CHAPTER 6
NONVERBAL COMMUNICATION
HOW TO MOVE LIKE AN EXPERT

It might be possible to distinguish from behind a blockhead, a fool, and a man of intellect. The blockhead would be characterized by a leaden sluggishness of all his movements; folly is stamped on every gesture; so too are intellect and a studious nature.

—ARTHUR SCHOPENHAUER

The Effects of Nonverbal Communication

When I give a talk on nonverbal communication, I begin with the following words: “Put your left hand in front of you, your right hand above it. As soon as I say so, clap your hands together.” Without pausing, I clap, and almost the entire audience does so as well—even though I haven’t given them the command yet. This little demonstration quickly and clearly illustrates my point to the crowd: what you say is less important than what you actually do. To prove the point, having done this little exercise is much more impressive than just reading about it.

Even though verbal communication and the manner of speaking is of crucial importance, the effect of body language is usually stronger on our subconscious than that of the spoken word.¹ We see this idea play out in how people consume news. Those of us who watch television end up drawing conclusions about a story or report that are often contrary to the conclusions of those of us who listen to the radio, even though the content of the two mediums is identical.² When pictures speak a different language from words, the images prevail. In fact, some psychologists consider nonverbal communication to be the decisive key to influencing others.³

We also consider body language—with the exception of facial expressions—to be authentic, exhibiting how a person truly feels about a given situation, conversation, or task.⁴ We all know how easy it is to deceive others with our words, and how empty and dishonest they can be. It’s less common to fake nonverbal communication, our bodies’ cues and movements.

Despite all this, we underestimate the role of nonverbal communication in terms of our own external impact and, as a rule, focus more on our words.⁵ However, if we deliberately use our nonverbal communication skills, we can strongly influence the specific impressions we make on people and present ourselves in a certain light. Luckily, decades of research—based on years of comparing nuances in body language—provides us with deep insight and findings that you can implement almost immediately. A huge potential slumbers here, just waiting to be awoken to contribute to your perceived competence.

Near and Far

In 1972’s unforgettable The Godfather, Don Corleone, played by Marlon Brando, always places himself very close to the people he speaks with—especially if they are responsible for his bad mood. The godfather thus did not stand or sit out of consideration to others so they could better understand him, despite his chronic mumbling. Rather, he wanted to intimidate his opponents.

The US psychologists Stuart Albert and James Dabbs conducted an experiment in which they closely examined the effect of physical distance between people.⁶ Ninety subjects each listened individually to students who told them something about two subjects for five minutes—overpopulation and openness in personal relationships.

Afterward, the subjects had to evaluate the students according to various criteria, including their perceived competence. Albert and Dabbs came to the following conclusions: A distance of only 1–2 feet (30–60 centimeters) between the subjects and students actually caused nervousness and tension in the conversation partner—many people, and Americans in particular, find such a closeness to be downright invasive.⁷ At the same time, this intrusion of personal space led to a defensive response by the subjects and thus to a reduction in the students’ perceived competence.⁸ Therefore, outside the world of gangsters on the silver screen, such an awkward position is not recommended.

A distance of 14–15 feet (2–4 meters) from the person you are talking to also reduces the impression of competence. This amount of space leads to a more negative attitude and a more hostile mood in both people involved, which may be due to the fact that it is difficult to create a rapport or real connection with someone over a wider distance.⁹

The most competent way to place yourself is to keep a distance of 4–5 feet (1.20–1.50 meters) from the person you are talking to. This research result is easy to translate into everyday life, whether standing or sitting. If you are giving a presentation, for example, don’t position yourself too far away from the audience. When you have visitors at your desk during a meeting or other formal discussion, make sure that the chairs are optimally placed for this distance. In casual standing conversations, a distance of about two steps from the person you’re speaking with is best.

