15
The Maybe Person

The deadline was rapidly approaching. A decision had to be made and it had to be made fast. There had never been this many marketing plans to choose from before, and it seemed that everyone who had thought of an idea had a vested interest. The pressure was incredible. The chief called in his staff of advisers. “What’s the word out there, Ted?” he asked.

“Hard to say, chief. Some say make the change, some say stay the course.”

“And what do you say?”

“Whichever way you want to go.”

“That’s all well and good, but I need your advice as well as your support.”

“Well, sir, it’s hard to say at this time. It could go either way.”

“I know that. I’m asking for your opinions. Bill, where do you stand on this issue?”

“Uh, let me think about it and get back to you later, sir.”

“I need a decision now. Mary, do you think the new plan will work?”

“Maybe.”

The chief threw up his hands, and muttered dejectedly: “Thanks. That’ll be all.” As they filed out of the room, he shook his head. “Am I the only one I can count on around here for an honest opinion?”

Decisive people know that every decision has an upside and a downside. They develop the habit of making their best decision, and dealing with negative outcomes as they occur. When people become Maybe People, however, they can’t see their way clear to the best decision because the downside of each option blinds them. They have numerous reasons for not seeking help, from not wanting to bother anyone to not wanting to upset anyone to not wanting to be the cause of anything going wrong. So they procrastinate and put it off, hoping an even better choice will present itself. Unfortunately, with most decisions there comes a point when it is too late to decide, and the decision makes itself.

You Better Adjust Your Attitude

Irritation with indecisive people is completely understandable and completely ineffective. Impatience with procrastination creates static, and static makes a tough decision even tougher. Anger puts the kiss of death on the decision-making process. If you try to push your Maybe Person into a decision, he or she will push against your efforts with more doubts. If you try to drag your Maybe Person into a decision, he or she will pull back from it by stalling. So when you’re angry or impatient, you had better deal with those feelings before you deal with your difficult person.

You’ll need personal warmth, sensitivity to the feelings of another, patience, and the desire to help. Warmth is necessary, because it helps the Maybe Person to trust you enough to relax and think clearly. Sensitivity is necessary, because without that, you could lose trust in an instant, and send the Maybe Person tumbling into deeper levels of doubt about having told you anything. Patience is needed, because this information extraction takes time and a willingness to allow the process to unfold at the Maybe Person’s pace. And the desire to help is essential, because you’re going to have to teach this person a decision-making strategy.

Your Goal: Help Them Learn to Think Decisively

Your Maybe Person’s problem is a simple one: He or she doesn’t know a systematic method for choosing between imperfect choices. Your goal, therefore, is to give this person a strategy for decision making and the motivation to use it. Perhaps you’ve heard that “You can feed someone a fish and they’ve had a meal. Or you can teach someone to fish, and when there is a need for a fish, they can go get one.” Nevertheless, “You can lead a person to water, but you can’t make him fish.” So, you are going to create a communication environment within which your Maybe Person wants to stop procrastinating and learn how to make a reasonably good decision.

Action Plan

Step 1. Establish and Maintain the Comfort Zone. Have you ever told a salesperson you were going to “think about it,” even though you knew you weren’t going “to buy it”? Why did you do that? Because the get along part of you didn’t want to deal with the discomfort of telling the truth?

There’s no doubt about it: Nebulous fears and negative feelings interfere with clear thinking. Remember that when you are dealing with those in the get-along quadrant, intensity drives them deeper into the wishy-washy behavior. Even if you could intimidate the Maybe People into making a decision, they would probably change their mind as soon as they were pressured by someone with a different agenda. To help your problem people think clearly, you must develop a comfort zone around the prospect of making the decision. Instead of pushing them too hard to make a decision, you’re going to take your time and be as considerate as you can possibly be.

Address your first remarks to the importance of a dependable relationship with them, and reassure them that you believe relationships improve with open communication. Since Maybe behavior happens when people are in a get-along mode, even your boss will respond to sincerity. For example:

“I know that if you haven’t made a decision yet, there must be a good reason. If you’re concerned about my feelings or opinion, relax. I assure you, your willingness to be honest with me is more important than anything else.”

If you think it’s prudent, reassure them that the conversation will remain private. Keep your tone of voice and facial expression congruent with comfort and safety.

