Bringing it all together

This is an amazing time to be alive. It really is. Many of our elders remember life before television, while the younger generation has never known a world without instant connection through computer, tablet and phone. You can publish a version of yourself and put out your ideas on a live feed. This is exciting new territory!

At the same time, in our hyper-connected world there is so much to pay attention to. You can easily spend your entire day absorbed in videos on the internet or lost in social media. We are bombarded with every kind of information. Some of it is useful, well worth our paying attention to, while some of it is merely distracting and even a bit soul destroying if we let it be.

My goal in writing this book is to help readers work out what is important to them and to gain greater focus on how to spend their time in order to live more effectively. There is so much to look at and take in that it is vitally important to decide where to focus your attention!

One night recently I sat on a beach and marvelled at the force of the ocean as the waves crashed together. The thundering power of it always makes me reflect on how far that water has travelled before this wave reaches its destination. As I gazed up at a clear sky filled with shimmering starlight, I thought about how these natural forces are almost impossible to wrap your mind around.

It is so easy for us to miss the things in the world that are beautiful and important. It is a pretty cool thing that there are the right amounts of oxygen and gravity and all the other resources and forces that support our life on this planet. And what a planet! Think of the sunsets, sunrises, beaches, mountains, oceans, rivers, lakes, wildlife and forests, the turning of the seasons over thousands of years. It is truly awe-inspiring.

A sense of awe about the world is key to our humanity. The experience of being caught up in something bigger than ourselves gives a frame to our lives. It fills our lives with curiosity and joy. It is about the wonder of being human.

Our opportunities, and expectations, have never been greater. In this book I have introduced 10 steps that will help you to make the best of these opportunities.

My goal is to liberate you from the need to be perfect and from feelings of guilt when you fail to meet unreasonable expectations — and in this way to help you live a happier, healthier and more effective life. Here, in summary, are my 10 tools to ‘cut the noise’. Think about these different tools and take away what resonates with you.

Perfection is not possible

We all strive to be perfect, and inevitably we fail to achieve that objective. In a hyper-connected world we broadcast the best version of ourselves for all to see. Be careful not to let that affect how you see yourself. The most important words you say are the words you say to yourself about yourself when you are by yourself. Most people are cruel in those moments.

This is about conscious awareness. The need for affirmation and the temptation to compare your life to others’ is dangerous. Enjoy social media, but don’t tie your sense of self-worth up in it. We are all out there doing the best we can. Trying to be perfect can consume us and get in the way of living an outstanding life.

10 seconds of guilt … move on!

You can’t be all things to all people. Do the best you can and remember you are human. We all make mistakes. We all say stupid stuff. Be conscious of the feeling of guilt, but don’t let it overwhelm you. Give it 10 seconds, then move on.

Recently I was presenting in Adelaide and had a conference call with a company in Sydney scheduled for 9:00 am. At 8:15 I ducked down to the hotel restaurant for breakfast, leaving my phone on charge in my room. At 8:50 I walked back up to my room. Of course I had four missed calls, and only then remembered that 9:00 am in Adelaide is 9:30 in Sydney. I had missed the appointment. I called the client to apologise. She was great about my forgetting about the time change. I felt bad though, because there were four people on that call. It was an honest mistake and my intent was not bad. I hung up the phone, took a deep breath. There was nothing I could do about it — 10 seconds of guilt … move on.

Circles of importance

Think about what activities and groups of people take up your time and identify your circles of importance. For most people there are six main areas in their lives that are really important. They will usually include family, work, friends, health, community and personal time. Put a circle around each of these groups. It is important to prioritise time for each circle, and also to determine which circle should have priority when the circles intersect, as they will.

Now think about the activities and people in your life that take up your time but don’t fit in these circles. When faced with these time demands it is sometimes important to say no. We often get sucked into doing things that do not contribute to our circles of importance. Say no, and then, of course … 10 seconds of guilt!

Accelerated focus

Once you have identified a task that falls within your circles of importance, use accelerated focus to dial in and be fully present to work on that task. Studies show that people are more effective when they are focused on one thing than when they are trying to multi-task and achieve little focus.

The key to accelerated focus is being conscious of what the purpose of the task is. For a salesperson, for example, it may be prospecting. When you are attacking that prospect list, focus only on that and be consumed by it within the time frame you have decided on. If it is exercise, focus and be truly present throughout your workout to maximise your results. If it is spending time with your family, connect and be present with them without distraction.

Purpose

Knowing your purpose in everything you do will reduce or even eliminate the guilt. The story about my mom and her part in Operation Babylift in Vietnam illustrates this perfectly. Once she reconnected to her purpose, to why she was doing this in the first place, her guilt and fear evaporated.

Sometimes it is important to stop for a beat and think about why we are doing what we are doing. What drove us to do this to begin with? Is this activity serving our greater purpose? Sometimes, despite our accelerated focus on something within our circle of importance, we find we are actually focused on something that does not best serve that circle. We need to check back on our purpose every now and then.

