10
The Internal Battle
“Often there will be nothing you need to do about your private feelings. They don't have to be acted on. Or run away from. Or turned into something else. They don't have to be turned on someone else. They are just part of what makes you human in your own unique way.”
Susie Orbach, On Eating
The hardest, scariest battles are the ones we wage with ourselves. There is no bigger demon than our own fears and judgements. This is what the much misused word “jihad” or holy war, actually refers to. The battle between light and dark that rages inside of us. The head-on clash between our positive sense of self and our own negativity. This sense of limitation impacts almost everyone. And the more you care, the more your Quest matters to you, the more likely you are to occasionally feel overwhelmed by your internal demons. Many talented people have struggled with their mental health. Indeed here seems to be a connection between the energy of creation and instability in our inner world.
As you move toward your Supreme Ordeal, it can feel exhausting. The journey seems to have gone on forever. In the final stages of the Quest, it is absolutely normal and natural to struggle with your demons. You seem so far from the start line – so far from the safety of the familiar. And yet the destination you long to see, the vision you have invested so much in, still seems very far away. Perhaps you begin to wonder if it is even a real possibility. Perhaps you fear your destination is a fantasy or a mirage.
These fears are not unfounded. It may not work. You may not be recognized. You may not get what you want. This uncertainty is the very nature of the Quest. Or, to paraphrase Joseph Campbell, “You may discover that you are at the top of the ladder, but that it is leaning against the wrong wall.”
So you are right to be concerned that your life, liberty and state of mind are at stake. Sometimes, the best that we can do is literally make it through the day. As my dear friend and fellow creative, Hannah, shared with me, “Erica, there are days when the inner world is so painful and exhausting that the very best you can accomplish is simply to keep breathing until it is time to go to bed.”
This chapter is about those days and times. Those moments when you need to deal with guilt, resentment, fear or doubt. We will look at how to recover lost confidence and rebuild motivation. We will examine what we need to do to keep our faith that this is only the darkness before the dawn.
Facing Your Fear
“If everybody was satisfied with himself, there would be no heroes.”
Mark Twain
You will remember that we spoke about fear as a projection into the future – a future event appearing real. Although we know fear to be at heart an illusion, this knowledge is not always enough to eliminate our suffering. And fear can be a great teacher as well as a bringer of gifts. We rarely take the opportunity to look deeply into ourselves, to question the ground on which we stand. When fear and sorrow are present, we are more receptive to learning. Our suffering and our vulnerability allow us to perceive the world differently. It's uncomfortable. Hard. The process of rebirth or recreation is often painful.
Fear of failure, rejection, ridicule or abandonment lie deeply rooted within each of us. Our survival as infants depends upon winning the nurture and affection of others with greater power or resources than us. When situations reach a point where we fear we may be rejected by those closest to us, our emotions can reach fever pitch.
I was once in this position having left a relationship. I heard the Call, that it was time to move on. I was young, passionate, attractive, I didn't need to hold on to something that wasn't working. But somehow, I couldn't quite break free. No matter which ways I tried, I found myself drawn back to my ex. I got more and more frustrated and frightened as increasing amounts of energy went into taking my attention off this person. I couldn't sleep. The weight fell off me. My behaviour became erratic, my moods swung wildly. I literally had no idea what I was going to do or say or believe next. Having scared myself witless (and no doubt him too), with my unpredictability, I felt my sanity was holding on by a thread. I had to put in place an intense set of rules and regulations and sit with my battle until the desperation passed. This experience was humbling, horrific, scary and undoubtedly transformative for me. Until I had walked the dark night of the soul I was not in a position to be able to genuinely hold a light for others. Agonizing and confusing as this experience was, I don't regret it as it helped me to become a better coach and a more compassionate human being.
Whatever pains your trials are currently causing you – wherever the inner critic and self doubt want to go today, can you hold on to the possibility that there is a gift of transformation in it for you?
What could your trials be teaching you?
Managing Your Mind
Resilience, our emotional fitness, the ability to endure, is a key quality for surviving the emotional agonies of a Supreme Ordeal. Whether it is grief, loss, defeat or anxiety that we need to meet head on, our ability to feel the pain and continue, determines how and when we emerge out the other side.
Our inner critic, with its bullying and unkind tone, can eliminate confidence, sap our enthusiasm and kill our passion if we let it. We need to arm ourselves with an equally powerful inner cheerleader, to come to our defense when our berating voice is blaring at full volume.
Look at any of our sporting heroes and you will see this agony and ecstasy in action. Andy Murray, restorer of the bruised ego of British tennis, went through a slew of defeats, challenges and battles over the years. He seemed to continually fall at the last hurdle. His tipping point came with the hire of Ivan Lendl as his coach. Aside from helping Andy to make the most of his form, skills and physical ability, Lendl also taught him to work effectively to harness the power and focus of his mind.
