CHAPTER 13

Giving and Receiving Personal Feedback

When our customers give us feedback in the form of complaints, we have a chance to learn from them. If we handle their complaint well, we also have an opportunity to strengthen our relationship with them.

Why shouldn’t this apply to our personal relationships as well? If we don’t speak up, our relationships may break and end. Not saying anything could be a big mistake.

ACTIVITY
94

Why Provide Feedback?

We have stated that complaints and feedback are both gifts, even though our emphasis has been on complaints. When we refer to feedback, we are telling a person that something needs to improve or change. It’s not positive feedback, which we call recognition.

We consider all feedback to be positive as it can alert you to valuable information. Imagine if you never gave feedback to your children, spouse, colleagues, or employees. What would happen?

LTIO: Do you like giving feedback? Yes_________ No_________ Why?

What bothers you the most about providing feedback?

Sometimes we are not good at giving feedback. We are too aggressive, too passive, confusing, or indirect. In all these cases, feedback becomes more of a problem than a gift. The person receiving it may get angry, and then we have a self-fulfilling prophecy that feedback destroys relationships, so we stop providing feedback. But not delivering feedback also destroys relationships. What should we do? We can learn to deliver feedback in a constructive way.

LTIO: Who do you need to deliver feedback to that you haven’t? Will silence fix the problem? What is the cost of not saying what you think? Let’s learn how to deliver feedback constructively. In the next activity, we suggest ten ideas to deliver constructive feedback.

Notes:

ACTIVITY
95

Guidelines for Providing Feedback

Simple ideas are sometimes the best to follow for helping people develop and grow. The following ideas are easy to implement and maintain respect for the person to whom you are giving feedback.

1. Don’t give feedback in front of others.—Wait until you can schedule a time to talk with that person one on one.

2. Ask for permission.—People can better hear feedback if they know it is coming. Telling them prepares the brain. Don’t say, “Can I give you some feedback?” This only creates stress. Instead say, “Hey, can we talk about what happened at my party?” Then wait for the yes or the approval of the other person. Don’t just drop the feedback on top of them. If the person says this is not a good time, don’t take it as a rejection. It’s good to know the feedback probably will not be taken well at that moment. Ask, “When would be a good time for us to talk?”

3. Check your mindset and emotions.—Make sure you have the right mindset and emotions when providing feedback. If you are angry, even if you planned every word, your comments probably would sound aggressive. Reduce your stress. Use a stress ball, listen to music, or anything that can calm you down. Your mindset should be “How can I help this person change so I can create a better relationship with them?” or “How can I add value with my feedback?” and not “How can I make them feel bad?”

4. Ask questions.—Once you have their agreement to talk, then ask questions. Many times, we just go directly to what we want to get off our chest instead of asking the other person first what they feel or think. Maybe that person will tell you exactly what was on your mind. For example, instead of saying, “I think it was rude of you to interrupt in front of my guests. It made me feel put down,” ask, “How do you think the party went?” or “How did you like the way the conversation went? What about your behavior? I honestly thought you interrupted me quite a bit. How did you feel? How do you think others felt?”

5. Speak in your own voice.—Do not say, “Somebody asked me about how I could stand all the interrupting you did.” When you start this way, what do you think happens next? Immediately, you lose focus to discuss what you want to say. The person you are providing feedback will ask, “Who told you?”

The situation grows only more dire if your information is not accurate. They will say, “Who is spreading all this gossip?” If you are not sure about what happened, it’s better to ask questions. Hopefully the person will acknowledge what occurred.

6. Do not use the “sandwich” technique.—This old technique says you must start your feedback with something positive. Then sandwich in the negative things you have to say, and finally close with a positive statement. This advice isn’t good because most everyone knows the sandwich technique. Once the person you are providing feedback to hears a positive statement, they start waiting for the negative, which is the whole point of the feedback. Instead, praise someone when you need to, deliver the feedback constructively when you have to, but don’t mix the two. Finishing with a positive comment after the negative is useless as it takes power away from what you just said and what the person needs to work on.

7. Ask about the impact of their behavior on you or others.—Once the person has recognized what they did, it’s important they understand why you want them to change their behavior. A good way to do that is to ask about the impact of their behavior: for example, “What do you think was the impact on me when you interrupted me at my dinner gathering?” This helps them grow as they realize the effect of their behaviors not just on you but others as well.

