INTRODUCTION

Moving from Competence to Confidence

We just decided to go out there and be aggressive and be strong and courageous and not be afraid.

—Gabby Douglas, American Olympic gymnast

In order to be truly confident, it’s critical to understand the delicate relationship between competence and confidence as they apply to our workplace brand as well as our leadership potential. Both are equally important, but for too long it seems women have relied on competence rather than confidence to show off their skills.

As a result, we find ourselves at a point in time when there are more women in the workforce than ever, yet we remain woefully underrepresented in leadership positions at the top, or even the near top.

According to the Center for American Progress, “Women … hold almost 52 percent of all professional-level jobs … and since 2002, have outnumbered men in earning undergraduate business degrees. And yet, women have not moved up to positions of prominence and power in America at anywhere near the rate that they should have based on their representation and early successes in higher education and in the entry-level workforce.”

There are so many reasons why this observation is so dreadfully accurate that it would take reams of paper to list them all. That’s not my intention. This book isn’t about men in the workplace. Men are not the enemy. This is about connecting with our own power as leaders and taking ownership of the areas in which we can effect change.

This book is about what you can do right now, today, to turn the tide in your life. For most of my 30 years in corporate America, I lived the workplace reality described in the Center for American Progress quote. This book is about how I beat the odds by overcoming the obstacles, detours, and roadblocks in my path to success.

What I’ve discovered along my own personal journey to authenticity, leadership, and career satisfaction is that competence is absolutely critical to success. You must be good at what you do. You must exceed expectations. But competence is only half the equation. You need to combine it with confidence to truly crack the code.

Growth Comes from Within: Tapping into Your Core of Confidence

Writing for The Atlantic magazine, Katty Kay and Claire Shipman, authors of the book The Confidence Code: The Science and Art of Self-Assurance—What Women Should Know (Harper-Business, 2014), provide a great definition of confidence. “Confidence is not, as we once believed, just feeling good about yourself,” they write. “If women simply needed a few words of reassurance, they’d have commandeered the corner office long ago. Perhaps the clearest, and most useful, definition of confidence we came across was the one supplied by Richard Petty, a psychology professor at Ohio State University, who has spent decades focused on the subject. ‘Confidence,’ he told us, ‘is the stuff that turns thoughts into action.’”

Renowned executive and life coach Gail Blanke defines confidence as “An attitude that starts with the conviction that you’re here for a reason and that you are so much more powerful, so much better, so much more necessary to the world than you have any idea.”

Jennifer Dieas, the Founder and CEO of tanning services Golden Girl Chicago and Glowout Salon, defines confidence as “… the ability to go from trial to trial without letting it break your spirit. There are daily turbulent situations that we could go through, but if you’re confident and you believe in your vision and what you’re doing and your purpose, then it never rattles you too much, because you always can come back to that center of knowing what you’re doing and what your purpose is.”

So, what does it mean to possess The Confidence Effect? It means confidence to the core—the place where we’re the most powerful, the most authentic, the most self-reliant, and the most connected to our skills and abilities. If you hang out in a gym or talk to a personal trainer or just keep up with fitness magazines or websites, you hear a lot about building your core because that’s where you’re flexible and have the most strength.

I like the idea of the core as it relates to confidence for women, in particular, because that is where we house our strength and power—where we find our voice. And by strengthening our confidence and connecting it to our competence, we can become more powerful in our organizations and in our lives. It is from our cores that we move forward into the types of leadership positions that now exist mostly in our dreams.

I developed The Confidence Effect gradually over more than 30 years of experience working with women. I facilitated executive leadership programs for 13 years, was an executive in the talent space, and now I operate a unique leadership institute that helps high-potential women become high-impact leaders.

Experts in the field such as McKinsey and the Harvard Business Review have compiled a ton of research that I could quote extensively. But instead of dispensing facts, I want to have a conversation about the many women I see who simply are not moving beyond a certain level in their organizations.

They are, in a word, stuck. They’ve been working deep in the trenches, outperformed their contemporaries, led teams or maybe even divisions, but the corner office or even senior management seems to elude them. Why? What’s holding them back?

