8. Dating and Sexytime
“I have guy friends, but the problem with having guy friends is, like, I always get linked to them, and they’ll end up in a slideshow of people I’ve apparently dated on the Internet.”
—TAYLOR SWIFT
Dating is stressful, but it gets an extra, heaping layer of stress with the worries that come with online privacy and security. From our own missteps (like if we accidentally share too much on Twitter) to companies putting our sensitive information online (as people-finder services do), dating is like a purse filled with candy and hand grenades. No girl wants to be freaking out about privacy when she’s trying to meet someone to go out with, but it’s important for you to manage your privacy when you’re signing up for a dating site.
Most big dating websites have a page of privacy suggestions. Some are linked in really small print from the signup page, and others are buried within the site on a promotional blog post.
It’s a good idea to read the privacy suggestions on each site you sign up for, but the sites may not make it obvious that you should read their advice before you make a profile.
Another problem with dating sites, and one that they aren’t up-front about, is that a lot of them are fighting a serious problem with fraud.
Ever heard of the Nigerian bank scam or 419 scam? In a nutshell, it’s targeted spam from an often fictitious someone who seems honest and who really seems to need your help. The scammer attempts to convince you that they know you or are somehow related to you in order to get you to send them money (or give them bank credentials). A lot of people fall for this scam over email, but now there’s a big twist: these scammers are using dating websites to con single women out of money, plane tickets, and more. (It happens a lot on faith-based dating websites, where the thieves prey on a lonely lady’s faith and goodwill.)
Aside from fine-tuning your bullshit detector, you can eliminate these scammers like cockroaches by following some simple privacy rules, as explained in the next section. Don’t sign up for a dating site until you read these rules—they’ll help you keep creepers from getting any power or control over you, too.
MAKE A SMART DATING PROFILE
The key to a bulletproof dating profile is making sure that you control how much can be found out about you—both what real (and private) information people get to learn about you and when they get to learn it. It’s easy to make a safe profile if you take the right precautions.
For one thing, never put your personal contact details in your profile—that means nothing from your red or yellow alert lists in Chapter 2. Always make up a fake birth date and use a screen name (or nickname) that isn’t your first and last name, because you can be tracked when someone discovers your real name.
Never use your real email address (or your work email address!) on a dating website. Use a free email account and make sure to use your dating website screen name or another nickname in the “from” and signup fields. This protects you from anyone trying to search your email address to find out more about you on Google, on social websites, or anywhere else your email address can be found online.
Pay attention to your photos: use photos on your dating profiles that aren’t used anywhere else, unless you want people to be able to easily find out who you are and what you do (or more). Google and a few other websites allow anyone to search images. All you have to do is upload a photo, and the search engine will show you all copies of the image that can be publicly found, with links to the sites where the photo is located. Before you add photos to your dating profile, use Google’s Search by image to make sure your images won’t reveal things you’re being careful to keep private. Your best bet is to always take separate photos for your dating profile.
Keep everything on your red and yellow list private until you’re ready to share it and you know the person you’re sharing it with is safe. Always keep your personal information private during the initial stages of dating. If you choose to share your computer with others, disable the auto sign-in feature on your account, clear your history after you check the dating site, and clear all saved passwords so you won’t accidentally expose your dating profile to someone who shouldn’t be seeing it.
Don’t add a potential date or even a current dating partner to your Facebook, Instagram, or other social media site until you’re sure they’re safe. This may sound harsh, but it’s a terrible idea to do so until you know the person better. Your photos, your profile info, and even your friends and family will give away much too much about you, and sometimes it can take a few months before you realize you’ve let a stalker into your social media (or your real) life. You don’t want to find out that your potential date’s real name is Creepy Steve after he’s made himself Facebook friends with your coworkers, your besties, or your mom.
SCREEN OUT SCAMMERS AND STALKERS
The US Federal Trade Commission has solid advice for screening out scammers and stalkers. Cut off communication with, don’t trust, and give a big fat boot to the ass of anyone who does any of these things:
• Asks for your real name, location, address, workplace, schedule, phone number, real email address (or anything else on your red and yellow alert lists).
• Asks too quickly to talk or chat using an outside email or messaging service.
• Claims to be from the United States but is currently traveling, living, or working abroad, especially if they say they’re in trouble and need your help. (Some scammers claim they’ve been stabbed and robbed and are in an overseas hospital.)
• Asks for money.
• Vanishes mysteriously from the site and then reappears under a different name.
• Talks about “destiny” or “fate.”
• Claims to be recently widowed.
• Asks for your home, workplace, or school address under the guise of sending flowers, presents, or gifts.
• Asks for pictures of you in front of your house, your work, or near a vehicle with your license plate visible.
• Makes an inordinate number of grammar and/or spelling errors.
• Sends you emails containing strange links to third-party websites.
