The Genesis project – setting the scene

You are the project manager of a project called Genesis. The project is to help the whole organisation communicate with each other more effectively. Members of the project team have been gathered from different parts of the company, for example Sales, Marketing and Finance. Your job is to keep the project team focused on the goals and plans of the project, and support them to deliver. Yesterday you attended a meeting where the team got together to give updates on progress and talk through issues. You were surprised that some people appeared irritated with each other, and it affected the atmosphere around the table. Two people seemed to withdraw from participating and simply sat quietly. In particular, you felt that Rob did little to help with his manner and approach. His attitude to other team members seemed curt and even slightly hostile at times, and some of the language he used was emotive (for example, ‘That’s nonsense’). You have decided that giving Rob some feedback about what you saw might help. Your objectives for the conversation are to:

• describe what you saw, i.e. his behavioural responses and the impact they had
• understand more about what’s going on
• agree a way forward that improves the situation, for example influence Rob’s future behaviour to be more constructive.

Let’s remind ourselves of our map for our journey through the conversation: the Coaching Path, as shown again in Figure 11.1.

Figure 11.1 The Coaching Path

Much of the conversation flows in a similar way to the previous scenario, with the following exceptions.

• The topic and goal are given by the manager, i.e. to discuss yesterday’s meeting and their observations on behaviour.
• The manager will be prepared to keep offering their views or feedback.
• The manager may have some specific requests to make, which contribute to the ‘conclusions and agreements’ stage.

Practical preparation

As the manager, you are going to tackle what may be a difficult conversation, so preparing messages and behavioural examples is important. Your other preparation includes setting your intention for your approach to Rob, for example having an open and supportive attitude (rather than being critical or judgemental). For a fuller checklist of personal preparation, see Chapter 9 – ‘-Constructive feedback’.

Stage 1: Establish conversation

Once again, this step builds initial rapport and sets the tone for the meeting. It’s also where you, as manager, create a sense of relaxed leadership in the conversation, i.e. believing ‘I can facilitate us through this conversation (I know what I’m doing)’. In our new scenario, let’s see how that might sound.

Notice how the manager is voicing support for Rob in a respectful way: ‘I hope not to make you late for that.’ Rob may know that something’s not quite right, and be unconsciously preparing himself: ‘Yes sure, fire away.’ By responding to someone’s initial defensiveness or tension with calmness, you encourage their tension to ease or disappear. So the manager keeps a relaxed tone and does not react to any tension Rob may be displaying. The manager is also careful to put their own feelings about what happened in the meeting to one side. Remember, what the manager saw in the meeting yesterday was Rob acting rudely and mildly aggressively, and the manager may have been annoyed by that. But to display any annoyance might:

• cause the manager to think less clearly
• portray a judgemental or superior attitude; remember, we want an ‘adult-to-adult’ conversation not a ‘parent-to-child’ conversation
• place Rob on the defensive, i.e. he realises he’s being criticised.

Ironically, for our manager to display irritation would also mirror the very behaviour that provoked this conversation – curt manner, mild hostility. If we want to encourage maturity in others, we must first begin with ourselves. Watch how the manager maintains an objective view and supportive tone with Rob.

To confirm an earlier idea, our opinions and judgements can colour both our view of someone and the way we respond to them. When we believe someone is ‘wrong’ – for example in how they act – we often communicate that, either subtly or overtly. This reduces rapport and therefore feelings of trust, openness and mutual support. Once those features of a relationship are reduced so, too, is our ability to influence. So try to maintain an objective view, if only to give yourself a well-rounded view of a situation.

Let’s continue to the next stage on the path.

Stage 2: Identify clear topic and goal

Here the path takes a slightly different turn from the one it took in the previous scenario.

Now the manager simply needs to give the topic in clear, objective terms. For example:

The manager has begun with a gentle observation – ‘You didn’t appear to be very buoyant’ – rather than an overly specific one, such as ‘I noticed you were rude to Sophia on at least four occasions’. That’s because the manager is pacing a little, to orientate Rob to the topic, before giving the specifics. The manager has come prepared with some specifics (behavioural observations), and will offer them when it’s required. Rob is already preparing his defence, for example to criticise others, but it’s a defence our manager will not engage with.

When you have the topic, don’t try to coach it from them!

In a conversation where you are clear about what you want to discuss, it’s pointless trying to obtain your topic from the other person. This is a common pitfall of managers learning to coach and one that normally leads to a dead end. Because we might want to avoid being directive we forget that it’s okay to own the topic of a conversation and have objectives for that conversation. So instead of being willing to state or explain the topic and give the objective feedback, we use a non-directive style in order to ‘coach’ it out, which may sound like:

Manager	So, I was wondering how you thought the meeting went yesterday?
Rob	I thought it went fine.
Manager	How much of an atmosphere do you think there was in the room?
Rob	I’m not sure. I suppose I hadn’t really thought about it.

