14

WORKING WITH OTHERS

So there’s a lot we can do to increase our power in the workplace without any input from anyone else. Yet there’s also a lot we cannot do. Others matter: whether senior or junior, colleagues or customers, or whether a direct report or someone only tangentially relevant to our role.

Developing people skills is therefore important if we’re to increase our confidence at work. In fact – given that it’s other people that are mostly responsible for our under-confidence – dealing with others is the absolute apocalypse of our endeavours. Get this right and we’re well on our way. That said, if we fail here we remain condemned to the purgatory of under-confidence.

Again, planning and strategizing are important – but these have been previously tackled. It’s the daily tactics that matter now – the small stuff that, nonetheless, chips away at our confidence. Here are my thoughts on developing people skills in the workplace: based on a lifetime of getting it (mostly) wrong.

1. Learn to Say No

This is a favourite of the self-help universe. Many people have their confidence attacked and their self-esteem sapped by an inability to say no, they say – making this a vital requisite for confidence-seekers. Ilise Benun’s (2006) view is typical of what seems to be a consensus:

‘The ability to say ‘no’ is crucial to success in business,’ she says. ‘It plays a role in managing, setting up realistic expectations, establishing trust and being a professional.’

Of course I agree with this. But I’m also concerned that we remain strategic – keeping our long-term objectives in mind. An abrupt refusal may harm our standing and damage, rather than build, our confidence. We should perhaps examine why we want to say no. Are we too busy? Well, we can point to all our outstanding tasks, and their deadlines, and politely suggest a need to prioritize. Or is it because we feel the job is beneath us? Fine, but then whose job is it? Perhaps we can visibly (i.e. noticeably) delegate the task to them, which should help build our competence at delegation (see below) as well as communicate confidence to those around us (although beware ‘affected uselessness’).

Or is it that we feel the person asking lacks respect, or is leveraging off our insecurities to exploit us (a likely scenario given our poor confidence)? In this case delicacy is required. Maybe we should deliver on the task but add a polite message (at the point of delivery) that this went beyond the call of duty and, while happy to do this as a favour – this once – it’s not something we can be expected to do repeatedly without complaint. Especially if the task is executed with panache – and the message is delivered well – we’ll have built rather than undermined our confidence.

2. State Your Intentions

Unfortunately, we are judged on our actions rather than our intentions. And the actions of the under-confident often communicate meekness. We can act as if we lack ambition. As if we deserve nothing more than to be overlooked or even disrespected. Certainly, we can look and sound powerless and radiate weakness: no wonder our poor confidence is so often confirmed by the actions of others.

Reversing this requires a bold and powerful statement of our intentions. Perhaps we should source a meeting with our seniors and articulate our purpose: ‘This is my ambition within the organization.’ Of course, we’ll have to explain our previous poor showing as well as what the ‘new me’ aims to achieve. Yes, the ‘old me’ sent the wrong signals we can say. But they’re no longer valid.

This tells them straight: please judge me afresh. It also sets a benchmark for us to adhere to – a new standard by which we can judge ourselves, and expect to be judged by others. Yet we cannot do this and then continue to act as the meek, moaning, and seemingly exploited person of old. We have to change. But it means that the change has been stated and will, hopefully, be noticed. And if it isn’t? Then we have the strongest signal yet we may be in an organization harmful to our long-term confidence, meaning we should stay positive but plan our exit.

3. Learn to Delegate

Ken Blanchard became famous for writing the One Minute Manager (1981) in which he extolled the virtues of delegation – true delegation in which, as the delegator, we simply agree a vision regarding the result of a particular task or project and then completely back off: giving them the autonomy to execute their own achievement. They may make mistakes, but they’ll learn from them, whereas those we instruct every step of the way learn nothing more than an ability to carry out detailed instructions.

It’s important to remember that Blanchard wasn’t simply writing for managers trying to instruct juniors. His philosophy extends to anyone working in an environment that may involve one person having to offload tasks to someone else, which is a highly problematic area for the under-confident. While feeling exploited, the under-confident can also become defensive when asked to pass on part of their role: perhaps to a new junior or maybe a colleague reporting to the same manager. We may receive the request to delegate as a threat – an attempt to strip us of even this low level of authority or autonomy.

Yet we should see it as the opposite. It’s a chance to increase our power – either by recruiting others to our sphere of influence or by releasing us from a mindless task that we probably previ­ously judged exploitative. So delegation is something that must be embraced, although good delegation is an acquired skill – involving (according to Blanchard) less, rather than more, instruction.