How is it that Lendl knew how to help Andy? Because he had been there. He had also managed to lose four Grand Slams in a row during his career in tennis. But he turned it around and had a terrific run of success in the eighties and nineties. Andy needed to know how he did it. The combination of tools they used were:
- Positive self-talk,
- Visualization, and
- Impulse control.
1. Positive Self-Talk
We need to find the ways in which we can be our own best friend. We need to learn to be our defender, a warrior and a coach to stretch and challenge ourselves. Talking kindly to ourselves, in the soft tones we would use for a frightened child or animal, can help immensely at these times. We need to allay the anxiety and address our need for safety before we can think clearly about next steps. We need to work with the part of ourselves that feels defeated and incapable, offering it positive affirmation and stimulus to move through the latest challenge into the calm after the storm.
If you have children or animals of your own or are close to those belonging to others, you will know this voice. The one that greets the grazed knee, the absent teddy bear or the lost and scared. The part of you that is just doing the best he or she can and is now run ragged.
What does the child within you need to hear?
You don't need to offer your comfort out loud, but you do need to find the place in you that needs to hear it.
Take a moment now. Put your hand in the place where there is wounding or pain or discomfort in your body. Your heart? Your guts? Your throat? Rest a warm hand there and talk kindly and gently to that part of you. It needs your attention.- What are the cruelest jibes and tricks that your inner critic plays on you?
- What is the counterbalance statement you need to make?
2. Visualization Tools
Scientists are just starting to discover how we can use the power of our minds to do extraordinary things. Recent research has indicated that focusing our mind's attention on injured parts of our bodies can speed up healing. Sportspeople have long known about the power of visualization.
Taking ten minutes per day to visualize yourself at the end of the Quest can help to bolster your confidence when you are at a low ebb. Imagine yourself at the completion of the Quest, achieving and enjoying the experience of success. Are you holding a healthy child? Signing your first book deal? Seeing your clients succeed in their health/career/life challenges?
You may use this tool to keep you calm and serene in the face of challenge. Alternatively it might work best for you to imagine a positive result, leaving you energized and excited.
A useful format for visualization is the ideal scene. In Chapter 4, I asked you to describe what life would be like if you achieved your Quest. A way through the challenges of the Belly of the Whale is to reorient yourself and your subconscious to these goals. You do this through reading aloud your ideal scene, 100 times over. Take time to feel all the emotions that pass through you as you do this. You do not need to do this all in one go. Five or 10 times a day over a period of weeks will be enough to reinforce your direction and bring you the strength to continue.
3. Impulse Control
When we are battling our inner demons, we can find it very hard to find perspective. The stress we put ourselves under manifests itself in our body. The first place you find this stress is in the breath. When we are anxious our breathing becomes more frequent and shallow, causing our bodies to be deprived of oxygen. If we learn to control our breath, we are better able to control our mind.
The simplest form of mindfulness simply involves closing your eyes and observing your breath. All you need do is watch and name the “in” and the “out” breath. Take time now to try it. Close your eyes. Focus on the bottom of your nose, where air enters through your nostrils and just watch and name.
A 2009 study by the University of North Carolina observed through MRI scans that those who practice regular mindfulness have better cognition, more balanced emotional responses and higher levels of immunity.
So as the Buddhist joke goes, don't just do something, sit there!
Mind Your Inner Language
Our negative nature loves to keep us stuck. The inner critic has a way of hitting home and creating inner pain in a more potent way than most external forces. We can find ourselves crippled by the voice in our head unless we take some action to manage it. One way to do this is to mind our inner language. Usually our internal questioning concerning ourselves and our situation is quite disempowered. Why is this happening to me? Why can't I just get a grip? The answers to these kinds of questions are likely to breed more negativity and despair. When we begin to notice the quality of our questioning, we can change the experience that the questions give us. If we ask a more empowered question, we are likely to engage in a more constructive inner conversation. Empowered questions focus on the possibilities available to us. They include:
- “How can I make this situation more enjoyable?”
- “What is the best next step I can take?”
“Who do I know who could help me with this?”Maintaining Momentum
“The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.”
Martin Luther King Jr.
When the drudge of putting one foot in front of the other hits, it can be easy to lose your momentum. The wonder and energy that greeted your acceptance of the Quest is over and the fanfare of departure far behind you. It has grown quiet and lonely; you are in the dark belly of your work. At these times, it is important to reach out for support and for company. Spend time with people who make you laugh; find opportunities to learn – whether through free podcasts, books, seminars, great conversations or time with your mentor. All of these can provide sustenance in the lonely time.
- What music makes you feel most inspired and happy?
- What images, thoughts, ideas, bring you joy and inspiration?
- Who do you need to spend time with to recharge your batteries and zest?
Changing your environment or company can also help to move out of this state. I don't want you to run away from the wisdom that sits in uncomfortable feelings. But at the same time, if you know you have isolated yourself from the support you need or it really is time to take a walk, do that. Find a way to reconnect and receive help to move your energy.
