perfume,

Within the silent shade.

 

Then let me to the valley go

This pretty flower to see;

That I may also learn to grow

In sweet humility.

—Jane Taylor

The dilemma of true humility is captured so well by Ms. Taylor. Can we possess all of our beauty in such a way that we are content living in a “green and shady bed”? Can we enjoy all of our greatness while being content with being ordinary? This may not be such an easy task!

The Humility Element

Humility is quite simple to understand. Merriam‐Webster defines humility as “the quality or state of not thinking you are better than other people: the quality or state of being humble.”

For the purpose of the Circle we will define humility as having an accurate opinion of your talents, accomplishments, and limitations and keeping them in perspective. Humility is eliminating your self‐focus to the point of forgetting yourself.

We have determined that there are five factors that make up the humility domain.

1. Modesty is the absence of the need to have your accomplishments seen and valued by others. Instead, it is being content with the inner satisfaction of knowing you have done the right thing and/or that you did your best work. Modesty is the ability to see your value realistically and not by comparing yourself to others. Those high in modesty are confident enough in themselves to know their own value but also to know that even if their abilities are greater than those of others in some way, that does not make them better. People low in modesty like to show off their gifts and accomplishments. They think they know it all and will remind others of this fact often; they are “showy” about their abilities.

There is a phenomenon that psychologists refer to as “illusory superiority” or the “better than average effect.” While it is mathematically impossible for most people to be above average given the average is, by definition the middle, when asked, people consistently believe they are above average. In one striking study, 94 percent of professors rated themselves as above average, and we've all heard the classic story that most drivers believe they are better than the average driver. Why? Why can't we be moderate in assessments of our own ability or accomplishments or value? Why do we instead, tend to overestimate our worth relative to others? When we do this, we rob others of their value and set ourselves up for inaccurate, and unnecessary, comparisons that lead to pain in various forms, and, at high levels, can become narcissism.

2. Narcissism is the tendency to be preoccupied with being special and feeling superior to others. Narcissism leads to self‐focus; grandiose, and sometimes unrealistic dreams and expectations; a willingness to take excessive risk; and the need to prove one's superiority by external accomplishments like advanced degrees from the right schools, material possessions, titles, and pedigrees. Narcissism can lead to the exploitation of others and a manipulative interpersonal style. Highly narcissistic people have an excessive interest in, or even love of, themselves. They tend to have a high level of self‐obsession, believing everyone wants to hear their stories or watch their actions, and they might even take offense when others do not give them the attention they expect. Those low in narcissism lack this over‐the‐top self‐obsession and instead, are more neutral; they will share stories and actions but also listen to and watch others with an equal interest.

Perhaps you are familiar with the Greek myth of young Narcissus. One day Narcissus was walking in the woods when Echo, an Oread (mountain nymph), saw him, fell deeply in love and followed him. Narcissus sensed he was being followed and shouted, “Who's there?” Echo repeated, “Who's there?” She eventually revealed her identity and attempted to embrace him. He stepped away and told her to leave him alone. She was heartbroken and spent the rest of her life in lonely glens until nothing but an echo sound remained of her. Nemesis, the goddess of revenge, learned of this story and decided to punish Narcissus. She lured him to a pool where he saw his own reflection. He didn't realize it was only an image and fell in love with it. He eventually realized that his love could not be consummated and committed suicide.

This is such a common error in our world. Men and women come to see that which is special in themselves and become so enamored with themselves that they become the focus and center of their world. They become attached to being treated as if they are special and so demand such treatment wherever they go. They come to believe they deserve a certain standard of living to such a degree that if it is threatened or begins to fall away, they resort to all manner of deception to prop it up. They carry themselves with such swagger and exaggerated self‐confidence that they are prone to excesses of every sort. Their preoccupation with their uniqueness distorts their ability to see how they might truly be most useful (and important) in the world.

We see examples of such distorted self‐love in many areas of life. Divas and rock stars sometimes believe their own hype and come to expect to be adored by thronging fans. Professional sports figures can't accept retirement even when it is obvious their playing days have passed. CEOs, military leaders, and politicians begin to think that they are untouchable and can write their own rules for life. They become like big balloons filled with their self‐aggrandizement that rise but only for a while. At some point, their distortion cannot be sustained and they fall to earth, often with tragic consequences for themselves and for others.

