CHAPTER 10

Myth: When Women Report Inappropriate Behavior Such as Harassment or Bullying, the Behavior Will Stop

I have learned over the years that when one’s mind is made up, this diminishes fear; knowing what must be done does away with fear.

—Rosa Parks

He was a very tall, strong, muscular man. When they met to discuss progress on work projects assigned to her, his body towered over her petite frame. They had never disagreed on how to approach any situation. One day without warning, he looked into her eyes, grabbed her by the shoulders, shook her violently, and screamed his opinion at her. He then lifted her by her shoulders out of her chair and swung her body across the room. As he lifted her above his head, he placed the collar of her jacket over the coat rack on the back of her office door. He left her there. She was hanging by the coat rack on the back of her office door. This story may seem a little far-fetched—hanging on an office door coat rack.

It isn’t. It happened to a woman. There are millions of other seemingly far-fetched stories that we learn only from the stories of other women when we talk about them. Another woman left her profession because her manager kept touching her inappropriately. She was unable to find another position in her field. Two women with completely different professional career paths talking at a cocktail party were encouraged to exchange bully stories. A third woman who made the introduction shared that the two of them had a common experience. After talking, they discovered that the experience of being the target of inappropriate behavior was not the only thing they had in common. They both were actually targeted by the same man.

There is no shame in being harassed or bullied by someone. Sally Kane wrote a career article identifying many reasons a person is chosen. It may boil down to the harasser or bully feeling insecure, jealous, and wanting control over the person. In competitive corporate environments, high-performing women are often on the receiving end of harmful, aggressive, and mean-spirited behavior. The aggressor may be a man or another woman. According to the Workplace Bullying Institute, women are 60 percent of the people targeted. The U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) statistics on sexual harassment charges files show that approximately 83 percent of the charges are filed by women.

Almost every human resources training program on the subject of harassment instructs the recipient of unwelcome physical or sexual behavior to tell the other person to stop in the moment. Intellectually, it sounds as though every woman who attends the training would be ready and prepared to confront the situation. Emotionally, it does not prepare women to respond in the moment of shock, surprise, and fear if the perpetrator is the boss with control over future performance ratings, compensation, and assignments. Research conducted by the Workplace Bullying Institute says that 71 percent of companies react to cases of reported abusive behavior in ways that actually harm the targeted person.

Most human resources professionals want to create a safe, healthy, and productive workplace for all employees. The people who work in human resources, though, must operate in the same company environment where the unwanted behavior occurred. According to studies conducted by affiliates of the Society for Human Resources Management, about 60 percent of professionals who work in the human resources department experience bullying, intimidation, and an offensive work environment too. Investigations of inappropriate conduct are conducted but without solid evidence, documentation, or witnesses who are willing to speak up, there is often limited action that can be taken.

Often in a case with conflicting testimonies by the two parties involved, the immediate outcome is an interrogation of the accused person. Legal harassment, discrimination, and even physical assault can be difficult to prove. An angry, abusive jerk with power over your future performance ratings, work assignments, career opportunities, or work hours does not typically make the work situation easier to navigate.

Favoritism in the form of giving one employee preferred work assignments over another employee regardless of their gender is not illegal. Failing to share information, leaving an employee out of a critical meeting, speaking harshly about someone in front of coworkers, and providing constant negative feedback is poor management technique. Investigators may argue that it isn’t legally discrimination because many people have seen the person harass both men and women.

Harassers and bullies seem to have become more savvy about laws and creative in recent years. A team of researchers in the UK found that cyberbullying and cyberstalking using social media, the Internet, and a variety of electronic tools has a traumatic impact on the victim. While the majority of people will experience some type of bullying in their lifetimes, they say there is much more work to be done in identifying ways to respond and to eliminate this behavior legally. This may sound like bleak news.

There are a few companies that have found healthy and effective ways to live the values that are posted on the office walls, eliminate offensive behavior, combat harassers, screen out bullies, and develop effective leaders. Professor Robert Sutton at Stanford University wrote about many of them years ago in a book titled The No Asshole Rule. These companies recognize that bad behavior has a negative financial impact on the company and a damaging emotional impact on people. One company that Sutton wrote about found ways to quantify the financial impact of poor leadership behavior and held the individual accountable.

