PRACTICE

1

INVESTING IN YOUR BEST SELF

If you wish to be on a journey of significance, you’ll need to invest in—and then lead from—your best self.

—Sandra Fenwick, former CEO, Boston Children’s Hospital

THE PRACTICE OFFERING

As a woman in a high-level leadership role, you’ve likely been assessing your environment and the people you lead, taking regular pulse checks to see if goals are being met and how your team has been performing. If you were to turn inward, however, and do a pulse check on yourself right now, who are you as (and are you functioning from) your best self? It’s OK and common not to actually know! But it’s imperative to understand your best self and intentionally lead from that place. If you don’t, you run the risk of making negative impact you don’t intend.

Investing in your best self encompasses leading and living your life from the optimum part of you. To invest in your best self requires getting to know yourself when you’re at your best. This means exploring what your strengths and talents are, where you add value to others, what brings you joy and vitality, what well-being means for you, and understanding the self-care actions you need to take to truly thrive.

Figure 1.1 provides a visual of the connection of these elements to arrive at your best self.

FIGURE 1.1 Best Self Connecting Points

Once you know you at your best, the job at hand is to learn how to consciously, and with intention, return to your best self over and over. Implicit in this notion is that it is impractical to think you will be able to lead your life from your best self every moment of every day. Life happens. You are human. Feelings arise. You react or get triggered. Disappointments ensue. You change or outgrow relationships or jobs, or they might outgrow you. Life shoves you out of your best self sometimes without warning, so you need to hone the practice of a “loving return” to these best parts of you and, ideally, as quickly as possible. Returning to your best self is a moment-to-moment practice. Nourishing your well-being will also change form and entail different self-care actions as you grow and change physically, professionally, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

Once you know you at your best and how to intentionally return to this place, you are ready to honor your own growth by updating your best self as you live out your life. Investing in your best self means revisiting you on a regular basis. These visits welcome increasingly deeper engagement and curiosity about your very existence in the present. How is your personal and professional growth changing you? What are you learning about your interests? What brings you joy? How might experiencing your own well-being be changing? How are you expending your energy in ways that deplete or invigorate you?

In honing the name of this specific practice, we asked dozens of women (and a few men, too!) what word they would use to replace “best.” Not only did the words they used inspire a word cloud of desirable places from which to live life internally; it became very clear that each of us has our own unique view of what it means to be at our best. Here is what we heard: best self is . . .

FIGURE 1.2 Best Self Is

If you lead from your best self, you feel excellence and even elation within you. You can be present in the moment (or bring yourself back there in an instant), your not-so-constructive inner voices are quiet, you are your own exuberant cheerleader, and there is a narrow gap between your intention and your impact on others. Your replay of your words and actions makes you proud. You have listened well, and those around you feel heard and understood. You influence without unintended negative impact, and if you don’t land as intended, you clean it up like clockwork. You know your strengths and value yourself. You care for your body, mind, and spirit. You are nourished by loving relationships.

As best self, you are, in other words, able to manage your energy and self-care, break the cycle of “not good enough,” cultivate personal and professional boundaries, and return to this best self with intention when you get knocked off balance. You know when you have interacted with someone who leads from their best self because you feel better about you and inspired by them, as a result of the encounter. They not only leave no “muck” behind; they leave you feeling seen.

If this all sounds impossible at first blush, you may be coming from a place of perfection or status quo. Remember the “loving return.” It isn’t about doing it all perfectly; it’s about being able to return to a place of caring for self and then (and only then) tapping your best to give to others.

Living your life from your best self is a win-win: it feels good to you and feels good to others, too. We asked 30 women who participated in the Simmons University Institute for Inclusive Leadership flagship program, Strategic Leadership for Women^®, how they feel when they are leading from their best self. (Note: They spent concentrated time better understanding what best self personally meant before we asked this.) Figure 1.3 is their vivacious word cloud:

FIGURE 1.3 Program Participants’ Best Selves

We asked the same women what it felt like when their best self was blocked. Figure 1.4 is the resulting word cloud.

FIGURE 1.4 Program Participants’ Being Blocked

Who wouldn’t prefer to feel the way these women did when they were at their best? Who wouldn’t want to avoid experiencing all of those troubling, defeating feelings and thoughts that were brought on when their best self was blocked? If you want more of what it feels like to lead your life from your best self, it’s time to learn how to invest in it. Like all of the practices in this book, investing in your best self takes conscious cultivation. We’re going to guide you every step of the way.

