LOVE YOUR FRIENDS AND YOUR ENEMIES

You have heard that it was said, “You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.” But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be children of your father in heaven; for he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet only your brothers and sisters, what more are you doing than others? (Matt. 5: 43–47)

Once again, Jesus’ teaching poses a tremendous challenge. In addressing the centerpiece of his entire message—love—he teaches that we should offer this precious gift to everyone, even those we cannot imagine loving. Here Jesus is preaching a serious lesson about love that is in stark contrast to the frivolous way that love is frequently treated in our culture. Too often, love is viewed as an everyday commodity that can be bartered and consumed in our pursuit of wants and pleasures.

A kind of caricature of this idea is provided by a popular beer commercial from years ago that featured a man who apparently above all else wanted the advertised brand of beer. He tried a number of strategies to get what he wanted, but when all else failed he resorted to those ultimate words. He simply said, with much hyperbolic emotion, “I love you, man.” Few commercials have struck such a positive chord with the public. I believe this reaction is due, at least in part, to our embarrassed recognition that love has become something we all too often withhold and use in exchange for receiving something in return. It was a funny commercial and a lot of its success was due to the comic nonverbal behavior of the beer-seeking actor. Nevertheless, the words he used are among the most powerful that any of us will ever hear—“I love you.” Perhaps the use of those powerful words to weasel out of another person something as ordinary as a beer created such a striking contrast that it is hard not to laugh at the contradiction.

In this lesson, however, Jesus challenges us to embrace an even more dramatic contradiction. In fact, the contrast is so great that it moves well beyond the level of humor to that of the proverbial whack on the head with a two-by-four. He directs us to love not only our friends and neighbors but our enemies as well. Perhaps if he had used the word tolerate, or even told us to “like” our enemies, it wouldn’t be so difficult to take in. But he says if we love only those who treat us well, we are no better than tax collectors (a group that in his day was at the bottom of the heap, and I’m sure that many will want to point out that they’re not all that popular today either).

Why would Jesus instruct us to do something that seems so unnatural, that seems almost impossible to do sincerely? Some people might be able to force themselves, as an act of self-righteous sacrifice, to behave as though they cared about an enemy, but to really love a true enemy—that just seems like too much to expect. However, Jesus did offer some clues as to why this is such an important, though seemingly very odd goal to pursue. One piece of advice in particular sheds some light on the challenge of this lesson. He said,

Come to terms quickly with your accuser while you are on the way to court with him, or your accuser may hand you over to the judge, and the judge to the guard, and you will be thrown into prison. Truly I tell you, you will never get out until you have paid the last penny. (Matt. 5: 25–26)

Ironically, following Jesus’ prescriptions very often ends up benefiting us, even when they outwardly appear to be focused on benefiting others. In this case, he teaches that we should settle with our enemies so they won’t attack us later—straightforward and sensible advice indeed.

A consultant colleague of mine learned this lesson while guiding an organization to change its warehouse operations from a traditional management structure to empowered work teams. Initially several middle managers felt threatened by the pending change and resented the consultant’s input. One manager in particular became openly hostile. He believed that the new system threatened his standing in the company—that he could lose his job. Consequently, he vocally opposed the change and even confronted the consultant, claiming that the new work system would benefit only the consultant. When the change to teams was approved by upper management, the manager reacted by throwing his cigarette lighter across the room.

Clearly the consultant had reason to dislike this manager and even to hope that he would be dismissed from the company. But instead he tried to reassure the manager and communicate how the system could benefit him. He worked to insulate the manager from upper management and to ensure that the new system was approved without threatening his job. Eventually the hostile manager came around. He became a strong supporter of the new system and made several contributions to help the teams succeed. He was particularly instrumental in helping to develop a new language for the team managers’ new roles as facilitators. He was awarded the nickname Wordman by his colleagues to acknowledge his contributions. He even publicly apologized to the consultant for his earlier behavior. He essentially changed from an enemy into a strong ally for the consultant.¹