Of course, you can’t carry around a measuring tape. As a rule of thumb, try to place yourself close to the other person without intruding their personal space. This rule, however, can be difficult to follow around the globe, as massive cultural differences exist between some countries. For example, in Latin America and Asia—especially in India—people tend to keep less distance from each other.¹⁰ Therefore, it makes sense in these cultural circles to move a little closer to your conversation partner. Where personal space begins is a question of tact and sensitivity that plays a role in all of the techniques described throughout this book.

By the way, the question of the right distance comes down to a beautiful “win-win” situation: if you are 4–5 feet away from your interlocutor, then, lo and behold, he or she is also 4–5 feet away from you—neither of you is nervous or awkward due to proximity, and you will both look good!

Stand Properly, Sit Properly

In addition to knowing where to stand, it’s also imperative to know specifically how to stand, and also to sit, when trying to convey competence. One major rule that you most likely heard from your grandmother is that an upright posture works like a charm—she was right! Unlike some other body language discussed later, such poise applies to both men and women alike and influences perceived competence.¹¹ You may also recall your parents chiding you not to fidget—once again, they were right! Nervous, superfluous movements have a negative effect on a person’s perceived intelligence and thus on one’s perceived competence.

The ways in which men and women position themselves during a conversation do not always have the same effect. For example, when men speak to an individual or group of people, the angle at which they face their audience considerably influences their perceived competence—not so with women.¹² Generally speaking, men should stand facing their audience head on or slightly averted. They are perceived to be considerably more competent if there is a 30-degree angle between their own body alignment and that of their listeners. If you’re a man, you don’t have to walk around with a set square and compass—the rule of thumb here is quite simple: stand slightly at an angle to the person opposite you.

This basic rule should be observed in presentations and in conversations, but also when being photographed, especially for important photos in the professional context, such as an accompanying picture in a magazine article or the company’s website. This small turn is just a little something extra to create a considerable effect. However, for one reason or another, this angled body language does not translate into increased perceived competence for women.

To summarize, always stand calmly upright and, if you’re a man, make sure to position yourself at an optimum, 30-degree angle to the person opposite you.

In addition to the way you compose yourself while standing, how you sit also influences your appearance and sends a message to those around you. In a study investigating the effect of sitting on persuasiveness, researchers examined different styles of sitting, specifically looking at how relaxed a subject appeared—stiff and formal, for example, as compared to a more casual posture.¹³ A slightly relaxed posture was found to provide, by far, the most beneficial effect for men, whereas for women the slightly tense posture was proved more advantageous.

The slightly tense posture that makes women appear competent and confident has the following characteristics:

• leaning the body slightly forward, approximately at an angle of 10 degrees to the chair backrest

• keeping the back straight, without any tension

• resting feet flat on the floor

• positioning hands, arms, and legs symmetrically

The men’s slightly relaxed posture looks like this:

• tilting the body about 10 degrees forward

• making the body’s back visible but not strongly curved

• resting hands in an asymmetrical position on the lap (for example, one hand on the knee, the other on a thigh)

• tilting arms and legs slightly forward, with one foot always closer to the front than the other

Such a manual on how to sit may seem strange at first glance. Just try it out, it may come easy to you!

In addition to how you compose yourself while sitting, you can also increase your persuasiveness by placing yourself at the head of the table whenever possible.¹⁴

In a study on the power of seating placement, four test subjects argued over how much compensation an accident victim should be awarded, and they all came to a substantial average sum. A fifth person, who had been planted by the researchers, joined the group, chose to sit down at the head of the table, and argued in favor of a much lower sum. In light of the fifth person’s argument, the rest of the group also lowered their suggested compensation, reducing the total by almost 30 percent.

When researchers assigned chairs, however, the head seat did not exert a greater influence. The fifth person’s effectiveness was therefore caused not by merely sitting at the head of the table but by the fact that he had selected that very chair. What is even more astounding is that the process of choosing seats took barely five seconds, while the discussion lasted 40 minutes, showing that if you take the initiative—even for just that brief moment—to sit at the head of the table, you will be overwhelmed with positive associations. You appear independent, self-confident, and stable, and the rest of the people at the table even regard you as a leader.