If something just doesn’t add up about someone you meet online, hit the eject button. Don’t start revealing personal information until you’ve checked someone out completely and they haven’t raised even one red flag.
Finally, don’t even begin to plan a meeting until you read the safety guidelines at Chemistry.com (http://chemistry.com/help/safety/). They explain how to prepare for talking about a first meeting and how to meet safely.
MAKE THE INTERNET WEAR A CONDOM
No one wants to be watched online, but if you don’t check a couple of settings and add some quick and easy apps to your browser, you will be. You’ll be surprised at how easy it is to keep your computer from being clogged with trackers, which report your surfing habits to marketing agencies or record your (sometimes embarrassing) search history in the profile these companies keep on you. You don’t want someone secretly intercepting your Internet connection in a café and snooping on you or, worse, spying on you and stealing your stuff.
When you go online to visit websites, you’ll be using a web browser like Firefox, Chrome, Internet Explorer, Safari, Opera, or Dolphin or your phone’s Internet app. Each has different levels of privacy protections, and you can amp them up with various extensions and add-ons. The two browsers considered at the top of their game for privacy are Firefox and Chrome.
As a first step, visit the website for your browser and download and install any security patches or updates (follow the directions there). Microsoft’s Internet Explorer is the most vulnerable, but you can set your browser preferences to automatically check for new security and virus patches daily—which you’ll especially want to do if you’re on a PC rather than a Mac, regardless of your browser. Computers running Windows are more vulnerable to attacks, viruses, and malware than Apple computers, but no computer is completely safe. Run all the security updates your computer tells you to, and check for browser updates monthly. Make it a habit, like brushing your teeth.
Not many people know this, but an important part of Chrome’s security safeguarding expires if it doesn’t get its once-a-month update. Click the Chrome menu on the browser toolbar and select About Google Chrome. Chrome will check for updates when you’re on this page. Click Relaunch, and you’re all set.
While you’re doing privacy chores, schedule a virus scan to make sure that no cybercrime rings put a malware/spying program on your hard drive that time you accidentally opened an attachment you thought was from a friend.
Evil comes in the form of sites or files you download (whether on purpose or together with something else that you download) that install malware, spyware, or viruses designed to infect your computer. Malware can even be injected into your computer just from you visiting a site (called a drive-by download). Spyware, malware, and viruses can send private information about your online browsing and search habits to a puppet master controlling them. The mess must be cleaned up with an antivirus program or malware remover.
PRIVATE TIME ONLINE: BROWSING PRIVATELY AND SECURING YOUR SENSITIVE INFORMATION
What you do in your private time should be nobody’s business but your own—even if that means looking at adult content online; doing embarrassing searches; researching health problems; downloading a friend’s private photo or a file to your hard drive; or finding answers about love, sex, and relationships. Or maybe you share a computer at home, and you just want some privacy when you check Facebook. There is no bad reason for keeping things private.
Privacy keeps us sane and emotionally strong. You’re not doing anything wrong when you want to erase your tracks both online and offline.
One way to protect your privacy online is to use a VPN, or virtual private network, to mask your computer’s IP address. You can use a VPN to secure access to your own network as well as to public Wi-Fi or Internet access spots. It’s a great way to keep your browsing private and attack-proof.
The easiest way to set up a VPN is to subscribe to a VPN service, and there are a lot of great inexpensive ones to choose from. (You’ll learn more about using a VPN in Chapter 9, “Ninja Tricks.”) A VPN is also a handy way to protect your identity if you want to leave a comment or browse secretly without the website you’re visiting knowing your location.
Search Engine Creep
Did you know that search engines (like Google) can track your searches, the information your computer sends them, and more? Some of these you can control in a search engine’s settings (though it will require you to make an account to opt out of some tracking), but some search engine snooping you can’t stop. Your personal information can be revealed when you search online (especially when you’re logged in to an account like Facebook, Google, or Twitter), because your IP address (your computer’s address online) can be linked to the search terms you’ve used (the better to serve you targeted ads). Unless you use a VPN to keep your IP address private, search engines can also use your IP address to find wherever you are in the world. Google, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and all of your favorite social media sites make money by tracking you, packaging you up as a product, and selling your information to advertisers. Search engines can retain your information, such as your current location and the time you spend using the search engine, for up to 90 days.
Cookies
You’ve probably heard the word cookies bandied about or seen it pop up on a site with a note about using third-party cookies. Cookies are pieces of information stored on your computer when you visit websites. These cookies send information back to the websites and the companies that place them. Sometimes they’re only on your computer temporarily; other times they’re there indefinitely (unless you delete them).
In many cases, cookies are useful and no big deal when their only job is to remember you on a site where you want to remain logged in. They might unobtrusively send your password and user ID to a site so you don’t have to log in every time you leave and come back. (Many people find this very helpful, but remember to log out if you leave your computer unattended. And keep in mind that when you’re logged in on a site like Facebook, its cookies can still track you even when you’re not using the site.)
