I made a couple of last phone calls then stood up to stretch, glad to be done with work for a while. I had a big trip ahead of me this morning. My sister, Sammy, was getting married to a country boy from a little town that sits on the Victoria–New South Wales border called Tocumwal. The wedding would be held in his hometown, and quite a number of the guests would be making the four-hour drive up the Hume Highway from Melbourne for the celebration.

I was looking forward to getting away, and to the drive. It seemed like a long time since I had made a big road trip, and I was excited by the prospect. If I left in the next half hour, I should arrive in good time for lunch. I was meeting Sammy at 1 o’clock. The weather was tipped to be perfect, with clear skies and 27 degrees. I could relax and enjoy the fresh air, the scenery and the open road.

The trip through rural Victoria was spectacular. Big open spaces, the changing landscape burnished by the morning sunlight, majestic gum trees swaying in the wind. You would be hard pressed to find scenery more resonant of country Australia.

The last few kilometres of winding road told me the New South Wales border was only moments away. The feeling of exhilarating freedom and the temptation to accelerate through the curves were tempered by the sad clutches of dusty flowers and crosses on the side of the road marking where tragedy had struck. Sobering thoughts to check my excitement.

Finally the sign, ‘Welcome to New South Wales’, and I began to climb over the bridge. I glanced to my left towards the old railway bridge. Originally opened in 1895, the iron bridge has long been a landmark for this country stop on the magnificent Murray River.

I had arrived.

The little river town of Tocumwal is known to tourists for waterskiing, fishing for the famous Murray cod and a notable 36-hole golf course. Sammy had told me how much she loved it here. She had given me clear instructions. I was to meet her at the pub for a drink and a briefing on the weekend’s events. The wedding would be the next afternoon, but she wanted us to spend some time together before the big event.

The pub wasn’t hard to find. The Terminus Hotel is an imposing double-storey brick Victorian building with ornate wraparound verandas, loaded with local history. A few of the locals were enjoying a beer at the bar, but no Sammy. I wandered through the pub and took a few moments to study the photographs from the early 20th century. Those were tougher times and the sepia images showed the hard men who had carved out a living on the river.

I followed the sign to the beer garden, where I found her sitting quietly by herself, scanning her phone.

‘Sammy!’ I opened my arms and drew her into a hug. ‘How are you?’

‘So good, Noah! It’s great to see you. How was your trip?’

‘Beautiful. Nothing like a country drive, is there? You know this though, don’t you, marrying a country boy!’

‘Thanks so much for coming up. It means the world to me that you’ll be walking me down the aisle.’ Sammy hugged me again. ‘Welcome to Tocumwal, big brother! Let me go and buy you a drink. What would you like?’

‘Cold beer on a hot day would be perfect.’

I watched her walk into the old pub. She looked great, fitter than I’d ever seen her. I knew she was planning on running a half marathon at the end of the year.

She strolled back into the sun-soaked garden with a cold schooner and a soda water with lime. She sat down and we raised glasses.

‘Here’s to you,’ I said as our glasses clinked together. ‘Feeling ready for all this? No second thoughts?’

‘None. I’m so happy, Noah. Max is such a great guy. You know, I’ve struggled with all this relationship stuff for a long time. I am so glad I have this guy in my life.’ Her smile was patently sincere and joyful.

‘So I have to ask you, Sammy, what’s the secret to the big turnaround? Marriage! You look great. I hear you’re killing it at work. Is that true? Work is good?’

Sammy again flashed her beautiful smile. ‘You know, Noah, it really has all come together. I mean, I used to worry about everything. It was really self-destructive. I’m sure it cost me business, cost me money. Ultimately it probably cost me relationships too. All that’s changed.’

‘That’s awesome! Don’t be too hard on yourself, though. I mean we all get anxious, stressed. We all worry.’

‘I know we do, Noah.’ She looked thoughtful for a moment. ‘But then I came across this idea, and it just seemed to wipe out all that anxiety and noise in my head.’

‘Hit me with it. What’s this great idea?’

‘Have a strategy for the stumbling blocks.’

‘Stumbling blocks,’ I echoed. ‘Sounds right. Tell me about it?’

‘Well, it’s like this. I had this pattern of self-talk that would constantly trip me up. First of all, I would worry about everything that might go wrong. And when things did go wrong I would obsess about it. I was completely attached to the outcome of every single thing that happened to me, and I would self-sabotage and feel guilty when things didn’t turn out perfectly.

‘Then a friend of mine shared with me this idea about focusing on a strategy around stumbling blocks. It’s actually the opposite of what so many people say. They say you have to avoid thinking about the problems and just focus on the goal. But I knew it was the stumbling blocks that kept tripping me up, preventing me from achieving my goals. It became very useful for me to have a strategy for dealing with the things that were holding me back.

