BOUNDARIES KEEP YOU SAFE
Boundaries. We know they are good for us, but if you don’t usually set boundaries, beginning the process can feel a lot like starting to exercise when you’re dangerously overweight. Taking the first step is hard. You know you should start but secretly wonder if it really will make much of a difference. You worry folks may say “But that’s not you” as you change. And the first few weeks are hell. It’s scary, you don’t know what you’re doing, and it can hurt. However, like working out, once you get into a boundary routine, you’ll ask why you didn’t a long time ago. Life is just better. Boundaries are hard to establish, but they are life changing! Once you start, I promise the phrase “Please respect my boundaries” will roll off your tongue with confidence, and your life will be better.
Women Need to Stop Apologizing
We apologize when someone bumps into us.
We apologize for claiming one armrest.
We apologize when we’re interrupted.
We apologize for having an opinion.
We apologize for our appearance.
Women are taught to control how we say things. Women are taught not to demand too much with our words. And women are also taught to apologize for . . . everything. Sometimes we are lying . . . we are just apologizing because we are “expected” to. In reality, we don’t feel a damn bit sorry. Sometimes we say we’re sorry because we believe that anything but keeping people completely happy all the time deserves an apology.
We apologize with our words, body language, and tone of voice, and we need to stop. We need to stop apologizing.
There are only two times when apologies are OK. Only. Two.
When the request is reasonable, but you just can’t do it.
Example: “I’m so sorry I can’t help you move even though you helped me. My kid is sick, and I need to stay home with him.”
When you have done something wrong.
Example: “I’m sorry I called you a crazy feminist bitch when I was angry at you, and not as a term of endearment. That wasn’t cool.”
Overapologizing, however, is rampant for women, and it is unnecessary, diminishing, and undermining. You don’t have to seek forgiveness or qualify your no. Your firm no is a way of saying, “When you cross a boundary, I will not apologize for erecting it more strongly and without apology.”
The following are some alternatives to “I’m sorry!” May they serve as a guide as you break your apology habit. Read on, fierce Wonder Woman, and kick those apologies to the curb.
ALTERNATIVES TO “I’M SORRY!”
In person if it’s not a big deal:
Don’t say: “Sorry . . . I’m late/the food I made for you is burned/my office is messy.”
Do say: “Thanks for . . . waiting/enjoying this slightly burned food/enjoying my cozy office.”
In an email if it’s not a big deal:
Don’t say: “Sorry . . . for the reply all/for the late response.”
Do say: “Thanks for your patience with the dreaded reply all/delay.”
When stating an opinion:
Don’t say: “Sorry . . . but I think [insert your reasonably held position here].”
Do say: Your opinion. (Hint: Start with “I think” or “I believe” and never “I’m sorry.”)
When saying no:
Don’t say: “So sorry I can’t do [insert thing].”
Do say: “[Insert thing] won’t work for me. Let’s find an alternative that works for both of us?”
To smooth over someone else’s faux pas (e.g., someone bumps into you):
Don’t say: “Sorry.”
Do say: Nothing. (Don’t apologize! They should be apologizing to you. Really, they should. They bumped into you.)
When someone has wronged you:
Don’t say: “I’m sorry, but you should not have . . . badmouthed me/insulted me/hurt my feelings/violated my space.”
Do say: “You should not have . . .” (Kill the sorry. Again, don’t apologize for someone else’s mistake.)
Apologies are important. Make them count. If you apologize all the time, you’re diminishing yourself, and you diminish the credibility of your apologies in situations when they need to count. Apologies actually mean something if used only when needed.
Wonder Woman doesn’t walk back to the scene after she has saved hundreds of people, muttering, “Hey, um, sorry about all those parked cars I had to turn over to save you. I realize it’s a little messy. I’m really, really sorry.” She just feels pretty great for having saved a bunch of people and struts off like a badass. Life is messy. You can’t do great things and take great risks if you plan on apologizing for every last thing along the way.
Apologizing for being alive will slowly rob you of your ability to expand into your power. Enough with the apologizing.
Speak your mind without apology. Raise your voice. Don’t be sorry.
How to Become a Time Bandit
Traditionally women are told to have an open-door policy about everything and be able to juggle everything. Our time is not valued the same way men’s time is. My favorite example of this is when I got hit by a car. For six weeks people came and delivered dinners to my family so my ex-husband wouldn’t have to cook. About two weeks after the accident, I was back to light cooking and cleaning, and generally helping him, and yet the meals kept coming to lighten his load and give him more time. When we divorced and I had all of our kids full time, I lost a partner to help me. I was in the same situation he was, arguably worse, because no one was taking the time to do light cooking and cleaning for me. Yet folks expected I would be able to manage this transition. Not one person said, “Wow, you just went from two people running your house to one. You must be taking a lot of time doing housework and cooking. Can I bring you a meal to lighten your load during this transition?” Not. One. Person.