Clearly the manager is hoping that Rob will open up the topic for them and perhaps even ‘admit’ that there was an issue. It’s a flawed strategy and one that works on rare occasions. The manager should wait until the next stage (surface understanding and insight) before adopting a less directive, coaching style of enquiry.

Here’s how the manager continues.

Again, the manager is retaining a balanced, relaxed view, despite the signs that Rob is ready to argue. The manager is more focused on their objectives for this ‘topic and goal’ stage, namely to:

• offer the topic for discussion (complete)
• give objective feedback based on observation (ongoing)
• declare their objective for the conversation (ongoing, i.e. implied).

If at any time the manager allows themselves to be ‘hooked’ (or distracted) by comments that are less relevant to the above points, then the conversation may be side-tracked and lose direction.

Let’s see how the manager continues.

So the manager gives straight, open, direct messages in terms with which Rob is unlikely to disagree. He’s unlikely to disagree both because of the previous conversation that’s led up to this, and also because the manager is ‘owning’ the comments from a personal perspective, for example using phrases like ‘I thought’ or ‘For me it feels like’. The manager is also staying as neutral as possible, so not saying things like ‘You did this and that’s really bad’ or using emotive words like ‘rude’ or ‘arrogant’. Notice also that there are no clear ‘positives’ to balance the negatives. There could be some later, if they are true, relevant and appropriate. But they are not appropriate now, as they may confuse or reduce the important message.

What’s less easy to illustrate here is that the manager must pace the conversation in a way that enables Rob to hear what’s being said and process the information logically and emotionally. For example, if the manager rushed through the above observations, without the appropriate pauses, there’s a danger that Rob may begin to resist the flow of the conversation because he is struggling to react to what he’s just heard. It’s important that the manager stays tuned to Rob, rather than dashing through some pre-prepared statements.

So the manager now has their topic on the table and also a declared goal of ‘understanding more and improving the situation’. Let’s continue down the Coaching Path, picking up all our coaching tools as we go.

Stage 3: Enquiry, understanding and insight

This stage now begins to match the previous scenario (with Sally). As the manager, you are using all your skills of rapport, listening, effective questioning and feedback or observation. You want to hear more about the situation from Rob’s perspective and know that he’s more likely to be open if he feels you are not judging him. So you will be in simple ‘enquiry’ mode for much of the time. Let’s continue.

So the manager is gathering facts, not judging Rob’s statements as good or bad, but simply letting him speak. You’ll notice that Rob is gradually becoming more objective himself, as he is given space to ‘get things off his chest’ and perhaps clear some of his frustration. By not reacting to his frustration, the manager does not fuel it, and so gradually Rob’s frustration reduces. Once Rob is calmer, he can think more objectively. If we still think Rob needs to say how he’s feeling in order to ‘let it go’, we might ask him about it, in order to acknowledge it or help him deal with it. For example:

So by acknowledging what Rob is feeling and having him consider how it’s affecting him, we are tackling what may be a key issue of Rob’s personal development. You may be reading this thinking, ‘Yes great, but this is taking too long – why are we asking this guy what he thinks? Just tell him to improve his attitude.’ Of course we could just tell him that he’s got a bad attitude and he needs to improve it. It may actually result in his not being rude in meetings (at least for a while). But his self-awareness may remain the same, for example he’ll still think the rest of the world is wrong and he’s right. If we tell Rob to change his attitude we’ve achieved compliance but no personal growth. Remember, we’re coaching the person as much as the issue.

A quick summary can work wonders

Part-way through a coaching conversation a brief, accurate summary from the coach can often work really well. By giving a quick summary – either of the whole conversation, or just a few key things you’ve heard – both of you benefit. A well-timed accurate summary creates clarity, diffuses tension and gives people additional time to think. A summary can also refocus the discussion, or keep it on track if the conversation has digressed. My caution is that using summaries too often can slow a conversation down, or make it feel boring – so it’s a great trick when used sparingly!

Let’s continue.

By a simple, relaxed summary, the manager takes the pressure off Rob and allows him to reflect on what he’s been saying. Again, the space and the ability to detach a little have helped Rob realise something else, namely that he’s part of the problem rather than part of the solution. It’s probably worth digging one last time into Rob’s thoughts, just to see what’s there.

Now, in real life we may want to continue this part of the discussion, to help surface more of Rob’s ideas. We’d probably help him work out what his main frustrations are and what are the key issues he thinks need to be dealt with.

Using simple, open questions the manager can help Rob to reflect in a useful way, for example:

• Okay, so what needs to happen?
• What’s important here, do you think?
• What else seems relevant to think about?