Marv found Sue when she was alone by the vending machines. She looked as though she would have bolted if she’d seen him sooner.

“So,” Marv began, with as much warmth as he could muster, “Have you decided who we will be sending to the convention in Hawaii?”

“Well … I’m still thinking about it.”

“Sue, I asked you to make this decision two months ago, and now the convention is only three weeks away. You know we always send our best sales rep. I know that if you have been putting off this decision there must be a good reason. Whatever it is that’s holding you back, you can talk to me about it.” [Establish a comfort zone]

“Well, here is a list of people. Why don’t you choose?” Sue’s generally cheery disposition was clouded with concern.

Step 2. Surface Conflicts, Clarify Options. Patiently explore, from the Maybe Person’s point of view, all of the options and the obstacles involved in making the decision, and any people that might be adversely affected by the decision. Listen for words of hesitation like “probably,” “I think so,” “pretty much,” “that could be true,” and so on, as signals to explore deeper.

“Sue, thanks, but I don’t think so. You are the sales manager. There is no one better or more appropriate than you to make the call. Is there something going on for you regarding this decision that I should know about? [Surface conflicts] You really can tell me!”

“Well …” Sue hesitated.

Marv kept the initiative going. “If something is disturbing you about this decision, I want to know. [Maintain the comfort zone] Even if it is about me, it’s alright to tell me. What’s going on?” [Surface conflict]

“Well … Maybe the trip should go to Jerry. He has had a record quarter.”

“So … It’s Jerry then.” Marv’s heart leapt at the thought it could be so easy!

“Um … That would probably work.”

“Sue, when you say probably, it sounds to me like you’re not that certain that Jerry is the best choice. Is there something about choosing him that wouldn’t work?”

“It’s not that. Well, it is. I mean, how about Lori? Since she used to be your personal assistant and you trained her, and you’re always complimenting her work … Well, I just don’t know.” [Conflict is found]

Knowing Sue, it occurred to Marv how much she must have agonized over this. “Is that it. Are you worried about my reaction?”

“Well … Yes!” [The plot thickens]

Step 3. Use a Decision-Making System. The best way to make a decision is to use a system. There are plenty of systems already developed, so there’s no need to reinvent the wheel here. If you have one that works well for you, teach it to your Maybe Person.

If not, a tried and true simple system is the old Ben Franklin method of drawing a line lengthwise on a piece of paper and dividing the page in half. Put one of your choices at the top and list all of the pluses of that choice on one side and all of the minuses on the other side, and then repeat the process for each option. Some people can do this mentally, in their mind’s eye; others write it down. For the Maybe Person, writing it down is probably better, clearer, and more useful when it comes to the follow-through. After creating these lists, you compare them. It becomes easier to get an overall feel for which is the strongest choice, or the least negative one, once all the pluses and minuses have been made explicit.

Marv said, “I really appreciate how tough it must have been for you to talk to me about this.” [Maintain the comfort zone]

Sue looked surprised. “You do?”

“Absolutely. And in the future, I hope you’ll remember that I care more about honesty than I do about agreement. Meanwhile, a decision does have to be made, and soon.” Marv led Sue to a nearby table, grabbed a sheet of paper, and wrote “Lori” on top. He turned it over and wrote “Jerry.” “So let’s look at your choices here. [Use a decision-making system] You could select Lori to please me …” He wrote “Make Marv Happy” on the plus side, then drew a line through it. “Which really wouldn’t if she isn’t the best.” He continued, “And, of course, that might send Jerry’s productivity into a tailspin.” He put this in the negative column. “I want you to pick the person who you believe most deserves it.” For the next few minutes, he brainstormed with Sue on all the pluses and minuses of each candidate.

Leaning back, Marv said “Well, it seems that Jerry is far more productive than Lori, and rewarding him with this trip could even inspire others. But Sue, that’s only how I read this. I want us to have a stronger working relationship built on a foundation of honesty, and no choice that you make here could please me more than that. And the choice is still yours. Who do you think is best?”

Sue breathed a sigh of relief. “I’m picking Jerry.” The weight seemed to fall from her shoulders and her naturally sunny disposition broke through the clouds of doubt.

Whatever system works for you, use it consistently with your Maybe Person and it will become second nature for him or her.