Do I blame them? No, I do not. Not. One. Person. Women are expected to be able to create time to juggle everything. Men are not. This needs to change, and we can begin that process by rejecting that special kind of kryptonite that tells us we can’t put down boundaries with our time. How do we do this? We shut the door.
This can be difficult because of . . .
Calls
Texts
Emails
Social media
Knock! Knock! Knock!
KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!
The client who taught me the most about valuing her time and saying no was Samantha, a veritable poster child for being good at just about everything. Samantha was a brilliant woman with thick, curly brown hair, dewy light brown skin, and huge, penetrating light brown eyes. She had an interesting combination of fierce, unwavering conviction and crippling impostor syndrome. After years of hard work, Samantha had finally landed her dream job: chief of staff at an elite university. She was killing it, but the job was killing her.
As a woman of color, Samantha knew she had less room for error than her counterparts. This led her not to delegate a darn thing, which led to her having no time, which led to her doing a shoddy job on a lot of tasks rather than an excellent job on the tasks she had been hired to do. In our first meeting, she laughed her huge, infectious laugh, confessing, “I swear, Eliza, every time my phone beeps I consider taking up day drinking or running over my phone.” Then she got serious. “I don’t know how long I can keep this up. I’m barely seeing my kids.” Samantha had regularly been working fourteen-hour days, doing her job and often the jobs of her staff and her interns. On top of this, the president of the university was constantly texting her, morning, evening, and night, and expected her to be available 24/7.
She was ready to quit.
Samantha and I collaborated and came up with a complex and detailed plan. It failed. Then another. Failed again. Then, after some tweaking, we found a simple three-step plan . . . and it worked! This not only resulted in Samantha liking and thriving in her job again; it also saved her phone . . . and her liver! (OK, knowing Samantha, she wouldn’t take up drinking even during the zombie apocalypse, but it did save her mental health.)
I’ve since taken the blueprint we created and been successfully using it with my other clients. You may read it and say to yourself, “Well, I knew that.” You probably do! But are you implementing what you know? Samantha and I found that it wasn’t about coming up with a magical plan; it was about acknowledging what the plan was and consistently following through. I suggest you read it, think about what you are and aren’t doing, and commit to doing all of it. Knowing isn’t enough. Doing is what matters. Do, and you will reclaim time.
Three-Step Plan for Creating Time
By me and Samantha, a.k.a. “Samantha the time bandit”
STEP 1: SHUT THE REAL DOOR.
“No, you cannot come in now.”
If you have an admin . . . tell your admin that when your door is open, people can come in. When it is not, they may never come in. Try to close it for at least two hours a day.
If you do not have an admin . . . talk to your boss and see if she will allow you to implement this policy. Tell her it will optimize your job performance if you work uninterrupted.
STEP 2: SHUT THE CYBER DOOR.
“No, I will not engage with social media all day.”
Once the real door is shut, shut the door to the cyberworld. Put aside at least one hour every day where you do absolutely nothing that requires the internet. This is critically important. There is plenty you can do without the internet, and you’ll do it faster and better if you aren’t interrupted. There are apps and software you can use to limit social media time. The technology is constantly evolving. Search online for “10 best apps to reduce social media use” if you need a little extra help and want the latest info.
STEP 3: SHUT DOWN EMAILS.
“No, I will not answer your emails immediately.”
This may sound clinically insane/impossible, but research consistently shows you should not respond to emails as they come in but instead attack emails in chunks three to four times a day tops.
You will find that you will not miss anything critical. If it’s critical, folks will find a way to reach you, trust me. You many also find, especially on group emails, that if you don’t respond, sometimes others will solve the problem themselves without you!
You will also find that you will ultimately have a smaller overall email load. The back and forth can cause unnecessary emailing that starts to resemble texting. I now take this approach, and it saves me about one hour a day.
Make no exceptions unless they are real emergencies, such as your child is ill, the building is on fire, or your favorite musician or movie star randomly shows up requesting a private meeting because they read your fan mail, think you’re amazing, and have traveled a treacherous journey with the sole goal of convincing you to run away with them to their private island. Save these three scenarios, do what you need to do to follow through on steps 1–3.
I have a laminated piece of paper in my office that has steps 1–3 on one side and five sentences that help me stick with them on the other. Both sides serve as a little contract with myself to stick with it so I don’t start making time-sucking exceptions.
