Posture matters. Voice matters. Words matter. But behavior matters more. Much more . . . And I’m about to blow your mind.

This chapter on body language will change the way you move your body in space, and therefore the way people respond to you, forever. Sound like bullshit? Understandable, but I challenge you to read on.

Deborah Gruenfeld is a brilliant professor at Stanford University’s Michelle R. Clayman Institute for Gender Research on Voice & Influence. She has, quite simply, cracked the code of how physicality and power dynamics intersect.¹ Once you understand and master Gruenfeld’s body language techniques, you’ll walk into high-stakes situations confident in your body, fully able to read the room, and with a deep understanding of power. You’ll know exactly how to maintain it, grab it, and relinquish it.

To begin with, she starts with the following premise, one I couldn’t agree with more: people don’t listen to what we say. Indeed, her research shows that while only 7 percent of how we respond to people comes from hearing what words people say, 93 percent comes from how those words are delivered.

My clients tend to spend a great deal of time practicing the what while wholly ignoring the how. Indeed, most of us do.

What words will we say when we . . .

Pitch an idea?

Talk to someone who hurt our feelings?

Give our speech?

Ask a romantic interest on a date?

We need to stop focusing most of our efforts on the least important part of our communication—what we say. Instead, we need to work on what people actually pay attention to—how we say it.

Gruenfeld divides the how of body language as it relates to power into two distinct categories: high-playing behaviors and low-playing behaviors.

High-playing behaviors look like the body language folks often telegraph when they are in the power position and want people to know it—think claiming space, but on steroids.

Low-playing behaviors look like the body language folks often telegraph when they are not in the power position and want people to know it—not just ceding space, but relinquishing it.

Interestingly, under the right circumstances the behaviors that compose each category are not bad or good. Don’t make the mistake of thinking you should only “play high” or “play low” as a rule. The goal is simply to control your communication by identifying and using these behaviors when navigating power dynamics.

How to scare the crap out of someone even if your words sound really nice.

Take up space with your body! On an airplane or in a movie theater? Manspread! Unapologetically claim both of your armrests!

Ignore people’s “bubbles”—push into their space! Personal bubbles? What personal bubbles? My bubble is my bubble, and your bubble is my bubble! I’m a little too close to you while we talk? You’re welcome. (And if you don’t like how close I am, you can step back.)

Speak in complete sentences, whether long or short. You understand exactly what I mean. Don’t ramble on. Don’t use fragmented sentences. That’s not powerful. Watch people who are powerful. Their sentences usually have a clear beginning, middle, and end. I find short sentences to be more powerful than long ones. Take control. Say less.

Stare at folks, keep your head absolutely still, try not to blink, and never, ever look away. If you’re having trouble imagining what this looks like, think back to being a recalcitrant senior in high school. If you weren’t as rebellious as I, you’ll have to use your imagination.

Yes, what she said wasn’t scary, but how she said her words, and how your dad was looking at you, made you want to die! Your parents’ heads were as still as statues. They were barely blinking. They never broke eye contact. And that’s why they scared the crap right out of you. (As a parent I have to say you shouldn’t sneak out of the house. Do as I say, not as I did.)

When someone is talking to you, don’t look at them. Ever present an idea to someone and they didn’t even take the time to look at you? Whether consciously or unconsciously, they did that to make you feel small. Not looking at someone when they talk to you is a serious power move. Remember when you ran into the living room as a kid and said, “Mommy! Mommy! Look at my picture!” Your mom glanced over for a split second, then looked back at her work while saying, “That’s great, honey.” Remember that? That was a serious power move. Mom was saying, “I’m in charge. I can’t look at this now.” Maybe that’s why you were so mad when your first boss did the same thing to you after you finished a big project: “That’s great. Leave it on my desk.” It felt just like when you tried to show your mom those damn pictures. In both situations you intuitively understood that no matter how dismissed you felt, you were not in charge and would have to come back later to get real feedback. They had closed the subject. You had been power played.

Interrupt, without apology, before you know what you’re going to say. I don’t know about you, but I love it when I’m in a meeting, in the middle of a sentence, my fully formed thought flowing out of my mouth smooth as butter, and a man (it is usually a man) interrupts me with this: “Well, I . . .” And then I have to wait, in silence, until said man thinks, a lot, before finishing his sentence. All the while I’m thinking, “Well, damn, I had an end to my sentence ready to go, and now I have to sit here politely while this powerful man gets to interrupt me before he knows what he’s going to say? Really?”