8. Ask leading questions.—If the person doesn’t see the effect of their behavior, ask leading questions, such as “Can you see why I get annoyed when you interrupt me in front of others?”

9. End with “What’s next.”—Ask questions such as “What can I count on from you?” or “I don’t want to have this situation happen again. What can we both do to make sure it doesn’t? Our friendship is too important to me to go through this again.”

10. Review and reinforce.—When you meet again, ask, “How are we doing? Are you okay with how we’re communicating now?”

LTIO: With these ten ideas, you’re ready to deliver constructive feedback, so let’s practice!

Write the names of four people you will deliver feedback to, the topic, by when, and what happened.

ACTIVITY
96

Be Specific When Giving Feedback

When delivering feedback, let the person know what your feedback conversation will be about. Help them be prepared to learn from your feedback and not be stressed.

If someone asks you, “Can I give you some feedback?” or they say directly, “I have a concern,” make sure to ask specifically what it’s about. In this way, you can be prepared to accept the feedback as a gift and not as a stressor.

LTIO: Read the examples below and indicate what might be said in each case so the person receiving the feedback is best prepared to hear and grow from what you want to say.

Example 1—A coworker sitting close by you noisily chews her gum. It drives you crazy. You can’t concentrate, and you think it’s not professional to be chewing gum while taking calls from customers. You would like to suggest she change this habit. How do you tell her you’d like to talk with her about “something” so she’ll be open-minded when you talk?

Example 2—You are on a committee of CSRs looking into how your company can learn about recurring problems. You have been charged with leading the group, but another member of your committee is bossy and acting as if they are in charge. You want to let this person know the impact this is having on you and the committee. How will you let this person know specifically what you will be discussing so they will be open-minded when you talk with them?

Notes:

ACTIVITY
97

Taking in Personal Feedback

When someone gives you feedback, use the Gift Formula. There are additional ideas that will help you feel more comfortable when receiving personal feedback.

LTIO: Put a check in the box next to each suggestion that you are likely to try.

Reschedule—Set another time if you are upset or not ready to receive feedback. You can always say, “Your feedback is very important to me, and I want to be 100 percent focused. Unfortunately, I have to run to another meeting right now. Can we meet later today?”

Actively listen—Listen with all your senses and focus. It’s a good idea to take notes and ask questions to clarify. Get as much out of this feedback, and it will become an even better gift.

Don’t interrupt—Sometimes interrupting is a way to deal with your emotions. Remember, there are two ways to interrupt: verbally and nonverbally. Nonverbally, you can make faces, let yourself get distracted, or sigh. If you need to say something, wait, be patient, breathe, and focus on what the person is saying.

Don’t get defensive or attack—Don’t say, “Well, you do it too!” These comments don’t help and will only lead to an argument and probably not getting feedback in the future. It might sometimes be difficult, but look for the pearl in the oyster.

Talk about next steps—Tell the person giving you feedback how you will improve and do things differently next time. Make a commitment to follow up on it.

Use the Gift Formula—We’ve already said this, but it doesn’t hurt to repeat this suggestion. Be grateful for the feedback, and tell the person why you are grateful.

Notes:

ACTIVITY
98

How to Get More Personal Feedback

Some people seem to get a lot of feedback and grow from it. Other people have a reputation that you better not say anything critical, or you’ll pay a price. How do you get more feedback? What do these people do? Here are four ideas.

1. Seek out feedback—Don’t wait to receive feedback. A good way to let others know you want feedback that will help you improve is to ask for it. You’ll also be more prepared to receive feedback if you ask for it.

2. Ask for help if you need it—If you need help, it’s a good idea to go to specific people and ask for feedback. They’ll appreciate being involved in your improvement.

3. Develop a reputation—Become known as someone who wants feedback. Let that be your brand.

4. Do it—Be accountable and do what you promised to do once you receive feedback. No excuses. People will tell you more if they see you are using what they say.

LTIO: Ask for feedback from three people you know who will give it to you directly and honestly. Choose a topic about which you would like this feedback. Write down who you are going to ask, by when, and state what happened.

