Choosing a way to edit

You have three main ways to edit writing. Try each of the following and see which you prefer — but realize you can always switch your editing method to best suit a current writing task or timeline.

Distancing yourself from what you write

The first step for a self-editor is to consciously assume that role. A professional I know keeps a special hat and puts it on to help him switch roles. Forget how hard some of the material was to draft, or how attached you are to some of the ideas or language. Aim to judge as objectively as you can how well your message succeeds in the goals you set, and find ways to strengthen it.

Your best tool to achieve this distance is the one that cures all ills: time. In Chapter 2, I suggest that you accord equal weight to the importance of planning, drafting and editing. But ideally, don’t edit in the same seamless time frame as the first two stages.

Try to build in a pause between drafting and editing. Pausing overnight (or longer) is highly recommended for major business documents. If your document is really long or important, try to edit and re-edit in a series of stages over days or even weeks. Some copy, such as a website home page or marketing piece, may never be “finished.” It evolves over time.

For short and/or less consequential messages, an hour or two between drafting and editing helps. A top-of-your-head email or text message that doesn’t seem important can still land you in a lot of trouble if you send it out without vetting. Take what time you can to clear your mind and refresh your eyes so you can look at the words with your editor eye.

Assessing content success

Start your edit with a big-picture review, leveraging the mental distance you gained by putting the piece aside for a while.

Read through the entire document and ask yourself:

• Is what I want clear from reading the message?
• Does the content support that goal?
• Is anything missing from my argument, my sequence of thoughts or my explanations? Do I include all necessary backup?
• Do I give the reader a reason to care?
• Do I include any ideas or statements that don’t contribute to my central goal or that detract from it?
• Does the tone feel right for the person or group I’m communicating with?
• Does the whole message present “me” in the best possible light?
• Are there any ways my reader can possibly misunderstand or misinterpret my words?
• How will the readers feel when they read this? How would I feel? What will the readers do?

Consider: Based on this message, would I give me what I want?

The initial editing challenge is to drill to the core of your message. If you followed the step-by-step process presented in Chapter 2 to create the document, check now that you met your own criteria and that every element works to accomplish your goal. Your objective answers to these nine questions may lead you to partially or substantially revamp your content. That’s fine — there’s no point working to improve presentation until you have the right substance.

Also consider at this point whether the message length is right. Aim always for “just enough”: Too much information dilutes impact and may lose your reader. But length often depends on the nature of the document. If you’re responding to a ten-page RFP (request for proposal), for example, a one-page response is probably insufficient. But you may need to write a single paragraph summarizing your whole career for a cover letter. You may choose to do the big-picture revision right away or plan for it and proceed to the second stage, the micro-level of editing: crafting the words. It’s much easier to make the language more effective when you know exactly what message you want to deliver.

Assessing your language

You have two ways to get instant, objective feedback on how well you used language:

• Use a readability index. Most word-processing software can give you a good overview of the difficulty of any written piece. As Chapter 3 details, Microsoft Word’s Readability Statistics box provides helpful information on word, sentence and paragraph length; the number of passive constructions; and the degree of ease with which people can read and understand your message. Use these statistics to pinpoint how you can improve your sentences and word choices.
• Read it aloud. This is the favorite method for many writers. As you speak your writing quietly — even under your breath — you identify problems in flow, clarity and word choice. Asking someone else to read your words aloud to you can put you even more fully in the listener role.

In addition to telling you whether you achieved a conversational tone, the read-aloud test alerts you to eight specific problems common to poor writing (I recommend solutions to the first four of these problems in Chapter 3):

• Problem 1: A sentence is so long it takes you more than one breath to get through it.

  Solution: Break it up or shorten it.

• Problem 2: You hear a monotonous pattern with each sentence starting the same way.

  Solution: Change some of the sentence structures so you alternate between long and short, simple and complex.

• Problem 3: All or most sentences sound short and choppy, which creates an abrupt tone and dulls the content.

  Solution: Combine some sentences to make the read smoother.

• Problem 4: You stumble over words.

  Solution: Replace those words with simpler ones, preferably words that are one or two syllables long.