Not all companies are this effective, and some even intentionally hire aggressive leaders in the interest of obtaining immediate, often short-term, results. Sutton said one of his primary reasons for writing the book is that his research showed that mean behavior is contagious. The person on the receiving end of bad behavior that is left unaddressed is at risk of lowering his or her standards personally to become an asshole, bully, or harasser. A company culture is formed with a ripple effect of each person’s behavior.

Change has never been easy for women. Hardships haven’t always been discussed openly. In the United States, a few years ago high school textbooks often had a short paragraph or two about the women’s suffrage movement. It most likely included little detail, no information about violence, no hunger strikes, or even recognition of the women activists who fought for the passage of the 19th Amendment. A review of textbooks at Minnesota State University revealed that the opportunity to describe the injustices on women so that we could learn from them has been completely missed by the authors teaching our children.

The #MeToo movement has raised awareness in recent years. We have seen more women march in awareness parades than at any time in the past five decades. Women have come forward to support other women who raise concerns, even when they personally have had nothing to gain from it. The American Bar Association cautions companies against closing complaints just because they are no longer legally actionable according to the legal requirements for filing a legal claim. They acknowledge that in the past some companies had kept the secrets of senior-level executives seen as too high on the organization chart to fall. An organization may be found liable for ignoring inappropriate behavior of powerful people. This is progress.

Success Strategies

There are five strategies for overcoming this myth. First, always prioritize your personal safety, health, and wellness. Second, speak up in the situation and tell the other person to stop. Third, document the facts. Fourth, cautiously assess the risk of reporting the behavior. Then, carefully plan your escape route for leaving the situation.

Safety, Health, and Wellness Is Priority #1

Safety always comes first. In the end, it will not matter if there are any witnesses or evidence. It doesn’t matter if anyone in the world believes what you say happened in your situation. Your best friend may think you are exaggerating. Others in your office or career network may know and like the person who has bullied and physically assaulted you. The only thing that will actually make a difference to you is that you come home from work safe each day. Your personal safety includes both your physical and mental health and wellness.

Many years ago, a woman accepted a position that appeared to be a good career opportunity. It was with a well-known company. She thought that having this position, experience, and company brand on her resume was exactly what she needed to propel her career forward. She underestimated the impact of accepting a position that reported to a bully. She spent her lunch hour each day walking to the parking lot, climbing into her car, closing the door, and crying in a place where no one else could see her. She thought if she could last a year in the position, then she would be prepared to interview, explain what she learned, and be ready for the next position. The emotional impact of working in an unhealthy, toxic environment can be devastating to a career and deadly.

The National Institutes of Health research confirms that stress can have a direct impact on physical health. Depending on the severity and duration of the stress, some of the areas that can be affected include the ability to learn, decision making, memory of information, and the functioning of your heart. People under severe and prolonged stress may also weaken their immune system. This means they will be more likely to experience disease and sickness. This clearly isn’t good for any business. Increased absenteeism and the higher cost of health care has a negative impact on company profits. Skipping work to take a mental health day to rest or get outdoors is a common phenomenon in unhealthy work environments. More importantly, the effects of enduring extreme stress over time may have a negative impact on your performance and career.

Basic self-defense knowledge and techniques are important in the event of a serious physical assault. There are a wealth of experts and resources for women that teach how to respond to a physical threat. Techniques often include increasing your awareness, demonstrating vocal confidence, and responding to physical threat.

Tell the Person to Stop

This advice has been consistent for many years in the legal and human resources professions. There are legal reasons why you should let the other person know that the behavior is unwelcome. This book is not intended to be a legal training or reference. There are other reasons you must speak up. You must tell the other person that you are offended because if they don’t realize the impact of their behavior, they will not have the opportunity to change. If you have offended someone at work, you would want to be given the benefit of the doubt and the opportunity to make amends. Communicate to the person in a calm, precise way. Start by explaining in a factual way exactly what they did. Facts are observable and hard to argue with. When you state the facts about what occurred, you are less likely to receive a defensive or emotional reaction from the other person. Then tell the other person why it was offensive to you. Explain the impact the behavior had and clearly ask him or her to stop.