Gravitas: Grit at the Center of Confidence

When you talk to women about those questions, their answers are rarely about performance. Instead, they usually talk about confidence—and specifically about women’s hesitancy to take risks, speak up, stand out, or even raise our hands. We question our own competence, feel like we’re under a microscope, and perhaps even feel unable to meet the demands of leadership positions. As a result, we miss out on building the relationships and workplace brand that can put us where we want to go and give us the confidence we need to take risks, believe in ourselves, and perform to our potential.

An extension of our core confidence is the power we bring or don’t bring—to our workplace roles. Gravitas is the presence we feel deep down inside. Merriam-Webster defines it as “high seriousness (as in a person’s bearing or in the treatment of a subject).” Without this air of gravitas—the sense of weight and “grit” deep in our guts—it’s hard to feel the confidence we need to lead: to lead ourselves, our teams, our divisions, and, ultimately, our organizations.

Citing gravitas as a key ingredient of executive presence, the Center for Talent Integration describes it as encompassing confidence, poise under pressure, and decisiveness. Gravitas lends an air of credibility—of gravity—to our actions. It adds weight, depth, and character to our personalities, and it allows us to temper our emotions with data, analysis, and proven, delivered results. I call this grit. It’s the ability to stand your ground and express your strength in an appropriate, professional manner.

I often use the wonderful expression “No grit, no pearl” to remind my clients of their need to “stand over their own power”—not to waiver, but to own the moment, to feel the grit, and to stand strong. Gail Blanke agrees. “The importance of grit—or resilience—is that most of us don’t know how good we are until we get to the hard part and the power of persistence and simply keeping going and refusing to cave, which is always very tempting,” she says.

Lily Kelly-Radford, Ph.D., President of LEAP Leadership, Inc., an executive coaching firm, explains, “Gravitas lets you know that you’re in the company of a real leader…. [I]t is showing grace under pressure. It involves intellectual horsepower, but it also decisiveness—and showing teeth. In other words, demonstrating that you can stand alone on an issue whether people agree with you or not, but not as a hostile person; it’s not always feeling like you have to fold.”

So if women are not showing up confidently, proudly, and ready and willing to lead, if we’re not raising our hands or stepping forward with that grit and power behind us, then, typically, the organization overlooks us and promotes men. Why? Because men tend to exhibit those traits even if they’re not as competent. They show up, stand out, raise their hands, take charge—even take command—regardless of whether they possess the skills such leadership positions demand.

If we strengthen our cores, if we focus on getting to the heart of the matter and positioning ourselves in a way that is both competent and confident, then we have the power within us to show up, stand out, and lead in a way that’s authentic to our true and inner strengths. We don’t have to wait until we are fully confident to begin to exhibit confident behaviors. We can, in fact, “act as if” and “fake it till we make it.” Ines Temple, President and CEO of Lee Hecht Harrison, Peru, shares, “I learned some mantras years ago that I repeat to myself when I’m in certain situations. They are ‘I’m strong, I’m able, and I’m calm.’ After repeating them to myself several times, I start feeling better and believing in myself again. The other one is ‘I’m disciplined, I’m energized, and I’m inspired.’ These all do wonders for my self-esteem.”

Success is about striking the right balance between competence and confidence. And let me say right off the bat: Confidence alone won’t cut it. Bravado, bluster, and popularity alone won’t get you where you want to go. We’ve all known supremely confident men and women who, despite their gravitas, simply don’t execute. They don’t deliver, they don’t delegate, and they don’t meet deadlines. They use emotions rather than facts and logic. As a result, they are incompetent.

We must be careful not to assume that success is merely a case of “inserting confidence” and solving all of our workplace troubles. Just like at the gym, if you work only on your core and you don’t build up your cardio strength, then you won’t be fit overall. Similarly, if you’re confident but you lack important qualities such as business acumen and the knowledge of how to build relationships, you do not have what it takes to lead.