‘Let me give you an example. Let’s take a goal like losing weight. Why do most people fail to achieve the dietary goals they set themselves?’

‘Well, it’s hard. Food is good!’

‘Sure is. Okay, so let’s say just for fun that you want to quit eating chocolate. The first thing you have to do is identify the why. Why do you want to quit this thing that’s not working in your life? Once you’ve done that, then you have to focus on the stumbling block that’s preventing you from achieving this goal and decide on a strategy. You need a strategy for that moment when you are going to be most tempted to eat chocolate.

‘That’s important. Anyone can set this goal first thing in the morning. But that’s not when people typically want chocolate. You have to prepare for when it’s going to be really challenging for you. For most people, that’s probably 9:30 at night with a cup of tea. That’s going to be the moment when Mr Toblerone begins calling you from the refrigerator!’

‘I love Toblerone.’

‘We all love Toblerone, Noah. Stick with me on this.’ She smiled and took a sip of her soda water.

‘This is what my friend shared with me: The key to accomplishing a goal is being prepared for all the things that are going to stop you. In a way, it may sound counter-intuitive. You have to plan for the bad things that could get in your way. Focus on your goal, but also have a plan to deal with the stumbling blocks. So with chocolate, have a plan for 9:30 at night. The plan itself is very simple. I call it the “when, then” plan. When that happens, then what are you going to do? When Mr Toblerone starts calling you, then what actions are you going to take?’

‘Eat a carrot, I guess,’ I replied glumly.

‘Right! Now, I know carrots are not as great as chocolate, but if you’ve set a goal to lose weight, it might be a good strategy. It’s the same with running. I used to exercise when it suited me. I never really had a plan. I would just fit it in when I had a little free time. So I applied the strategy to my running. “Why am I doing this? Focus on the stumbling block. When, then.” I was clear about why I wanted to start running, but I also knew how tempting it was to switch off the alarm and go back to sleep, because sometimes it’s hard to get out of bed.’

‘Almost impossible on a cold winter morning in Melbourne,’ I agreed.

‘Okay then, let’s stay with running. You know why you wanted to start running. Anyone can go for a run on a beautiful summer morning. It’s that cold, wet morning you need a strategy for. When, then. When it’s cold and raining, then I am going to put my alarm on the other side of the bedroom with my running shoes directly beneath it. Strategy. Planning. But the most important thing is I’m planning for the stumbling block.’

‘I like it, Sammy. So it was this planning for stumbling blocks that took away your anxiety?’

‘Yeah. At first when my friend took me through this, thinking about the stumbling blocks made me worry even more. Again I was thinking about all the things that could go wrong. But then an amazing thing happened: once I had a plan for every challenge, my stress levels went down. I mean, when you are properly prepared for something there really isn’t any reason to stress on it. Preparation eliminates most of the stress.’

‘I can see that,’ I said. ‘I mean, if you look at an actor or a musician, if they are completely prepared, then it’s really just about the performance. The stress would come if they didn’t know their lines or didn’t know the song.’

‘So then, big brother, I discovered the greatest thing of all.’

‘Hit me,’ I smiled.

‘I became more detached from the outcome. I was prepared for what might go wrong, and I had a strategy for dealing with it. That way I would know I had done the best I could. I used to get myself tied up in knots over every little thing. Now I think, we’ll see. It won’t do me any good to worry about things that aren’t real or that I can’t control. What will happen, will happen. It’s the same with this wedding. The old me would have been worried about everything that might go wrong. Not now. I’m just excited about it. We’ve planned the best we can. We’ve even thought about getting around any unexpected stumbling blocks. Now we’ve done that, I sort of think, well, what will be, will be.’

As I was listening to her, I realised how much I needed to hear this today from Sammy. I have been so stressed at work lately, worried about the little things and not focused on what really matters. When she talked about the importance of understanding why we do things, it really resonated with me. I really didn’t have a series of clear goals in my life. I was winging it from day to day. The truth was that in all those areas that Sammy was succeeding in, I wasn’t at all happy in my own life.

‘When I was more detached from the outcome of every situation,’ she went on, ‘I found I didn’t need everything to be perfect. I had been running around vainly trying to be perfect at everything and just worrying and feeling guilty. I wasn’t actually getting the job done. But now I don’t need everything to be perfect. I really do believe trying to be perfect gets in the way of an outstanding life.’

‘Wow.’ I gazed at my beautiful sister as she spoke with such clarity about her new view of the world. ‘I’m proud of you. I need to think about all this, though it has obviously really worked for you.’