WHY THE PRACTICE IS ESSENTIAL

Deciding to invest in your best self means demonstrating compassion for all of you, and then caring for this best you like your life depends on it. Like it or not, this is a job of understanding, kindness, and self-respect. Self-love is regard for your own well-being and happiness. There are no shortage of books and studies that declare anything from 3 to 30 kinds of self-love. Let’s boil this down to three key ways to love yourself: physical—refers to how you see yourself, mental—refers to how you think of yourself (self-acceptance), and psychological—refers to how you treat yourself (self-respect).

For your best self to manifest, you must make yourself a priority. And the good news about why best self requires self-love is that loving yourself might be the greatest revolution of all time. The more you love yourself, the more you will seek to be leading from your best self and the less nonsense you’ll tolerate. If you put yourself at the top of your to-do list every single day, what would that mean for you?

Clinical psychologist and director of research and education for the Glendon Association, Lisa Firestone, PhD, asserts that there are well-documented consequences for not maintaining a healthy serving of regard for ourselves and engaging in self-compassion and self-care. These range from total energy depletion, resentment, and disengagement from others to getting lost in our critical inner voice, impairing our performance, and spawning a level of stress that takes a toll on our mental and physical well-being. In sum, Dr. Firestone says:

. . . sometimes the messaging we receive to be giving of ourselves, to push ourselves to the limit, be productive, and forgo our needs can be taken to an extreme in our everyday lives. If we’re not attuned to who we are and what we want, we can start to make sacrifices that don’t just hurt or limit us, but actually negatively impact those we care for.

The argument for investing in your best self could begin and end with pointing out how much better you will feel when you lead your life from your best self. In actuality, however, the benefits extend to others, too. If you want to make a dent in the world, you’ll need others to join you in whatever work you lead. The more you are leading from the best part of you, the more you will attract—and retain—followers.

CULTIVATING THE PRACTICE

Ask any executive coach or leadership development consultant how best to understand your strengths, and most will likely suggest you engage in some self-awareness activities and reflections. Whether you choose the 360/multirater or self-assessment route, there is no shortage of tools you can use to illuminate the best you. Having said this, we have our favorites. In our corporate education leader development work through our Simmons University Institute for Inclusive Leadership, we use the Reflected Best Self Exercise™ (RBSE).

RBSE is a personal development tool that helps you see who you are at your best, engaging you to live and work from this powerful place daily. Created from research at the Center for Positive Organizations (Ross School of Business, University of Michigan), the RBSE has helped thousands of executives, managers, employees, and students discover new potential. Unlike most other feedback tools, the RBSE isn’t limited to self-assessment. It invites people from your life and work to share stories of moments they feel they’ve seen you at your best, surfacing what few of us become aware of otherwise. The RBSE enables you to gain insight into how your unique talents have positively impacted others and gives you the opportunity to further leverage your strengths at work and in life.

Dr. Laura Morgan Roberts, a fellow of the Simmons University Institute for Inclusive Leadership, helped create the RBSE with her colleagues at the Center for Positive Organizations. Dr. Roberts defines strengths as the “qualities and capabilities that we possess that enable us to consistently produce desired results.” She and her colleagues from the Center have found that it is vital for leaders to deeply understand these aspects of themselves. “Our greatest strength comes from the power within—it’s about how we see ourselves as capable, resourceful, and caring. That’s what affects our ability to adapt, rebound, connect, persist, and convert substantial challenges into opportunities for growing stronger,” she says in the Positive Identities video series for the Center for Positive Organizations.

To discover and leverage strengths, the RBSE focuses on recalling high-performance episodes to characterize strengths in action and benchmark personal practices. In other words, leverage your strengths, and those of people you manage constructively, find situations that fit those strengths, and cocreate situations that engage those strengths. Strengths can emerge from talents, competencies, principles, and identities. Often, strengths are overlooked when, in fact, we should focus on honing them in a way that allows us to consistently perform at high levels.

So why focus on strengths over weaknesses? Which do you think will help you most in the long run in becoming extraordinary?

