CHAPTER 5
Building Your Network
To paraphrase 2020 presidential election candidate Elizabeth Warren, no one person is successful on their own. No successful person in tech—or in any other industry—would be where they are without the love and support of their network.
A network can comprise many different people. Aside from your family and friends, your network can be your coworkers, mentors, sponsors, professors, teachers, coaches, counselors, and loved ones—essentially anyone you look to for knowledge or advice.
The Importance of Building Your Network
Your network will become increasingly important as you progress in your career. While getting high grades and marks in class is wonderful (and encouraged) and doing well at a job or internship is great, those things alone are unlikely to get you job opportunities or promotions. On the contrary, numerous surveys and studies have indicated that people have found their current jobs through networking efforts. Many jobs aren't even advertised because they are filled either through referrals or from internal applicants. Coupling this with the fact that applicant-tracking systems weed out many job applications and resumes before they even cross a recruiter's desk, the case to use networking to find your job becomes more compelling.
Your network isn't just for getting leads for jobs, though. Your network can give you concrete advice about the type of skills you should be building, what schools or academic programs are worth attending, what events may be of interest … the possibilities (and opportunities) are endless.
Perhaps more importantly, your network is there for you during times of success—and difficulty. The path to becoming a technical professional and advancing your career can be challenging. Being able to lean on your network during those times helps you stay positive and focused on your goals.
I remember how a mentor in my network helped me get through what was, at the time, a challenging period. I worked at a small company and was tasked to do many different functions; among them was helping with their website design. The colleague who gave me these tasks was smart but had no strong understanding of how web design worked, nor did this colleague care to.
One afternoon, my colleague asked me to update a portion of the company website with new newsletter content. I did so to the best of my ability as I'm not a website designer by trade—I had no formal training on WordPress, and everything I had learned was on the job. After looking at my work an hour later, he was not pleased with how it looked. At all. The colleague angrily called me into the office and accused me of being “lazy” and not caring about my work.
I was mad as hell. While this was not one of my favorite tasks and I already was stretched thin at this place, I always prided myself in being able to deliver high-quality work and in being professional. As he kept criticizing my work without offering specific examples to back up what he was saying, I did something I almost never do—especially to avoid being labeled as the “angry Black woman”—I yelled at him. A brief but fierce argument ensued. It got so bad that I walked out of his office as he was talking.
Immediately after, I cried. I got angry at myself for giving this person the power, in a sense, to get me worked up and angry, and over something so minor. I then started to second-guess myself that maybe I hadn't given it my best. I was about one week into my two weeks' notice of leaving this place, so maybe I had “checked out.” I was a wreck.
I decided to reach out to my project management mentor and just spilled my guts out over email. I'm not sure why I reached out to her specifically—this had absolutely nothing to do with project management—and there wasn't anything she could do to remedy the situation. When I look back at this moment, I think that I just wanted to be heard and understood by someone.
I sent her an email later that night, writing about what happened in excruciating detail. I told her I felt awful, that this is not normally something that I would do, and that I didn't respond in the best way. But I was just so freaking mad that me yelling and storming out was a far better outcome than what could've happened. I hit Send and collapsed into bed.
Surprisingly, an hour later, my mentor sent me a reply. First, she said that she was so sorry that it happened. Second, while not the best way to handle the situation, she explained that it happens to the best of us, even people with years and years of work experience. Third, she said I should take whatever opportunities I could to learn from the experience. Lastly, she said to enjoy the weekend because I work hard and deserve some time for myself.
My problems were not resolved. I still had to see my colleague first thing Monday morning. I still had to make website updates and do a job that I didn't particularly like or want to do. Nothing changed for me. But that email calmed me and made me feel better in ways I can't describe in words. Knowing that my mentor cared enough to walk me through what at the time felt like a crisis meant the world to me.
Having a well-cultivated network helps you through tough moments. Difficult moments. Moments where there are more gray, ambiguous areas than black and white ones. Or times when you don't know what to do. While it's possible that you can make career transitions without a network, why go it alone if you don't have to?
Where to Network
Networking doesn't have to solely take place face to face. There are plenty of avenues where you can do this online. That said, you'll want to employ a mix of different networking venues and platforms.
In Person:
- If you are in school, your career services office may host networking sessions where you can meet other students and/or faculty and find out about future events. Even if your school doesn’t offer networking sessions, classes, school clubs, and organizations provide a solid means for you to meet new people.
- Tech incubators and accelerators—businesses that often provide financial resources and shared workspaces to start-up technology companies—often host a variety of events that have networking sessions in their agenda. These are great events to learn more about up-and-coming businesses and learn about potential job opportunities.
