19
What If People Can’t Stand You?
Correspondence with Difficult People
By now you have probably recognized that you too have days when you are at your worst. So what can you do about it? You may find the answer in the following exchange of letters:
1. What If You Are the Tank?
Rick2,
You’ve got guts, and you shoot straight from the hip. I admire that. Since your seminar, I have come to the conclusion that I am the difficult person. The people I thought were difficult are difficult from having to deal with me. Yeah, I lose patience when I think people are wasting time. But I have a lot to do, and when I have the future in my sights, people keep getting in the way and slowing me down. What do I do? Don’t mince words. Just be honest. I can take it, I have a pretty hard shell.
Joe Sherman
Dear Sherm,
Well, for starters, recognize that flattening people is probably the most time consuming and least effective means of getting things done. Stop wasting time. Consider the answers to the following questions: Are things really getting done when you act like that? What kinds of things? At what cost? Do the people around you live in fear of you? Is that what you want? Are you a true leader who can motivate and inspire people or are you just a two-bit dictator? Why not get things done without leaving a trail of bodies in your wake?
We understand that you’re a man on a mission. You’ve built something and you want to keep it going. You don’t want anything to slow you down. You’re afraid that it will all unravel. If being a leader, instead of a dictator, seems to you like a great result to achieve, use the attitudinal adjustment strategy found in the Appendix. If you’re serious about getting things done, study the biographies and autobiographies of people with proven track records of getting results, make an example out of them, and build on their success. Use them as models, change your own history, and get used to the idea.
2. What If You Are the Sniper?
Dear Frik and Frak,
Some people grow on you, others turn out to be crop failures. Some people practice what they preach, others practice preaching. Some shepherds feed the flock, some shepherds fleece the flock. Not that I’m trying to say that you guys are failures or liars, but hey, you must be twins. No one person could be so stupid.
Ms. Tree
Dear Ms. Tree,
Did we detect a note of sarcasm? No, no. It was a whole symphony, and it was playing your song. Bad dog! Go lay down in the corner. Actually, as a Sniper, you already have fewer real friends than an alarm clock. Every time you snipe, people probably think you just had your first beer. The fact is, you have a severe speech impediment. It’s called your brain. But making you feel bad won’t help you change. So how do you change?
If there is some grudge or grievance you are holding against the person you snipe at, you may want to save yourself a lot of trouble, tell your victim, and get it over with. We recommend that you first admit to responsibility for your sniping; secondly, that you take responsibility for your perceptions and reactions to the original situation; and lastly, you describe what you’re upset about and ask for what you want.
It is possible, however, that you do not have a deep-seated grudge against anyone in particular. Your sniping may find it’s source in a moment of impatience with people who take too long, or irritation with someone’s obviously inferior ideas, or with people who generally waste time, or an accumulation of miscellaneous irritations over the course of the day that finally cause you to seek revenge by taking it out on others.
In any case, take a good look to see how the sniping behavior is defeating some other important purpose of yours. Perhaps you’re a manager and you want the opinions of your people, but you’re not getting them because they live in fear of becoming your target. Seeing this clearly may create the motivation to change.
If you are the entertainer Sniper who really doesn’t mean anything by your rude, and (to you) funny, remarks, and figure, “Hey, if you can’t laugh at yourself … laugh at other people,” remember that the meaning of your communication is the response you get. Put another way, knucklehead, if you’re trying to be friendly and the other person is not perceiving it as such, then they don’t get it and you should try something else. Ask them what they would prefer, commit to it, and give them permission to remind you if you “happen to forget.”
3. What If You Are the Know-It-All?
Sirs,
When I attended your seminar, I was certain that you would not have anything worthwhile to tell me. After all, I have several business degrees and run my own medium-sized business quite efficiently, thank you. But I must admit, a few of your ideas seemed remotely reasonable, though I doubt most people are intelligent enough to employ them successfully. In your opinion, which part of your program, if any, would be most valuable for me to take personally?
Cordially,
I.M. Pompous
As you must know, those who value knowledge can only obtain it by keeping their minds open. No doubt you have spent a considerable amount of time learning all you know. Perhaps you have also discovered that the more you know, the more you don’t know, and the more there is to know.
Every person has the potential to add to your wealth of knowledge, because everyone has a unique perspective. When discussing ideas, remember this and instead of shutting out others, find out what they are really talking about. Someone can suggest a totally bonehead idea that will never work, but the criteria that makes them suggest it may be worth it’s weight in gold.
As far as your attitude is concerned, we recommend that you become curious, and then fascinated with the differences in perception and in behavior between people. In an age of information, where an entire encyclopedia can be accessed in microseconds at the touch of a computer key, wisdom has greater value than knowledge. Wisdom does not come from age, for from the mouths of babes can come great wisdom. Wisdom is the product of an inquiring mind that’s connected to the heart.
4. What If You Are the Think-They-Know-It-All?
Dear Guys,
Hey, what a blast. I got some great jokes from your class. I can’t wait to use ’em on the gang at the office. But I gotta tell ya’, there’s a much simpler way to deal with difficult people. Just look at ’em right in the eye when they’re being difficult, and tell ’em “Sounds like a personal problem!” Get it?