But it also requires confidence. After all, those we delegate to could be more skilled, which may undermine our credibility. So we need to have faith that, by delegating, we’re giving ourselves the space to grow – rather than handing over a small part of our pathetic empire. We’re recruiting people to our cause, not losing functionality from our role: admittedly a difficult mental assumption for the under-confident because it involves the issue of trust (as previously discussed in Part Two).

4. Overcome Hesitation

Key moments decide our progress: not just during the stress of Sullivan’s clutch but in the instant opportunities that may appear from nowhere and disappear almost as fast. Perhaps the CEO has addressed us out of the blue, or we meet the boss of our ideal company at an event.

‘Life all comes down to a few moments: this is one of them,’ said Bud Fox (Charlie Sheen) before his life-changing meeting with Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) in the 1987 movie Wall Street. So we need to make them count.

Here are my tips for doing so:

• Prepare an ‘elevator pitch’. This is entrepreneur-speak for those key moments – perhaps when you share a lift with the boss – that offer you literally seconds to impart your business idea to the one person that could make all the difference. Thinking on the spot at such a time is almost impossible, so you need a prepared line: ‘Hi, Mr Walsh, I’m Jenny. I work in accounts but I’m focused on moving to sales as soon as I can.’ Resist adding ‘can you help?’ They’ll get your drift, and backing them into a corner will not improve your chances. You just need to state your intentions, use positive language and smile. That said, you should also thank your previous commitment to always dress professionally in the office, giving out strong signals that support your ambitions.
• Accept imperfect circumstances. A key moment came for me when working in a production job for a finance-focused magazine. I wanted an editorial role and said as much to the editor when we coincidentally shared a taxi to an office function. I’ve done a good job on production, I said (in fact the conversation had started with her complimenting my skills and diligence), and I can also prove my worth on the editorial side if given the chance. She was impressed by the fact I was willing to state my ambition frankly – as well as do so in a taxi shared by another member of staff. Of course, I’d rather the third passenger hadn’t been there to witness my cringe-worthy pitch. But there she sat – and I wasn’t going to let the opportunity pass.
• State your intentions. Important people have a lot on their mind, so don’t mince your words. Most are good at picking up the nuances (it’s their job) and don’t need to be asked directly for help. But most also appreciate plain speaking rather than cryptic prose because their time is precious and your ability to articulate well says a lot about you. And those that don’t appreciate such boldness? Well that says a lot about them.
• Regret action not inaction. Even if your pitch falls flat, even if it’s embarrassing, even if it ends up as a locker room tale in which you are noisily mocked – so what? As former England football manager Terry Venables once said: ‘Don’t regret not doing something, regret doing it’ – a worthy mantra for the under-confident to adopt.

5. Learn to Persuade

Of course, Terry Venables had a trait all successful people possess: he could persuade. He could charm the pants off anyone he met, not least because he oozed chutzpah. That said, even those less blessed with the sprinkled stardust of natural persuasiveness can develop their skills in this respect.

‘Good persuasion … involves understanding the true needs and desires of the person you are persuading, understanding his or her criteria for action, and finally presenting information in a way that is congruent with his or her indicated desires,’ writes Dave Lakhani in Persuasion: The Art of Getting What You Want (2005).

Lakhani is quick to point out that persuasion is not manipulation because there’s no deception. The persuader is simply trying to point out common interests, potentially fostering long-term and mutually beneficial relationships. This makes persuasion similar to Stephen Covey’s habit of ‘synergizing’ (of looking for commonalities with everyone we meet – another effective trait of the confident), although we must remember that, ultimately, we’re trying to move people towards our needs.

Lakhani points out the key traits of the persuaders (with some thoughts of my own):

• A good voice. This is more than a booming and strident tone. It means enunciating words well, maintaining eye contact and having positive body language. Ultimately, persuaders are asking to be followed – so you must sound like you know where you’re going.
• A strong network. Persuaders can nearly always name a connection or person that can bridge the gap between you and them. This increases the persuader’s integrity and credibility – making them the missing link you’ve been waiting years to meet.
• A good story. Persuaders know their story and can tell it convincingly. Lakhani points to three story requirements: your biography (how you got here); your company (or position/department if internal); and your proposition to that individual. Each must be compelling.
• Authority. This cannot be faked. You need to establish your area of expertise, study hard, develop a perspective (or opinion), and believe in it. Only those that believe in what they say can hope to persuade others.
• Belief alignment. Persuaders try and first understand the beliefs of those they seek to persuade, and then try and align themselves as closely as possible with those beliefs. If your aim is to move their beliefs, start with the elements that overlap, slowly trying to expand them to encompass your view. Starting in the deep blue water between your positions – and assuming your power of persuasion is enough – will almost certainly fail.