But isn’t it somewhat rude or presumptuous to just snag the head seat? During the experiment, there was no evidence to indicate this, presumably because people simply underestimate the considerable importance of choosing a seat—they just don’t think much about it. Surely there are cultural differences. In countries where the seating arrangements are based on hierarchies that have to be strictly adhered to, one should exercise restraint. At a business dinner in Tokyo, for example, the most prominent seat—usually the head seat or the most comfortable one—is called kamiza. It is strictly reserved for the person with the highest status. Be careful about choosing the kamiza, as you could insult others—and end up getting the bill!

Eye Contact

Grigory Yefimovich Rasputin—a miracle healer, monk, mystic, and secret lover of Alexandra Feodorovna, the tsarina of Russia in the late 1800s and early 1900s—knew how to captivate people. There is hardly another historical figure surrounded by so many fascinating stories. One of many accounts about the cryptic “Strannik,” the mysterious pilgrim—as he was referred to—reads as follows:¹⁵

Rasputin took a step forward and stared at the people with his forehead frowned. Shivers came upon the men and women. It was as if he pierced them with his sparkling, hard, little eyes. He reached out his arm. “You there—you on the stool,” he commanded. “Come here!”

The fat little man looked horrified. “I can’t . . .” he stuttered. “I haven’t been able to stand for two years. The doctors say—they say the muscles of my back are paralyzed. Help me, Strannik! Help me! I will give you . . .”

Rasputin’s glowing eyes stared at the man. “Stand up,” he said. His voice was soft and hoarse. It was quiet in the small group. From far away, the noise of the market was heard. The man on the stool had turned pale as death. The sweat droplets were on his forehead. Slowly, staggeringly, he rose from his stool. He stood. He took a hesitant step—and then one more. A third one. And then he stood in front of Strannik, the miracle man—trembling, covered with sweat . . .

“A miracle,” whispered the young woman wearing the colorful headscarf and crossed herself. The little man was still standing in front of Rasputin. For a moment he swayed, then he stood still.

“You’re going home now!” he was told by Strannik. “You’ll go, and you won’t have any more pain in your back.”

A haggard woman fell to her knees. She kissed the miracle man’s hand. She whispered, “Thank you!”

Perhaps it was Rasputin’s clairvoyant powers that helped him anticipate the findings of modern psychology—eye contact plays a major role in communication. Frequent eye contact makes you appear stronger, which has a significant effect on your persuasive power and, in extreme cases, makes suggestions possible, such as the one just described. Research has also shown that eye contact actually influences perceived competence directly.¹⁶

But be careful: making eye contact while your interlocutor is speaking actually harms your perceived competence!¹⁷ Direct eye contact with the speaker is associated with a low status, possibly because it is interpreted as a submissive gesture—servants look at their masters while they take their commands. And yet, as a rule, we tend to look at our interlocutors when we listen and not when we ourselves speak.¹⁸ A balancing act develops here: you don’t want to appear rude by demonstratively looking away, but you also shouldn’t look at your conversation partner in a servile manner.

When thinking about eye contact, the so-called Nixon effect should also be taken into account. Named after the former US president Richard Nixon, who blinked dozens of times during his resignation speech after the Watergate scandal, the Nixon effect refers to excessive blinking, which is perceived as a sign of anxiousness and nervousness. It is therefore not surprising that in US presidential campaigns, the candidates who blink least usually win the election.¹⁹

To sum it all up, look your conversation partners in the eyes as often as possible when you are speaking, but not when you are listening to them. Also, don’t blink too much. To come back to Rasputin: he looked at the old man masterfully when he told him that he could walk. He didn’t blink or divert his attention but rather kept the man fully engaged, causing him to pull together all his strength and stand. But when the old man talked about his suffering, Rasputin turned his gaze away. In doing so, he maintained a position of superiority and awe—and thus became the miracle man we still talk about.

