CHAPTER Eleven
When Things Get Emotional
Time-outs
”JOSH. JOSH. Joshie! Listen to me!” Amy’s voice grew louder, but it was no match for her son’s voice, as the youngster wailed, screamed, and thrashed on the floor, beating his little feet against the carpet. His eyes were pinched shut, and tears streaked his fiery red face. Amy fell silent, suddenly realizing that with her insistence, she was only reinforcing Josh’s poor behavior. He was having a full-fledged tantrum, and the longer Amy tried to reason with him, the louder and more upset he became. As she concentrated on calming herself, a scene came into her mind from a few days ago.
Amy and Kim Lee had been working with Kagan, a year-old killer whale, when the calf suddenly turned and swam away toward one of the underwater viewing ports that was being cleaned by a crew member. Kagan had been distracted by the sound of the squeegee rubbing on the window. When Kim Lee tried to get the whale’s attention by slapping the water with her open hand, Kagan started to swim toward her, but at the last minute, he swung back in the direction of the glass. He even slapped his tail several times in an aggressive manner, letting Kim Lee know that he didn’t want to cooperate. The whale was throwing a little tantrum.
Kim Lee tried calling him back one more time, but the whale totally ignored her, continuing to slap his tail flukes and pectoral fins so hard that he sent waves of water over the glass, drenching the unfortunate attendant.
“Let’s go,” Kim Lee said, walking away from the pool.
“Are we just going to quit working with Kagan?” Amy asked, puzzled.
“If he won’t keep his mind on us,” Kim Lee explained, “the wisest thing to do is leave the environment. Besides, he’s very upset and not thinking right now.”
“Give him a time-out, you mean,” Amy said.
“Exactly. It’s not only a time-out for the whale, but for us as well. We need to step back, try to think about why this happened, and plan how we’ll proceed from here.”
Clint had been observing the session. Now he came over and said, “You two did exactly the right thing to walk away from that situation. But you really had no choice at that point. My question to you is, what could you have done to avoid this problem?”
Kim Lee looked thoughtful. “We could arrange things with the crew member ahead of time, so he isn’t cleaning the window of the pool where we’re working with Kagan.”
“Right,” Clint said. “Eliminate the distraction before it happens. Not only was Kagan distracted for the training session, but he’s very upset that you tried to divert him. You can see how one little mistake can lead to another—and even to aggression. It may take a little while now for him to calm down.”
Now as Amy watched her young son carrying on, she thought about the day’s events that had led to this hectic scene. She thought, How could I have avoided this happening in the first place?
Just then Matt came in the door. Taking in the scene, he asked, “What’s got the little guy in such a snit?”
“I was just thinking about that,” Amy replied, “although it’s been kind of hard to hear myself think with this hullabaloo going on. Let’s go somewhere quieter, and I’ll tell you about it.” They left Josh on the floor, still kicking and crying, and went to sit in the kitchen where they could observe him through the door. “Five minutes ago I was ready to pull my hair out,” said Amy. “But I’ve been reviewing the day, and I think I have only myself to blame. It started when I overslept.”
“But I woke you before I left for my early morning meeting,” Matt said.
“I know, but I fell back to sleep,” she admitted.
In fact, Amy had been rushing around, getting herself and Josh dressed and hurrying him through his breakfast. Amy had called to Josh repeatedly, insisting that he hurry. Meanwhile, Josh began resisting. He seemed to be purposely delaying things. Was he trying to make her angry? When she buttoned his shirt wrong, then impatiently jerked at it to start over, he scolded, “Mom-wee!”
She dashed to the car with him and hurriedly drove to the day care center. Josh’s last look at her was a frown.
Her day at SeaWorld was hectic—and not much fun. Kim Lee, whose presence always calmed and reassured her, was out sick. It was cleaning day, never Amy’s favorite thing. She had to work with fellow trainee Lorraine, who was in one of her moods. Then somehow time got away, and she was late picking up Josh on the way home. The little boy marched to the car without looking at her, and he was silent all the way to the grocery store where Amy stopped to pick up vegetables for dinner. Josh brightened a bit as he rode in the shopping cart, but then he began reaching for items, pulling things off the shelves. “No,” Amy warned him. “Mommy’s told you not to do that!” He kept it up. Once they were home, resentment toward his mother was percolating.