- Conferences, seminars, and similar events allow you the opportunity to not only get a deep dive in a subject area, but the opportunity to meet with professionals, educators, students, representatives from tech companies, and many others. A great example of this is the annual Grace Hopper Conference (GHC) produced by AnitaB.org. GHC has been called the largest gathering of women in the computing fields.
- Meetup.com allows people to form informal groups around topics or hobbies. While there are many tech-focused Meetups, there are several, more socially minded groups that you can take part in as well. It's free to join, and you can join as many public Meetups as you'd like.
- Many professional organizations, as part of their member benefits, host networking events throughout the year. To continue to build their membership base, they will often let nonmembers attend for free or for a fee so that guests can see what they offer, meet other members, and determine whether membership is right for them.
Online:
- Social media platforms like Facebook, Twitter, and LinkedIn can be used to meet and reach out to people to potentially network with. While you can use Twitter to follow tech news and influencers, Facebook and LinkedIn groups give you more of an avenue to share your knowledge and expertise with others. You can even build your own groups that are focused on a specific topic, like cloud computing or diversity and inclusion in tech.
- Many organizations use Slack, the collaboration and messaging tool, to better communicate with others internally. But many organizations host public Slack channels that anyone can join. For example, Blacks in Technology and We Build Black host free public Slack workspaces where you can introduce yourself and meet professionals across the world.
Mentoring
In the traditional interpretation, mentoring describes a relationship between a less experienced person and a more experienced person, with the goal of sharing knowledge, expertise, and personal/professional growth for both parties, not just the mentee.
Mentoring relationships can be formal, where you could be matched with someone through a corporate-or a professional organization–backed program, with required learning and exercises, or it can be informal, where mentor and mentee meet and discuss issues as needed. Whatever form mentoring takes, it can be one of many resources you can use to build your skills and to broaden your professional network.
Where to Find Mentors
Schools, professional organizations, and others host formal mentoring programs. In these programs, a mentee (usually someone who is new to a career field or is looking to acquire certain skills) is paired with an experienced professional who can offer guidance and feedback. Formal mentoring programs can last a few weeks to a few months and often have a prescribed curriculum/agenda, several required touchpoints between mentor and mentee, and a measurable goal for the mentee to achieve.
You can also just reach out to mentors through informal means via your school, your job, your community—just about anywhere. I gave a talk on mentoring (mentioned in more detail in Chapter 7, “Demonstrating Your Skills”), and a few minutes after speaking, one of the audience members came up and just asked me if I would serve as a mentor, to which I'm glad I said yes because she's an awesome mentee. If there's someone you admire because of their skill set and leadership ability, don't be afraid to ask them if they could serve as a mentor to you.
Blueprints for a Beneficial Mentoring Relationship
Mentoring requires a tremendous amount of effort and energy, from both the mentor and the mentee. When considering entering a mentoring relationship with someone, whether formal or informal, you spend some time reflecting on where you are, where you'd like to be, and whether you can commit to a mentoring relationship at this time.
Also consider whether your potential mentor has the ability, time, attitude, and skills to effectively mentor you. Someone who may be experiencing significant life changes or a high amount of work demands may want to help you but may not have the availability that you want or need.
Here are some questions you should ask as a potential mentee:
- Why do you believe that you need a mentor now? What are you hoping to gain out of this relationship? Can your needs be addressed by other means, like courses or other types of opportunities?
- Do you have the time to devote to this relationship? The answer to this question will have great importance for a formal mentoring relationship, where you may be asked to create agendas, participate on regularly scheduled calls, and, perhaps, write reports or give presentations. With your current school or work obligations in mind, would this be something that you'll be able to do on top of everything else?
- Are you self-motivated? Mentors can't do the work for you in terms of completing tasks or following up on specific items. They shouldn't be expected to either. As mentioned, this is your career journey, and the responsibility of getting things done and pushing through challenges is ultimately yours.
- Are you willing to be challenged? Mentors want to see their mentees succeed and grow. This means that sometimes they will need give you critical feedback. And sometimes that feedback may sting or not what you want to hear. Whether the mentor is skilled at giving feedback is another matter—the question becomes, can you accept the feedback as it is, learn from it, and move forward?
- Can you respect your mentor's time and resources? Mentors willingly and gladly give their time and resources to be in service to others, but that doesn't mean that they have an infinite supply of time and resources. They are often mentoring on top of their professional work and personal obligations. Being on time to agreed-upon meetings, as well being an engaged mentee, will go a long way in building a solid relationship.