Smile Please?

Legendary defense attorney Gerry Spence relays his thoughts about smiling with the following:²⁰

Does it work? If you attend a cocktail party and look around, you will see nice smiles stamped on nearly all the faces. One thinks: “What a great time everyone must be having! And how nice everyone is!” Yet we know that the room is not filled with nice people but with a mix of bastards, fakes, wife beaters, child abusers, not to mention a few decent people. If you watch the couples walk from the party to their cars, you would see that they have now taken off their smile masks. Some are bitching about the party. Some are mad at their boyfriend for not having shown them enough attention or for having shown too much attention to someone else’s.

Is smiling really that bad?

Well, it is a complex matter, as the active research on this subject shows. On the one hand, you increase your own popularity and radiate motivation by smiling.²¹ Both are definitely conducive to making a good impression.

On the other hand, there are a number of disadvantages.²² Those who grin all the time are perceived as less intelligent. Frequent smiles are also associated with low social status: it isn’t the peer who is eager to please but the subordinate. Especially when smiling seems inappropriate, such as in an unpleasant situation—when you have missed a deadline or shipped the wrong goods—you run the risk of coming across as the cliché of a used-car dealer. A serious expression is not an immediate sign of competence, but in critical conversations it is at least a sign of higher status and dominance. The idea is quite similar to nodding: in itself, it appears likable, but if used too often or at the wrong time, nodding communicates a lower status and thus lower competence.²³

In women, the effect of a serious expression is even more pronounced. When a woman’s eyebrows are pulled down as in anger or displeasure and her head is slightly lowered, displaying an exceedingly serious impression, her perceived status is even further increased.²⁴

Constant smiling not only is strenuous but can also come across as out of place and even harmful. The important thing is not to succumb to the silly notion that we constantly have to grin. You should therefore smile when you feel like it—but only then.

In summary, permanent smiles are in no way appropriate, and a misplaced grin even has a negative effect on your perceived competence. As a woman, you can reinforce the effect of a serious expression with lowered eyebrows and lowered head to increase your social status and receive greater respect. But during appropriate moments, an authentic smile can have a positive effect and instill feelings of personal happiness to boot.

Body Contact

US president Lyndon B. Johnson was a master of the art of the tactical touch.²⁵ He is said to have squeezed his conversation partners’ knees or shoulders and even pounded his fingers on their stomachs in a way that put them at ease and ingratiated himself toward them.

Particularly today, you (and me, too) truly need a good sense of tact here—perhaps more than with any of the other techniques discussed in this chapter—since touching another person can appear inappropriate and could lead to a highly negative reaction.

However, we all have an innate need for human touch—even babies who do not get enough physical contact become anxious and restless. Doctors, for example, touch their patients to signal protection and care. Some psychologists consider touch to be the most important nonverbal signal of all.²⁶ Touching the person you’re speaking with not only increases your own status but also gives them a feeling of security, which, thanks to the halo effect, contributes directly to your perceived competence.

Try patting your conversation partners on their shoulder or place a hand on their upper arm while talking. We regular see this type of interaction when watching politicians meet. They often appear to be in a competition of who can touch whom more often.

If you feel uncomfortable in employing this technique, you can at least still use this knowledge on the one occasion when you have to touch another person for better or worse: the handshake. Make a habit of placing your free, left hand on the other person’s upper right arm to maximize touch at that moment. Again, we can learn from top politicians: take a look at the photos of political summits and the attendants’ high-contact handshakes, underpinning their authority and competence.

Height

When it comes to physical height’s influence on perceived competence, the research can more or less be summarized clearly and quickly: the bigger, the better.²⁷ This is especially the case for men.

