Of all the things Coach Smitty expected to hear his best friend say was wrong with their team, racism was dead-last on his list. There could be no doubt that what Davey had said was wrong, insensitive, and just plain stupid. But racist? No way!

With his own eyes, Coach Smitty saw the way the boys worked together, and how every player—of every race—followed Davey. They were a team.

Coach Smitty exclaimed, “Rod, don't pull that card on me. We go back too far for that nonsense. How can we have a racism problem? I'm the least racist person I know. If I saw racism, I would call it out. There is no room for that on our team. Every player gets a fair shake from me. If you step on the field in our jersey, it's because you've earned it by your merit, hard work, and dedication.”

Coach Washington maintained eye contact, but said nothing. Coach Smitty continued passionately, “I couldn't hold a kid back because of his color, Rod. I don't even see their color. All I see is the blue and gold of our jerseys. And on top of all of that, you're my best friend, Rod, and you're Black! How can we, of all teams, have a racism problem?”

Coach Washington knew he needed to think deeply about his response. It saddened him to see his friend so oblivious, but he realized that Coach Smitty's justification about there being no racism problem was the same reason that racism so often flies under the radar. He knew his friend's heart, so he knew what Coach Smitty was trying to say. He also knew that Coach Smitty didn't see how his reasoning demonstrated a lack of understanding about what racism is.

Coach Washington wondered if anyone had ever sat down with Coach Smitty to help him understand racism. Probably not, since it was such an uncomfortable and polarizing topic. This team—his best friend—needed to have this conversation. Right now, right here.

Well, Coach Washington thought to himself. Growth takes place outside your comfort zone. Time to grow! Coach Washington prepared to do what he was put on earth to do: coach.

In his head, he prayed a simple prayer: Give me the words to speak. Help me be slow to anger, and full of grace. With each request, he thought about what it was he was asking.

• Give me the words to speak. How often do people get into difficult conversations with their words sharpened and ready to cut another person down? They talk at a person, instead of with a person. They listen not with the intent to understand another person better, but with the intent to win a debate against an opponent. Coach Washington knew that when you let go of your agenda, your weaponized words, and your prejudgments, you have the space to respond with words that will encourage, challenge, and uplift the person you are speaking with. Those were the words he needed to speak to Coach Smitty.
• Help me be slow to anger. Coach Washington lost his mother to cancer during his junior year of college, which made him bitter and angry. Before anger could have a negative impact on his future, his coach saved him by teaching him his “anger rights.”
  1. You have the right to be angry, but you don't have the right to be disrespectful.
  2. You have the right to have anger, but your anger doesn't have the right to have you.
  3. You have the right to get angry, but it's not right to get there too quickly.

     His coach told him, “Rule number three is the most important.” Adding, “If you are always slow to anger, you can check and double check to make sure you are respectful and in control of your anger.”

• Help me be full of grace. Coach Washington's pastor once told him, “Justice is getting what you deserve, like when a criminal is punished for his or her crimes. They did wrong and they received just punishment. But grace is altogether different. Grace is getting what you do not deserve. Like if you wronged someone, and they repaid your wrongness with love and forgiveness.”

The hardest part about giving grace, the pastor taught, was that it always costs the person giving grace more than it costs the person receiving it.

Simple to pray, Coach Washington concluded to himself, but difficult to live out. However, Roderick Washington wasn't one to back down from a challenge. His athletes needed him to speak up; he needed himself to be slow to anger; his best friend needed some grace.

“Okay, Smitty, since we're going to have this conversation, let's make sure we're talking about the same thing, because words are important. Answer me this question: How do you define racism?” Coach Washington asked.

“Well, I guess I would say it is when a person of one race looks down on a person of another race,” Coach Smitty replied.

“Good. That's a good place to begin,” Coach Washington said. “But what would you say if I told you that what you just described is prejudice, not racism?”

“I would say that I had no idea there was a difference. So, if looking down on another race is prejudice, then what does racism mean?” Coach Smitty asked. He was eager to learn, and he was unwilling to let shame at his prior lack of knowledge hold him back from learning from a willing teacher.

“Racism is about the imbalance of power, meaning that one race has more power than another race, and they wield that power to keep their race's power. So, racism can look like prejudice, but with the added element of power. Let's take this situation with Davey. You are the head football coach. Davey is the quarterback. So, both of you are in positions of power, in our locker room and in our community. You are also both white males. Now, had you dealt with this in the open, the team would have seen you holding Davey accountable for his actions, regardless of his status on the team or his race. But because it was handled in private, it looks like his family's status in the community, his position as QB, and the color of his skin got him the ‘Boss's Son’ treatment. He was protected by the powers that be, and, as his ‘jokes’ suggested, he could ridicule people color because of his whiteness. Make sense?” Coach Washington asked.

Coach Smitty was taken back by that, and said, humbly, “Rod, I understand your definitions and it makes sense, but, I honestly don't consider myself to be racist.”

“Neither do I!” Coach Washington said, quickly. “You're one of the best men I have ever known. But just because you aren't a racist doesn't mean you can't take racist action. Your decision to not address Davey's behavior out in the open is viewed as racist because of his offensive comments and your willingness to sweep it under the rug.

“It does not mean you're a racist or that you even had racist intent. Heck, you didn't understand the definition of racism until two minutes ago. What it does mean is that you have more to learn about this, and more to learn about your players. And that's why we are having this uncomfortable conversation. What kind of best friend would I be if I didn't jump in this with you, to help you learn. Besides, if the roles were reversed, I know you would do the same thing for me.”

“You absolutely know I would, Rod,” Coach Smitty exclaimed. “I'm grateful for your friendship.”

“And I am grateful for yours. You are willing to learn, which takes humility; I am willing to teach, which takes grace. That, my friend, is the path forward.”

Coach Smitty smiled. “Thank you for your grace.”

After a moment, Coach Washington asked, “Do you know why I don't apply for a head coaching job of my own? Because I believe in you, Smitty. I believe that you are a leader worth following. I want to be on your team, and whatever good I do through coaching, I want to do it with you. Now let's get to work!”