3. Self‐monitoring is the ability to see oneself accurately and so to understand how effectively you are interacting with those around you. Consider a computer, television, or science monitor—a dictionary might define this as “a device for observing.” It seems overly simple, perhaps, but that is a pretty accurate definition. All of us possess such a monitor for ourselves. We can observe our actions. Those higher in self‐monitoring possess the ability to respond to what they see in that monitor and make corrections in response to the circumstances. They notice how others respond to what is being done or said and make adjustments when necessary, such as clarifying statements when it is clear that others do not understand something that they have said. Those lower in self‐monitoring may not notice what they are observing or may not care, and, as a result, they do not make changes that are needed, given their observations.

The problem of lacking adequate self‐monitoring is common enough to be the subject of Robert Sutton's interesting book with the unusual (and hopefully not too offensive) title, The No Asshole Rule. He asserts there are two tests for spotting someone acting like an asshole.

We all know people who lack proper self‐monitoring. They are the people who stand too close to you when they talk and have no idea they are making you uncomfortable. They are the ones who talk too much at lunch and aren't aware that they leave no room for anyone else to speak. They say the most outlandish things and don't imagine that anyone would be offended. They just don't have a clue.

• Test One: After talking to the alleged asshole, does the “target” feel oppressed, humiliated, de‐energized, or belittled by the person? In particular, does the target feel worse about him or herself?
• Test Two: Does the alleged asshole aim his or her venom at people who are less powerful rather than at those people who are more powerful?

Sutton goes on to list his “Dirty Dozen” common everyday actions that assholes use:

1. Personal insults
2. Invading one's “personal territory”
3. Uninvited physical contact
4. Threats and intimidation, both verbal and nonverbal
5. Sarcastic jokes and teasing used to insult delivery systems
6. Withering e‐mail flames
7. Status slaps intended to humiliate their victims
8. Public shaming or “status degradation” rituals
9. Rude interruptions
10. Two‐faced attacks
11. Dirty looks
12. Treating people as if they are invisible

Perhaps you have worked for someone like this. Or, perhaps you have treated others in some of these ways. It is not a pleasant experience to work for or with someone who is behaving in this manner. Developing the ability to self‐monitor and catch ourselves going down a path toward these actions, and ultimately, stopping them before they occur, is a key aspect of humility.

4. Self‐esteem is a word with two parts: self and esteem. In what level of esteem do you hold yourself? Those higher in self‐esteem hold themselves in a healthy esteem, that is, they view themselves with a level of regard. They don't feel the need to prove anything to others, rather, they have confidence in their abilities and skills. They are confident in their value and their abilities without being narcissistic. Those with lower self‐esteem are not confident that what they offer the world is enough, and instead, question their worth and value. They tend to feel inadequate. This can lead to many maladaptive behaviors such as concealing, pretending, and overcompensating. People with low self‐esteem tend to imagine others are better than they are and become focused on others instead of placing their attention on their own journey.

Self‐esteem is about loving yourself just the way you are. This seems so simple, yet it can be difficult to do. Inputs from media, friends, and our own thoughts constantly tell us to lose weight, make more money, be funnier, smarter, and so on. Gaining perspective and loving those things about ourselves that make us special is key to having good self‐esteem.

5. Tolerance is the ability to be accepting of yourself and of others as well as of the situation you are in. People high in tolerance rarely, if ever, judge others. They make room for the differences of those around them, are accepting of mistakes, and are gracious in forgiving those who transgress against them. At the same time, they do not view circumstances that might be different from what they would like as unacceptable. Rather, they handle differences—with others—with a level of grace. People who are low on tolerance are just the opposite. They are quick to judge, slow to forgive, and open to take advantage of the weaknesses and mistakes of others to gain advantage. They also tend to act out, both toward others simply because they have differences like skin color or political beliefs and toward circumstances that are different from what they view as optimal.