Even in ancient Egypt, the higher men’s status, the taller they were depicted in pictures. It works both ways: the higher a person’s status, the taller others perceive him or her to be.²⁸ Students, for example, regularly estimate that their professors are taller than they actually are. And how amazed are people when they find out their favorite Hollywood star only measures five feet two?

In an experiment about how physical height affects perception, participants were presented with photographs of a man.²⁹ One group received a picture of him in which he appeared tall, while another group received one in which he appeared short. Indeed, participants looking at the photo in which the man appeared tall were much more likely to consider him a leader. Taller men are perceived as dominant and healthier, probably a result dating back to prehistoric times and Charles Darwin’s theory of natural selection. This effect is more pronounced in men than women. Due to the halo effect, this perception translates to other factors such as competence.³⁰

In fact, taller men are privileged in almost all walks of life.³¹ For example, men over six feet (1.83 meters) receive a 12 percent higher starting salary than those who are shorter than six feet.³² The data on all US presidential elections show that taller candidates received significantly more popular votes and had a higher chance to be reelected.³³ Height has even increased in significance, since presidential campaigns now take place mainly on television, where body height is quite obvious. It is therefore hardly surprising that shorter candidates’ campaign teams usually go out of their way to cover up the difference in size between their candidates and their opponents.

If you don’t happen to be taller than average, you may be thinking this information is all fine and well (or not), but how can you benefit from knowing it? Luckily, you don’t have to stretch yourself out on the rack—the perception of size can be manipulated to increase your perceived competence.

First of all, only a few inches decide whether people see you as tall or short: a five feet ten (1.79 meters) man is considered to be rather short, while one who is only a few inches taller (that is, six feet) appears rather tall.³⁴ Every inch counts! Shoes with heels, for example, can unobtrusively increase your height by up to 4 inches (10 centimeters). There even are shoes that come with invisible heels or lifts, so no one can tell that you’re “boosting.” You may think wearing such footwear is preposterous or vain, but in reality it is an astute calculation. Another option, if you work behind a sales counter, for example, is to simply add height to the floor where you regularly stand. Pinstripes and a uniformly colored suit, which does not visually divide the body into two halves, also make you look taller.

However, it may also suffice to adopt the optimal posture. You can gain a few inches with a mere upright posture. Try the following: Stand with your back against a wall and press completely against it so that not even a sheet of paper fits between you and the wall. If you then take a step forward, you will feel somewhat stiff at first—you have now reached your maximum height. Never forget that a few inches make the difference. Before important conversations, you should get used to taking this detour by the next wall, as it only takes a few seconds. Just make sure that it’s not just a whitewashed wall that will rub off on your entire back—I’m talking from experience.

It is also important to act tactically, depending on the situation. If the people around you are shorter than you, remain standing as long as possible: try to perform any introductions or initial conversations while everyone is standing and get everyone to remain standing as long as possible. Position yourself as close to them as you can to emphasize the difference in your height, especially if you are in a meeting or at an event with competitors. When you are around taller people, however, make sure not to be in their immediate vicinity in order to avoid direct comparison. Then try to get everyone to sit. When you take your seat, maybe even place a pillow down first. You can also always offer your partner the comfortable, but low, sofa while you sit on the hard, but high, chair. Or you can attempt to be the only person standing in a room of seated people, as long as it doesn’t come off as awkward. Regardless of how you approach the given situation, once you are literally towering over everyone else in the room, you will notice how much more convincing you seem.³⁵

Enthusiasm

The effect of nonverbal communication has rarely been illustrated in such an astonishing way as it was in the “Dr. Fox experiment.”³⁶ Psychologists sent an actor to give a lecture at an education conference. They presented him as “Dr. Myron L. Fox,” created an impressive biography for him, and gave his lecture the promising title “Mathematical Game Theory as Applied to Physician Education.” Though the actor knew nothing about his lecture’s subject matter, his talk went on for an hour. The audience, which included psychologists, psychiatrists, and social workers, stayed for the entire presentation. Was the content of the speech that great? Not at all—according to the authors, the material consisted of “an excessive use of double talk, neologisms, non sequiturs, and contradictory statements.” And yet, the audience of experts gave the presentation an overwhelmingly positive rating. Not a single listener noticed that what the actor said during the lecture was pure nonsense.