Showing Up, Standing Out, and Taking Charge: The 4 Rs of Success

This book will systematically teach you—or perhaps remind you—how to gain confidence so that it enhances and accelerates the competence you already possess. The path we’ll take is what I call my 4 Rs of Success:

• Relationships. We can’t go it alone, nor should we try. Relationships are at the center of The Confidence Effect because they allow us to network in a way that accelerates both our personal and career growth.
• Reputation. How you perceive yourself has a huge influence on how others perceive you. Reputations, like respect, are earned. This book will show you how to let what’s inside out so that you can show more of your true, authentic self at work—and everyplace else.
• Results. If we are to believe in ourselves and allow others to believe in us, we must deliver results. Confidence is like a mirror we hold up to reflect our accomplishments; the more we deliver, the more confidence we have.
• Resilience. Finally, we must have the big picture in mind to weather the storms, rise to the challenges, and avoid the potholes and outright roadblocks that are part and parcel of our ultimate journey to success. According to Sophia A. Nelson, author of The Woman Code: 20 Powerful Keys to Unlock Your Life (Revell, 2014), “Being resilient is really what life’s all about. It really comes down to that. Life is going to knock you down. Life is going to challenge you, it’s going to test you, it’s going to push you, it’s going to pull you, it’s going to do a lot to you … and you’ve got to be ready for that.” All of us will stumble and fail over our lifetimes and careers. Resilience is the ability to bounce back.

At the heart of each R you will find confidence. That’s because it’s important for women not only to step up and say “I’ve got this,” but also to really believe it.

Take It from Me: Confidence Counts

This book isn’t based entirely on science. Nor is it based exclusively on the status of the women I coach, counsel, speak to, and engage with.

Some comes from personal experience. Case in point: the numerous promotions I did not get. In hindsight, I recognize that it was less about not getting promoted than it was about not raising my hand and promoting myself for the position. Until I was in my 30s I lived in that “good girl” space. You know the one I’m talking about. If I work hard and keep my head down—and say “yes” to everything, and put my family, my health, my very life on hold—then I will ultimately get noticed, get promoted, and it will have been worth it.

Working for a large national retailer, I missed out on opportunities because I was unable, or unwilling, to recognize my own worth. There I was, managing human resources for 4,000 employees and making $58,000 a year, and not once in 13 years did I ask for a raise, promotion, or title improvement. I just thought that as long as I was “good,” I would get rewarded. But the truth was, not only did I not get rewarded but I wasn’t even regarded! And when I did finally ask to be promoted from manager to director, I was told “no” without an explanation or opportunity to discuss the reasons.

Looking back, this moment was a turning point. I was in shock that the company I had believed in didn’t believe in me, and I realized something about myself that day: I had neither the confidence nor the skills to ask for what I wanted and to position it professionally, not emotionally. According to Sophia A. Nelson, “I think the biggest factor in determining whether or not a woman is confident and able to successfully pursue her desires and dreams is if she knows her value. And if she doesn’t know her value as a woman or as a person, she’ll never have confidence.”

I believe that as women, we expect to be treated fairly. When that doesn’t happen, we grow frustrated, and sometimes we leave. That’s exactly what I did. I quit the company I was with for 13 years because I felt disillusioned, disappointed, and, frankly, disrespected.

When I look back, though I’m glad I left the organization, I realize I mismanaged the situation in part by letting it go on for too long. Who knows what my future there might have held if only I’d had the confidence to treat myself as well as I expected the company to treat me.

But regret and resentment are a waste of time. It’s like trying to drive a car when you’re looking only in the rearview mirror. The experience turned out to be an opportunity and a lesson.

Later on in my career, I learned how to ask for things. Once, after I had been given a significantly bigger role in an organization, with one day’s notice and no additional money or title change, I told my boss that if the company wanted me to continue to work in that capacity, senior management had to make a decision: I deserved to have my compensation and a title commensurate with the added responsibility. Rather than get emotional about it like I had earlier in my career, I built and presented a business case for the promotion—and I was, in fact, promoted.

Even then, the role wasn’t necessarily “given” to me. It was not a slam dunk. I had to quantify where I was able to improve the business. I had to make a business case to show that I deserved the promotion. The lead was, “Here are the ways in which I am impacting the business …”

Keep in mind that I couldn’t have walked into that corner office and asked for that title change and promotion if I hadn’t already delivered; that was the key to my competence and my confidence.

You have to be able to back up what you’re saying. It’s not just about being confident, and it’s never about being overconfident. Lisa Chang, senior vice president of human resources for the AMB Group, explains, “Sometimes when I am interviewing young professionals coming into the workplace, I appreciate the kind of vigor with which they approach things, but it’s clear that they’re overconfident, that they don’t have the credentials to back it up, and I would prefer that they would just be eager but sort of admit to the things that they hadn’t done yet. Because if you are on the other side of the table and you have 20 or 30 years’ worth of experience and you are looking at what this new person may or may not have done, the way they speak and the confidence that they project, it is that borderline between confidence and arrogance.”