The read-aloud method can reveal four additional challenges. We look at each problem in greater detail in following sections, but here’s a quick overview.

• Problem 5: You hear yourself using an up-and-down inflection to get through a sentence.

  Solution: Make the sentence less complicated.

• Problem 6: You hear repeated sounds produced by words ending in -ize, -ion, -ing, -ous, -ly or another suffix.

  Solution: Restructure the sentence to minimize words that end these ways.

• Problem 7: You notice numerous prepositional phrases repeated or strung together — of, with, in, to, for.

  Solution: Change your wording so fewer prepositions are needed.

• Problem 8: You hear words repeated in the same paragraph.

  Solution: Find substitutes.

If you read your copy aloud and practice the fix-it techniques discussed in Chapter 3 and the following sections, you give yourself a gift: the ability to bypass grammar lessons. After you know how to spot a problem, you can use shortcut tools to correct it. Even better, you can track your own patterns and prevent the problems from happening.

Everyone writes with his or her own personal patterns. The better handle you gain on your own patterns, the better your writing and the faster you achieve results.

Now for some detail on handling Problems 5, 6, 7 and 8. Here is a series of shortcuts.

Avoiding telltale up-down-up inflection

“Fancy” words, excess phrases and awkward constructions force sentences into an unnatural pattern when read aloud. The effect is rather like the typical up-down-up-down cadence of the tattletale: I know who DID it.

For example, read the following sentence aloud and see what pattern you force on your voice:

All of the writing that is published is a representation of our company, so spelling and grammatical errors can make us look unprofessional and interfere with the public perception of us as competent businesspeople.

Visually scanning the sentences also tips you off to its wordiness. This single sentence contains two phrases using “of,” two statements with the passive verb “is,” and three words ending in “-ion.” This produces an awkward wordy construction. Plus, the sentence contains 34 words — far more than the average 18 I recommend — and more than five words have three or more syllables (see Chapter 3).

You don’t need to be a linguistic rocket scientist to write a better sentence. Just go for simple and clear. Break up the long sentence. Get rid of the unnecessary words and phrases. Substitute shorter friendlier words. One way:

All our company’s writing represents us. Spelling and grammar errors make us look unprofessional and incompetent.

After you simplify, you can often find a third, even better way to shape the sentence. A third pass might read:

When we make spelling and grammar mistakes, we look unprofessional and incompetent.

Looking for repeat word endings

Big clues to wordy, ineffective sentences come with overused suffixes — words ending in -ing, -ive, -ion, -ent, -ous and -ly. Almost always, these words are three or more syllables and French or Latinate in origin, and signify abstractions. Several in a sentence make you sound pompous and outdated. They often force you into convoluted, passive constructions that weaken your writing and discourage readers.

Avoid using a string of these words in a single sentence. Try for one per sentence, two at most. Find these stuffy words either visually, by scanning what you write, or orally — read the material out loud and you’ll definitely notice when they clutter up your sentences.

The following sections demonstrate some examples of overly suffixed wording and how to fix it. If you are unenthusiastic about grammar lessons, proceed happily: My goal is to help you develop a feel for well-put-together sentences and how to build them. Once you notice problems, you can correct them without thinking about rules.

Pruning prepositions

Another way to reduce wordiness is to look for unnecessary prepositional phrases — that is, expressions that depend on words like of, to, from, for and in. Here again a good general rule is to avoid repeating the same form of speech in a single sentence whenever possible. For example:

• Original: Our mission is to bring awareness of the importance of good writing to the people of the business community.
• Revised: Our mission is to build the business community’s awareness that good writing matters.

A sentence with unnecessary prepositions is often clumsy:

• Original:  He invested ten years in the development of a system to improve the performance of his organization.
• Revised: He spent ten years developing a system to improve his organization’s performance.
• Original: Can it possibly be interpreted as a mistake by a reader?
• Revised: Can a reader possibly interpret it as a mistake?