Though the manufactured doctoral degree and an impressive CV certainly played a role in the audience’s buying into the presentation, it was found that the actor’s enthusiastic body language made the decisive difference. When “Dr. Fox” received high evaluations he was full of enthusiasm, expressed through his lively body language. But when he presented the same speech to a different but similarly composed audience in a motionless and monotonous way, his evaluations dropped sharply.

A similar study, in which a professor taught the same course twice, once enthusiastically and once somberly, also found that the enthusiastic appearance had a more positive effect—even though the content was absolutely identical.³⁷ I have personally observed these results when giving presentations. If I limit my movements and focus solely on the content, it is much harder to reach and connect with the audience.

To infuse enthusiasm into your talks or speeches—whether during a presentation or product launch—keep moving, instead of allowing the lecture to degenerate into a dialogue with the first row. Try to get a good feel for the entire room so your behavior can adapt to the audience’s expectations and emotions. Instead of constantly looking in the same direction or at the same people in the crowd, make sure to look around, selecting different individuals or areas in the room. Your facial expression as you speak to the audience should also match your words—you want people to read in your face the emotion you’re trying to express.

It is also important to gesticulate with your hands, not in a choreographed way but spontaneously and in harmony with the content you’re discussing. You can also take a lesson from former US president Barack Obama: even when sitting behind his desk reading from the teleprompter, he would address all those present through many cameras from different angles, making an animated, lively, and thus enthusiastic impression on the viewers.

Whether you’re speaking to a large audience or small one, using a teleprompter or no technology at all, or presenting material you’re familiar with or content that you’ve never even heard of before, it is good advice to stick with what acting coach Hal Persons preached to generations of students: Imagine that you are a lightbulb, pressing energy up through your body and into your head. Let that light turn on.

Conclusion

Imagine this: You want to get your finances in order at the end of the year before the dreaded tax season, so you head to a financial adviser a friend recommended for some guidance. He welcomes you into his office, where you sit in a chair about two feet away from him. When he speaks to you, he looks you straight in the eye. You ask him a question, and he thoughtfully turns his gaze away. Although he is friendly, when push comes to shove, he puts on a serious face. When he gets up, he stands at a slight angle from you, and when you tell him about your greatest worries concerning your financial situation, he puts his hand on your shoulder while giving you advice. When he invites you to a meeting of other clients, he seems to tower over everyone else in the room, places himself at the head of the table, and sits there looking relaxed. However, when he talks about his work, he is full of enthusiasm and verve. Wouldn’t you feel great about him?

As you can see, all of these techniques can be implemented easily without changing your personality. And yet these nuances have a considerable influence on the perception of your person and therefore your competence.

One final note on the subject: You may have heard of the 55/38/7 formula, which goes back to a study by the Armenian American psychologist Albert Mehrabian.³⁸ In the 1960s, Mehrabian studied the effects of nonverbal communication. In one study, he filmed students speaking in different ways: emotionally positive, negative, or neutral. Afterward, test subjects who viewed this footage indicated how likable they thought the people were on the film. The actual words spoken played hardly any role in the viewers’ impressions. Much more important for the evaluation were the people’s voices and facial expressions. From this experiment, Mehrabian developed the following “formula”:

Total Liking = 7% Verbal Liking + 38% Vocal Liking + 55% Facial Liking

Since then, there has hardly been a book or training seminar on body language that does not depict this formula as if it were carved in stone—after all, it catapults body language to the top of the Mount Olympus of significance. Mehrabian, however, was surprised by the spread of his formula, which he limits to the specific context of his investigation.³⁹ So even though body language is essential indeed, it is only one of several steps on your road to perceived competence.