Everything I teach—and everything in this book—is designed around actually delivering results. You can only go so far on your relationships and your reputation. You’ve got to cross the finish line. At some point, you have to show up as a leader even if you don’t have the title. All of those things show up as the dynamics that affect your own personal leadership brand. You must combine your competence with your confidence.

The Fine Art of Bragging

How do you self-promote in a healthy way? How do you brag without appearing cocky? Or is it okay for women to be cocky? I believe that if we can deliver, we shouldn’t minimize our gifts and talents. As Muhammad Ali once said, “It ain’t bragging if you can back it up.”

If you’re positive about your own skill set, folks tend to believe you; they’ll want to work with you, for you, or on your behalf. Conversely, if you’re working with someone who is critical of her own skills, you start to believe her. There is research that supports the concept of positive disclosure. People like to work with others who are comfortable saying they are good at something.

But there’s a fine line between positive disclosure and boasting. I believe that too often, as women, we err on the side of caution and shy away from being what we think is “prideful.” Perhaps we do this because we fear it can make us targets to shoot down. Or maybe we don’t believe we can back up our own self-praise. The good news is that you don’t need to put up your own billboard to self-promote. If you are able to talk confidently about your skill set—and of course back it up with results—it can actually be seen as a positive. The trick is finding that healthy balance between confidence and overconfidence, between making promises and delivering results. Too often we minimize what we do when what we do is actually pretty darn special!

For example, let’s say you are the top fundraiser for an organization and someone says, “Congrats, you are our Number 1 fundraiser!” Our first instinct may be to immediately wave it off: “Oh, no, I just got lucky.”

Quite often, rather than owning our participation in successful events, we attribute our accomplishments to luck. Even when complimented, we have the tendency to be uncomfortable taking praise. We need to learn how to take compliments, to just own it and say “thank you” and be proud of the things we’ve done. Because when we deflect a compliment, people are watching. They may believe that we’re not good enough, that we didn’t deserve it, we didn’t earn it, and it was easier than it looked.

Accepting compliments makes them real, not just to us but to others as well. I spoke to a woman recently who’d received industry recognition. When I said I was proud of her and congratulated her on her accomplishment, she said, “They must have run out of people to nominate.” That’s like taking your power, throwing it on the ground, and stomping on it. Even if she thought the attention was embarrassing, a simple “thank you” would have sufficed.

The key to unlocking confidence lies within. When it comes to self-promotion, we are our own worst enemies. Throughout this book I will share special tools, tips, and strategies for how to comfortably build that confidence from within so that it radiates outward.

The Takeaway

Allow me to make one more case for confidence, and it’s a biggie: For me, confidence is the ultimate game changer. I would love you to take a mental snapshot of yourself right now, while you are at the beginning of this book, and then again once you’ve reached the end. My hope for you—and my goal in writing this book—is that you walk away with the tools and insights you need to become more confident than you were when you began. Simple changes, applied over time, can make a significant shift not only in how others see you but how you see yourself.

Let us officially recognize, here and now, that your confidence and your competence are equally important—that your ability to do the work is valuable—but as you try to grow and learn as a leader, it may become an issue if you can’t lift yourself up and ask for what you want.

Being competent without being confident is like working alone in the dark. You may be able to get your work done, but who would know about it? Confidence allows you to shine a light on your ability—without bragging or “billboarding.” It’s about turning the light on so people can see what you are doing—and ultimately provide you with the opportunities you seek.

At the end of the day, we are the CEO of our own lives. We spend too much time worrying about being a beacon for others as opposed to finding out what we are doing to illuminate and create our own power. Your power will lift others, for sure, but you’ve got to believe that you are more than the sum of your parts. You must be able to say, “I’ve got this!”

Confidence isn’t static. It means constantly auditing yourself and putting a light on your best skills. Confidence is attractive. It multiplies and invites others to share in your success. And that’s what makes it a game changer!

So as the CEO of your own life and career, if you are ready to change your game, embrace new challenges, reach new heights, and embrace the leader you were born to be, I invite you to turn the page and begin your journey to greater confidence and, ultimately, to success and happiness.