5.
SAY “I DON’T KNOW”
“To admit to ignorance, uncertainty or ambivalence is to cede your place on the masthead, your slot on the program, and allow all the coveted eyeballs to turn instead to the next hack who’s more than happy to sell them all the answers.”
Why is Not Knowing so hard? To move forward in situations of uncertainty we have to cross the threshold, the edge at “Finis-terre.” And the only way to do that is to make a simple but devilishly hard statement: “I don’t know.”
Legend goes that Socrates’ friend Chaerephon asked the Delphic Oracle whether anyone was wiser than Socrates. When the answer came back that there was none wiser in the whole of Athens, Socrates set out on a mission to solve the paradox. How could he, a man so profoundly ignorant, be considered to be the wisest man of all? He spoke to politicians, poets and other elites, and realized that they were all pretending to have knowledge and wisdom. Socrates concluded that the Oracle was right. Unlike everyone else, he knew that he was ignorant, which made him wise: “I know one thing: that I know nothing.”
Can we accept that we don’t know? Can we admit that we don’t know? Can we deliberately acknowledge and enter into a space where our frame of reference is “I don’t know?” So when the boss says – “I looked at the data and I know that if we take this course of action sales will rise” – we can say – “This is a new market, so we can’t be sure. Let’s try a variety of things.” Or when we attend a meeting that goes over our heads, rather than go along with it all and pretend that we understand the issues and agree to the actions, can we say “I am not yet decided. Can we discuss this further?” This may be unsettling, especially if we are leading others or a key decision maker. As Nicolas Petrovic, CEO of Eurostar, says: “the managers who can’t tolerate ambiguity are those that feel lost when you answer ‘it depends’.”
It’s hard not to know when people are looking to us to supply the answers. Tim Kreider describes the dilemma facing journalists like him: “The one thing no editorialist or commentator in any media is ever supposed to say is ‘I don’t know’: that they’re too ignorant about the science of climate change to have an informed opinion; that they frankly have no idea what to do about gun violence in this country; or that they’ve just never quite understood the Israeli-Palestinian conflict and in all honesty they’re sick of hearing about it.”70
Quoting British psychoanalyst Wilfred Bion, academics Robert French and Peter Simpson argue that if we can resist the temptation to fill in with knowing the space that is created by ignorance, we allow for new ideas, thoughts and insights to emerge.71
This doesn’t mean that we need to forget everything, or deny what we already know. It rather means that we can hold our knowledge and our ideas lightly. Bion provides the metaphor that we need a “binocular vision” – keeping both what we know and what we don’t know in focus at the same time.
When Francisca Perez, an experienced scientist from Spain, recently moved from a science-led pharmaceutical company to a commercial tourism firm in Switzerland, she found resistance to her usual Not Knowing approach. “From my scientist perspective, ‘I don’t know’ was synonymous with ‘I’m confident’ (only insecure people need to fake it) and ‘you can trust me’ (because I will tell you exactly what I know and what I don’t).”
However, she quickly came to realize that those words had a completely different meaning in the business world. She was now working in a fast-paced industry, in a role where her input could have a very direct impact on business results. It was fundamental that she knew and could supply certainties. “In this new context, saying ‘I don’t know’ was the equivalent of saying ‘I’m not suitable for the job’.” For the first time in her life, Francisca found herself in a situation where she did not have the permission to not know. For a number of months she silently wondered every day whether she would make the mistake that would result in her eventually being fired. Francisca has since adapted to the new environment and learned how to balance the tension between her internal openness to Not Knowing and the outside pressure to know.
In spite of the potential risks, admitting that we don’t know can develop a sense of connection with those around us. The vulnerability and humility in that admission can bring us closer to the people we work with, and can engage them in the challenge of moving forward and trying to solve the problem at hand. The power differential and the hierarchical structure become inconsequential when we are facing our biggest challenges together.
Glenn Fernandez, a former senior sales manager at an international dairy company, found himself leading a new team after a restructure. He recalls: “I didn’t know how to engage these people that had lost half of their work due to the change in business strategy. They used to be a high-performing team, but now they seemed disengaged, lacking drive and purpose. Managing people through a period of uncertainty is a tough gig, and the key executive that had faith in me had left the organization, so I had no support. This is where I went ‘holy shit’! This is where I felt the most vulnerable. I had lost my way, and my biggest supporter and advocate was not there... I shrunk in my shell. I struggled for several weeks, turning up to work and doing stuff, not understanding my purpose. I felt insecure. I really had no idea what to do with this new team. I was in this dark spot and I swirled around it for a while, with no guidance from anyone.”
One day Glenn decided to take the team away and create a space to talk about what was going on. They went on a two-day off-site trip. He decided to take the risk of sharing that he felt insecure, how he’d been waiting for someone to tell him what to do. He confided in them that he did not know how to deal with the situation, that he had more questions than answers. It was the first time that he had opened up to a new team about his vulnerabilities and he was really nervous. The organization had a top-down, micromanagement culture. None of his managers had ever shared their insecurities with him.
“The message to them was – ‘I trust you, I respect you, and they got it’. What happened was that sharing with them how I felt opened up the space for them to also share their story with the group. Everyone had the same reaction to the changes, insecurity, self-doubt... it was a shared experience that galvanized the team. Saying ‘I don’t know’ is a great leveller.”
The act of saying “I don’t know” sends a clear signal to others that this is a situation where existing knowledge will not be our guide. It gives us and others permission to look for other ways, to be a beginner again. Acknowledging our limitations is incredibly liberating. As Jean-Jacques Rousseau writes, “I do not know is a phrase which becomes us.”