Ladies, you know exactly what I’m talking about. Make no mistake. That’s a power move.

There really are times you should play small.

Don’t be a ballerina. Jerk your hands around rather than moving in a more fluid, graceful way. You may have found yourself doing this while very nervously trying to make a point.

When talking with your hands, keep them close to your face. Your hands don’t need to move; resting your hand on your chin while talking accomplishes the same thing. I do this a lot when I’m mentoring someone who’s nervous. I make myself a little small to help them feel more relaxed.

Give up your space—literally give it away. This is the opposite of claiming space. Relinquish those armrests! Make sure your arms are glued to your sides, especially if you must call attention to yourself.

Lean forward, and if you want to go really low, Gruenfeld talks about pointing your toes together. While some low-playing behaviors are great in certain contexts, I don’t ever recommend this one. It feels childlike, diminishing, and generally awful. Indeed, I can’t think of a time it would make sense to adopt this posture. Be sure to watch for this in people you’re mentoring. If you see this, there is a trust gap going on. Your body has said to your mentee, “Bow down to me!” If this is happening, I’m guessing you are playing too high. Unless your mentee is being a huge jerk and you meant to scare them into their place, play a bit lower.

Speak in incomplete sentences. Like, I have . . . you know . . . I have an idea . . . and, well, I’m wondering if maybe you, if you have a . . . if you’re not free to hear my idea, I mean . . . that’s totally OK. I mean, do you know what I mean? I can come back . . . if that’s better . . .

Overtalk, often in run-on sentences. This is mine, not Gruenfeld’s, but it’s definitely low. You know what I mean, don’t you? I mean if you don’t, that’s totally, totally, totally fine, and if you don’t agree, I get it because it’s really up for debate, but I’m just saying this in case you’re interested.

If you’re talking to a high-status person, don’t make a lot of eye contact. If someone intimidated by you has pitched you an idea, you know exactly what this looks like. They state their opinion while looking away from you often and glancing down a lot. When they do look at you, it’s to check in to see if you approve.

When a high-status person talks to you, show some respect—glue your eyes to theirs. Unless you’re really aware of your body, you will predictably do this, without knowing it, when someone is high playing you. I demonstrate high behavior during my talks on an unsuspecting audience member. Every time it’s almost as if I’ve put a spell on them. They stare at me like a deer caught in the headlights, with a look of submissive discomfort. (I know this sounds mean, but I promise I low play them later, and we share a good laugh afterward.)

Smile. Constantly. Gruenfeld calls constant smiling the “badge of appeasement,” heretofore referred to as the BOA. Creepy. Low-status folks use the BOA to make sure the high-status person is comfortable. When I work with leaders, they will often walk me through the building to their corner office. As we walk, once in a great while everyone we see, and I mean everyone, greets us with huge, enthusiastic perma-smiles plastered on their faces. After we reach the corner office and shut the door, the boss invariably says something like this, “Did you see how they were all smiling? They all love me!” I respond with, “Nope. They’re deeply afraid of you.” (Actually, I’m more delicate than that. But I’ve always wanted to say that just to see what happens.)

To understand and eventually master these behaviors, you need to practice. Here’s how:

1. Get together with a girlfriend, or even better, a group of girlfriends.

2. Look over these behaviors—put them in front of you so you remember them.

3. Set a timer to go off every two minutes.

4. Talk to each other, and every time the timer goes off, switch from high to low behaviors. (Do not tell each other which you will be using first.)

5. Do this for at least six minutes.

6. Have your minds blown.

7. Process how much your minds were blown over a bottle of wine.

8. After your night of communication fun and wine, take the skills out of your house and practice them in low-stakes situations.

9. Once you’re sure you can nail them in low-stakes situations, start bringing them into high-stakes situations.

10. Blow your mind repeatedly as you consistently shift interactions at work.

My favorite client story ever is about high-and low-playing behaviors. It illustrates when you should play high, how to do it, and what happens when you adopt Gruenfeld’s strategies, wielding those skills like Wonder Woman’s lasso.

But before we dive in, you need to know when to play high. Keep these in mind as you read the story I’m about to share.

Play high when you need to

Grab status and power.

Maintain status and power.

Scare the living crap out of someone and make sure they never mess with you again. (I added this one. The top two are Gruenfeld’s.)

Years ago, Bob, a powerful founder and CEO of a big company, asked me to come to him for some private coaching. Bob lived in an opulent yet rustic home on an island . . . that he owned. To be clear, he owned both the home and the island.