If your child comes home with a report card with four A’s and a C, what is your typical response? We tend to focus on the C versus the A’s. Parents around the world think the lowest grade deserves the most attention. This focus on deficiencies is also reflected in our approach to feedback and development at work. In the conventional view of development, we create a list of competencies based on observable indicators of success. Then we measure the performance gaps between requisite and demonstrated competencies, and focus on reducing those performance gaps by correcting deficiencies. The conventional view of development assumes that overcoming weaknesses will lead to excellence and that being well-rounded is important.

The RBSE and other strengths-based tools are exceptional because they help you leverage your strengths. Results can reveal a profound picture of flourishing versus getting by. According to Gallup, people who use their strengths every day are more likely to be engaged, and teams that focus on their strengths are 12.5 percent more productive. Yet less than 20 percent of global respondents use their strengths every day.

Advocating the “science of strengths” and the “practice of well-being,” Values in Action (VIA) is another one-of-a-kind strengths-based assessment tool, which was created by the VIA Institute on Character. Designed by 55 scientists, the tool assesses 24 character strengths categorized into six virtues: wisdom, courage, humanity, justice, temperance, and transcendence. The VIA Character Strengths Survey is a scientific instrument measuring your strengths, and it’s widely used in academic, corporate, and other settings. The tool focuses on a collection of positive individual character traits that are linked to your life satisfaction, well-being, and development. They are your key capabilities, influencing how you think, act, and feel and represent what you value in yourself and others. The scientific team contends that strengths correlate with the ability to flourish. Upon completing the survey, you receive an in-depth, one-of-a-kind report. When it comes to understanding your own strengths (and those of others), knowledge is power!

For the Simmons University flagship course, Strategic Leadership for Women^®, RBSE is embedded in the course because it is a holistic process of gathering qualitative contribution stories for thematic analysis of best-self features and practices. Research indicates that people who receive best-self feedback have more personal agency, are able to better develop their resources, and have higher rates of well-being. The RBSE process is correlated with job satisfaction, intent to stay with one’s job, and authenticity.

As we illustrate and celebrate self in this chapter, know that there are obstacles to a strengths-based approach to assessment. We’ve been socialized to believe in gap analysis, so strengths-based assessments feel countercultural and self-centered. We tend to seek and value deficit-oriented feedback. And let’s be honest: high-quality, appreciative feedback is rare. Others don’t give it and we don’t seek it. Strengths-based development focuses on unleashing human resources by extracting and distilling a core set of qualities and strengths, and by identifying and leveraging strengths that are underutilized.

Strengths-based development builds off of research showing that while people remember criticism, they respond to praise, and that each person’s greatest room for growth is in the areas of their unique strengths. The RBSE’s distinguishing features are important. It asks for examples of your best, not “the” best. It asks you to solicit feedback from multiple groups both inside and outside of work through stories, not checklists—meaning what you do and how you do it. It seeks to uncover added value. It focuses on strengths, not weaknesses. It decouples evaluation and development.

While the official RBSE is best if facilitated and organized by a certified coach or facilitator, you can do a bit of this work right now. Dr. Roberts suggests you reflect on two types of high-performance episodes and then write down stories for each. First, write a story describing a time when you motivated someone else to achieve a high-performance episode. Then write a detailed story about when you were at your best and functioning in a high-performance way. Thinking of stories like this helps get you moving in the right direction on all things strengths and can lead you to moments when you were at your best.

THE POWER OF KNOWING STRENGTHS

Investing in your best self starts in your heart and mind because if you are not aware of your best self or how to return there, you may be dead on arrival. You can’t connect with the people you need to. You can’t enroll them as a leader in where you want them to go. Most people would prefer to be in the company of others who are transparent, respectful, authentic, curious, assume positive intent, are able to give positive and constructive feedback, are patient, are able to listen carefully, and are able to show up as learners not knowers. It’s critical to know the times when you feel you are at your best; you’re doing many of these things. Here’s the challenge: none of this is possible if you aren’t aware of and actively managing your thoughts and feelings and ensuring your actions (what you say and do) are coming from when you’re at your best. In essence, you need to know your strengths to (1) keep them moderate and (2) return to them.