Other Lakhani techniques include the ‘gift to receive’, in which we offer something first in order to encourage reciprocity (a favourite trick of the cheese counter in delis); offering inconsequential steps towards your desired result (what I call the ‘A-to-Z-via-B’, in which we focus only on getting others to the seemingly innocuous B); and ‘social matching’, in which we show that similar people have been previously persuaded and benefited.

6. Give Rather Than Seek Compliments

Everyone enjoys a compliment. But the under-confident can obsess about them – making compliments their only quest, which renders them powerless. Despite the empowering feeling a compliment offers, therefore, we must remember that the recipient is soaking up the power of the giver, which increases our dependence on them.

Gaining confidence is not about receiving compliments, therefore, it’s about giving them. Certainly the giver is more important than the receiver, although – that said – handing out compliments is probably the cheapest form of effective empowerment available, so we should actively adopt it.

Of course, many people view compliments as cheesy or smarmy: sleazy even. So we have to become adept at giving them – perhaps making indirect comments such as ‘what a fantastic cake’ or ‘what amazing creativity’, rather than the more direct ‘Sandra, you’re sooo brilliant at cake making’. That said, watch Sandra’s reaction to the full-on adulation and the power of the compliment will become apparent.

7. Don’t Sweat the Boss

Ask the under-confident to name the one person chaining them to their lowly outlook and the chances are it’ll be their boss. Indeed, strong progress elsewhere can be negated swiftly by our seniors, who can end up obsessing us and therefore destroying any crumbs of confidence we may be accumulating.

To gain confidence, therefore, we must tackle our boss. But care is required. Battle against your boss and you may be David beating Goliath, the Boers outsmarting the British Empire or the Viet Cong defeating the Americans. More likely, however, you’ll be one of the thousands of forgotten heroes that have taken on a stronger foe and lost, which will be a disaster for your confidence.

So do the opposite. Rather than detest your boss, work with them. In his charming 1998 book Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff at Work, Dr Richard Carlson offers the following titbits for dealing with our ‘dear leaders’ (with some thoughts of my own):

• ‘Don’t sweat the demanding boss.’ There are two ways of dealing with the demanding boss, Carlson states. We can complain about them (perhaps behind their backs) or we can try and see through their impact on us. He asks us to note that demanding people tend to be so with everyone, so we shouldn’t take it personally. He also states that they, most likely, have no hidden motives, so don’t assume any. Many, he states, are stuck in the role of being demanding, which means that – like the personal trainer pushing you harder – the demanding boss may be the very person willing you to achieve more. Even if that’s doubtful, it’s certainly a healthier view when trying to cope with their demands.
• ‘Let go of battles that cannot be won.’ As stated, battling against the boss is usually a one-way ticket to defeat. They may be wrong, and heading for certain humiliation. But Carlson warns against fighting too hard to prevent it. Having stated your view there are occasions when we must remember that it’s the bosses reputation on the line, not ours. So they have to pick their own path. If they were right, and you were supportive (but wrong) they’ll forgive you (and enjoy their victory). If they were wrong, and you pointed out their error (but remained onside) – well, maybe next time they’ll listen.
• ‘Before becoming defensive, take note of what is being said.’ I wish I’d known this one when I was a journalist or banker. If my former seniors were asked to describe me in one word, my guess is the word ‘defensive’ would crop up time and time again. For the defensive, even constructive criticism requires a knee-jerk and instantaneous reaction. Of course, many’s the time when – with time and emotion elapsed – I realized their words made perfect sense. So why was I so incapable of hearing this truth earlier? In fact, my boss was saying something sensible probably 90 percent of the time – and having to battle against my defensive shield in order to get through. And the 10 percent of times they were being a jerk? Well, clear the fog of defensiveness and their nonsense becomes obvious.
• ‘Remember to appreciate the people you work with.’ Yes, this is even true of the boss, although Carlson’s main focus is on colleagues and even the office cleaner. But my view is that all the tactics we’ve learnt regarding dealing with people – about giving compliments and being nice – also apply to our seniors. Certainly, if one of my juniors pays me a compliment I appreciate it enormously. After all, I’m the one cutting through the jungle – it’s my head above the parapet. And their view of me is all important, although it must be genuine. Sure, their colleagues may consider it ‘brown-nosing’ – a horrible expression reserved for the bitter and insecure, in my opinion. But, if delivered well (and perhaps indirectly), it will increase your standing no-end.