But most third-party cookies are used for data-mining purposes. They’re there to track you and build the cookie owner’s dossier on you. Some companies even participate in cookie-sharing rings. They share (sell) your info to hundreds or thousands of data buyers. They don’t ask for your permission, they are probably getting some embarrassing stuff, and the only way to stop them is to tell your browser to not allow third-party cookies and to occasionally clean out your browser’s cookies, history, and cache.
Leave No Trace
To keep your information and interests private, after you surf the Internet, clear your browser’s history (the record of where you’ve been online), cache (a repository for stored data about sites you’ve visited), and cookies. You may not be able to do this on a work or school computer, so that’s a good reason not to do anything private at work or school. And if you walk away from your computer in a public space, even just to go to the bathroom, log out of everything you’re using and lock it.
Browsers have different stealth modes that you can use for private browsing, as long as you remember that they don’t completely cover your tracks. Firefox allows you to open a New Private Window from its menu, but it’s not completely private. When you open a private window, Firefox won’t record your browsing history, but you’ll notice that you’re still logged in on some sites. Chrome’s Incognito Mode is similar. But none of the stealth modes will make you anonymous online.
Keep Your Sensitive Files Private
Anything you print can usually be traced to you if someone has enough money, time, and motivation to find you. If you’re worried about printing certain files, put them on a USB stick (super cheap on Amazon) and take them to a copy shop. Carry the USB stick with you, and password protect it if possible.
Erase Files Completely
When you delete a file simply by pressing DELETE on your keyboard or dumping it in the Trash or Recycle Bin, it’s not really deleted. Unless you obliterate the file using specialized software, it can be recovered simply by undeleting it or doing a disk recovery. The disk recovery may not be cheap and it may take time, but money and time aren’t enough to prevent motivated people from pursuing something that they want badly.
You would be amazed at the sensitive information people throw away with their computers every day. A hacker at an underground hacker conference in San Francisco gave an entire talk (with a slideshow) of what he found by doing data recovery on hard drives he bought off of eBay. The highlight of his March 2014 demonstration was showing the sensitive information he recovered on the hard drive that belonged to a guy who runs a service wiping and selling hard drives.
When deleting files, choose a Secure empty trash option if it’s available, even if that takes a long time. If you’re really worried, use a program that securely wipes (not deletes) your sensitive data.
Make Your Browser Private
One of the key steps in making sure that your sensitive information remains private and secure is to reduce the information that your web browser shares. First, go into your browser’s settings and take a look at the privacy and security bits. Turn off anything that clearly says it’s tracking you: for instance, Firefox has a little button you can click that says, “Tell sites that I do not want to be tracked.”
Here’s how to access the privacy and security settings from each browser menu:
• Chrome: Settings ▸ (Show advanced settings) Privacy
• Firefox: Preferences ▸ Privacy
• Internet Explorer: Tools ▸ Internet Options ▸ Privacy
• Safari: Preferences ▸ Privacy (and Preferences ▸ Security)
• Safari mobile: Settings ▸ Safari ▸ Privacy & Security
Once you’re in these menus, you can tinker with the settings. Don’t sweat it if you don’t understand a lot of what you see. Remember, if you change a setting that causes a behavior you don’t like, it’s a snap to change it right back. Here are the primary things to adjust:
• How the browser handles your history: Do you want it to save a list of the pages you’ve visited online? If not, make sure you clear your browsing data.
• The files you’ve downloaded: If you don’t want a list of files you downloaded hanging around, change this setting (you’ll still be able to download files—the browser just won’t keep a record).
• Information you enter into forms: It’s convenient to have our email address, home address, or name automatically filled in on a form, but that means anyone can see this information if they use your computer. Turn this off.
• Cookies: You can choose which sites can give you cookies and which cookies to remove from your browser to prevent sites from tracking you. For instance, if I visit a Facebook page, I always clean the cookies out afterward so Facebook can’t keep tracking me. Blocking cookies can make some websites impossible to use, which is annoying, so experiment with your cookies settings to see what keeps you safe and sane at the same time.
Do Not Track
With Safari mobile, you can turn on antiphishing, and with all of these browsers, you can change a preference that tells the browser you don’t want to be tracked by websites. For instance, in Chrome, you can include a Do Not Track request with your browsing traffic, and with Firefox, you can turn on the setting Tell sites that I do not want to be tracked. The Do Not Track setting is really only a suggestion from the browser, and it’s ignored by websites that don’t choose to respect it. Still, it can help, so always activate it. (Turning on this setting shouldn’t affect your browsing experience otherwise.)
Private Browsing
You should find a Private Browsing setting in every browser (Chrome calls it Incognito Mode). You should be able to set private browsing to On in Settings (or Preferences) or use it on a case-by-case basis by simply opening a separate browser window from the drop-down menu under File.