The Strength of Positivity: Susan’s Personal Account

I get excitable and enthusiastic. I’m positive. Optimistic. I like to see a bright horizon around the corner at every turn. Sometimes that leaves very necessary acknowledgements of hard moments unacknowledged by me. Where there is light, there is shadow. The light for me is that, on any given day, I might be found saying or doing something that might inspire others. The shadow is I might be found glossing over a more intense, difficult situation because I want to return to that happier or better place. That’s been my own journey.

What I know for sure after over a decade of being a student, teacher, and author of this work is that if you want to find more ease in relationships, be more joyful, less critical or reactive, less stressed, more productive, move through conflict with more ease, or just plain be happier, then investing in your best self is essential.

Why do I know this for sure? I spent the better part of my early years (teens, twenties, even a good bit of my thirties) fairly unaware. I was smart and tenacious and had a lot of positive energy. That seemed to carry me far. At the same time, I was pretty brutal to myself. Despite what many would call a confident demeanor and a good track record of professional success, I had all sorts of reasons why I wasn’t quite good enough. In my late thirties and early forties this critical, often harsh inner dialogue turned toward others more and more. I found myself annoyed with others whom I didn’t think understood how to do something, or frankly, I just thought I could do several things better than others. Needless to say, both thinking I wasn’t good enough and being critical (mostly only in my head) of others wasn’t a winning strategy. And then I learned a few things about myself and how to manage me at my best that changed my life.

Here’s what’s in it for you. You can have more ease and joy in your life, less stress, and more healthy and productive relationships. Join me in getting to know and then returning to the core of your best self. This doesn’t happen by accident. You need to cultivate it with intention.

Since the publication of Susan’s last book in 2018, Mastering Your Inner Critic, she has thought further about things that get in the way of a leader’s ability to lead from their best self. She knows that equity and inclusion—such a relevant and important charter for many organizations—require psychological safety. Now, given the working constraints and opportunity the pandemic has created, fostering an environment of inclusion is essential. An environment of belonging can’t be fostered unless we understand what the unique strengths of each individual are. Belonging can’t be fostered if we stand in harsh judgment of ourselves and others. While harshness is but one thief of being our best self, it certainly isn’t the only thief.

Understanding how to draw the right boundaries (how to navigate with others in a way that feels right to others and OK for us) is also tricky territory. You probably feel this in your own life, asking questions like: How much information should I share about myself? How much should I inquire about another? When does inquiry feel intrusive? When does oversharing feel too much? The quick answer is that every person and every situation provides a different set of circumstances for what is acceptable and appreciated. The choices we make must be thoughtful for the context in which we find ourselves. The global health crisis and the entrenched issues of racial disparity we find ourselves navigating have brought this all to the forefront.

For you to be effective as a leader in your life, arriving and thriving, the best advice Susan has is to get curious about (and be gentle with) you. When have you felt you are at your best? When have you felt you weren’t at your best? The invitation to you is to begin to think about what was true for you in both scenarios. Why? There isn’t much better work for you to be doing than the work of cultivating your best self and then intentionally leading your life from there as often as possible. Your time to get started is now!

A WELL-BEING PRIMER

Well-being is an essential ingredient to fostering resilience. While the bulk of our well-being wisdom is shared in Chapter 4, it is important to note that it is nearly impossible to return to our best self if we are not also actively taking care of ourselves. Dr. Richard Safeer, chief medical director, employee health and well-being, Johns Hopkins Medicine, wants you to ask yourself: When am I in flow? The psychological state of flow, according to positive psychology, is the mental state of being absorbed, focused, and enjoying your current activity (be that work, physical activity, etc.) It is a positive emotional and yet productive present state.

“When one is well, one has found a satisfaction and level of fulfillment and state of ease,” Dr. Safeer says. He also espouses that well-being is not limited to a state of good health. It is much more. He is quick to point out that well-being is not an action but, rather, a state of existence and lives on a continuum where the individual decides their own well-being journey. “While it is helpful to have dedicated time to attend to your own needs, you don’t necessarily need to carve out time for well-being. You do need to identify opportunities to practice well-being. It isn’t necessarily having to go to the gym. Well-being needs to be part of your day, all day.”

Thriving is an advanced state of well-being. Someone could feel well yet hasn’t achieved their full well-being potential, which includes growth and new experiences. At a higher state of well-being, you are comfortable, content, and happy at that moment. You are not judging yourself over your state of well-being. Dr. Safeer reminds us that judgement is not an attribute that is consistent with a higher state of well-being, and that levels of well-being fluctuate throughout the day and your lifetime.