8. Handle Challenging People with Elegance

If only our boss was the only difficult person in the workplace. But he/she isn’t. Difficult people exist in every office – many, the under-confident jobsworths whose fate we’re so desperate to avoid.

According to conflict specialist Muriel Solomon in Working with Difficult People (2002), office antagonists come in various guises, each requiring a different strategic response (as ever, with some thoughts of my own):

• Hostile people. Burdened with personal problems, the hostile are usually angry and depressed. They’ll look hard for your weak points and use those as their focus for attack. According to Solomon we should avoid their trap by staying cool. They want to rattle you, so don’t let them push your buttons. Stay calm, and they look the insecure ones, not you.
• Pushy people. Arrogant colleagues want to jam their ideas down your throat, so don’t let them. Most are insecure and want to be liked – the classic realm of the bully. We simply need to realize they’re this way with everyone, and remain open-minded and accessible despite their behaviour. Don’t face down their pushiness or confront it directly: simply side-step it. If they cannot recruit you, you’ll be communicating your confidence – making you more and more desirable as an ally. Enjoy the power!
• Deceitful people. Liars cheat and distort the facts. They can be hypocritical: nice to your face and horrible behind your back. Yet, again, they’re communicating their insecurities. We need to rise above them, making sure they don’t drag us down to their level. And if our boss is one? Always remain professional when with them and try and get their commitments in writing. Also, take comfort from the fact their deceit is nothing personal – it’s just their under-confidence making them act this way.
• Shrewd people. While deceitful people are insecure, the shrewd are usually highly-confident – and are using your insecurities to get what they want. Notice how they behave, perhaps by putting you under direct pressure to do something and feigning surprise when you resist. They may know what you want and offer it as a reward, although it may be a myth. Fine, so why not turn the tables and be as direct in return? Question their games – and notice when they change tack (or become hostile because you’ve revealed their subterfuge). But be careful: shrewd people make tough opponents for the under-confident.
• Rude people. Meanwhile, the rude are easy to deal with. Even if they’re hitting out at your genuine incompetence, their approach has given you your best defence. There are few modern workplaces where open rudeness or disrespect is acceptable. Indeed, in many western countries it’s illegal. So make it clear that their insults are beyond the pale. Establish clear boundaries of acceptable behaviour and politely ask them not to cross the line. That said, many will calm down and apologize, which you should accept gracefully – perhaps by also apologizing, no matter what the circumstances. Indeed, you’ve won your victory, so being magnanimous will help build alliances while stubbornness will only convert it into a defeat.
• Egotistical people. Conceited people are grandstanders, says Solomon. They are self-centred and want to show off. Yet they occupy a self-contained universe, which rarely has any direct impact on you (though may still grate). That said, know-it-all colleagues or subordinates can be particularly aggravating, which requires us to develop some tactics for dealing with them. Ask penetrating questions that demand quantifiable answers. And don’t take what they say as gospel – the egotistic are prone to exaggerate. Yet remain objective. And remember that most egotists are insecure at heart, no matter how well they hide it. So the wry smile may be a better tactic than the full-frontal putdown (and the occasional indulgence of their ego is even better).
• Procrastinating people. More self-esteem issues to deal with – this time from those incapable of making decisions. Yet, while frustrating, such insecurities in others represent an opportunity for us – not to beat them but to recognize their fears and help. By aligning with their concerns you can become the trusted adviser, which – if to a senior – is one of the most important positions within any organization. As for juniors, we can teach them what we’ve learnt about breaking projects down into doable action points – helping build confidence around us (which should also help our own).
• Critical people. Some people are incapable of expressing satisfaction – picking on the tiniest element in order to find something to criticize. If your boss does this, it can be soul-destroying in the extreme, although a direct confrontation is (as always) worth avoiding. Of course, we should take note of the criticism while not letting it undermine our confidence – being aware that our horizons go well beyond their immediate displeasure. That said, constantly critical people are depressing, so we cannot be entirely passive if we’re to prevent them knocking our confidence. One tactic I’ve developed is to offer the ironic riposte. While not over-playing it (and while accepting genuine feedback) the ‘thank you for your positivity’ statement can leave them wondering, and you smiling, and any damage to your confidence neutered.

With all challenging people we should aim to adopt the motto of the now famous World War Two poster: ‘Keep calm and carry on’. If you can hold your nerve (as well as your tongue) and continue to communicate, no matter what the aggravation, you should be able to develop elegance when dealing with people. And this will build your confidence, which is a fantastic result for previously under-confident people.