“Thinking back,” Amy told Matt, “I know Josh was doing it because I wasn’t paying attention to him. I was in a hurry to get out of the store and had other things on my mind. Also, he was really tired. So by the time we got home, it didn’t take much to send our little anger astro naut into orbit. When I started cooking, he came in the kitchen and demanded we play with the puppy. I told him not now, we had to wait, and that did it. He started running around yelling, and finally just fell down and started screaming and going berserk.”
Matt shook his head thoughtfully. “It was building up all day.”
“Right,” Amy said. “Guess I didn’t set things up for success this time. My own attitude was so much a part of it. It’s almost like Josh went into orbit because I didn’t”
Amy stopped, listening to the quiet that had settled over the living room. She jumped up and went to the door. “Josh, are you all calmed down now? Are you ready to come and play?”
“No!” came the angry reply. Then Josh began his wailing again, but this time only half-heartedly.
Amy shrugged and came back and sat down.
“Trying to catch the kid doing things right, were ya?” Matt said, smiling.
Amy rolled her eyes. “I thought he was done, but I guess not, so I’ll let him sit a little longer. I just don’t want to make the time-out longer than it needs to be. It can lose its effectiveness.”
They waited a while longer. This time the noise subsided quickly.
Matt said, “I’ll go.”
“No way,” Amy said. “This happened on my watch. I’m the one he’s upset with. If you went in there, then you’re the good guy. We don’t want to get a good cop/bad cop thing going,” This time when she went to Josh and said, “Ready, Joshie?” the little boy smiled and held out his arms.
Amy brought her son into the kitchen and sat silently with him. She and Matt wanted to make sure he was over his upset, so they gave him more time. After a minute or so, Amy said, “That’s better now, isn’t it Josh? You’re all calmed down. How about a drink of water? You must be thirsty after all that fussing. Let’s show Daddy the picture you drew at day care today.” When Josh reached for a cracker and gratefully accepted a glass of water from Amy, it was obvious his episode was ended.
Turning to Matt, she said, “I learned one thing, and I should have known it from work, because the principle is the same with animals.”
“What’s that?”
“It doesn’t pay to try to reason with an upset person. It’s hard to try to make sense to an upset child—or for that matter, to an upset adult like a coworker or customer, or to a killer whale. It’s best to just clear the area or do whatever is necessary to let the situation cool down.”
“From what you told me,” Matt said, “you’re lucky Josh didn’t decide to erupt while you were in the grocery store.”
Amy nodded in agreement.
“So, what would you have done if it had happened there?” Matt persisted.
Amy thought a moment. “Ideally, if I’d kept my wits about me, I’d have left my groceries in the cart, picked him up and taken him to the car, and stayed with him until he calmed down. If he wouldn’t calm down, I’d just have come home.”
She looked at Josh. “Anyway,” she said lovingly, “you and your mom certainly had a day of it, huh?” She hugged him tightly. “I love you, Josh,” she said tenderly.
Whale Done Notes
TIME-OUTS
Set things up for success
Time-out helps your child learn to accept responsibility for behaving in undesirable ways and, more importantly, for changing her own behavior. The time-out area should be easily accessible, where your child easily can be monitored while there. While in time-out, she should receive the least amount of reinforcement for a particular period of time. For young children, the time-out period should last only as long as it takes for the behavior to change. Communicate to your child exactly what the behaviors are that you want eliminated. Choose the timeout area, and eliminate toys and other distractions from that environment.
Ignore failure and/or redirect
When people (children or adults) are in an elevated state of emotion, it’s useless to try to reason with them. While administering the time-out, you should define the specific behavior that resulted in taking this step. Short of imposing a time-out, the parent should use redirection. With younger children, this can take the form of distraction. With older kids, you can reason, perhaps saying, “I wasn’t clear enough about this with you, I guess. Let’s go over the rules again.” Always try to end a redirection with a praising for something you “caught them doing right.” Sometimes children misbehave in different environments where they think the home rules don’t apply. If the upset happens in a public place and you have to leave, that small sacrifice can pay off later. When returning to the scene of the tantrum, you can work to get your child’s agreement about carrying out the behavior you prefer.
Give a Whale Done!
As soon as the time-out is over, it’s over. No grudges or recriminations. When you notice your child has eliminated the behavior that earned the time-out, be sure to call attention to it in a positive way. If appropriate, give praise for the fact that there have been no time-outs lately. You can always surprise a child in an unplanned way. (“You have been doing so well, Dad’s going to take you out to your favorite restaurant.”)