Step 4. Reassure and Then Ensure Follow-Through. Once the decision is made, reassure the Maybe Person that there are no perfect decisions, and that the decision is a good one. Then, to ensure that the Maybe Person follows through, stay in touch until the decision is implemented. You can keep things moving along by keeping this small piece of the action in your own hands.

“That’s Great. I think you’ve made the right choice for all the best reasons. [Reassure] When will you tell him?”

“As soon as we are done talking. Whew! What a relief.”

“I’ll bet. Listen, Sue, I’ll drop by later this afternoon and follow up on this. I want to know what his reaction was.” [Ensure follow-through]

Step 5. Strengthen the Relationship. This moment of truth offers you the opportunity to strengthen your relationship with the Maybe Person so that surfacing conflict is easier in the future. Promote the idea of a better future for the both of you as a result of the person’s honesty with you.

“So, Sue, before I go, I want to ask you one more thing. What have you learned from this?”

“Well, Marv, one thing I’ve learned is that I can talk to you. I didn’t know you could be so understanding!”

“Thanks. I’d really like you to know that you can count on me to listen to your concerns. Can I count on you to talk things out with me in the future? That would mean a lot to me!”

“Yes, you can.” Sue paused for a moment, and then continued, “As a matter of fact, there’s something else that I’d like to talk about with you, if I may. It’s a little more personal …” As they sipped their soft drinks and walked down the hall talking, what had seemed like a hard decision had become the bedrock of a growing friendship.

Be willing to take a few moments from time to time and listen to the Maybe Person’s concerns. Talk on a personal level with the person, and help him or her learn the decision-making process whenever the opportunity arises. If you are willing to patiently invest a little time in this kind of guidance, the Maybe Person will never want to let you down. Then, you’ll find that the Maybe Person has become one of the most dependable decision makers you know.

Great Moments in Difficult People History

“To Bat or Not to Bat”

Sally Davis walked into Hank’s office to see him staring out the window. He seemed to be so lost in thought that she could have stood there for an hour and he wouldn’t have turned around. Finally, she threw her baseball glove in his lap and he jumped as if it had fallen out of nowhere. “So, do you have the starting lineup yet, captain?”

His hand rubbed the furrows in his brow as he said, “Well … um, not yet.”

Sally’s jaw dropped a little. “Hank, the softball game is in an hour. When do you think you are going to do it?”

“Soon, I guess.”

Sally shook her head. “Hank, this is not like you. [Positive projection] Knowing you, you’ve been thinking about this all week. If you haven’t decided, then there must be a good reason. Talk to me. Hey, this is Sally Davis, your catcher. If a pitcher can’t talk to the catcher who can he talk to? [Make it safe to be honest] Come on, conference on the mound between you and me. Nothing leaves this room. What’s going on?”

Hanks put his arms on the desk, laid his chin across them, and sighed, “I’ve got a dilemma.”

“What is it? C’mon, out with it!” encouraged Sally.

“Well, I don’t know what to do with Johnson. I don’t know where to bat him.”

Sally looked confused, “Hank, eighth or ninth is where you bat him. He’s a .250 hitter at best. How is this a problem?”

“Well, you know how much I want that promotion, and Johnson is on the committee that decides. I don’t want to take the chance of offending him. But then again, I don’t see how I could bat him earlier either. The team is counting on me to do the right thing, and I don’t know what to do.”

Sally took a breath to calm her own reaction to the situation and then calmly said, “I see you have a real problem here. On one hand, if you bat Johnson where he deserves, you take a chance of offending him and losing the promotion. On the other hand, if you bat him anywhere else, you are letting down the team that made you captain. Do I paint an accurate picture?”

“Yeah, you got it. There’s no way out.”

“Maybe,” said Sally. She walked over to the white board on Hank’s wall.

“What are you doing?”

“We are going to look at your choices.” On one side she wrote “Bat Johnson eighth” and on the other side she wrote “Bat Johnson earlier.” Then she drew a vertical line under each choice to make two columns, and put a plus and minus sign on each side of each line. “Okay,” she began, “let’s see what the positives are of batting Johnson eighth.” [Help them decide]

“Well, ah, it is better for the team. And I wouldn’t let my teammates down. I guess that’s all.”

“All right,” said Sally, “What’s wrong with Johnson batting eighth?”

