If you are yourself in conflict with a colleague, whether this be your boss, a peer, or a member of your team, your mediation skills can be put to good use and help you resolve this conflict directly.
Some key tips to manage conflict situations positively and resolve difficult situations and relationships are as follows:
- Understand your own response: How you respond will have a huge impact on whether the conflict escalates or is resolved positively. Individuals respond differently in conflict situations; sometimes we may respond by avoidance, sometimes we may be accommodating or competitive, or collaborative and compromising. Which is appropriate at any time will depend on the issues concerned and the relationship between the individuals. Each of us tends to use one of these responses more frequently than the others; that is, we have a default response mode (for further information, refer to Thomas Kilmann's Conflict Mode).
- Choose your response: Where people get stuck in these response modes and they clash, problems will arise. Managing your response is about learning to choose an appropriate response mode dependent on the situation and the other person, rather than simply resorting to your ususal default mode of response. For example, if two people are both responding competitively then this is unlikely to be constructive towards finding a resolution; a better approach might be to accommodate or compromise on some issues in order to move towards resolution. Bear in mind, too, how your tone of voice and body language can impact and pay attention to that. Finally, if necessary, manage your own stress by using the exercises we looked at in Chapter 2, Mediator Skill Set.
- Attend to the other person first: If you feel that someone has said something critical or you are in a conflict situation then the first response is often to become defensive and to seek to justify your own position. The impact of this is to simply widen the gap between your respective positions. By attending to the other person first you are better able to manage your response. Rather than attempt to justify (which may seem defensive), take a metaphorical step back, take a deep breath or two, and then validate. This means that you should ask questions to clarify and obtain further detail and information about what has been said. This does not mean that you are agreeing with the other person; you are simply seeking clarification in an assertive rather than a submissive or defensive way.
- Explore the need behind the want: This is exactly the same technique as used in mediation when you are trying to identify needs and interests and getting to what is really important. To do this you need to be asking all the open questions that we looked at in Chapter 2, Mediator Skill Set, such as "Why is that important?", "Why does that matter?", and "Why do you want that?".
- Invite the other's solution: Be careful not to jump in too soon with your own solution as this may not fully match the other's needs and interests. It is preferable to invite the other person to put forward a solution to the issue or problem. Here you would be posing lots of problem solving questions such as "How would you see us solving that?", "What would you suggest?", "What would be your solution?", and "What can we do so you get X and I get Y?".
- Build a win-win solution: By engaging in problem solving questions and inviting the other's solution, you are encouraging a collaborative approach to resolving the differences between you. To ensure that you achieve collaboration remember that there is no such thing as a bad idea. Don't dismiss any ideas (however daft you think they might be!). Recognize that the idea has some merit but then express any concerns and discuss solutions to these concerns.
- Listen: During all the mentioned stages, your deep listening skills should be in full use. Remember, you should be listening to what is underneath the words, remain aware of non-verbal clues, and identify the emotions that lie within and beyond the other's speech.
- Some words are better than others: Don't get too hung up on precisely what words to use but there are some phrases that are best avoided. In particular try to avoid using any universal terms such as "you always", "you never", "you should", or "you'll have to". These simply put pressure on the other person to justify themselves and is likely to lead to them becoming defensive. A better approach is to use such phrases as "My view is", "My perception is" or "My concerns are".
- Use "I" statements: Also, it is better to talk from your own point of view, using "I" statements such as "I think" or "I feel", rather than "You" statements, which sound more judgmental. Focus on the behavior, not the person and avoid language that might be taken as an attack on them.
- Be clear: It is far better to use clear language and to talk straight. Don't beat around the bush and talk in riddles; it is best to avoid analogies and figures of speech to avoid misunderstandings (no pun intended).
- Choose a good time and place: Think about the best time and day of the week to discuss the issues. There are no hard and fast rules here but generally I would suggest you avoid the end of the day or week and the best advice is to deal with it as soon as possible. You also want to ensure you can have the conversation in a private place without others overhearing and where you can talk face to face, with no distractions or interruptions.
- Make an appointment: This might sound a bit odd but this is also about managing your response to the conflict by respecting the other person. It also means that the other person is not caught off guard and unprepared, which can reduce the constructiveness of the conversation. A good approach is to tell the colleague that you want to discuss an issue and ask when would be a good time. If the answer is no, then either suggest another time or ask the colleague to do so. Be careful not to let it drift; it is important to deal the with rather than avoid it.
- Take turns and don't interrupt: In order to ensure that each of you is able to speak fully and be listened to you can use the "uninterrupted time" technique used in the opening session in a mediation process. That way you both take turns being the speaker and listener without interruption.
- Acknowledge your contribution: There is always something that you will have contributed to in the situation. It might be a delay in dealing with the issue or not recognizing the extent of the problem. It is always powerful to acknowledge this and accept it.
- Don't get hung up on right and wrong: Focusing on who is right and who is wrong is counterproductive; as we saw in Chapter 1, Conflict in the Workplace, this is irrelevant; it's far better to focus on the future and on solutions. In the vast majority of cases it is better to be happy than to be right.
- Deal with obstacles: If your colleague is unwilling to talk about the issue, ask them to explain the reasons why. If it is due to a fear that the discussion will become hostile, reassure them that this won't happen, and don't let it.
It is far better to take charge and try to resolve issues rather than hope that they will go away; they won't. If you don't and the conflict becomes worse, then it will impact you (and probably the other person too); if this happens and it starts to get to you, it is like "letting someone live rent free in your head". I am not suggesting that it is easy to manage conflicts in which you are one party and you will need to some resilience; however, the alternative is far worse. In the wonderful words of Albert Einstein, "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results", so if one approach does not work be persistent and try something different.
..................Content has been hidden....................
You can't read the all page of ebook, please click here login for view all page.