1. NO! I do not have to do everything, and if things don’t turn out as perfectly as if I had done them myself, that’s OK.
2. NO! I do not need to answer every email the moment it lands in my inbox.
3. NO! I do not have to be available to all people at all times.
4. NO! I do not need an open-door policy with full access to me at all times.
5. YES! I do have to say no a lot.
I suggest laminating steps 1–3, then really sitting with yourself and deciding what your personal five motivators would be. They may be different from mine. For example, if you have kids, you could write, “I will delegate so I can create time and see my kids more.” Find what resonates with you, write it down on the back, and stick it somewhere prominent. The process of really thinking about why you need to do this, and then having those reminders right in front of you, will help you stick to it.
Claim your time. Women who demand that their time be valued have the time and energy to claim more space.
How to Say No: “No” (And Other Suggestions)
It took me a long time to learn to say it, but wow! I really love that word. If you don’t love it, now’s your moment to fall in love!
It’s a beautiful little word. It needs no explanation. You are never obligated to apologize or be sorry about it. It packs a hell of a punch. And don’t let anyone fool you—saying no isn’t being mean. It’s putting down a boundary, and putting down boundaries is a great way to claim space!
I shall leave you with examples of that beautiful two-letter word.
As with sorry, there are times for softening your no with a gentle, kind word—for example, “No, I can’t go on a girls’ vacation with you. I really, really want to, but I have a huge work deadline.” Or, immediately after you break up with someone, in the same conversation, “No. I’m not going to change my mind about breaking up with you. I understand how hard this is. It’s hard for me. You’re a wonderful person and I hope we can be friends, but I just can’t date someone who [insert your personal deal breaker here].” You don’t have to justify it—it’s your deal breaker.
That said, there are many times we say we’re sorry when saying no with a simple, firm “no” would do. Here are some handy examples:
Person: “It’s more convenient for me if I talk to you about this minor issue during your no-office-hours time. Can I just pop by for about twenty minutes?”
You: “No.”
Optional unapologetic follow-up: “You have asked me this before, and the answer is still no. Please don’t ask again for minor issues.”
Person: “I know you have never, ever wanted our sex life to involve [insert sex thing that just isn’t your thing—you don’t have to qualify. It’s not your thing.]. But that seems really uptight. Can we please do it anyway?”
You: “No.”
Optional unapologetic follow-up: “And if you continue to ask me to do something sexually I don’t want to do, I’m out.”
Person: “I know you have never, ever wanted our sex life not to involve [insert sex thing that really is your thing—you don’t have to qualify. It’s your thing.]. But that seems really slutty. Aren’t you ashamed of yourself?”
You: “No.”
Optional unapologetic follow-up: “I know this isn’t your thing, and of course we will never do anything we both don’t really want to do, but if you continue to shame me about my preferences around sex, I’m out.”
Person: “I know you said you are on a deadline and absolutely can’t be disturbed unless the building is on fire, but can I interrupt for just a second?”
You: “No.”
Optional unapologetic follow-up: “As I said, I have to get this done.”
Person: “If you were nice, you would put up with my crappy behavior.”
You: “No.”
Optional unapologetic follow-up: “There is nothing mean about me asking you to stop [insert behavior that is crappy].”
Person: “I think you don’t understand [insert your area of subject matter expertise here]. Can’t I explain it to you?”
You: “No.”
Optional unapologetic follow-up: “That’s my subject matter expertise. I don’t need you, who does not study this, to explain it to me.”
Person: “Why do you have to act so crazy? Come on! You really don’t like me saying that skirt really shows off your legs?”
You: “No.”
Optional unapologetic follow-up: “Stop commenting on my body. You’re my boss, not my partner.”
(White) Person: “Can I touch your hair?”
(BIPOC) You: “No.”
Optional unapologetic follow-up: “Don’t ask again.”
Person: “Why don’t you relax, chill out, and calm down?”
You: “No, No, and No.”
Optional unapologetic follow-up: “And I think you might want to examine that my voice isn’t raised, yours is, and you’re telling me to calm down.”
Person: “Well, could you at least stop being such a crazy feminist bitch?”
You: “No. Not now. Not ever.”
Optional unapologetic somewhat wordy but delicious follow-up: In 1918 Rebecca West wrote, “I myself have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is: I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat.” I am not a door-mat. I am, however, a crazy feminist bitch. Thanks for the compliment.
Figure out when it’s hardest for you to say no. Write these scenarios down. Practice saying no and without apology. Come up with your own unapologetic follow-ups. They don’t have to be as snarky as mine. I had a little too much fun with this section.
Say yes to no.
Happy no-ing.