‘It has. And yes, it’s been great with my job too,’ she said. ‘It was really all about cutting out all the noise of self-doubt and self-talk that simply wasn’t useful.’

We took a breath, and I became thoughtful. My experience with simple formulas and motivational mottos had been less than successful. And if I’m honest, I have to admit that I felt a little jealous. The cynical part of me probably wanted to scoff at all this. But it’s hard to argue with results. What struck me most was how calm Sammy seemed. Knowing how difficult the past few years had been for her, that’s what really blew me away. She was so calm.

‘I love all this and love what you are doing,’ I began. ‘There’s really so many reasons for celebration. Listening to you, Sammy, I realise I’ve got to pull myself together. But … I mean, of course everyone would love some simple tip that would change everything. I just think I have really sort of given up hope of ever finding such a solution. There haven’t been any silver bullets in my life. I would love to think I could stumble on some idea that would make me happier. I have done all the things that are supposed to make your life better. I’ve read all the books, listened to the podcasts. In the end, when none of the promises delivered a result, I found that they all left me feeling a little empty.’

‘I think you’re missing the purpose,’ she said. ‘You’re missing the why. Why do you do what you do?’

‘Sammy,’ I persisted, ‘you know the sort of guy I am. I’m very practical. I manage a sales team. I’ve been to all of those seminars, and I can tell you I’ve rarely seen lasting change come out of a bunch of rah-rah. My team would go to these seminars and come back really fired up. The energy and motivation would last for a couple of days and then everyone would revert to the way they were before.’

‘I hear you, Noah,’ she said. ‘I don’t want to agree with you, but in the past I’ve had the same experience. I think most people go to a seminar and take lots of notes that end up filed away and forgotten. But a couple of things were different this time for me.’

‘Go on.’

‘First of all, I realised something. The things I had done in my life that I was most proud of were hard. They took a lot of work. Second, I recognised that I was living well within my comfort zone, and no one has ever achieved anything they are really proud of without breaking out of their comfort zone. Then, most of all, I realised that I feel most alive when I’m having a go at something, when I’m focused on work or training to run or throwing myself into this relationship. And I love feeling alive!’

That was it. I knew she had hit it on the head. I wasn’t pushing myself, so I wasn’t feeling alive. I was consumed by the noise.

‘You know what,’ Sammy continued, ‘I read this article about the human brain and how its purpose is to protect us. For hundreds of thousands of years, our brain has tried to keep us safe, to keep us in our comfort zone.’

‘I’m sure that’s true, but it did mean we didn’t get eaten by crocodiles!’

She laughed. ‘I know, but for me it was important to tell my brain that I wanted to be alive. I wanted to be put in situations where I would push myself. In the past, those situations would only have made me worry and feel anxious. But now I’m embracing these feelings. I’m aware of how I feel. I plan for the stumbling blocks that might come up and I cut out all the noise in my head. I want to stay a little detached. Let’s see what happens, and no matter what happens it will be okay!’

‘You’re right,’ I said. ‘I certainly need to get rid of some of the noise inside my head. And I think there’s more noise when I stay inside my comfort zone. My goodness, Sammy! That may be enough analysis for one day. Congratulations!’

She smiled and once again we tapped glasses. She had given me a lot to think about.

‘Okay, so what’s the plan from here?’

‘Get yourself settled in, then tonight is the barbecue on the river. You’ll love it. It will be so much fun. I’m excited for you to get to know Max. He’s a great guy.’

‘I can’t wait. He’s a lucky man, Sammy.’

* * *

The barbecue went off perfectly. Family and friends gathered to enjoy the warm early autumn evening and celebrate the occasion. I had a chance to meet Max’s parents, who were good country people, farmers who worked and loved the land along the Murray River. Conversation and laughter flowed easily.

Most amazing to me was how the colour of the river kept changing, the reflections of the trees and the orange hues of the sunset making this ever-changing canvas almost impossible to look away from.

The one person I hadn’t had a chance to catch up with yet was Max. As the night wore on, he was deeply absorbed in conversations with his family and childhood friends. Dinner was long over when I found Max staring out over the water. Max was tall and carried himself like someone who knew where he was going yet was not necessarily in a hurry to get there. I think Sammy liked that about him. He brought calm into her world.

‘Max,’ I interrupted his thoughts, ‘I’m sorry we haven’t had a chance to talk. What a great group of people! Beautiful family. Fine friends. Everyone has made me feel welcome. Thanks for that, mate.’

‘Of course, Noah. We’re family now.’

