CHAPTER 4

We’re All Recovering Judgers

There is a crucial difference between being caught up in a feeling and becoming aware that you are being swept away by it. Socrates’ injunction “know thyself” speaks to this keystone of emotional intelligence: awareness of one’s own feelings as they occur.

Daniel Goleman¹¹

We took a short break while Joseph went off to get us fresh coffee from the kitchenette adjacent to his office. He was gone long enough for me to check my phone for texts and voice messages. There was a voice message from Grace. It was about her young assistant, Jennifer, who had messed up on yet another assignment. “I’ve just got to vent,” Grace was saying. “I feel like I’m two seconds from firing her. Can you call me right back?” I clicked off my phone. Why was Grace bothering me at work? Couldn’t she handle Jennifer by herself? Did she think I needed her problems on top of mine? My jaw and shoulders clenched up.

Just then Joseph returned with a tray that held two full coffee mugs and containers of cream and sugar. I took a mug and some cream, glad to focus on stirring what was in my cup. I needed to settle myself down so I could listen to what Joseph was starting to tell me. He was back to his story about the superintendent.

“My client and I both had a breakthrough that day,” he was saying, “right after I recognized I had gotten hijacked by Judger.”

“Wait a second,” I said. “You used that term before— getting hijacked by Judger. What’s a Judger highjack?”

“It’s when something happens that triggers you, pushes your buttons” Joseph said. “You’re going along with all the best intentions and you feel yourself tensing up, going Judger, and pretty soon you’re not listening. You’re getting increasingly defensive or you just want to run out of the room screaming.”

“I know the feeling,” I said. “I know it only too well. But isn’t that pretty normal?”

“Normal, yes,” Joseph said. “The problem is that normal or not, if we want to get things accomplished, we’ve got to have a tool for switching into Learner mindset. Once we’ve done that our perspective will change and open up. That’s how you recover from a Judger hijack.”

“That’s all well and good,” I said. “But did you ever get through to that guy? Did he ever get it?” The minute I asked that question I realized I’d been asking those same questions about myself: Did I get it? Something about that superintendent’s story was making me uneasy. But what was it?

“Oh, sure. The superintendent eventually got it,” Joseph said. “In the end, he made an interesting comment. With the ‘Judger agenda,’ as he called it, ‘the costs can be tremendous. The future can be only a recycled version of the past. And with the Learner program the power is on. The juice is flowing. You can actually make a new future for yourself.’”

Suddenly I knew what was bugging me. That story about the superintendent could actually be about me.

“You make it sound like any kind of judgment is a bad thing,” I interrupted. “But I disagree. I could never do my job without making judgments . . . and I take a lot of pride in making good judgments. You have to judge when you’re making technological choices, or when you’re choosing a vendor to buy from, or whether you’re assigning the best person to do a certain job.”

“By all means,” Joseph said. “You bring up an important point. Exercising judgment is about making good choices. I call that discernment, or acuity, which is essential in a job like yours. So I’m not talking about judgment in that sense of the word. I’m talking about being judgmental, as in fault-finding or dwelling on the negative or being critical. Judger and judgment are two very different things.

“In fact, Judger mindset is the enemy of good judgment. When we’re judgmental, brain activity gets spikey; the big muscles of our bodies prepare themselves for fighting or running. In some cases we freeze; our brains just shut down, and it becomes difficult to think at all. It’s the classic fight-or-flight response, with all our energies going in the direction of running away, putting up a good fight . . . or shutting down in resignation or defeat. Those are all variations of our survival mode responses. Using good judgment is the opposite of all this. It’s a shame those words—judgment and judgmental— even sound alike. One of my dictionaries defines judgmental as ‘attacking self or others.’ Nothing could be more different from exercising good judgment.”

“So Judger always means judgmental,” I said.

“That’s right,” Joseph said, taking a sip of coffee, “Judger is always judgmental. What’s more, Judger has two faces—either we’re being judgmental toward ourselves or we’re being judgmental toward other people.”

I fell silent, trying to absorb what he was telling me. How did it apply to me? I’d certainly gotten judgmental when I listened to Grace’s message. I’d jumped right into Judger. But Grace calling me at work about Jennifer wasn’t exactly using the best judgment on Grace’s part, either. Or was I being judgmental about her, too?

Joseph settled back into his chair. “What’s going through your mind right now?” he asked.

“I can’t deny that I’ve been spending a lot of time in Judger lately,” I began hesitantly. “But how do you avoid going down that path when you’ve got a guy like Charles to deal with? He’s the main source of the problems with our team and with our miserable results. He’s driving me nuts.” I clamped my jaw shut, not wanting to say anything more. I didn’t like thinking about myself as being so much in Judger. In fact, I was really starting to resent this Judger stuff. Besides, how do you stay on the Learner path with problems piling up all around you?

Joseph must have read my mind because the next thing he said was, “Remember that slipping into Judger is just part of being human, especially when things aren’t going well. In this respect, we’re all recovering Judgers. No doubt about it, our Judger nature can be a bit addictive. And the more we indulge it the more it becomes a habit and takes over. While it’s true we can never get rid of Judger, we can learn to manage it, to just be with it. Once you can do that a whole new way of being becomes available to you. Awareness, commitment, compassion, courage, forgiveness, acceptance—with a dash of humor—that’s what it takes to keep recovering ourselves and resetting our course back to the Learner path.

“The whole idea is to accept Judger and practice Learner, moment by moment by moment. This work is not about getting on the Learner path and staying there. That’s a pipe dream. Real personal power depends on how good we get at recovering from Judger once it takes over. That’s why I got such a kick out of that situation with my superintendent client. Sure I got hijacked by Judger, but the instant I realized it, I could rescue myself and get back on the Learner path. Sometimes it’s even fun to see how fast I can catch Judger and how fast I can recover.