Notes:

ACTIVITY
99

Setting Limits to Feedback

You don’t have to accept whatever feedback is given to you. It’s important to know your limits and then communicate them. Setting limits lets your family, friends, coworkers, and even bosses know your feedback limits.

Setting limits has to do with knowing the limits of your emotional space. When your space has been violated, you probably know that. If you aren’t clear with your boundaries, there’s a good chance your space will be violated again.

LTIO: Here are two examples, one at work and one in your personal life. There are no right or wrong answers; it’s a question of what is acceptable to you. If someone speaks to you privately, that may be okay; the same feedback blurted out in front of a group may be unacceptable. Remember your space limits may shift depending on the circumstances. For each of the situations below, indicate what your limits are.

1. At work—English is not your native language, and you have a slight accent. None of your callers have any difficulty understanding you—just the person sitting next to you, who can hear your calls. Once again, this person is criticizing your accent. What can you say to stop them from repeatedly bringing this up?

2. In your personal life—You are not skinny nor overweight. A good friend who is ultrathin keeps telling you that you would be more successful if you lost fifteen pounds. You feel comfortable with your weight and have no interest in going on a diet. How do you communicate that you don’t want to discuss the topic again?

Remember, feedback is good—even if it still hurts to hear someone else’s feedback. However, sometimes the sting is too painful. But it still helps to use the Gift Formula.

Notes:

ACTIVITY
100

The Gift Formula Works for Personal Feedback

You probably know the three-step Gift Formula by heart at this point. You can get even more practice using it by going through it when someone gives you feedback. Let’s review it by changing it to be appropriate when you are receiving personal feedback.

1. Respond by building rapport.

a. Whenever anyone gives you feedback, first say, “Thank you.”

b. Briefly state why you are glad to receive the feedback: “Thanks for telling me about that,” “Thanks for pointing that out. I didn’t know that irritated you,” or “Thanks. I’ve been trying to stop doing that for some time, so thanks for speaking up.”

c. If the feedback is about something you did that hurt someone or created problems at work, apologize. All you have to say is two simple words: “I’m sorry.” If the feedback is about something major, then add more words: “I’m sorry, there’s no excuse for that. Please forgive me.”

d. Tell them what you are going to do.

In many instances, with personal feedback, those first three steps are all that is required. But, if more is needed, then:

2. Recover by fixing your behavior.

a. Ask for more information about what you can do. Sometimes this is difficult when we are talking about personal feedback. You may hear all sorts of things that are difficult to hear.

b. Make any changes you need to do as quickly as you can.

c. Follow up. At some point, you should check back with the person who gave you the feedback and ask if they have seen any improvements. Also ask if there is anything else you need to work on.

3. Make it right so it doesn’t happen again.

a. Be accountable.

b. Make sure your behavior changes become habitual.

Notes:

ACTIVITY
101

Test Your Knowledge of the Gift Formula

We have made a special video for you in which we give feedback to each other and then ask you to criticize how we used the Gift Formula. You now have a level of expertise that you can demonstrate in your critique. Then we each use the Gift Formula and show an improved version of our responses. Point out the differences between the two videos.

LTIO: Watch the four videos at www.ciag.online/101 and answer the questions below.

Video 1: Did Victoria apply the Gift Formula when she received feedback from Janelle? Yes ___ No ___ Mostly ___ What could she have done better?

Video 2: How did Victoria improve at using the Gift Formula in Video 2?

Video 3: Did Janelle apply the Gift Formula when she received feedback from Victoria? Yes ___ No ___ Mostly ___ Which steps did she use? What could she have done better?

Video 4: How did Janelle improve at using the Gift Formula in video 4?

If you can see what both Janelle and Victoria did in videos 1 and 3 that could have been done better, and you can see the improvements in videos 2 and 4, then you learned a lot about the Gift Formula. Congratulations for completing 101 activities.

Notes:

SELF-CHECK: Giving and Receiving Personal Feedback

Why do you suppose feedback is so difficult to receive? What can you personally do to focus on the gifts you receive?

Why is feedback so difficult to give in a way that the other person can learn and grow and your relationship can get stronger? What can you personally do to get better at giving feedback?

What kind of a world do you think this would be if we all learned how to better take in feedback and give helpful feedback, and do it in such a way that people see the gift that is being given to them? Draw a picture!