A friend was riding on the elevated train into the city on a busy Tuesday morning. He had an important meeting and was dressed in his best suit. Gradually the train filled with commuters and every seat was taken. He offered his seat to an elderly African American woman. As he stood in that train car, he noticed that he was surrounded by people who looked very different from him. They were Hispanic laborers, young students on the way to class, and African American folks like the old lady. At first, he felt the differentness in their lives and he had a jolt of superiority. But, then the strangest thing happened. As he looked around, he had this overwhelming sense of belonging. These were people just like him. Everyone belongs to the same family. It was one of the best feelings he had ever had; the sense of belonging to a group of strangers whom he would never see again. He longs to live in that sense every day he lives.

Our friend discovered the value of tolerance and it changed him. He experienced humility in all of its wonderful power.

Three Models for Seeing Yourself

Hubris

Hubris is characterized as seeing yourself as bigger and more important than you are and being unable or unwilling to see your connectedness to or the true value of the world around you. You see hubris in those who overestimate their accomplishments and carry themselves with too much self‐importance.

Humility Chapter Summary

Humility is the quality or state of not thinking you are better than others. For the purpose of the Circle we have defined humility as having an accurate opinion of your talents, accomplishments, and limitations and keeping them in the biggest of all perspectives. Humility is eliminating your self‐focus to the point of forgetting yourself in order to see your value in making a positive difference in the world around you.

Each of the five factors increase humility by:

• Acting with modesty, which includes reducing the need to be the center of attention, talking about yourself, and showing off in front of others. Understanding and looking for the reasons that you are just like everyone else, while also recognizing that you are special, will also increase humility for this factor.
• Being less narcissistic and increasing humility by focusing less on what makes you special and seeing yourself as being like everyone else. Understanding your similarity, not through comparison, but through simple values and common life needs and desires (e.g., affection, humor, sickness) is critical to expanding humility. Standing in line, waiting your turn, listening before expressing your needs, hard manual labor (e.g., yard work), and avoiding taking advantage of those less fortunate (e.g., intellectually, physically, financially) will increase humility and reduce narcissistic tendencies.
• Increasing self‐awareness is the first step toward increasing humility through self‐monitoring behaviors. These behaviors allow you to progress toward balance through effective internal feedback. Only when you can see yourself accurately and choose how you show up in the world around you can you grow and mature.
• Increasing your comfort level with yourself builds self‐esteem, which increases levels of humility. Strong self‐esteem reduces the need to boast or show off to prove your sense of being adequate. Knowing your strengths and taking responsibility for your decisions also increases self‐esteem and, thus, humility.
• Increasing tolerance for others increases humility. This includes trusting others, forgiving others for their transgressions, and seeing your own weaknesses rather than judging the weaknesses and shortcomings of others. Tolerance is about acceptance, kindness, and grace.

Each of the same five factors can decrease your humility by:

1. Acting without modesty by being arrogant, bragging, and standing out in the crowd and talking about yourself reduces humility. Similarly, having a lack of appreciation for the good things that have happened in your life and the grace you have received interferes with your ability to develop humility.
2. Confronting narcissism is a normal part of our development. Young children tend to be narcissistic when they first encounter their independence. We call it the “terrible twos.” Teenagers tend to be narcissistic as they seek their own identity and become wrapped up in themselves. Adult narcissism is a bigger issue, especially when it persists and resists being tempered. Narcissistic/Machiavellian tendencies that reduce humility include believing things are owed to you, expecting special treatment, and manipulating others to achieve your personal goals; these significantly reduce humility.
3. Lacking self‐monitoring behaviors—including a lack of self‐awareness, poor ability to control your emotions, and impulsive and reckless acting out to attain your wants and needs—stand in the way of the cultivation of mature humility.
4. Feeling sorry for yourself, being overly harsh toward yourself, and refusing to take 100 percent responsibility for your choices and their outcomes reduce self‐esteem and undermine true humility. Low self‐esteem masquerades as humility, but true humility is built on the foundation of self‐confidence and faith in oneself.
5. Having low regard for those in need, believing that an eye for an eye is just, and lacking the desire to forgive all reduce tolerance for others and humility. A high level of tolerance leads to the opportunity for grace, which is the pinnacle of humility.

