STEP FOUR

Grab Your
Readers’ Attention

We’re always vying for readers’ attention and pushing our ideas to be read in a business environment where employees at all levels are inundated with information. On a typical business day, the average worker is exposed to more than 3,000 marketing messages. These include newspaper ads, radio/TV commercials, billboards, transit ads, emails promoting business services, office posters pushing company activities, intranet ads, and much more.

Communication theorists call this information overload, a term I first heard as a college student in the 1970s. If there was overload 30 years ago, think how it’s exploded now that the typical worker has a mobile phone, a PDA, and whatever the next new “must-have” communication tool is.

Most employees today are impatient and don’t want to slog through several paragraphs before figuring out what you’re trying to say. They want text that’s explicit and concise, with a clear action step. In other words, they want you to get to the point immediately.

To connect with distracted employees, write documents that break through the clutter. In many cases, the quality of your document and how quickly you get to the point will determine how soon it’s read—in fact, if it’s read at all. For an example of an attention grabber, see example 4.1.

EXAMPLE 4.1

Getting a Prospect’s Attention

Start with the
Most Important Point

As we’ve seen in examples in earlier steps, writing clear and concise text means getting to the point right away. This skill is second nature for journalists because they need to capture readers’ attention in the first paragraph of a news report. (Newspaper editors fitting copy on a page cut from the bottom, so the point of the story had better be at the top.) Having been trained as a journalist, I believe that starting with a lead—the point that’s most critical—and following the lead with the other information in descending order of importance is the best way to hook readers. In journalism, this method is known as the “inverted pyramid.”

Example 4.2 presents the titles and opening paragraphs for what could be online articles on a typical news website, where writers vie for readers by conveying the gist of their stories in one or two sentences. Readers who want to learn more click through to the full article; those who don’t care to know more about the topic still understand the essence of the story.

You can use the same strategy with your business documents. State the heart of your message in the first couple of sentences. If

EXAMPLE 4.2

News Story Opening Paragraphs That Grab Attention

you don’t, you may wander through a lot of introductory explanation and appear indecisive. See the example below.

• Indecisive: Due to the systemwide failure, the difficulty in explaining the new procedures, and unexpected and sudden sick days, it is likely that we will deliver the XY project three to four days late.
• Decisive and to the point: The XY project will be delivered on September 15, four days late. You can fill in the reasons why in the second sentence, if the reader needs to know.

You can also show you’re in control—and demonstrate leadership qualities—by approaching the message from a problem– solution–next step perspective. Here’s an example:

• Too much introduction: It is my understanding that revenues showed a decline of 12 percent in the three quarters just past. We should do and need to do better. That means we need ideas that will produce an increase in sales. What I would recommend is the emailing of gift certificates worth $50 in value to all prospects. If successful, this effort could result in a rise in sales of 15 percent during the next quarter. For us to proceed, approval from Sue Ross is essential. If you could send her an email detailing the cost estimate of this initiative fairly soon, it would be appreciated. Then we could begin the project toward the beginning of May and see how well this marketing idea will work.
• Problem–solution–next step approach:
  1. Problem: 12 percent decline in revenues for the past three quarters.
  2. Solution: emailing $50 gift certificates to all prospects, potentially boosting sales by 15 percent next quarter.
  3. Next step: email cost estimate to Sue Ross by April 15 so she can approve and we can begin by May 1.

After you’ve listed those three points, put them into clear sentences:

By writing according to that simple three-point outline, I chopped the number of sentences from seven to two, with less than half the number of words. To achieve this cut, I also eliminated these unnecessary phrases:

• I understand that
• This means
• It would be appreciated.

Here’s another example:

Let’s apply the problem–solution–next step approach to that wandering and wordy message:

1. Problem: Bookkeeping mistakes rose 20 percent in first six months, according to July 15 report.
2. Solution: 20 hours of additional training for the accounting team.
3. Next step: Instruct the Learning and Development department to schedule training for September and October.

We can use virtually the same words to write one short paragraph:

That’s direct and clear. And look at how much we cut from the original document:

• 38 words instead of 111
• two sentences instead of seven
• one paragraph instead of two
• five fewer phrases (all worthless):
  • I went through the report
  • which was just given to me
  • the issue of
  • we find that these mistakes are
  • it looks like we need some changes.