And notice that when you cut prepositions, you discover additional ways to improve a sentence. Some examples of this progressive thinking:

• Original: Here are some of the imperatives of becoming a good communicator.
• Revised: Here are some imperatives of becoming a good communicator.
• Better: Here is how to become a good communicator.
• Original: Research is needed to evaluate the potential for each idea.
• Revised: Research is needed to evaluate each idea’s potential.
• Better: We need to research each idea’s potential.
• Original: Writing the proposal is necessary for clarifying your goal.
• Revised: Writing a proposal will clarify your goal.
• Better: Writing a proposal clarifies your goal.

Notice how weak wording generates more weak wording — passive verbs and over-use of prepositions come in bundles. Fix one problem in a sentence and you are easily able to identify and fix others. This lets you take different routes toward improvement. You can consciously look for extra “little words” in a sentence, for example, especially when they repeat. The read-aloud editing method works well for this.

Here are a few more ways to reduce your wordy phrases:

• Use an apostrophe. Why say the trick of the accountant, when you can say the accountant’s trick? Why write the favorite product of our customers, when you can write our customers’ favorite product? Each idea’s potential works better than the potential for each idea.”

  Here’s a sentence I wrote and reconsidered:

  The writer clearly understood the worries that neighbors would have based on their prior experiences with construction work.

  Version 2:

  The writer clearly understands the neighbors’ worries based on their prior experience with construction work.

• Combine two words and remove an apostrophe. The phrase build the community’s awareness can also read well as build community awareness.
• Use a hyphen. Rework the CEO’s fixation on the bottom line to the CEO’s bottom-line fixation.

Cutting all non-contributor words

Extra words that don’t support your meaning dilute writing strength. Aim for concise. Use the set of clues I describe in the preceding sections and zero in on individual sentences for ways to tighten. Here’s a case in point:

With the use of this new and unique idea, it will increase the profits for the magazine in one particular month, July.

Extra words hurt the sentence’s readability and generate bad grammar. Even though the sentence is fairly short, it manages to jam in two prepositions (of and for), an altogether useless phrase (with the use of), and an unnecessary word repetition — new and unique. Of course, the sentence construction is confusing as a result. A better version:

This new idea will increase the magazine’s profits, particularly in July.

Consider this explanation of Track Changes that I wrote:

Now when you make a change, the alteration is indicated in a color and any deletion is shown on the right.

The rewrite:

Your changes then show up in color, and deletions appear outside the text on the far right.

The revision works better because it eliminates unnecessary words and with them, the passive construction of alteration is indicated and deletion is shown.

Take aim at common phrases that slow down reading. Substitute simple words. Often you can substitute single words for formal, space-wasting phrases. The words on the left are almost always non-contributors; choose those on the right.

Try This: Track your own wordiness. When you write, notice which wordy phrases you often use. We all do it. Begin a list and add to it for a while. Then write in more concise substitutes, as in my list. Consciously use the short more effective versions and your writing will move a big step forward.

Thinking “action”

Active voice and action verbs are not the same thing grammatically, but for practical purposes, just remember to cut back on the following word choices:

• Is + an -ed ending: Your attention is requested.
• Are + an -ed ending: The best toys are created by scientists.
• Were + an -ed ending: The company executives were worried about poor writers who failed to build good customer relations.
• Was + an -ed ending: The computer was delivered by Jenny.
• Will be + have + an -ed ending: We will be happy to have finished studying grammar.
• Would be + an -ed ending: The CEO said a new marketing plan would be launched next year.

The solution in every case is the same: Figure out who does what and rephrase the idea accordingly:

• We request your attention. Or, pay attention!
• Scientists create the best toys.
• Company executives worry that bad writers fail to build good relationships.
• Jenny delivered the computer.
• We’re happy to finish studying grammar.
• The CEO plans to launch a new marketing plan next year.

Verbs endings with -en raise the same red flag as those ending in -ed. For example, I will be taken to Washington by an India Airways plane is better expressed as An India Airways plane will fly me to Washington or I will fly to Washington on India Airways.

Think present tense! Changing passive-style verbs to present or simple past tense as often as possible will transform your writing. Rid a sentence of a to be verb, and you win a chance to bring your message to life with an active, interesting one. Many professionals work this tactic out on their own through years of trial and error (trust me on this). Writing in the present tense takes a bit more thought at first but quickly becomes a habit. Use present tense everywhere you can and catapult your writing to a whole new level.