Even if the other person has no intention of changing his evil ways, the act of telling him to stop is powerful. You will never be able to control the other person’s behavior or his response to you. You only have control over what you say to the other person in this uncomfortable situation and what you will do when someone offends, harasses, or bullies you. It takes courage and confidence to speak calmly. Express the facts, why it is important, and tell him to stop the unwanted behavior. It is the only way to feel empowered in the situation.

Document the Facts

Always document the inappropriate behavior and your response. Keep a clear legible record of the date, time, witnesses if any, and specifically what was said and done by each person present. If the behavior continues and escalates in severity, if you choose to report the behavior you will need the information. If there are written examples of the behavior and your response in the form of e-mails, text messages, or other communications, keep this information as well. There isn’t much more to say about this, except that it is critical as evidence that the behavior occurred. Don’t rely on your memory to remember every detail. Enough said. Write it down.

Assess the Risk of Reporting the Behavior

In an ideal world, everyone would report the behavior to an authority. Evidence of wrongdoing would be found, and the aggressor would be stopped. Witnesses would intervene or speak up to support the person receiving the unwanted behavior. We aren’t living in an ideal world yet. This means that you must know that when you report the behavior, your situation may or may not improve. Think carefully about the situation and assess the risk of reporting the behavior.

Consider what you know about the aggressor. Important factors might include his or her length of tenure within the company, reputation, relationships with others in the company, the level of power he or she holds, and any factual information you have about a history of previous complaints. Consider what you know about yourself. Important factors to consider might include your length of time with the company, your relationships with others in the company, your desire to continue working there, and your need for a positive career reference.

In the world we live in today, you won’t always be able to rely on others, including witnesses or other people who have been attacked by the same person, to support you. One woman who had experienced harassment told another woman targeted by the same person, “I want to continue working here. I am sorry, but I won’t speak up for you. This bully has damaged my career enough already. Others have tried to report the behavior, everyone knows about it, and nothing is ever done.” When everyone takes responsibility and feels empowered to speak up against behavior that is clearly wrong, the world may change. Today, it is important to think carefully about the best and worst thing that could happen to you personally after you report the behavior. Weigh the pros and cons. Then choose to take the action that is best for you.

Plan Your Escape Route

In many scenarios, the aggressive persons are unwilling to change their behavior. In other situations they may be able to change. There are executive coaches who specialize in helping leaders better manage emotions and change their approach toward employees. This type of behavior change from threatening to empowering others takes time. Even when you use superior communication skills and manage the other person well, when the timing is right for your career, often the best outcome is leaving the situation. It can be extremely disappointing to go into a new position with excitement and the expectation that it will be a good learning opportunity. Sometimes the most you will learn will be how to feel confident and empowered in the presence of a tyrant.

One woman found herself in a toxic situation working for a downright mean manager. She chose to leave the position after a month. She didn’t mince words with the manager who treated her poorly. She was direct and honest about her reason for leaving. She also chose not to include the position on her resume or offer that manager’s name as a reference during interviews for her next position. She was concerned about getting a bad reference from the manager. There was a risk in not revealing this information. Her future employer could have found out in a small town or small network of people in her profession in a large city. The next company could have viewed her omission of this information as dishonest. For her, it was a risk worth taking. She was established enough in her career to have other people to provide positive references. She found another position very quickly and never suffered any negative consequences.

Another woman with a similar experience took the risk of leaving the job immediately. She then openly explained to interviewers for her next position that she was unable to work for the manager in her previous position. She carefully described some of the specific factual behaviors she had experienced working for the person. The risk in revealing this information during the interview for the next position is that the interviewers have the power to interpret it and make a decision. They will attempt to understand the information shared with them about the situation in a short time frame without all of the evidence. They will consider the skills and experience she holds. They will also think about the culture within the company and decide if she is capable of communicating and working with the management in the new position. In this situation, the interviewers appreciated her honesty. They believed that their company culture and management approach was different than the situation shared with them. The woman was offered the new job.