THRIVE WITH THE ART OF RETURNING TO BEST SELF

All this encouraging talk about investing in your well-being and best self needs a grand reality check. If a part of you has been thinking, yeah, I get how nice it would be to live life when I feel my strengths meet my value to others, which meet what makes me joyful, and I’m all up on my well-being practices, but seriously? Life is stressful. People can suck and I can be a disappointment, so I doubt this notion of living life from our best self is actually all that realistic, you are smart and ahead of the game! It isn’t practical to believe we can be happy and at ease and in flow every moment of every day. However, we can be in our best-self flow more often than not, and we can return there. Learning the glorious art of returning to your best self is imperative.

Let’s just assume we will get kicked out of our best self. When we get kicked out of our best self (our flow) into any number of less productive places, it’s usually because something happened. For example, let’s say you were recently promoted to a role that has profit-and-loss responsibility. Weeks into the new role, you realize there is a massive amount of complexity and so much is out of your control—and you are depending on so many people. If you don’t remember and employ your strengths, this ignites your stress and kicks you out of your best-self flow because you want to control every last detail and are driven by a need to succeed. While the impetus was the job change, you are dealing with a daily dose of stress, not flow. Whatever the trigger, the occurrence kicks us out of our flow. What we think and feel drives what we say and do, so we need to push “pause” before taking too much action when we aren’t coming from our best self.

It goes like this: when we are in flow, we have a feeling of whole, enough, complete. We are typically present and engaged. When something happens that triggers us, we need to pause before our negative inner dialogue sends us someplace suboptimal. Usually, this suboptimal inner narrative, fueled by harshness and rarely moderate (which can become an outer narrative and verbalized quickly if we aren’t careful), tends to show up as one of two overarching stances:

1.   We point our harshness at someone else and we become critical of them. (“He doesn’t know this target market, so why would he say that?”)

2.   We point our harshness at ourselves and become self-critical. (“I’m a fool to think this will work.” “Why did I say that? That was stupid of me.”)

This reaction is normal. Especially when we are trying hard at something or feeling like we have put everything on the line for someone or a goal. When we dare greatly, the critics will come. Our own and others. Consequently, we must manage our own return to our best self swiftly before we become depleted, or worse, resigned or reactive. Our return (a return to the belief that we are fundamentally worthy and of value regardless of our achievement or what others think) is critical if we are to play big in the world. It will become the essential practice to investing in your best self.

This is a moment-to-moment practice.

It begins with noticing when something isn’t quite right for you. Imagine getting triggered and having a thought or feeling that is harsh and critical about yourself or another. Now imagine noticing that harsh thought and literally catching it with your hand (in your mind) because it is a fear-based thought fueled by disgust or harshness. The “catch” is when we push pause and examine the thought or feeling.

•   What’s going on for me right now?

•   Why didn’t this feel good to me?

•   What’s at stake?

•   Why am I . . . angry, frustrated, impatient, annoyed, scared, flummoxed, outraged . . . and allowing myself to think or say critical things about myself or another?

This is the pause.

The reason you must practice mindfulness (noticing) and then pause as quickly as possible (other than all of the consequences for you and your relationships if you don’t) is because the best part of you just got hijacked by your own brain. These moments can turn into a lifetime of anger and fear-based psychological warfare, or these moments can turn into opportunities to practice compassion with self and others and ultimately leave you feeling at peace. War won’t get you back to your best self. Love will. You are in the driver’s seat.

If you are triggered, chances are you are experiencing some level of amygdala hijack. The amygdala is a collection of cells near the base of the brain. There are two, one in each hemisphere or side of the brain. This is where emotions are given meaning, remembered, and attached to associations and responses to them (emotional memories). The amygdala is considered to be part of the brain’s limbic system. It’s key to how you process strong emotions like fear and pleasure.

Early humans were exposed to the constant threat of being killed or injured by wild animals or other tribes. To improve the chances of survival, the fight-or-flight response evolved. It’s an automatic response to physical danger that allows you to react quickly without thinking. When you feel threatened and afraid, the amygdala automatically activates the fight-or-flight response by sending out signals to release stress hormones that prepare your body to fight or run away.