- How do you prefer to communicate? Do you prefer face-to-face communication, or are you fine using tools such as video conferencing, email, or online chat? Would you prefer more constant communication (once a week), or would occasional contact (once a month) work better? Understanding your preferred methods and frequency of communication and knowing your mentor's preferences will increase the likelihood of successful outcomes.
When looking for potential mentors, consider the following:
- Why do they enjoy mentoring, or why are they interested in mentoring? Understanding their motivations in wanting to mentor isn't necessary to know, but it can give insight into who they are and what they value.
- Are they available and committed? While there are things that happen in our personal and professional lives that are beyond our control, the last thing you want is someone who cancels agreed-upon meetings often or is distracted or not paying attention when they are in your presence. A good mentor must be both available to help you and committed to giving you their attention.
- Can they offer constructive feedback? As mentioned, mentors will sometimes give you feedback that may be hard to hear. However, feedback should never be given in a harmful or embarrassing way.
- Do they hold you accountable? You don't want a mentor that tells you that everything you do is great all the time. One of the central themes of mentoring is growth, and in order to grow, feedback on areas of improvement is necessary. Only hearing positive feedback can be just as detrimental to your growth as (if not worse than) unnecessarily harsh feedback.
- Can you trust them? You may find that as your relationship with your mentor grows, you may begin to share very sensitive and personal information with them. You want to feel that you are in a safe space and that private information will stay private.
- Are they forgiving? You may end up running late for a meeting or find that you may not be as prepared for your meeting as you should be. While a good mentor will not let you completely off the hook (they'll call you out on it), they will also recognize that you're human and that things happen.
- Does this person have authority over you? This can be tricky. While there isn't anything wrong in having a mentor that is either a supervisor at your job or a current professor, you'll want to exercise some extra care. Because this person has some influence or position of authority in your career path, you may “edit” what you say much more or just avoid saying things altogether, which you might not do if this person had no authority over you.
Additionally, there is the potential that the mentor in this situation may try to take advantage of you. Proceed carefully.
You've Found a Mentor—Now What?
By this point, you may have formally agreed to a mentoring relationship with one (or more) people. To begin to build a great relationship with them, it is important that you both get to know each other and lay the foundation for the work you'll do together.
- Have a low-pressure “meet and greet,” if possible. This meeting should ideally happen before any actual “mentoring” happens. This is especially important for mentoring relationships where the contact will be sporadic or the mentoring is occurring long-distance.
- Thank your mentor for their time, as often as you can. Most mentors have very busy and full schedules—they mentor on top of all of their other obligations. Saying thank you is deeply appreciated and makes mentors feel valued and appreciated.
One of my career mentors, Joanna Vahlsing, senior vice president at digital marketing services firm Centro, says the best way to say “thank you” to a mentor is to stay committed to learning and growing as a professional—“That's the best gift that you can give.” If you do feel like getting them a tangible gift, it doesn't need to be a lavish gift. Rather, make it personal. If you know that there's something that they like, like coffee or books, a small denomination on a gift card will work.
- Provide feedback. It is perfectly okay and encouraged to share constructive but fair feedback with your mentor. This can help you make adjustments or ultimately decide that another mentor may better suit your needs.
For example, if your mentor has been for the most part helpful but their feedback isn't so great, you can approach them like this:
“Mary Jane, I appreciate your feedback as my mentor. Sometimes though, your feedback can be harsh. In our last conversation, when I asked you what [term X] meant since I didn't know it, you commented that I should know that and I wasn't trying hard enough in my studies. I felt hurt because I assure you I'm trying my best and I genuinely wanted your guidance.”
Once your mentor is made aware of their behavior, they can take corrective actions to ensure that they don't do it in the future.
Listen, This Isn't Working Out
Sometimes mentoring relationships get off to a great start, and the potential for a strong, lifelong relationship is possible. You have great chemistry, you understand each other's communication styles, and you respect each other. That's great!
Sometimes, however, some mentoring relationships are not meant to be. Your personalities conflict, you don't like their feedback style, they're unavailable, etc. Sometimes, you may outgrow the relationship, meaning that you did get valuable insights and experiences when your relationship started, but now that's no longer true. All of this is okay and normal.
Before ending a mentoring relationship, examine your reasoning for doing so. I believe that people think that mentors should be their friends first and have an instant rapport or chemistry. While I think that it's great if a mentor is a friend, a mentor isn't necessarily supposed to be your friend. Above all else, a mentor's primary concern should be helping you to grow and get better, even at the risk of not being considered a friend by the mentee.