So our conversation began. He talked about growing up on the farm, lessons it taught him and what his childhood had been like, referencing many of the people who were with us here by the river. I was struck by his manner. He really did seem like he was very happy to be here, in the moment, talking with me. His speech was slow, steady and congruent. He was very impressive. With all that talk with Sammy about planning, stumbling blocks and living outside our comfort zone, I couldn’t help but be curious about what made Max tick.

‘Max, can I ask you a personal question?’

‘Sure. I am about to marry your sister, after all.’

‘You seem very deliberate. Like you know what you are doing in every moment. I don’t think I feel that way a lot of the time. I think often I’m just reacting to what’s going on around me … What’s your secret?’

‘Secret?’ He laughed. ‘I don’t think there’s a secret.’

‘Well, this may be too personal, but you seem like such a present person, not distracted at all. Do you actively remind yourself to be present?’

He leaned back and took a drink. With a little smile playing at the corner of his mouth he replied, ‘Well Noah, I’ve always thought about it like this. I believe everything we do in our lives is for one of three reasons: love, money or accomplishment.’

I was surprised his answer was actually that clear.

‘Tonight, for example, is about love. I love everyone here. So, I don’t have any attachment to an outcome for tonight. I just want to spend time with these people. I frame up tonight in the “Love” category. It’s about having fun. I don’t need to win anything or be anything I’m not. Just enjoy the company.’

‘Wow,’ I said. ‘That is a really cool frame for tonight. I don’t think I’ve ever walked into a social setting with this level of clarity.’

‘Well mate, every situation is different. Earlier in the week I was at work and I’ll be honest, I had to do some things as part of my job that I don’t like to do. We had made some mistakes and the paperwork was ridiculous. But it had to be done. I didn’t need to love it. So what I do is I frame that up in the “Money” category, and that helps me. I see a lot of young people today who think they need to love every minute of their life. If you frame everything up as love, then you become a little frenetic about constantly needing to find joy in every moment. Not everything has to be fun. Not everything has to give us joy. This was work. It’s what I do for money, so I frame it up like that.’

I had never heard someone break it down quite like this before. Max had a way of delivering his thoughts so you found yourself hanging on every word.

‘Sometimes,’ he went on, ‘I’ll do something that I don’t particularly love and that doesn’t make me money. I may help a mate build a new fence, for example. Now hopefully we can have some fun doing it, but that’s not the outcome. The frame is accomplishment. We’ve got a task in front of us. We need to do it. So I put it in the “Accomplishment” frame. When I frame it up like that, I don’t get upset if it ends up not being fun. Also, I certainly don’t want money for it. I want to help my mate. It’s just about the accomplishment’.

‘That’s awesome,’ I said. ‘Love, money and accomplishment. So simple.’

‘Keeps me focused on what I’m trying to do.’

‘Max,’ I said. ‘So great to talk with you. I think you’re a lucky man marrying my sister, but she’s pretty lucky too.’

I had a few more casual conversations and tried to focus on the ‘Love’ frame for those conversations. When you frame up a party conversation as love, it’s amazing how easily it flows without your needing to try to impress the other person. The conversation just happens.

With my mind whirling with new ideas I decided to take a little walk along the river. The vibrant colours of sunset had been succeeded by dancing moonlight, shimmering on the fast-flowing water. What a day it had been! Sammy had taught me about understanding the importance of knowing why you want to do something, eliminating stress and worry by focusing on the stumbling blocks, and having a plan. She had also challenged me on the danger of staying inside my comfort zone, and how truly alive we feel when we are pushing towards something special.

I wondered, what would I start doing and stop doing to make this the best year of my life? What would make me, 12 months from now, feel proud of what I had done? It was clear to me that I would need to move outside my comfort zone.

Then that great conversation with Max, who framed up the activities in his life in terms of love, money or accomplishment. I thought this was an incredibly powerful idea. And he had a great point about work. Not everything has to be fun; sometimes it just has to be done.

The next couple of days were amazing. I walked Sammy down the aisle and she and Max rode off into the sunset together. It was quite a moment. The weather was glorious and Sammy smiled all afternoon long. It was perfect.

As for me, I framed it all up in the ‘Love’ category. Pure joy.

* * *

Sammy and Max taught me about cutting out the noise of life, and that’s just what I have done. I had so often brought up work topics in social settings that should be reserved for love, rambling on about my job at a dinner party to the discreet boredom of my friends. I definitely made the mistake of obsessing about how a task is not fun when it simply needs to be done, to be finished. It was seriously important for me to be reminded that not everything has to be fun. From now on, I am going to be framing up all the activities in my life. This will help me to be absolutely clear on what I want to achieve. Then I’ll just enjoy each moment without being attached to the outcome.