But there is much more to this lesson than a call to build better external relationships with difficult others. In fact, the realization that we often turn out to be our own worst enemy is a common experience that has contributed to conventional wisdom. If we focus on fighting, perhaps even hating, those who cause us problems, we create some very serious problems for our own health, well-being, and quality of life. Significant evidence has been found that supportive and loving relationships are very important for our mental and physical health. Even expressing and receiving affection from a pet can have significant benefits. Obviously, actively feuding with others is directly contradictory to the way this knowledge suggests we should behave for our own good. In addition, when we hold resentment toward others, in a very real sense we are more intimately bound to them than if we forgive and forget. Frustration and resentment will tend to fester as we resist letting go of wrongs that others have done to us in the past.

This does not imply that we should just continue to let others abuse us, but it does suggest that we should let the past go. Harboring resentment eats away at our insides and keeps us focused on the person whom we least want to focus on. We tend to be preoccupied with thoughts of how badly specific individuals have affected us. Consequently, those persons tend to become the center of our mental world. Ironically, the very persons whom we don’t want to have anything to do with haunt us and become a greater focus than those we really do love and care about. In a sense we join our antagonizers in harming ourselves. Our negative thinking attacks us from the inside.

Conversely, by learning to love even those we consider to be our enemies, not only are we freed from being bound to the object of our inner frustration but we are also able to create yet one more source of positive support and joy in our lives. In essence, by expressing love toward our opponents, we create the conditions that may turn antagonists into colleagues. This, it would seem, is a powerful act of self-serving love. A major theme of this book is how we can empower others to lead themselves. By finding the patience and compassion to help difficult people grow in ways they are capable of, we end up serving ourselves as well as those we are helping to become empowered.

I have enjoyed the benefits of this wise approach many times in my life. At times I have been warned about new or current bosses, colleagues, subordinates, clients, or students. Other times, without having to be warned I have seen the cynical attitudes or difficult behavior of people with whom I have interacted. Nearly without exception I have found that if I resist the temptation to reject these people and withdraw from them and instead try to persist in my attempts to build positive, mutually supportive relationships, I am pleasantly surprised at the results. Many of my best relational experiences have resulted from working at building friendships and partnerships with people I have thought, or was told, were difficult. Now when I am warned to avoid someone, I become curious and hopeful; I wonder if it will turn out to be another opportunity to help someone else and myself to have a positive interpersonal experience. I also sincerely hope that others will do the same with me when I come across as difficult.

The world consists of all kinds of people. Some of these people are bound to clash with us—to have conflicting values, motives, and goals. Nevertheless, they are a real part of our world. I was once given the wise advice that we should seek out those people we dislike because they can reveal something about ourselves. That is, they may reflect, like a living mirror, some aspect of ourselves that we don’t like or with which we are uncomfortable. As a consequence of this advice, in the spirit of learning I have sought out people I am uncomfortable with to engage in a meal or conversation. I have found this to be a very enlightening and worthwhile activity. More often than not I end up finding a lot to like about these persons.

By searching for common ground with the people we work and live with, we help to build a better life for ourselves in our jobs and personal lives. Similarly, if we help others to find themselves, to become less frustrated and more fulfilled in their own lives, they are likely to find the personal empowerment they need to become a better person. We may even discover that we have been more of an enemy to them than they have been to us.

Perhaps Jesus was trying to teach us that as we love others, especially those we least want to love, we are loving ourselves as well. And for leaders who sincerely want to influence positively all those with whom they come into contact, the idea of love is a powerful source of wisdom. Asking the question, is my leadership in this situation consistent with the ideal of expressing real love for the greatest benefit of those I lead? is perhaps the ultimate guide for effective leadership. This is especially true, it would seem, when we lead people we don’t particularly like. Ultimately, the wise leadership to which this kind of thinking guides us is an act of compassionate self-leadership for our own benefit. Maybe the reason Will Rogers never met a man he didn’t like is because he sincerely loved himself.