If you ever get filthy rich, I highly recommend buying an island.

Apparently when you’re this rich, beyond buying an island, you can also throw your money around in all kinds of other fun and unexpected ways. In Bob’s case, he and his fellow zillionaires liked to spend their spare time competing in an annual public speaking competition. I’m not clear on all the details, but this competition involved putting money into a pot, then getting together and presenting short speeches to each other. Whoever won “best speech” was awarded a cute little prize, in the form of a cool $1 million.

Like many CEOs, Bob was incredibly competitive and hated to lose. The previous year he had his butt handed to him, so that year he decided to work with me as his speech coach. Bob didn’t want to travel or work remotely, and thus I was summoned to his island to help him rewrite and present his speech.

Once you were on the island, none of the doors to the houses were locked. Bob told me just to come to the main house, announce myself, and walk right in. I did. After walking through what, as a parent, I considered a dream mudroom, I rounded the corner and stepped into a tastefully decorated open kitchen. It had a huge counter for hosting their many friends, with a big window so we all had a great view of Bob’s island.

Bob was in the kitchen, pacing, and he was on the phone. Actually, that sounds like he was talking on the phone. He was not. Bob was just doing something on the phone. Could have been Facebook, but I really don’t know what he was doing. I only know it was an activity he could have stopped doing when I greeted him. But he didn’t.

“Hi!” I said, full of enthusiasm.

Bob simply nodded, not at me but to his phone, and mumbled, “Glad you’re here. Check your email. We sent you info on the cottage you’ll be staying in and how to find it. See you soon.”

Now, before Gruenfeld, I would have felt crappy and demeaned but would not have understood exactly why. I also wouldn’t have known how to address the situation. Post Gruenfeld, I knew the body language power code. Bob not looking at me was a total power move—he was establishing who the boss was, and he wanted me to go along with the fact that it was him.

This just wouldn’t do. Not at all. I wasn’t going to spend a weekend working with a guy who had decided there was a pecking order and he was on top. Besides disliking how I felt about this, I also knew if I was going to effectively coach Bob, we needed to be equals. Once power dynamics are established, it becomes much harder to reboot them. It was time to break out Gruenfeld!

Even today, in the year 2020, in most work and personal situations it’s the unspoken job of the women to keep the men comfortable in communication exchanges. If you don’t believe me, watch men and women communicate. When there’s an awkward moment, or a tense moment, who usually smooths it? Unless the woman is more powerful than the man, I will put my money on the woman, every time. In this case, keeping things running smoothly would have involved me cheerfully saying, with great warmth, “Great! I got the email! I’ll go figure out which house I’m staying in and catch up with you later!”

As a powerful man, Bob was rarely if ever expected to fill awkward silences with cheerful chatter. That’s the job of the less powerful interacting with him. Bob was the boss man at work, and his friend group treated him like the rock star boss man he was at work even during their personal time together. So, the first step to my resetting our power dynamic involved me disrupting expectations that Bob would be taken care of by yours truly.

I did this by purposefully and completely dropping the communication ball. Interrupting power moves by men is still emotionally challenging for me. It goes against years of training. Thankfully, I’ve mastered the art of being scared as hell but doing what I needed to do anyway. In this case what I needed to do was not do a damn thing. I needed to shut up. So I did. I didn’t respond to Bob. Not a word. Not a sound. Thankfully and predictably, my Jedi mind trick worked.

Bob was fully startled by my silence, immediately turning his head to look at me.

The plan was working—that was win number 1!

Once Bob’s surprised and confused eyes were locked onto mine, I said these banal words, “Great. I got the email. I’ll go figure out which house I’m staying in and catch up with you later.” In hindsight, what happened next was pretty hilarious. It was as if water had been poured over his head!

Bob almost dropped his phone, gave me his full attention, offered me a huge BOA—that’s badge of appeasement, lest you forgot—smiled, and walked toward me, thrusting out his hand to shake mine: “Great! Great! Great! I look forward to working with you as well!” And with that, Bob’s communication boot was heretofore removed from my proverbial neck!

So, what happened? How did I get this super-rich CEO who owned an island to respond to me like a man who suspected I might conjure lightning?

Let’s look again at the words I said:

“Great. I got the email. I’ll go figure out which house I’m staying in and catch up with you later.”

Note that what I said doesn’t read like a power play. But remember, words don’t matter. It’s all about how I said it, and how I said it was a power play.