Unleash Verb Power

One of the best and simplest ways to enliven your text is to use strong verbs, the most powerful parts of speech in the English language. Wherever possible, write with active verbs instead of weak passive verbs and verb-nouns (also called hidden verbs). Let’s look at some examples:

1. Weak: Most workers are in agreement that shipping costs could be lowered. This sentence uses the passive verb are with the verb-noun agreement.
   Strong: Most workers agree that shipping costs could be lowered. In this rewritten sentence, the active verb agree replaces the passive verb are and the verb-noun agreement.
2. Weak: They are all of the opinion that monthly meetings can boost morale. Here the passive verb of combines with verb-noun opinion.
   Strong: They all believe that monthly meetings can boost morale. The active verb is believe.

   Use active verbs to pump up the energy in your text.

3. Weak: New hires need to have an understanding  of benefits after two months on the job. The passive verb have joins the verbnoun understanding.
   Strong: New hires need to understand  their benefits after two months on the job. The active verb is understand.
4. Weak: Please take the account coordinators’ suggestions under consideration.  Here the verb-noun is consideration.
   Strong: Please consider the account coordinators’ sugges tions. The active verb is consider.
5. Weak: All regional managers need to perform an analysis of sales trends. The verb phrase perform an analysis contains the verb-noun analysis.
   Strong: All regional managers need to analyze  sales trends. The active verb is analyze.
   

If those examples seem overly simple, that’s because they are. Replacing weak verbs and verb-nouns with active verbs produces simple sentence structures that communicate the message clearly and in a more compelling way. And it is simple to do. It requires only that you look closely at what you’ve written and pump up the energy with straightforward action words. Tool 4.1 will help you identify verbs hidden in nouns and replace them with active verbs.

Enliven Dull Business Copy with
Compelling Language

Let’s face it: Most of what we write at work isn’t thrilling—unless budget analyses, management reviews, and meeting reports excite you. Most of us would rather read the beautifully descriptive language of a novel, biography, or poem than the dry-as-toast verbiage of business writing. We can’t use flowery words to enliven business text. Don’t try recapping a meeting by writing that the CFO wore an exquisite red paisley tie that complemented his finely tailored, single-breasted black suit or that the glistening sun lit the pudgy

TOOL 4.1

Turn Hidden Verbs into Active Verbs

with compelling language that engages the reader. Here are a couple of examples that use lively words to express the energy of the information as well as the details of it:

• The CEO fired up the salesforce at today’s meeting, challenging it to uncover prospects’ hot buttons and probe its long-term goals.
• In 20 years on the account service team, Jill Blass continually has exceeded clients’ expectations, while training thousands of entry-level employees and developing innovative work flows that boosted efficiency by as much as 30 percent.

Sometimes, changing a single word can make a huge difference. Here are two examples of sentences instantly improved by compelling words (in these cases, metaphors).

1. Okay: The new five-year plan will enable our firm to achieve new heights.
   More compelling: The new five-year plan will propel our firm to new heights.
2. Okay: ABC Company’s innovative marketing is helping it achieve unprecedented revenue growth.
   More compelling: ABC Company’s innovative marketing is fueling unprecedented revenue growth.

Want more examples? Just read a few newspaper and magazine articles and you’ll find plenty of this powerful language.

Focus on the readers’ trigger points to spur them to act.

Selecting words that enliven your text takes thought and practice—or a quick peek into an online thesaurus. Tool 4.2 offers some examples you’ll find useful in drafting your business text.

Hit Readers’ Trigger Points

If you know your readers, you probably know their hot buttons—what moves them to pay attention and take action. With CEOs, it may be profitability; with operations managers, it may be productivity; and

TOOL 4.2

Bring Dull Business Language to Life

with HR directors, it may be morale. Here is some language that’s likely to prompt the desired action from your reader:

• CEO: If we open two new distribution centers, profits can climb by 8 percent.
• Operations manager: We need to hire 10 more people to achieve our productivity goals.
• HR director: To boost our sagging morale, I suggest holding two social events a quarter.

Your Turn

Try these exercises to help you write compelling text more instinctively.

1. 1. Replace the hidden verbs (shown in bold italic type) with active verbs. Change the word order in the sentence if necessary.
   • We have two weeks to make a decision on whether to switch software vendors.
   • Because production has had a drop for the third consecutive quarter, we need to conduct a study of the entire cycle.
   • On Tuesday, the CFO will make an announcement on which of the proposed projects will be funded.
2. Shrink this paragraph to one sentence that gets to the key point immediately:

   Changes have been observed in the workflow patterns at our southwest warehouse. Employees are handling far more tasks than they had previously as a result of the increase in orders. Considering this change, we should add to this warehouse staff by taking on eight more employees. It would be best if three of them had management experience.

The Next Step

Text that grabs your attention is not necessarily easy to read, especially with longer documents. Sentences need rhythm to carry the reader along. How to develop and use rhythm in business text is the topic of Step 5: Write with Rhythm to Hold Your Readers.

NOTES