I’ll add that the manager needs to be ready to give further feedback or opinion, for example ‘I’m not sure that’s enough’. But for the purposes of demonstration, let’s move on to the next stage.

Don’t push too hard on actions – it may cost you equality

Sometimes we spoil the ‘adult-to-adult’ sense of a coaching conversation right at the end, by being pedantic or forceful when agreeing actions. For example, after coaching someone really well to create ideas around a situation, we suddenly become dominant by saying something like ‘Right, so what are you going to do and by when – what am I going to see from this?’

Remember:

• Different people and situations need different levels of agreements or detail.
• You need to let go of the ‘I’m in charge’ attitude in favour of ‘I know I can trust you’.

Most things can be a ‘longer game’. For example, if I say I’ll do something and then not do it, you can pick that up at our next meeting. If over time this becomes a pattern of behaviour, you can tackle the pattern of behaviour directly, for example ‘I notice that some of the actions you’re committing to aren’t getting done. Can we talk about that?’ Remember, you have an ongoing relationship with the people who work with you and you encourage maturity when you demonstrate it yourself.

Stage 4: Shape conclusions and agreements

In this stage we pull together the main threads of the conversation and see what we’ve got: the conclusions, ideas and a way forward. In real conversations, ideas or solutions often surface in the previous stage and then get refined in this stage. In our abridged example with Rob, this hasn’t yet happened, although certainly he seems ready to think about ideas now. So let’s continue.

That final question (‘So, what are you thinking of doing?’) is quite significant, in that the manager has judged that Rob is ready to move away from discussing problems and conclusions and instead move towards a solution. The question also assumes that Rob can decide, which is a clear demonstration of the manager’s trust in Rob’s ability. That encourages a sense of empowerment in Rob. Of course, if Rob gives an idea that is either inappropriate or just plain crazy, then the manager can intervene. For example, when hearing an ill-considered plan, the manager may ask a question that causes Rob to look at the impact of the action, for example ‘How will Marketing react to that, do you think?’ Or if the idea is really crazy, the manager can offer a gentle opinion, for example ‘I think that might be outside the original terms we’ve agreed for the project’. We can still influence without being parental or controlling – we don’t have to say ‘You can’t do that, you’re not allowed to’.

Let’s continue after the ‘So, what are you thinking of doing?’ question.

As you can see, the manager is actually doing very little. To demonstrate the less directive posture, I’ve deliberately reduced the amount of input from the manager. In reality the manager might reasonably offer more views or observations, for example that:

• Rob’s frustrations are impairing his ability to stay resourceful and play a really valuable role within the team.
• Rob can sometimes get ‘stuck’ in the problem rather than focus on solutions.
• Rob is a lot more powerful when he helps people, like Sophia, to succeed rather than withdrawing support from them.

Again, these are all developmental points intended to support Rob, rather than instructions aimed at ‘fixing’ the issues. Any or all of these might comfortably sit within the ‘enquiry and understanding’ stage, or possibly ‘shape conclusions and agreements’. But any earlier and they may feel a little too judgemental (and create a defensive response). What’s important is that they are communicated in a way so that Rob feels his manager is trying to support him to be successful, rather than being critical, for example ‘having a go’.

Okay, nearly there, so let’s wrap this up.

Stage 5: Completion and close

Here we are just drawing the conversation to a close while leaving the ‘door open’ to pick the conversation up again if we need to. Again, you’ve got lots of experience at ending conversations in an appropriately warm way, so here’s how this one ends.

Now you may be wondering, ‘Okay, so where’s the admission of guilt? When is Rob going to apologise to Sophia and Erica? Is that it?’ Well, here’s what we need to remember.

• We are dealing with adults in an adult situation (not school, where people get punished). Our objective was not to prove Rob wrong, or to make him suffer.
• We trust Rob is a mature adult with basically good intentions: he’s voiced that he needs to ‘build some bridges’ and we can probably assume that means with Sophia and Erica. We’ve had enough of a conversation about his behaviour to make it clear that it has a negative consequence.
• While we have a duty of care for Sophia and Erica, ultimately they are responsible for themselves, and to ‘rescue’ them too much may reduce or demean their position.

The importance of effective follow-up

Rob has said that he’ll come back in a couple of days with an update and that presents an opportunity for a follow-up conversation of some sort, either to enquire about, or acknowledge, progress. You also want to sustain your positive intention and support for Rob as he works to improve his awareness and behaviour in this situation, and similar situations in future.

The topic is also relevant to Rob’s ongoing professional development and so you may choose to refer to the idea again, perhaps as part of a regular update meeting. Obviously if the problem behaviour continues, then you may pick up the conversation sooner. Remember, managing people is a longer game, and real change often takes a little longer to develop.