This response is triggered by emotions like fear, anxiety, aggression, and anger. This fear, anxiety, aggression, and anger is fair game for full attack on you (“I shouldn’t have said that,” “I am such an idiot,” “I should know better”) or someone else (“She’s an idiot,” “He’s supposed to take charge now and once again is a disappointment,” “What a dumb thing to say”).

Thankfully, neuroscientists have discovered we have a newer, rational, and more advanced brain system since our early human days. The frontal lobes are the two large areas at the front of your brain. They’re part of the cerebral cortex, which is where decision-making, planning, and basically all your thinking happens. The frontal lobes let you process and think about your emotions. You can then manage these emotions and determine a logical response. Unlike the automatic response of the amygdala, the response to fear from your frontal lobes is consciously controlled by you. Breaking news! You possess the controls to change your thinking. This is the best news you can imagine when you just learned how amazing your best self is, and you have the motivation to live as much of your life as possible from your best self.

When you sense danger is present, your amygdala wants to automatically activate the fight-or-flight response. However, at the same time, your frontal lobes are processing the information to determine if danger really is present and the most logical response to it. When someone says something in a meeting that annoys you (because your inner critic says they are stupid or just factually wrong or maybe just the tone of their voice is like nails on a chalkboard), we can likely agree you are not in physical danger. Your brain understands this and sees the “threat” (in this case, another person saying something irritating) as mild or moderate.

Mild or moderate “threats” trigger the frontal lobes to override the amygdala, and you respond in the most rational, appropriate way. (“I know what her intent was when she said the comment, even if it came out a bit harsh.”) However, you might mentally be distracted by unhelpful and harsh thinking for far longer than necessary—even when your frontal lobes did their job.

As an aside, when the threat is strong, the amygdala acts quickly. It may overpower the frontal lobes, automatically triggering the fight-or-flight response. The fight-or-flight response was appropriate for early humans because of threats of physical harm. Today, there are far fewer physical threats, but there are a lot of psychological threats caused by the pressures and stresses of modern life. When stress makes you feel strong anger, aggression, or fear, the fight-or-flight response is activated. It often results in a sudden, illogical, and irrational overreaction to the situation. You may even regret your reaction later. Said another way, your amygdala is there to save your life, but it could also be the thief of your best self . . . if you don’t manage it.

Daniel Goleman called this overreaction to stress “amygdala hijack” in his book Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ. It happens when a situation causes your amygdala to hijack control of your response to stress. The amygdala disables the frontal lobes and activates the fight-or-flight response. Without the frontal lobes, you can’t think clearly, make rational decisions, or control your responses. Control has been hijacked by the amygdala. Goleman also popularized the concept of emotional intelligence (EI) and its use to help manage your emotions and guide your behavior and thinking. EI refers to recognizing, understanding, and managing your emotions and recognizing, understanding, and influencing those of other people.

Needless to say, when we have been triggered by psychological threats, we are catapulted out of our best self. As long as our frontal lobes won the battle with the amygdala, a swift return to a better self is possible. You can return to your best self with regular practice if you: (1) notice when you are triggered, (2) take a breath and “catch” the thoughts and feelings, pressing pause on the runaway train that is a reaction, (3) compassionately consider yourself and others, and (4) explore what’s going on in this instance.

For some, compassionately considering yourself and others can be the hardest part. The guilt we shoulder of not living up to whatever self-expectation we have can be all-consuming. So you might wonder how to get compassionate. One way is to channel the person who was most compassionate to you in your lifetime; someone from whom you felt caring, acceptance, affirmation, and appreciation (a grandparent or an adoring aunt or maybe a great friend or supportive boss). What would that person say to you at a moment when you’re feeling harshness toward yourself or another? It’s likely something along the lines of “whoa . . . easy now . . . gentle . . . it’s OK . . . you’re OK . . . you’re doing the best you can . . . they are doing the best they can . . .” It might have been the simple act of receiving a warm hug. Getting compassionate can also be helped by channeling gratitude. What about yourself do you feel proud of or good about, and even grateful to have been able to do? What about another is something you can feel grateful for?