The term private browsing fools some people into thinking it makes their online activity anonymous—it doesn’t. Websites can still see the identifying information coming from your computer or mobile device, such as your IP address and your browser’s unique identifiers. What private browsing actually does is force the browser not to save your history or any form information—read: no autocomplete, no saved passwords, no saved Downloads list, no temporary (cached) content, and no cookies.
There are thousands of excellent Firefox extensions, Chrome plug-ins, Safari add-ons and extensions, and IE add-ons for privacy protection, but there are also a lot of bad, fake ones, too. (Browser extensions, plug-ins, and add-ons are apps that you can use to customize your browser in a bunch of different ways.) But don’t add them all or you could slow down the browser a lot.
When choosing extensions, read reviews, look at what’s popular for privacy and security, and choose wisely. It’s usually okay to trust plug-ins and extensions that come from reputable companies and developers, but if you’re concerned, search for them online to see if users are complaining about something. I recommend installing these plug-ins and extensions to turn your browser into a privacy shield:
• AdBlock Plus: Blocks ads and tracking for most advertisers.
• AVG PrivacyFix: Manages all social media privacy settings.
• Blur: Blocks tracking, manages passwords, offers disposable email addresses, and much more.
• BugMeNot: Bypasses the sign-in on websites that require your info to simply read a page.
• Cocoon: Blocks tracking and offers disposable email addresses.
• Disconnect: Blocks Facebook tracking.
• DuckDuckGo: A nontracking search engine
• Ghostery: Alerts you to bugs, tracking, and ad networks on sites you visit. It can be overwhelming and controversially resells anonymized user metrics.
• HTTPS Everywhere: Enables encryption automatically on sites that support it.
HOW TO TELL IF SOMEONE WAS ON YOUR COMPUTER
If the idea of someone physically looking through your computer when you’re not around makes you feel like (a) someone just dug through your underwear drawer and (b) you want to Hulk-smash something, then welcome to the None of Your Business club. You should be mad, and yes, it’s a total violation. The person who looked through your life either knew they were doing something wrong or thinks it’s their right to go through your stuff. Both of these are never okay.
If someone pokes around on your computer when they know they shouldn’t, they’re usually looking for something they don’t have permission to look at. They may think you are cheating on them, lying, or worse. Whatever the reason, it’s wrong. They should just come out and ask you or live with the fact that it’s none of their business.
When someone in your life invades your privacy, they may think they’re protecting you or otherwise doing it “for your own good.” But it’s up to you to decide what’s good for you. If they want to warn you about something or they’re worried about a serious risk to you, the first thing they should do is talk to you, not snoop on your computer. Parents and older family members sometimes think that spying on you is the best way to make sure you’re safe, but that approach always backfires. It makes you not trust them, it makes you figure out how to have your own privacy anyway, and whatever it is they want to protect you from is always something they should talk to you about, in person.
A longtime friend of mine is a computer-savvy dad, and he’s really cool with his daughter—about talking about sex, having her ask about anything, explaining scary stuff, and letting her evaluate her own risks and feelings. Sometime after she turned 14, she and I were hanging out while her dad went to get coffee. I asked if her dad made her use Internet filters or share her passwords, and she said yes.
I heard all about the Internet filters at home, how all of her social media accounts were password shared with mom and dad, and how a lot of things around the house were password protected and everyone had their own login accounts. It sounded like her high-tech dad didn’t give her much privacy, and I asked if she thought it was weird. She told me no, because her dad was cool and she didn’t care if he checked in on her, but she could tell he hardly ever did. Besides, she told me, “And don’t tell my dad, but I cracked our house passwords a long time ago, and I have separate social media and email accounts he doesn’t know about under different names. I clear everything all the time. Everyone at school has different names online.”
She knew she was being spied on, and it was just her dad and mom, but they were honest with her about being big old snoops. It may not have seemed fair, but she had an expectation that under the family roof, her parents were watching her online and they didn’t do it behind her back.
When someone tries to spy on your computer without telling you, there are some simple ways to find out.
• Look at the Most Recently Used items on Windows or at Recent Items from the Apple menu on a Mac. You’ll see your recently used applications, documents, and servers. Open your web browser and look at the history and cookies.
• Type letters in alphabetical order into the URL (address) bar, search bar, and search engines to see what comes up—this works if any kind of auto fill is turned on, which is usually on by default.
• Check the Trash or Recycle Bin on your Desktop for files that may have been deleted by someone digging around and trying to hide their tracks—or see if the Trash is empty when you know you didn’t leave it that way.
• If you decide to restore any files you find, make sure you note where the file’s original location was, because that’s where the file will reappear after you undelete it.
• You can also install monitoring software like a keylogger to secretly record what anyone types when they use your computer.