To do this, scan your sentences to spot is, are and the other to be verbs. Often, you can find a way to use a present-tense verb. Look for the important action — “is,” for example, often functions as a placeholder word without specific meaning. For example, the following sentence:

He is still a pest to the whole office about correct grammar.

Is better stated as,

He still pesters the whole office about correct grammar.

Or another verb may distract attention from the action that matters. This sentence:

Michael succeeded in breaking the pattern of expectancy.

is more effective and engaging as,

Michael broke the pattern of expectancy.

Trimming “there is” and “there are”

Big-time culprits in the passive sweepstakes are the combinations there is and there are. This problem is easy to fix — just commit never to start a sentence with either. Keep away from there will be, there have been and all the variations. Don’t bury them inside your sentences, either.

Check out the following examples and improvements:

• Original: There were 23 references to public relations in the report.
• Revised: The report cited public relations 23 times.
• Original: There is a helpful section called “new entries” at the top of the page.
• Revised: A helpful section called “new entries” appears at the top of the page.
• Original: It’s expected that in the future, there will be easier ways to communicate.
• Revised: We expect easier ways to communicate in the future.

In every case, using an active verb does the trick.

Cutting the haves and have nots

Like the to be verbs, using the various forms of the verb to have signals lazy writing. Find substitute words and a faster way to say what you mean as often as possible. A few examples and possible rewrites:

• Original: I have not been able to revise the proposal in time to meet the deadline.
• Revised: I didn’t meet the proposal deadline.
• Original: Here’s what can be accomplished this year provided I have cooperation from the relevant people.
• Revised: Here’s what I can accomplish this year if the relevant people cooperate.
• Original: We have to make use of the talents we have.
• Revised: We must use our own talents.

Here’s a sentence that uses two “haves.” How would you rewrite it?

We have anecdotal evidence that it works, but in order to get the clinical community interested, there’s a robustness of data we need to have.

Often there is more than one way to fix a sentence, just as with any problem. Here’s my version — yours may be different and as good or better:

Anecdotal evidence suggests it works, but to interest the clinical community, we need robust data.

Using the passive deliberately

Despite all the reasons for minimizing passive sentences, passive verbs are not “bad.” You need them on occasions when the “actor” is obvious, unknown or unimportant, or is the punchline. For example:

• The computer was developed in its modern form over a number of years.
• After long trial and error, the culprit was finally identified as the Red Toad.

You can also make a case for using the passive voice when you need to frame a message in terms of you rather than we or I. When writing to a customer, for example, you may begin more effectively,

Your satisfaction with the product is what we care about most.

Rather than,

We care most about your satisfaction with the product.

The second statement gives the impression that “it’s all about us.” Of course, don’t write an entire letter like the first opening — just the first sentence.

The passive is also useful when you don’t want to sound accusatory. The bill has not been paid is more neutral than You failed to pay the bill.

Reining in jargon

Almost every specialized profession has its jargon: terminology and symbols that shortcut communication and in some cases, make group members feel more professional and “inside.” If physicists write to other physicists, they don’t need to spell out the formulas, symbols and technical language. The audience shares a common knowledge base.

Similarly, lawyers can write to colleagues in the peculiar language they mastered through education and practice. A musician can exchange performance notes with other musicians in a way that means little to non-musicians.

The risk arises when people talk or write to anyone other than fellow-specialists and use inside jargon. They forget that the general public does not share their professional language. If, for example, you’re a scientist who needs to explain your work to a journalist, report on progress to company executives, order supplies, negotiate employment or chat at a party, it’s best to skip the scientific jargon entirely or tactfully explain it.

Outside of our own specialized fields, we are all generalists. We want to be addressed in clear, simple language we can immediately understand.

But business writers face an additional challenge. A specialized, jargon-laden language flourishes full of buzzwords that means little — even to those who use it. For example, a technology company states in a publication:

These visible IT capabilities along with IT participation in the project identification process can drive the infusion of IT leverage on revenue improvement in much the same way as IT has leveraged cost cutting and efficiency.

What does it mean? Who knows? All too often, corporate executives and consultants string together sets of buzzwords and clichés that communicate little beyond a reluctance to think. I know many editors who make good money saving some of these people from their worst utterances, but they sure don’t catch them all.