“Frankly,” Joseph said with a smile, “sometimes I find myself slipping into Judger several times an hour! By the way, in your workbook you’ll find a tool called Make Friends with Judger.”

The idea of having to deal with Judger forever didn’t please me very much. On the other hand, at least it meant I wasn’t any worse off than anyone else.

Joseph paused for a moment, then said, “Tell me more about Charles.”

“He’s second in command on the project team I head up,” I said, hoping my exasperation didn’t show too much. “But this guy challenges everything I say. I must admit, he’s probably got a legitimate bone to pick with me. He was passed over for the position I got, and boy, does he resent it. I would, too, if I were in his shoes! He’s a real know-it-all, picky and petty. He’s out to sabotage me. That’s the bottom line. And it looks like he’s succeeding.”

“When you think about Charles, what’s the first question that pops into your mind?”

I chuckled. “That’s easy! How can I put a leash on this guy before he destroys me?”

“Anything else?”

“Lots of things! How can I stay in control? Aren’t I supposed to be the one who’s the leader of this team? How can I make this guy get with the program?”

“And?”

“How did I ever get myself into this mess? Whatever made me think I could handle being a leader?” I paused for a moment, then asserted, “Listen, the thing is, Charles needs to change as much as you seem to think I do.”

“What you’re saying about Charles may be true,” Joseph said. “But you’re the one in my office now. Change begins with the person who wants the change. Right?”

That really knocked the wind out of my sails. I sat back in my chair and took a deep breath. “What am I supposed to do, ignore the fact that he stabs me in the back every chance he gets?” I was getting steamed. “There’s no way to separate my reactions from what Charles does!”

“Ah, but that’s the beauty of it,” Joseph said. “You can separate your reactions from his behavior—and anyone else’s. Until you do, you’ll keep giving away your power. You’ll be just like a puppet, with no control of your own. Anybody, including Charles, will be able to pull your strings and hijack your Judger. It’s a matter of whether you have your Judger or your Judger has you.”

“I’m not agreeing or disagreeing with you,” I said, secretly seething inside. “I don’t think I could possibly see this situation with Charles any differently.”

“Is that a question?” Joseph asked.

“What are you saying?”

“Can you reshape that statement as a question?”

“You mean, like, How else can I think about this?” To my surprise, the moment I asked myself this question I felt a subtle shift inside. For one thing, I let go of the breath I hadn’t even known I was holding, and my shoulders relaxed enough that Joseph probably saw it.

“Exactly. Did you notice? You just switched yourself into Learner. Quick as that. And here’s my answer: No matter what Charles or anyone else might do, you can use the Choice Map, and what you’re learning about your body’s messages, to identify when you’ve gone into Judger. Those messages will remind you to stand back and observe where you are. You will have empowered your observer self, so you can watch your own movie for a moment. Then you’ll be able to tell the difference between what Charles does and what you choose to do with what he does.”

I tried to take in Joseph’s lesson. It wasn’t easy. Judger questions were still running through my brain. I guess Judger had a grip on me where Charles was concerned. Was that true in my marriage, too?

“Let’s go back for a moment to that figure standing at the crossroads,” Joseph said, tapping his finger on the Start arrow of the Choice Map. “Remember, this figure represents every one of us at the moment when we’re hit with something and we have to deal with it. We’re stumped. Regardless of the situation, it’s vital to remember we have choice about how to respond. Do you know what those choices are?”

“We can just react and jump right into Judger,” I said, feeling my way along, “Or we can pause, check in with our moods and body feelings, and notice what kinds of Self-Q’s we’re asking, then try to choose Learner. We can choose . . . we have choice.”

Fireworks started going off in my mind. I actually do have choice! And I can choose Learner when I want to. Maybe Joseph’s tools really could make a difference with my results at work.

“I have to say,” I told him cautiously, “maybe it’s not as difficult to distinguish between Judger and Learner as I thought.”

Joseph actually clapped his hands. “Yes. Yes, that’s great! Once you’re able to observe your own thoughts and feelings, and recognize the differences between Learner and Judger, you step into self-coaching territory, where you grab hold of the power of choice.” Joseph seemed tremendously excited by this notion. “You’re a quick study,” he exclaimed. “I see another of the traits Alexa values in you so much.” He glanced at his wristwatch. “We’ve been talking for a long time. Let’s stop here for the day.”

Joseph opened a drawer in his desk and took out some colorful copies of the Choice Map.

“Take these with you,” he said, handing them to me. “Study the Choice Map when you get to your office. And take one home to post on your refrigerator.”

I groaned inwardly. What on earth would I tell Grace about all this! She’d want to know where I’d gotten the Choice Map and why I’d put it on the refrigerator.

“This map illustrates fundamental distinctions between Learner and Judger mindsets,” Joseph said, as we walked down the hall. “Ultimately, the message is pretty simple. Change your questions, change your results. This is core self-management know-how for every recovering Judger.” He smiled and added: “Remember, Ben, that’s all of us, we’re all recovering Judgers.”

At the doors of his outer office, Joseph stopped and turned to face me. Over his shoulder, on the wall with the Question Thinking Hall of Fame, I spotted a picture of Alexa. It appeared to be from a major magazine, profiling her for some award. Embarrassed though I was to admit it, I hadn’t known about this article or her award. Given how long I’d known Alexa I certainly should have.

“See you next time,” Joseph said, shaking my hand warmly.

My head was spinning. My whole life was being turned upside down. What really puzzled me was that I also felt lighter, more optimistic than I’d been in ages. One thing Alexa was right about—this Joseph guy had a provocative way of looking at how to make changes in our lives. I began to imagine that maybe, by working with him, I’d come up with answers—or was it new questions—that could put my career back on track.