I shifted the dynamic not by using different words but by dropping the enthusiasm in my voice. I telegraphed this by leaving out the exclamation points the second time. I also put my body in full Gruenfeld power-grab battle mode. As I said those words, I adopted all the high-playing behaviors I could think of. I didn’t move my head. I didn’t blink. I leaned on the handle of my suitcase, expanding my body as much as I could. I didn’t scowl, but I did erase any hint of a smile. In short, I high played Bob, fully, and it worked like a charm.

For the rest of the weekend, Bob and I got along just fine. This would never have been possible had Bob established, and kept, his dominance. It would have been close to impossible for me to coach Bob, as he would not have respected my authority.

There are times you should make yourself small. I know this goes against everything you’ve read in this book thus far. Don’t panic.

After hearing my victorious Bob story, you may be wondering why the hell women should ever play low. Good question. In the immortal words of Mr. T, “I’m so tough and so bad, I can be humble and lift another guy up.” (For those who are too young to remember Mr. T, watch The A Team. It may seem somewhat offensive now, but Mr. T will forever be cool.)

Beyond Mr. T . . . Gruenfeld recommends that you should specifically play low in the following situations:

To show people you know your status is lower

To raise up someone else’s status and power

To help people feel comfortable around you

To convince people you are far less scary than they think you are

I added the final one. If you are the sort of person that is regularly told you are “intimidating,” learning how to strategically play low can help people feel more comfortable and more open around you.

Playing low may sound like it’s a dangerously effective way to diminish yourself. It is, but only when used at the wrong time. If I had played low with Bob, things would not have worked out well. That said, it is just as empowering to play low in some cases as it is to play high. Indeed, playing low is like body language empathy—it helps people feel listened to, safe, and connected to you.

Here are a few situations where playing low is the right thing to do. To be clear, these are from me, not Gruenfeld.

Years ago, when I was an insecure college student at the University of Colorado Boulder, I had the opportunity to meet Dr. Maya Angelou, who just happened to be my hero. Her books had literally helped me survive my less-than-optimal childhood, making me feel less isolated and helping develop my unshakable belief in the power of love.

Dr. Angelou had come to our campus to give a talk, and there was a reception afterward that I was invited to. I remember distinctly one interchange with a young woman who approached her. The young woman walked over to Dr. Angelou and immediately began stumbling over her words, rambling on anxiously about how Dr. Angelou was her hero, and what she meant to her, and she just couldn’t explain in words what meeting her meant, and, and, and . . . Dr. Angelou, smiling at her, finally interrupted this young woman’s spiraling torrent of words mid-sentence. “Kiss me,” she said, leaning her goddess-like six-foot frame over the stunned, much shorter young woman like the benevolent Queen Angelou she was. Then she pointed to her cheek, “Right here.”

The young woman hesitated for a moment, and then kissed Dr. Angelou on the cheek, looking as if she might burst into tears with joy. “Thank you,” Dr. Angelou said, in her sincere and almost otherworldly way, putting her hand majestically on the young woman’s shoulder. She then quietly said something close to the young woman’s ear, something that clearly rocked her world, turned away, and continued to mingle. The young woman stood there, dumbstruck, and on cloud nine.

In this scenario, what Dr. Maya Angelou did with her body was the power move. Besides smiling, which softened her body language just a bit, she played high. She maintained direct eye contact. She barely moved her head. She moved into the young woman’s bubble, touching her shoulder and whispering in her ear. And it was all just fine! Indeed, it was appreciated. Why? Because Dr. Angelou was in the position of respect. She was allowed to do that! Indeed, Dr. Angelou intuitively understood this young woman saw her as an all-powerful figure, so she let her entire powerful self fly, living up to the young woman’s lionized version of her.

On the other hand, that young woman did the right thing by playing low. If she had moved her body in space similarly to Dr. Angelou, she would have appeared borderline insane. By playing low, she showed Dr. Angelou she understood she was talking to a queen, and respected her queen-like status. Both players understood the power dynamic and played their parts. No one was diminished by it.

Sometimes you want to show you respect someone’s status by playing low. Sometimes you want to wow people by playing high. I would never, ever walk up to Lizzo and put my hand on her shoulder. If, however, she put her hand on my shoulder when meeting me, I would be thrilled!

I’m a Cook House Fellow at Cornell and spend a good deal of time mentoring undergraduate young women of color. For many reasons, there is a huge power differential, with me in the more powerful position.

They are students of color. I’m White.

They are younger; I’m older.

They are students; I’m established in my career.

We meet on my “home turf,” my kitchen, so they are guests.