There isn’t one best escape route that works for everyone. You must think about the current situation. As you consider the situation, think about the severity and impact of the behavior and the time frame you can endure it, whether it is one more day or one more year. It’s up to you to also think about your future. Your future includes the specific type of position you want to be in next, how you will transition from where you are now, and a plan on the specific actions you will take to get there.

Assess Yourself and Plan for Development

This purpose of self-assessment is to help you enhance your effectiveness. This tool can help you chart your progress over time. It can also help you discover your strengths and development areas. Use the information to guide discussions with your manager and others in your network who can support your career development. You may also use the questions to solicit feedback from others.

Assess Yourself

Instructions: Read each question item and rate yourself on a scale of 1 to 5.

• 1 = I need serious improvement in this area.
• 2 = I need some improvement in this area.
• 3 = I’m talented and skilled in this area.
• 4 = A strength for me.
• 5 = A major strength. I consider myself a role model for other women.

Plan for Development

Reflect on your assessment score and plan for your future. If your overall average rating is a 4 or 5, personal presence and communication style is a strength for you. If your average rating is a 1, 2, or 3, presence and communication style could become a career derailer. On the question items where you rated yourself a 4 or 5, consider new ways to leverage your strengths. If you rated yourself a 1, 2, or 3, consider the implications for your career. These areas could get in the way of your future success. Use the ideas for leveraging strengths and developing opportunity areas to create a plan for career development.

Leverage strengths

• Hold a discussion with others about the code of conduct, values, or acceptable behavior in the workplace.
• Assess the culture in your work environment and look for signs that unacceptable behavior is being addressed appropriately. Identify ways to improve accountability.
• Volunteer to lead a committee responsible for improving the safety and health of people at work. Discuss ways you might be able to prevent threatening situations and encourage safe reporting methods.
• Identify specific times at work where offensive behavior may occur such as a meeting where you anticipate conflict. Take action to discuss ground rules for behavior and set expectations for how you will interact before the discussion begins.
• Help others set boundaries and intervene when you see someone make an offensive comment toward someone else or behave in a manner that appears to be unwelcome or inappropriate for the workplace.

Develop opportunities

• Practice delivering a message about offensive behavior in an open and direct manner. Role play asking a person to stop a behavior with a trusted partner who will respond in an angry, threatening, or emotional tone. Ask for feedback about how you could improve.
• Avoid working for a bully by developing a list of interview questions that you will use to assess whether or not a manager is someone you can work for. Screen them out before you accept a career opportunity.
• Develop a list of questions to assess a company’s culture during the interview process. Have a thorough understanding of the work environment and the job. Research company reviews on sites such as Glassdoor.com. Look for comments about culture and tolerance for bullies and offensive behavior.
• Find support by connecting with organizations dedicated to the prevention of harassment and bullying in the workplace.
• Create a plan for monitoring your health and well-being. Activities might include a new exercise routine, a healthier diet, or monitoring your work hours.
• Learn some basic self-defense techniques for protecting yourself against a physical assault.

Additional Resources

Borysenko, K. September, 2018. Zen Your Work: Create Your Ideal Work Experience Through Mindful Self-Mastery. New York, NY: TarcherPerigee.

Crawshaw, L. 2007. Taming the Abrasive Manager at Work: How to End Unnecessary Roughness in the Workplace. San Francisco, CA, US: Jossey-Bass.

Garnier, K. 2004. Movie Iron Jawed Angels www.imbd.com/title/tt0338139

Lechtenberg, B. “Safety Courses for Adults and Seniors.” http://www.brettlechtenberg.com/adults-seniors

Namie, G. (November, 2009). The Bully at Work: What You Can Do to Stop the Hurt and Reclaim Your Dignity on the Job. Naperville, IL: SourceBooks Inc.

Sutton, R. (September, 2010). The No Asshole Rule: Building a Civilized Workplace and Surviving One That Isn’t. New York, NY: Business Plus.