When choosing to end a mentoring relationship, lean more on objective criteria (facts) versus subjective (emotions). If the relationship is truly not helping with your skill growth or the mentor doesn't possess the skills necessary to be successful, like being respectful to you, then ending the relationship may be a good move. If it's because the mentor isn't outgoing, you may want to examine this further.
Whether in a formal or informal program, here are some tips to approach ending the relationship:
- Be direct, be honest, and be respectful. You don't need a long, detailed explanation. Just explain that you're ending the relationship and the reason why. If your career situation or goals have changed or you just do not feel like the current relationship is fulfilling your needs as a mentee, say so. What you do not want to do is say things like “because you suck as a mentor.” Whether the relationship was a good fit or not does not excuse you from being professional when dealing with them.
- Thank them for their time. Again, even though it may not have been a perfect fit or the relationship may not have remained beneficial, this person did take time from their schedule to attempt to help you.
- Reflect positively on the experience. Try to remember any positive outcomes that came from your time together.
You Need a Sponsor, Not a Mentor
Finding a great mentor is hard. Many of the women I interviewed for this book stated that they had few to no mentors when entering their chosen profession. Being able to find a mentor, let alone a great one, can be difficult.
For some women, while they have a mentor or no shortage of mentors around them, they feel like they are “stuck.” They are not making the career progression they'd like to be making, or they are having difficulty being recognized for their skills and contributions. Mentors can be helpful in giving advice to fix this, but in these instances, a sponsor may be needed.
I consider sponsorship and mentorship as two very different things. A mentor can provide advice and general guidance. A sponsor can provide those things as well but can be seen more as your career champion. Sponsors publicly advocate on your behalf in and outside of the organization. They also have the authority to either create opportunities for you or heavily influence others to consider you for projects and opportunities.
Another key difference between mentors and sponsors is the amount of reputational risk they take on when advocating for you. A mentor may point you in the direction of where to find opportunities, but when a sponsor advocates for you, they are staking their reputation on the belief that you will excel in a specific opportunity. If you end up not performing to expectations, the sponsor's reputation may be at risk.
I believe you need both in order to make progress in your career. The question is when the right time is to ask for a sponsor. According to Catt Small, senior product designer for Etsy, the best time for sponsorship is when you have a specific goal in mind. “My goal, when I met this person who sponsored me, was that I wanted to do public speaking. I knew that I wanted to get on stage, and I knew that was my very specific goal. If you know what you want to do, you've given it a shot, and you're not 100 percent sure of what the right route is, it may be worth reaching out to some people who may get you closer to that goal or point out opportunities where they can actually exercise their skills.”
I also recommend it in times where you feel a bit “over-mentored,” meaning you have been receiving (and following) great advice from many people, but for all of your efforts and patience, you are not getting hired or promoted.
You also want to be sure to build a strong relationship with a sponsor before asking them to advocate for you. Demonstrating to your sponsor what you are capable of makes it easier, and likelier, that they will take on the risk of recommending you.
Overcoming Social Anxiety
While networking certainly offers several amazing benefits, this is not to say that it comes easy to those of us who have social anxiety! Social anxiety is the fear of any type of interaction with other people. People who have social anxiety are concerned—or downright worried—that they will be looked upon negatively by other people. Many people struggle with this over the course of their lives.
This should not be confused with social anxiety disorder. The distinction between the two can be hard to pinpoint, but people with social anxiety disorder tend to experience severe physical symptoms that keep them from living a normal life.
It's completely normal to feel anxiety during networking events. But remember the following:
- You're not the only one feeling this way. Yes, there are many people who say that networking energizes them, and they feel confident. But there are just as many people who worry about looking foolish or dumb. It's okay to have these feelings. But …
- You have plenty to offer to the conversation. Don't take the feeling you are feeling as “the truth.” Meaning, you can and should acknowledge the anxiety, but don't believe the negative thoughts. You are smart, and you bring a lot to the table in terms of skills and life experiences. Anyone in the room would be lucky to get to know you.
As someone who struggles with social anxiety often, I know it can be hard to turn the negative thoughts off and to use the anxiety as a reason not to attend or participate in networking events. But your career is too important to leave it to chance or to hope that someone will notice how awesome and talented you are on your skills alone. It's a competitive job market, and any way that you can help your efforts will make life easier.