“Well, I might jeopardize my promotion. I could offend him.” Hank sighed. Then his head jerked up, his eyes opened wide, and he said, “Johnny Blanchard.”

“Huh?” said Davis.

“Johnny Blanchard hit .305 and 22 home runs with the 1961 Yankees as a sub. He couldn’t even break into the starting lineup with those kind of numbers because they had Mantle hitting 54 homers. Maris hit 61 that year.”

“Of course,” said Sally. She wasn’t that much of a baseball fan and had no idea what this had to do with the starting lineup that day against their arch rivals, Arvy Plastics, but she listened and nodded anyway as if she understood. [Blending]

Hank went on, in a world of his own, “… Blanchard was a catcher, but so was Elston Howard and Yogi Berra. Howard hit .340 and both he and Berra hit over 20 homers. Skowran hit 27 homers. They hit 240 homers as a team. No one has touched that record.”

She had to clarify. “Hank, so the ‘61 Yankees were good. What does that have to do with where Johnson bats?”

“I’ll tell you. Johnny Blanchard could have started for any other major league team, but he would have rather been on the bench for the Yankees. You never heard him complaining. When he was finally traded, he actually cried into his Yankee hat.” Hank looked out the window, his eyes glistening. “I’ll never forget the picture on the back of the Post. There he was, right in the newspaper, cryin’ into his hat! Now, that’s a Yankee. That’s a team player! Thanks, Davis. We don’t have to go any further. The team trusted me to be captain and I am going to do my job. Johnson is part of this team, and I’ll count on him to do his job. Johnson is batting eighth. That’s where he belongs. If he chooses to hold that against me, too bad.” And with that he grabbed his glove off the coat rack, poked Sally playfully in the shoulder with it and said, “Thanks, Sal. Glad you’re on my team. Now let’s go warm up.”

“No problem,” smiled Sally.

“They Love You, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah”
A real live dramatization of a fictional incident

The musical group was taken by surprise at their sudden success. Crowds now gather at all their concerts, media people compete for interviews. In the midst of all this public clamor, a TV spot opens up that is guaranteed to take the lads to a level of recognition beyond their wildest dreams. There’s only one small problem: A member of the band is having second thoughts about it all, and can’t make up his mind about going on the show. Let’s listen in:

“I mean really, John, are you or aren’t you going to make the grade?”

“Paul, I’ll uh … get back to you later.”

“John, try to see it my way, only time will tell if Ed finds another band to play.”

“Well, Paul, there will be an answer. Let it be.”

“Listen, John. I know you, you know me, one thing I can tell you is we can work it out. [Establish a comfort zone] All you need is love. Just give me some truth: What is it, me old chum, about performin’ on Ed’s show?” [Surface conflict]

“Paul, I feel hung up and I don’t know why. Now that I’m older, I feel so insecure. You know it ain’t easy.”

“John, there’s nothin’ to get hung about. Don’t carry the world upon your shoulders. Let it out and let it in. Hey John, begin. Well, you know that it’s just you. Hey, John, you’ll do. You can talk to me. What are your choices?” [Clarify options]

“Well, Paul, you say yes, I say no. You say so, I say I don’t know. What if I’m the biggest fool that ever hit the big time? Methinks I’m gonna let you down. I’m as blue as I can be!”

“I see John, you don’t want to let me down, is that it? [Backtracking] This decision’s really got a hold on you.” [Blending]

“Paul, yer lookin’ through me.”

“Alright, then. Try to see it my way. There will be a show tonight. Picture yourself on the tube, on the telly, with black-and-white screen and CBS eye. They’ll love you, yeah?” [Mind’s eye decision system]

“Yeah, yeah. If I could stop me mind from wanderin’. Paul, can ya whisper words of wisdom?”

“You know it’s gonna be alright. Let it be. Let it be.” [Ensure follow-through with reassurance]

“I suppose I’ll get by with a little help from my friends … how will we get to the studio, Paul?”

“Let me take you down, John, cause I’m goin’ too.” [Strengthen relationship]

Quick Summary

When Someone Becomes a Maybe Person

Your Goal: Help the Person Learn to Think

Decisively

ACTION PLAN

1. Establish a comfort zone.

2. Surface conflicts, clarify options.

3. Use a decision-making system.

4. Reassure, then ensure follow-through.

5. Strengthen relationship.