It would be counterproductive and possibly damaging for me to play completely high with these young women. Even Dr. Angelou didn’t do that, and she was a goddess temporarily walking amongst us humans on Earth. I would never sit in my kitchen with my mentees, head frozen, eyes locked on them with zero sign of a smile, and say, “So, how are you? Tell me everything.” They wouldn’t tell me a thing because my high-playing behaviors would be absolutely terrifying, not to mention an obnoxious power play. The more power and privilege you have in relation to the person you are talking to, the less appropriate it is to play high, especially if they are playing low. When mentoring, I often smile, chin resting on my hands, and glance around a bit while asking for an update. I build trust and actively work to put people at ease. I play low.

If, for whatever reason, you notice someone is terrified of you and won’t open up to you, try playing low. You will find this shifts the dynamic immediately, and they instantly feel more comfortable with you. I often do this when dealing with gatekeepers, such as admins, front desk folks in hotels, or nurses. These competent folks are woefully undervalued by society, often treated badly, and power played on the daily. When intersecting with them, I choose to take the opposite orientation that society expects me to. I plaster on the BOA, and I adopt a few other low-playing behaviors. I signal, with my body, my truth: although society thinks they are beneath me in status, I absolutely do not. Invariably, I forge strong connections quickly with these folks, and they often become fierce allies. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been squeezed into someone’s schedule or upgraded to a better room at a hotel without asking for an upgrade. You can forge important, and sometimes quite meaningful, relationships with folks just by refusing to play into society’s power expectations. Try it. You’ll get what you want a lot more often and, more importantly, create meaningful and unexpected connections with really wonderful people.

If you’re a bit confused about when to play high and when to play low, or just want to test your power dynamic prowess, please take the following little quiz.

Should you play high or low in the following circumstances?

1. Working with friendly but traumatized at-risk kids

H/L

2. Shutting down a microaggression

H/L

3. Talking to a police officer when pulled over

H/L

4. Giving a keynote

H/L

5. Meeting your new boss

H/L

6. Disagreeing with your partner

H/L

7. Pitching to a VC

H/L

8. Talking with your teenager about a bad grade

H/L

9. Running a meeting

H/L

10. Communicating with your ex

H/L

If you knew all the answers instantly, you get an F. Have no fear; this is normal! If you had to pause, really think about those answers, and then you concluded you would need more data before answering, well done! You’re already developing a more nuanced approach to using these powerful tools. Congrats! You’re outside of the bell curve! There are no right or wrong answers in that trick quiz. As in life, 1–10 are all fully dependent on the details and nuances of the situation.

Before diving in and using these behaviors, examine yourself and the players you will be intersecting with. Then think about the following:

Your stakes and goals

Players’ stakes and goals

Personality traits/demographics/cultures of players

Power status among players

Historic group and/or individual power dynamics

Costs of making players uncomfortable

Benefits of putting players at ease

Kinds of high or low behaviors players typically use

Once you look at all of these factors, you can choose your high/low approach. In the end, 99 percent of the time you should probably choose a blend, rather than one or the other. It will take some trial, error, and practice, but you can and will master them.

Finally, in case you’re wondering, Bob did not win the competition. He got second. At the time he insisted he should have won. From where I’m sitting, given the place his speech started before I arrived, Bob was a very lucky man. And Bob was a man who should really thank Deborah Gruenfeld because with the help of a few high-playing behaviors, our weekend was productive rather than a drawn-out Clash of the Titans–style power struggle. While I had hoped he would win, he survived his third-place finish and is still living happily on his island. Truth is, Bob really wouldn’t have noticed that $1 million had it dropped into his bank account anyway.

Have you ever been in a meeting, or in a job interview, or on a date, and felt like you were slowly, ever so slowly, losing your authority . . . and you had no idea why the hell it was happening? While the reasons for this feeling can be multifactorial, one of my go-to questions for clients is this: How were they sitting and how were you sitting?

Most of the time the answer confirms my suspicion. My client was unconsciously ceding power with her body language.

Mirroring is a simple quick-and-dirty strategy you can easily implement in order to connect with people, increase your powers of persuasion, and level power dynamics.

What is mirroring? Mirroring is what it sounds like—positioning your body in such a way that your posture and body positioning mimics the person you’re talking to.

Mirroring practice: grab a friend and try this.

1. Both of you sit facing each other, leaning in, with your forearms resting on your upper thighs and fingers interlaced. How do you feel? I’m guessing you both feel comfortable, engaged, maybe even a little conspiratorial.