Focus on the stumbling blocks

At my conferences people get excited by the new ideas I present to them. They write down all the goals and new behaviours they fully intend to put into action when they get back to the office. Often, though, they find that once in the flow of work again, they fall back into the same old routines, and those new goals and action lists are filed away in the saddest, loneliest place in the office — the repository of unactioned, unrealised conference notes, their yellowing pages ignored forever! It is one of the great frustrations of my work as a professional speaker.

To successfully create new habits or take effective action in goal setting, it is important first to focus on the stumbling blocks that may hold you back. It sounds counter-intuitive to focus on the negative, but studies show that people are more successful when they have a strategy for dealing with what might get in their way and block their progress.

It is easy to set a goal to go running on a beautiful sunny morning. It is the rainy day, when you are tempted to stay in bed, that you have to strategise for. Use a ‘when, then’ strategy: ‘When it is likely to be raining in the morning, then I will put my alarm on the other side of the room and place my running shoes beneath it’. It is a simple preparation strategy to tackle the stumbling block so we do not fall back on our impulse to make a decision that does not support our goals. What are the stumbling blocks in your life? What holds you back at work? What are the distractions? Create a ‘when, then’ strategy to help you stay on target.

Frame it up — love, money and accomplishment

One of the downsides of living in a world that values instant gratification is that it becomes harder to do difficult tasks that aren’t ‘fun’. Recent studies indicate that many young people at work are convinced they can make a massive difference in the world within a short time frame. They have high expectations, believing they will progress quickly through the organisation and be rewarded handsomely for their efforts.

The problem, of course, is that when this doesn’t happen they can become disillusioned. Menial tasks are not fun, and they believe they should be doing bigger and better things.

This is a tool to help with that. First, you need to recognise that not everything will be fun. This technique will help improve your accelerated focus on tasks that are not necessarily enjoyable. Most tasks can be classified into one of three frames: love, money and accomplishment. If the task is fun (family, friends, health, personal time), then it is about love. Enjoy it! If the task is about making money (work), it doesn’t have to be fun. Ensure your accelerated focus is on the task at hand and why you are doing it (to earn money).

Sometimes a task is neither fun nor profitable, but it still needs to be done. Think of cleaning the refrigerator! Set your objective and roll up your sleeves. Not everything has to be enjoyable. We complain most when we think something should be fun but it’s not. Set realistic expectations. There is a sense of accomplishment in finishing any task and doing it well.

Don’t get too attached to the outcome

This does not mean we are not committed to the outcome. I will set myself targets and will do everything in my power to achieve them. In my experience, however, sometimes the best ideas, results and adaptations happen when I am not too attached to the outcome. Once I’ve completed the preparation and execution to the best of my ability, then, as my five-year-old son said, ‘We’ll see what we see’.

Not everything will go according to plan. Sometimes you meet someone who changes your view of what is important. Sometimes you become aware of better ideas that lead you down a different path. Sometimes it’s just about enjoying yourself and realising that your original goal is no longer important. When you hold on too tight, you miss the enjoyment of what is actually happening. Just because it didn’t finish the way you expected, it does not mean it’s not better.

Which doesn’t mean we don’t set expectations. Executing a plan requires clear focus, vision and tenacity. It’s like going for a hike. You head off down a track, and you are sure it is the route you intended to follow. But sometimes the track will fork, and some of the greatest adventures happen when you make an educated guess and turn off the beaten track.

Useful belief

It is important to make sure your belief systems support what you are trying to do. Ask yourself questions such as, ‘What is the most useful thing to believe about this situation?’ and ‘What is the most useful thing I can do today to get me closer to where I want to be?’

Positive thinking doesn’t work. The studies show that if you lie in bed in the morning and say to yourself, ‘C’mon, just be positive today. You can do it!’, when 10 o’clock rolls around and you can’t sustain that positivity you actually feel worse about yourself than when you started. Useful belief is pragmatic. It’s practical. What are useful things to believe that support your goals? What useful actions can you take?

Core beliefs and identity

Think about the core beliefs that shape your life. What you truly believe in will drive your behaviour. Use your core beliefs to help you filter out all the external noise. It is so important to cut out the negative self-talk about your identity and get clear about what you want your identity to be. There are so many great words you can use to describe you: happy, joyful, friendly, enthusiastic, talented, attractive. There are also so many possible negative interpretations. It’s easy to pick out the bad stuff if you want to.

What is useful for you to believe in? What is at the core of who you are as a human being? Clarity about who you are and what you represent will guide you through the tough decisions in your life. Remember, your identity will direct your behaviour. With an identity that serves you, the results can be amazing.

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I hope you have enjoyed this book. I have deliberately presented these ideas in a simple, accessible form. I wanted to create a short book that could be picked up and read in one sitting — a quick experience, but one that leaves a lasting impression.

Finally, this book is about helping you to be kind to yourself on this journey called life. It is about being fully conscious and aware in your life, and working out how to make the most of the time you have. Communicate with yourself in a way that is kind. It is useful to be your own greatest friend. You will make mistakes — everyone does. That does not mean you have to beat yourself up about it for the rest of your life. That would not be useful.