YOUR TOP TOOL FOR RETURNING TO YOUR BEST SELF: SUSAN’S BEST SELF CENTERING PRACTICE™

I developed the Best Self Centering Practice with my colleagues at the Simmons University Institute for Inclusive Leadership. It is a practice of mindfulness designed to help you live as many moments of your life from your best self as possible.

FIGURE 1.6 Best Self Centering Practice

This is a four-step centering practice. If you put these steps into practice in the workplace and at home, you will get better results both personally and professionally—and you will live with more ease and joy.

Step 1: Notice

It starts with noticing what you are thinking and how you are feeling. What is your internal narrative?

•   What does it look like (visual)?

•   What does it sound like?

•   How does it make you feel?

You need to tune into what is happening in your mind. This is key to self-awareness. Instead of going through life on autopilot, you can become aware of what you are thinking and feeling. By noticing your narrative you take back your own power.

Step 2: Breathe

This is easier said than done. Still, it is one of the most important things you can learn to do. Breathing actually counters the stress response. By taking a deep breath, you can slow things down. You get into trouble (internally and with others) when you react. When you get grounded you can learn to respond. This is an active part of self-management. Listening to meditations can help, but taking a time out for a conscious deep breath (or five) is meant for you to do in the moment and when you’re triggered. Once you breathe in and out, think of something that makes you smile. Here’s how it works: breathe. Think about something that makes you smile. Breathe.

Make a list of the things that make you smile. Maybe it’s a picture, a special experience, or a special place. Capture what those things are. When you find yourself needing to breathe because you are triggered, if you think of something that makes you smile, you are essentially working with your limbic system to avoid an amygdala hijack and return to a calm center more quickly. When you smile, your brain releases tiny molecules called neuropeptides to help fight off stress. Then other neurotransmitters like dopamine, serotonin, and endorphins come into play, too. The endorphins act as a mild pain reliever, whereas the serotonin is an antidepressant. In other words, smiling can trick your brain into believing you’re happy, which can then spur actual feelings of happiness.

Step 3: Consider

When we honor ourselves or others, we see them as whole and worthy as fellow human beings. We find something that we can appreciate about ourselves or the other person so that we can see us or them with a kinder, softer heart with compassion. Easier said than done in a moment when you are triggered. Here is where you start with the important job of compassionate consideration: you identify things you appreciate about yourself. The great news about discovering your best-self is that the job of identifying positive attributes about yourself shouldn’t be that hard. What makes you special, unique, of value? What are three to five words that describe you at your best? Take time to identify what you appreciate about yourself. When you’re triggered into feeling not good enough, lean on your awareness of your best-self attributes to bring you back to a place of self-compassion. When you are triggered into feeling something negative or harsh about another person, think about what they are like when they are at their best (despite not likely being at their best, according to your perception, when you have harsh feelings toward them).

Step 4: Explore

Exploring is all about taking a minute to get curious. Asking yourself some questions about how you are feeling or what might be going on for the other person lets you better understand what is happening and then choose a different action. This is our destination.

The goal of returning to your best self is to realize and operate from a place where you see yourself (and others) as enough, whole, worthy, and complete. It’s a return to respect for self and respect for others. It must be intentional, and it must be thoughtfully practiced. Self-awareness, which is what returning to your best self requires, is hard work, but it’s essential to thriving.

THRIVER’S WISDOM

POWER RECAP Investing in Your Best Self

Key Points About This Practice

•   If you lead from your best self, you feel excellence and even elation within you.

•   You can be present in the moment (or bring yourself back there in an instant).

•   Your not-so-constructive inner voices will quiet down (at long last).

•   Your replay of your words and actions will make you proud; in other words, the gap between your intention and your impact on others is narrowing.

•   You are listening with renewed intention, and those around you feel heard and understood.

•   You influence without unintended negative impact, and if you don’t land as intended, you know how to clean it up like clockwork.

•   You know your strengths and value yourself.

Suggested Actions

•   Start with a self-assessment tool, such as the Reflected Best Self Exercise, Values in Action, CliftonStrengths, Business Chemistry, Myers-Briggs Type Indicator^®, or Enneagram to start focusing on your strengths.

•   Pay attention to when you are in flow.

•   Define what self-care means to you and identify a routine.

•   For returning, activate the Best Self Centering Practice (notice, breathe, consider, explore).

•   Remember your inner compass of curiosity, courage, and compassion.