2. Now, slouch way back in your chair while your friend continues to lean in. How do you both feel now? Your friend probably feels either aggressive or as if you are looking down on her. You probably feel attacked or superior. One thing is certain: you both don’t feel good!

3. Now have your friend slouch way back in her chair. How do you both feel now? I’m guessing you feel similar to how you did in scenario 1, except more relaxed and casual.

4. Finally, have your friend stay back while you go to position 1, with your forearms resting on your upper thighs and fingers interlaced. In other words, flip scenario 2. I’m guessing the feelings are exactly like scenario 2, but in reverse. And yet again, neither of you feels good.

In a landmark 2010 Belgium study titled “Why Do I Like You When You Behave like Me? Neural Mechanisms Mediating Positive Consequences of Observing Someone Being Imitated,” researchers found the following:

Here’s what the scientists said, summarized like an actual human might have said it:

Mirroring is one of the quickest and easiest skills to learn. It’s a powerful tool in your communication arsenal, and the research backs this up.

Don’t think mirroring can make that big a difference? An article on the website Science of People cited several studies that prove the mighty power of mirroring!³ The studies showed that when mirroring happened, waitresses gained higher tips and sales clerks achieved higher sales and more positive evaluations.

Here’s the key to mirroring: do it subtly. If the person you’re talking to changes position, don’t immediately mirror the change. You don’t want to give away that you have secret persuasive super-powers! Instead, slowly move into the position of your counterpart, but don’t mirror them completely—just echo their posture. For example, if you’re asking for a raise from your boss and they are casually lounging way back in their chair, don’t lounge quite as much. Lean back just a little. This will show deference while also indicating you’re worthy of the raise. You’re saying with your posture, “Hey boss, I’m your equal, I’m on your level, and therefore you should take me seriously when I ask for a raise.”

Perhaps the most common question I’m asked in Q&A about landing jobs and mirroring is this: “Who should I mirror in a job interview if there is more than one person on the panel?” The answer is twofold:

1. If everyone at the table is sitting in different postures . . . then mirror the alpha (a.k.a. the boss). This will signify you are on par with the alpha and worthy of everyone’s respect. It will also unconsciously build rapport with the alpha.

2. If the alpha is sitting in one position and everyone else is sitting identically in another, particularly if the alpha is casually leaning back and everyone else is ramrod straight . . . do not mirror the alpha. This scenario indicates the alpha has established dominance and a clear pecking order. Everyone else is expected to show they respect the alpha’s status by not mirroring the boss lady’s posture. She is the boss. They are the deputies. Period. Otherwise, you’re saying, “Hey, I know everyone else thinks you’re super powerful, but not this lady. I’m just as cool as you!”

Mirroring is a down and dirty way to build rapport and influence people. It can accelerate building connections with a new friend. It can help persuade when pitching to a VC. It makes you a better negotiator and it will help you land a job. Remember to do it, and this targeted tool will be a useful one in your ever-growing superhero communication bag of tricks.

Before you move on to the next part, some final advice about presenting like a space-claiming boss: if anything I said in this part really doesn’t work for you, don’t do it.

I’ve noticed that clients tend to feel bad if they can’t master tools that just don’t work for them or make them feel inadequate. On the flip side, they devalue the tools that play to their strengths and make them feel capable and empowered. My take on this is that throughout our lives people tell us again and again that who we are isn’t enough. Eventually, we begin to see our strengths, which should empower us, as weaknesses.

Not all of these tools will work for every woman, and that’s fine. We all have strengths and weaknesses. Try all the skills, but understand that some of the tools will play to your strengths more than others. Use those. They will help you claim space more, because they are playing to the strengths you have, and those strengths, if nurtured, are more than enough.

Posture, voice, body language. It might seem like a lot to learn, but remember this. When it comes to physicality and voice, the stages of learning go like this:

1. You don’t know what you don’t know.

2. You know what you don’t know, but you can’t do it.

3. You can do it, but only if you really think about it.

4. You can do it without thinking about it.

You probably started this part in stage 1. You are now, probably, in stage 2. Stage 2 is the worst, but have no fear! Just practice these skills, a lot. Before you know it, you will be in stage 3. Then, not too far from now, you’ll realize you are forgetting to remind yourself to stand tall, project, or slow down. And yet you’re using these tools anyway in persuasive and inspiring ways. In that moment you’ll understand why people have been deferring to you a little more, interrupting a little less, and giving you one armrest without a fight. You have been claiming space, and people are taking notice. You are presenting like a boss.