CHAPTER 5
Kitchen Talk
The big question is whether you are going to be able to say a hearty “yes” to your adventure.
It was early in the morning when Grace found the Choice Map I had stuck on the refrigerator door the night before. As usual, I awoke to the smell of fresh coffee and made my way downstairs to the kitchen. Grace is always up before me. She’s one of those people who wakes up cheerful and enthusiastic about each new day. I’m just the opposite, and I know it sometimes puts Grace on edge. She claims that I’m like a bear coming out of hibernation in the morning. I don’t think I’m quite that bad, but I don’t exactly start the day off with a song in my heart.
As I entered the kitchen, I found Grace standing in front of the refrigerator with her back to me. She appeared to be engrossed with the Choice Map. I was immediately worried about what she might to say. I was pretty sure she’d start probing, and I’d have to tell her the whole thing—about my trouble at work and all the rest of it. That would lead to how I’d gotten the Choice Map and why I’d posted it on the refrigerator. Then I might have to tell her about why Alexa had referred me to Joseph, and that could turn into an emotional minefield.
While I was worrying about how I would avoid telling her the whole story, Grace suddenly turned around and gave me a big hug.
“Where did you get this?” she asked. “It’s terrific!”
She took the Choice Map off the refrigerator door and started waving it around in her hand. I mumbled something about it being a handout for a special training at work, and then poured a cup of coffee for myself and one for Grace.
“I’m amazed,” she said. “I’ve already learned something from this. You remember that message I left you about Jennifer, my assistant at work? I guess I’ve been riding her pretty hard lately. I can just feel her cringing any time I get within a few feet of her. Looking at the Choice Map, I realize I’ve been a real Judger with her, like it says here, and I’m sure that’s put her on edge. She’s been messing up a lot, but this makes me wonder if I’ve been contributing to the problem. After all, nobody does their best work when their boss is expecting the worst from them.”
“It’s all in the kinds of questions you ask.” I didn’t even think before the words just popped out of my mouth.
“What questions?” Grace asked. “I don’t ever get that far with poor Jennifer.”
“According to this guy Joseph, who gave me this map . . .”
“Wait,” Grace interrupted. “Who’s Joseph?”
I stared at her blankly for a moment, debating about whether to tell her the truth. I decided to keep things simple. “He’s this consultant Alexa hired,” I told her, determined not to go into any more details than absolutely necessary. Yesterday, right after meeting with Joseph, I’d spent an hour studying the map, preparing answers for any questions Grace might have. “He claims that most of the time we’re not even aware of the questions we ask ourselves or other people. That’s what the Choice Map teaches. It’s a reminder to look carefully at those questions, because they affect how we think, feel, and act and even how other people respond to us.”
Grace looked puzzled. I pressed close to her and pointed to the little guy at the crossroads. “There’s the key right there,” I said, pointing to the words Thoughts, Feelings, Circumstances near the figure’s head. “The moment anything happens to us, that’s when we start asking ourselves questions. The sooner we recognize what we’re asking, the better. That way we have more options.” Was this really me talking? I was amazed at how much I recalled of Joseph’s teachings. The more we talked, the more comfortable I was getting with this QT stuff.
“The main thing I see are these two paths,” Grace said, tracing first one and then the other with her finger. “Take the Learner route and you’ll move right along. The Learner guy is saying, ‘What do I want? What are my choices?’ This other one is asking, ‘What can I learn?’ Oh, you’re right, these are all questions. And the guy on the Judger path, he’s all caught up with different questions like: ‘Whose fault is it? What’s wrong with them?’ I’ll tell you, Ben, at the office, every time I hear a pin drop or somebody sigh, the first thing that pops into my head is, ‘Oh, Lord, what’s wrong now? What else can Jennifer possibly mess up?’ And then, in a flash, I’m down on her. Do you know what she did yesterday, Ben? She . . . oh, hold it. That’s taking me right into Judger territory, isn’t it?”
“The way it works,” I explained, “is that from moment to moment, stuff happens. Good stuff and bad stuff. It sort of hits us unawares. Then, especially if we have a strong Judger habit, our questions tend to follow that same pattern. If we’re more in Learner mode, we’ll ask questions in that direction.”
“Action follows thought,” Grace added. “It’s a basic principle. But I never thought about it in terms of questions. Action follows questions. Seems to me the trick is to just keep ourselves in a Learner frame of mind.”
“According to Joseph,” I told Grace, “nobody stays in Learner all the time. It’s natural to slip into Judger now and then. In fact, we alternate between the two mindsets all the time. It’s just human nature.” Even as I said those words, I was thinking about the argument she and I got into that day I dropped her off at the airport. I was still feeling embarrassed about how I’d treated her. I wasn’t ready to go into all that with Grace, but at least I summoned up the nerve to mention part of it.
“It’s so easy to go into Judger,” I said, carefully choosing my words. “For example, the other day I was trying to pull out into traffic and nearly got hit by a taxi that was going about twice the speed it should have. I instantly went into Judger. It was like a bolt of lightning, you know? It happened that fast. In an instant, I was ready to punch the guy out.”
“Sometimes you really worry me,” Grace said, shaking her head.