Questions to Better Understand Your Mastery of Humility

• Of whom are you jealous? What motivates you to want what they have?
• Are you taking credit for anything for which you are not truly responsible? Are you willing to give it up?
• How do you identify yourself? Is it in your uniqueness or in that which you have in common with others?
• Where do you show kindness and care for others?
• Do people experience you as caring or do they find you difficult and overbearing?
• What have you learned from your failure and loss?
• When do you most easily find yourself connected to the world?
• How could you expand your service to the world?
• Who are you trying to make small to make yourself seem bigger?
• How are you disrespectful, neglectful, or abusive to those around you?
• How could you shift to create a positive and uplifting impact?

Steps to Increase Modesty Behaviors

1. Notice when are extolling your own virtues. Ask yourself what drives you to do so and if you can be content simply being yourself.
2. Choose to not make yourself the center of attention. Instead, make others the focus of your attention.
3. Delight in the ordinary parts of yourself and the ways you are like everyone else. Look for and appreciate the common ground between yourself and others.
4. Be aware of feelings of superiority. Once aware of these feelings, work to avoid them. If you're smarter, that's fine; this doesn't make you better than any other person. Recognize that your unique gifts may make you special and more capable than others in some ways, but that others have gifts that make them more capable than you in other ways.

Steps to Reduce Narcissistic Behaviors

1. Become more aware of your narcissistic tendencies. Notice when you find yourself feeling superior to those around you or when you expect to be treated in a special manner. Challenge those thoughts with the ways you are similar to others.
2. Become a better listener. A core deficit that defines narcissistic behavior is self‐centeredness. Listening to others will be of great help in reducing your narcissistic tendencies. Practice reframing what you are hearing to check if you are hearing others accurately.
3. Consider how you can use your gifts and talents for the betterment of humanity. Focus your gifts on making the world a better place instead of using them for your own benefit.
4. Focus on expressing your love and care as often as possible. Narcissists keep a cool distance. They avoid being open and vulnerable. Practice serving those around you in practical ways. Jesus washed the feet of his disciples. He did so as a lesson in leadership. He who wants to be the leader of all must become the servant of all. What a powerful lesson!

Steps to Improve Self‐Monitoring

1. Create a relationship with a trusted adviser. This is one of the primary values of an executive or life coach. Powerful people sometimes have great difficulty finding someone who will give them honest feedback. So many people benefit from pleasing the boss by reflecting his greatness that they would never dream of telling the emperor that he is wearing no clothes. A trusted adviser will give honest, candid feedback in real time.
2. Instead of measuring yourself against the reflection of greatness you receive from others, create clear performance metrics tied to concrete goals. Gain your feedback from what you actually accomplish rather than from flattery.
3. Understand where pride is your enemy. Pay attention to phrases like “What's done is done,” or “She will get over it.” These are clear indications that you have done something that your pride is trying to cover up. You have likely overstepped your bounds and your unconscious self is aware of your misdeed.

Steps to Improve Self‐Esteem

1. Notice when you are comparing yourself to others. Ask yourself what you are learning about yourself by the comparison. Gently shift your focus to noticing your strengths and weaknesses without judging yourself as better or worse than others.
2. Take stock of your strengths and weaknesses. Create a composite that includes both and consider how that mix equips you to have an effective and meaningful life.
3. Create goals that fit your unique complement of strengths and weaknesses. How can you expand and develop your unique life?
4. It is okay to admire great qualities in others without feeling less than they. Begin by complimenting and appreciating the qualities you value in others. This will ease your need to compete.
5. Above all else, don't try to be perfect. No one is.

Steps to Improve Tolerance

1. Take a few minutes to recall those who showed tolerance to you. Remember the benefit you received from being accepted and forgiven when it was not merited. Consider the benefit you gained from the tolerance of others. Now consider the benefit you can bring to others in your life by showing tolerance to them.
2. Notice how your judgments create division. Practice looking beyond your judgments to that which you and your adversaries have in common. What are you both trying to achieve? Is there a way you can get there together? Learn to look at all situations through the lens of tolerance.