Things that I personally have found helpful to move through pain or anxiety include:
Whether you do it on paper internally or speak it out, you do need to articulate where you are right now, however tough that feels. By being in touch with your vulnerability, frailty and sensitivity, you make it possible to move through.
- What do you need to say or have heard to help you shift gear?
- Who can you spend time with to remind yourself of who you are and the progress you have made toward where you are going?
Patience and Persistence
“It will never work. It's hopeless.”
So sayeth the inner voice.
And it might be right.
So, can we learn to be OK with the fact that it may not work? Nothing in life comes with a “satisfaction guaranteed” sticker. You might put in a phenomenal amount of effort toward your Quest and yet may not get the outcome you were so hoping for in the time you have invested in it. The key Question is, are you willing to put forward that effort nonetheless?
Atticus Finch is a small-town lawyer fighting for justice in the book, To Kill a Mockingbird. He teaches his children the importance of justice, courage and standing up for what's right: “Courage is not a man with a gun in his hand. It's knowing you're licked before you begin but you begin anyway and see it through no matter what. You rarely win, but sometimes you do.”
Our internal drives are impatient. We want to have everything now, just the way we think it should be. We forget that there is a process in which things happen and that there is no way round but to honour that process however slow, painful or circuitous it might be. Einstein worked for years as a patent office clerk to fund himself while he worked on his theories. Cezanne produced his best work in his sixties and it took him a long and winding road to get there. Our mindset may need to be “it takes as long as it takes.” Like the female mountaineers in Chapter 9, we may discover that a whole other Quest needs to happen before we continue on our path. Or that our aspirations do not match our practical reality.
We need to learn to cultivate patience. To see the Hero's Journey as a spiral rather than a straight line. We may not get exactly what we had hoped for first time round. But the experience of the journey better equips us to try again. If there is anything to be learned from our Questing ancestors, it is that perseverance eventually pays off. The Greek philosopher Heraclitus told us “You never step in the same river twice.” If you need to go back and try again, you are different and have grown and the situation is never a carbon copy of your previous encounter.
The Stories We Tell Ourselves
The reason that fears and doubts are a risk to us is not because of the future possibility we see in them. Instead it is about the leap we take that goes: “If this doesn't work out it will mean that I am _________.”
It is not what happens or might happen, it is what we will make it mean about ourselves that is crippling.
Shakespeare's play, Hamlet, concerns a troubled hero who is asked by the ghost of his father to avenge his murder. Hamlet takes all manner of unnecessary actions because he is distracted and consumed by his own obsessive thinking. Our thoughts can overwhelm and distress us.
Looking at our fears and doubts on paper can help us to navigate a way through them. But first we have to name them. This exercise is a useful one if you are becoming paralyzed by fear or doubt.
Complete the sentences. …- I am afraid that …
- I think that it is unlikely that I will …
- What am I making this mean about who I am and what I can do?
A Lifetime's Preparation
Often our worry and fear proves misplaced. We are better prepared, more resourceful and readier than we thought. We can surprise ourselves.
The poet, David Whyte's big break came at a conference when a key speaker cancelled. He describes trying to prepare for days beforehand and somehow not being able to focus or concentrate. When he arrived at the podium, in front of 3000 watchful faces, he had nothing scripted, but he realized as he looked at them and they looked at him, “that his whole life had been a preparation for that moment.”
In what ways have you “prepared your whole life” for this Quest?
When we release our expectations of how something will be, we are free to enjoy whatever turns up. No doubt we will have dreamed about this moment, putting our own gloss and story into the future picture. We humans tend to see in black and white. In polarities. Everything will be perfect. Everyone will be wonderful. The earth will move. Or, it'll be a disaster. It's going to be a nightmare. I will be humiliated.
If you find yourself at either end of the spectrum, you might find it useful to explore what else could be true. Life will be what it is. If you have done all you can to prepare for this moment, the rest is in the lap of the gods.
“Heroes are made by the paths they choose, not the powers they are graced with.”
Brodi Ashton, Everneath
Above all, keep taking action. Keep experimenting. Take one small step and then another. Keep tabs on the bird's eye view and the worm's eye view. Glance up to the summit and find the heart to take the next step. And then another. Have faith. You have made preparations, you have chosen your new future. You are going to keep on keeping on until you get there.
I believe in you. Do you?
Chapter Summary- Our most frightening battles are the ones that take place internally.
- Everyone imposes limits on themselves and has to work consciously to free themselves from them.
- On the Quest, persistence, patience and perseverance always pay off.
- We will always reach a result although it may not be what we expected or may not give us what we thought it would.
- Learning to self-manage is critical – using healthy habits and mindset tools to help us become more resilient and get more done.
- We need to take care of ourselves and acknowledge our vulnerability – a Quest would not be a Quest if it weren't a real and genuine challenge.