My shoulders tensed up and I could feel myself getting defensive. I knew she didn’t approve of my driving habits, though I’d never had an accident. We’d gotten into arguments about this before, but this time a part of me stopped and said, Don’t go there, buddy. I took a deep breath, shrugged my shoulders, and just tried to keep things easy and relaxed.
“It’s just an example. What I now see, thanks to Joseph’s Choice Map, is how that close call immediately put me in Judger. I’m not saying I handled it well. In fact, I know I didn’t, because I was angry as hell for the next couple of hours. I was experiencing what Joseph calls a Judger hijack.”
I really wanted to tell Grace the whole story, about how I’d lumped together everything I’d been experiencing lately. I’d been stewing about whether or not to resign. I was irritated about having to meet with Joseph. I was hurt, worried about my whole career going up in smoke, and angry with Grace for pressuring me about our relationship in the midst of all this. My life had become just one big . . . well, one big Judger Pit, I guess, and I had been sinking in the mud.
I tensed all over as I realized I’d been as much of a challenge to Joseph as that judgmental superintendent he’d told me about. That first day I’d slouched into his office certain that meeting with him was going to be a hopeless waste of my time. In the mood I’d been in, it was a miracle anything he said had gotten through to me. Now I was telling Grace about Joseph’s ideas as if I actually knew what I was talking about!
“I’m thinking this map is a good reminder of what happens to me when I get stuck in one of my Judger heads,” Grace said. She turned away for a moment and sat down at the breakfast table. She sipped her coffee and nibbled her toast as she studied the map. I continued standing, leaning against the counter, watching her. After a moment, Grace looked up a little shyly.
“Maybe this could help us . . . you know, in our relationship,” she said. “What do you think?” There was not the slightest hint of blame or judgment in her voice. I was really grateful for that.
“Joseph says that life is filled with those moments when something hits us and sets us off on one path or another. . . .”
“But what do you think,” Grace asked, “I mean, about it helping us—you and me?”
This time I thought I detected a bit of an edge in her voice. She really wanted me to tell her exactly what I was thinking. “As I said,” I answered. “I think it applies well to any and all areas of our lives. We can all use better tools.”
“What’s that supposed to mean, better tools?” she asked, sounding definitely irritated.
I tried to ignore Grace’s eyes. So far our conversation had gone so well, I didn’t want it to turn sour. I was already asking myself: What stupid thing did I say to mess things up again? And why did she bring up our relationship in the first place? Talk about bad timing! And then I caught myself. Those simple little questions were pushing me right down the Judger path. This time, though, I saw it coming. I imagined Joseph as a coach on the sidelines shouting to me, Learner! Learner! Remember the Choice Map! Change your questions! You can turn this around! Almost instantly a new question occurred to me: How can I keep things positive between Grace and me?
“Sorry,” Grace was saying. “I just realized I was starting to go Judger on you.”
For a moment I felt puzzled, then relieved as it dawned on me what had happened. Grace had started going down the Judger path. We both had. And then she stopped herself, and so did I. Amazing! In spite of myself, I smiled.
“What are you smiling about?” Grace asked. She got up from the table, took her dishes to the sink, then turned to face me.
“Sweetheart,” I said. “You’re wonderful!” I took her in my arms and held her close. She stiffened but quickly softened and hugged me back.
“Do you remember that night when we had dinner at the Metropol and I was late?” I asked. I felt her nodding her head against my shoulder.
“We really got into it, didn’t we, about who got their times mixed up? Then you did a remarkable thing. You suddenly just dropped the whole argument, and everything shifted. We got connected again. Do you remember?”
“Mm hmm, I sure do!” She chuckled, planting a kiss on my cheek.
It was difficult being serious while remembering that night, but I really wanted to get my point across. “Joseph talks about switching from Judger to Learner, and how we can do that with a single question.”
“Like when I ask myself: Do I want to win this argument? Or, Do I want to have a good time?” Grace drew away from me but kept her hands on my shoulders.
“Is that how you do your magic?” I asked.
“Some of it,” she said, leaning into me again. “But I never thought of it in terms of questions.”
“I’m serious,” I said, wanting to make certain I got my point across. “I just realized that you’re a natural at the very thing Joseph teaches. I’ll bet you do it by changing your questions, even if you’re not aware of it. You take yourself straight to Learner. That’s how you shift your mood!”
“I like those shifts!”
“Me, too,” I said, hugging her again. I still wanted to know more about how she made those shifts. “How did you learn to do that?”
Before she could answer, the alarm chirped on her phone. Grace always sets it to alert her when it’s time to get ready for work.
“Oh, no!” She sighed, suddenly all businesslike. “I’m sorry, Ben. I’d love to call in late but I really can’t. I have an important meeting this morning.”
In the next instant, she was dashing up the stairs to finish getting ready. Twenty minutes later she kissed me goodbye and raced out the door. When I got around to pouring myself another cup of coffee, I glanced at the refrigerator and realized the Choice Map was gone. Grace had taken it to work with her!
As I was getting in my car to leave for the office, I noticed a piece of paper stuck under the windshield wiper. It was a hurriedly written note from Grace:
Darling,
Thank you so much for the Choice Map—and especially for the good talk this morning. You can’t imagine how much it means to me!
Love,
Grace
I’d never expected Grace to take the Choice Map. I felt great about the note. Clearly she liked Joseph’s ideas. At least for now, I’d redeemed myself in her eyes. Good! That was one less pressure in my life.