Here are some strategies that may be helpful:
- Put your phone on silent and put it away. You can't engage in meaningful dialogue with people if you are staring into your phone. It can also be a crutch that prevents you from interacting with people. Put your phone on Do Not Disturb, turn it off, and do whatever you need to do to keep your phone time to an absolute minimum during the event.
- Bring a friend. You don't have to do this alone. Ask a friend or two to accompany you so that you won't be by yourself. You can chat with them during low points of the event, but don't stay with them all night. Make sure to move around the space where the event is being held and talk with others.
- Bring several friends. There's strength in numbers! With a group of friends, you can strategize where one or two of you can go out in pairs to network and then return to your “hub” to report on your interactions. You may get a better sense of who you may want to talk to and who you may want to try to avoid.
- Let your partner do most of the talking. If you are at a loss for what to say, ask other people open-ended questions. You can ask things like, “How are you enjoying this event so far?” or “What projects are you working on now?” You don't want to hammer them with questions all evening, but you'll get to learn more about the person you're talking with and ideally engage in a deeper-level discussion.
- Don't feel like you must talk about tech, work, or school. You can talk about movies, television, major cultural events—it's completely up to you. Plus, if you're at an all-day event focused on one topic area, you may want to talk about an entirely different topic later in the day.
- Make a networking goal. If you're someone who gets physically drained from constant networking, it may be best to set goals and pace yourself during the event. For example, at the start of the event, you could decide that you will meet one or two people. After that, you are free to do as you please for the remainder of the event.
- Talk to everyone, regardless of title or position. Talk to people who truly interest you—you share common interests or hobbies or work in similar professions and can relate to each other. Don't focus on only talking to recruiters, managers, or C-level employees, as you may miss out on meeting great people.
I met one of my dearest friends through a student recruiting/mixer event for a Chicago tech company a few years ago. She was also a student, but at Loyola University, and I was incredibly impressed with her skills and experience that I referred her for a position at my company at the time. Heck, she did my job better than I did. But our friendship has transcended employers, life events, and more. I couldn't tell you anything about the company, who worked at the company, or what exactly they were recruiting for, but I know that I'm thankful that I went and met her.
- Know when to, politely, walk away. You end up engaging with someone, and it's clear that this isn't someone that you want to keep talking to. You don't want to be rude, but at the same time, there are others for you to meet. In those instances, politely (and honestly) excuse yourself. You don't have to make up a wild excuse about a sick relative or work emergency. If you are attending a networking event, then there should be no hard feelings when you indicate that you'd like to mingle with a few other people.
- Avoid or limit alcohol. While alcohol is regarded as a “social lubricant” that makes people calmer and “more fun to be around,” nothing could be further from the truth. Alcohol tends to break down people's inhibitions, but to the point where they are engaging in reckless or unprofessional behavior. If you're underage, don't drink, and if you are of age, enjoy it responsibly. The last thing that you want to do is leave a bad impression with potential future colleagues and employers.
Strengthening Your Connections
You've been going to events and conferences, joined some online groups, and are making connections online and off. That's fantastic! So, how do you keep the momentum going with your newfound connections?
The first thing is to follow up after your initial contact. Your follow-up should not be an “ask” like, “Can you refer me to a job in your organization?” or “Can you write a letter of recommendation on my behalf?” It gives your newfound contact the impression that you view theirs as a purely transactional relationship or a relationship that you feel is only worth having if you get something out of it.
Rather, adopt a giving mind-set, and think about what you can offer to your new connection. Think that you don't have anything to offer? Trust me, you have plenty of things to offer, including (and not limited to) the following:
- Congratulating them on a major accomplishment or life milestone (getting married or having a baby)
- Recommending a book, website, article, or other resource that you think they'd find useful
- Introducing them to other people who you'd think they'd like to talk to
- Inviting them to an event they may be interested in going to
- Helping with a project they are working on or problem they are having
There's no limit to what you can offer, and not all offers need to be monetary in nature. Knowledge is a powerful currency, and those who can help people connect with others or resources are highly valued.
Summary
- Creating and cultivating a good network is not only great for helping for future job opportunities, but it makes the difficulties of the job (and life!) much easier to withstand.
- Conferences, events, professional organizations, school, and LinkedIn are just a few of many great places to meet new people and grow your network.
- It's okay to be anxious about networking! Just don't let it get in the way of you meeting great people.
- Mentoring can be beneficial to mentors and mentees alike, if both are willing to put in the time and effort a mentoring relationship requires.
- Mentoring can be great for general career guidance and advice, but a sponsor may be necessary to advocate for you and advance your career.
- Adopt a give versus take mind-set when developing your relationship with your new network connections. You have more to give than you know.