Of course, sometimes a writer or organization deliberately chooses to bury a fact or a truth behind carefully selected words and phrases. Then you might argue that a message built on empty business jargon works well. But I don’t recommend deliberately distorting the truth, writing without substance or masking either situation with bad writing. Doing so just doesn’t work and it may boomerang.

This widely circulated Citigroup press release a while back (www.citigroup.com/citi/news/2012/121205a.htm) makes the company look ridiculous:

Citigroup today announced a series of repositioning actions that will further reduce expenses and improve efficiency across the company while maintaining Citi’s unique capabilities to serve clients, especially in the emerging markets. These actions will result in increased business efficiency, streamlined operations and an optimized consumer footprint across geographies.

Translation: We’re firing a lot of people to improve our numbers.

To avoid producing empty business-speak, beware of using words and phrases such as the following — some are perennials, others come and go:

• 360-degree view
• bandwidth
• bleeding edge
• boots on the ground
• core competency
• curate
• dialog (as a verb)
• granular
• incentivize
• learnings
• move the needle
• optimization
• scalable
• shiny objects
• swim lane
• take it offline
• take it to the next level
• unpack
• vertical

If you’re writing a press release, website or other promotional copy, check it for buzz-wordiness by asking yourself: Could this copy be used by any company, in any industry, to describe any product or service? If I substitute down-to-earth words for the clichés, does the message have meaning? Will my 17-year-old nephew laugh when he reads it?

Cooling the clichés

Jargon can be seen as business-world clichés. English, like all languages, has an enormous trove of “general” clichés, expressions that are so overused they may lose their impact. A few random examples that can turn up in business communication: All’s well that ends well, think outside the box, barking up the wrong tree, beat around the bush, a stitch in time, read between the lines.

Clichés are so numerous they often seem hard to avoid. Often, they’re idioms, and they are found in every language. They’re popular for a reason — they communicate a meaning in shorthand. And they can be used well in context. But it pays to stay on the lookout for any that don’t carry your meaning or trivialize it. Instead, say what you want more simply, or perhaps develop an original comparison, as I explain in Chapter 3.

Never forget that English idioms and clichés are sometimes confusing to non-native English speakers, so try to avoid them altogether when writing to these audiences. In fact, speakers of British, American and Australian English use different idioms, so take care with their use cross-culturally here, too. A surprisingly high number are based on sports, and different sports predominate in the various countries.

Minimizing modifiers

The best advice on using descriptive words — adjectives and adverbs — came from the great nineteenth-century American novelist Mark Twain:

• I notice that you use plain, simple language, short words and brief sentences. That is the way to write English — it is the modern way and the best way. Stick to it; don’t let fluff and flowers and verbosity creep in.
• When you catch an adjective, kill it. No, I don’t mean utterly, but kill most of them — then the rest will be valuable. They weaken when they are close together. They give strength when they are wide apart. An adjective habit, or a wordy, diffuse, flowery habit, once fastened upon a person, is as hard to get rid of as any other vice.

Twain wrote this advice in 1880 to a 12-year-old boy who sent him a school essay, but he’s right on target for today’s business communicators.

If depending on buzzwords and clichés is Sin #1 of empty business-speak, overuse of adjectives is Sin #2. Consider, for example,

The newest, most innovative, cutting-edge solution to the ultimate twenty-first century challenges …

What, another solution?

Adopt whenever possible the fiction writer’s mantra: Show, don’t tell. Adjectives generally communicate little. In fiction, and especially scriptwriting, writers must find ways to bring the audience into the experience so they draw their own conclusions about whether a character makes bad decisions, is unethical, feels ugly or pretty, is suffering pain and so on.

In business writing, “show, don’t tell” means giving your audience substance and detail: facts, ideas, statistics, examples — whatever it takes to prove they need your product or idea, or you. Stating that something is innovative proves nothing. Adding an adverb, such as “very” innovative, just multiplies the emptiness.

Welcome opportunities to replace empty rhetoric with substance! There’s no substitute for good content. Use good writing techniques to make that content clear, straightforward and lively.