But seriously, the only problem I have with people is their attitude about me! I never run out of conversation, only listeners! Even when I make mistakes, I have very good reasons for guessing wrong! But I don’t get no respect from anyone. Any suggestions?
Till the kitchen sinks,
Wise or Other-Wise
We can think of at least three things that you don’t already know:
(1) There is no disgrace in admitting a mistake, unless you first try to cover it up. As soon as you realize that your information is inadequate, or your idea poorly thought through, a simple admission of that will suffice to regain your esteem in the eyes of your peers.
(2) If exaggeration is a slight problem for you, then it will be fruitful to deal with its cause, which is the frustrated desire to be liked and appreciated. You may want to do a few things to increase your self-esteem, as low self-esteem is often at the root of Think-They-Know-It-All behavior. Work with a counselor. Get on a steady diet of high-fiber information on topics relevant to your work and personal relationships. Read books, listen to and watch tapes that deal with the issue of self-esteem.
(3) Most importantly, stop trying to impress people for awhile. People may think you are a fool, or you can remove any question by opening your mouth. Practice being comfortable with silence, and wait to speak until you really have something to contribute. And remember that the surest way to gain appreciation is by giving recognition and showing genuine appreciation to others.
5. What If You Are the Grenade?
To the two jerks that presented that program on difficult people,
You guys really <expletive deleted> me off. I sat through your whole program watching you swagger around spouting your philosophy. I kept asking myself, “Who do they think they are?” But the thing that really pulled my pin was all your remarks about Grenades hating themselves. So what if I do? That’s my business. Right? So what if I’m not perfect, like you? I have a lot of stress to deal with, like three brat-ty kids, an arrogant boss, an unappreciative staff, and a wife who doesn’t like my attitude. In fact, my wife says she’s going to leave me unless I change my attitude. So what if she does? That’s my business. But I hope she changes her mind. I don’t know why I even bothered writing this letter. What do you care? I got enough to deal with without this <expletive deleted>. Forget it.
Sincerely,
Don Pullit
Whoa! Are you using barbed wire to floss your teeth? From what you say, you have an even-temper: Always grouchy. If you’re walking around with the same hostility that’s in your letter, it’s only a matter of time before your ticker stops. Here are a few suggestions for changing your attitude.
In order to change, you must determine your motive for making that change, whether it’s some internal reward, like living a happier life, or an external reward, like being a better role model for your children, or improving your chances for a healthy retirement. This clarity about motive will act as the sprinkler system that keeps your fire from getting out of control.
Your next step is to find out what your pin is, and what pulls it. How do you know when to blow up? Initially your answer may be, “I don’t know.” But give it a chance. Examine some instances when you blew up. Examine multiple situations to find the common thread in what sets you off. Then decide what it is that you want to happen the next time that pin gets pulled. How do you want to respond? Mentally rehearse that until it feels natural and believable to you.
If you are an occasional grenade, you might consider learning to express your feelings sooner, in little ventings, rather than waiting for things to reach critical mass. Spend some time over the next few weeks developing your ability to express yourself appropriately as soon as the sparks first fly.
6. What If You Are the Yes Person?
Dear Doctors,
Hello. My name is Ida, and though you probably won’t remember me, I really liked your seminar a lot. I felt that you were very thoughtful and considerate. I told all my friends about what nice people you are. If there is anything that I can do to help you out, all you have to do is ask and I will try my best to do as much as I possibly can under the circumstances.
I’m certain you’re very busy and don’t have the time to write back to me, but that’s okay. I understand. You probably want to spend that time with your families and other people who are more important. And that’s fine with me. I don’t mind. I’m just happy to have had the chance to know you a little bit, and, by the way, is this letter okay? Have I been rambling? I better stop, because I know how busy you must be.
Warmly,
Ida Gree
Dear Ida,
Thanks for your thoughtful letter. It was a pleasure to hear from you. You seem like a very nice person, so here’s some nice advice.
Your challenge, and opportunity, is to say what you think independently of what you think others might think about what you say. And that’s not as difficult as you might think. Begin by realizing that in your desire to please people, you often don’t. If you make an offer that you can’t keep, or a promise that you can’t deliver, the displeasure of those disappointed people is inevitable. You may not have believed it when they told you, but practically everyone really does prefer you to be honest, straightforward, and to keep the commitments that you make.
For example, do you ever tell a salesperson that you’ll be back, when you know that you won’t? That salesperson, whose feelings you may not want to hurt, winds up with false hope, and wastes valuable time pursuing your business. The nicest thing you could do is tell the truth that you’re not interested in the product or service. The people who love you want you to be happy too, but they can’t really contribute to your happiness unless you are honest about what you want and what you can do. And if you always put yourself last, withholding your thoughts and feelings from others, you deprive those people of the chance to really get to know you, with the result that there can be no real intimacy.
We recommend that you strengthen your ability to keep commitments by developing your task-management skills. Learn how to set a goal and make a plan of action; how to prioritize activities to maximize time; how to delegate so you aren’t doing it all yourself; how to keep track of your time so that you can make accurate time estimates and prevent your time from getting lost in interruptions and unexpected crises.
Also, practice being assertive in small ways. If your food is not done correctly at a restaurant, send it back. If someone usurps your place in line, tell them you were there first. Take every opportunity to be assertive. At business meetings, make it your goal to be the first, or one of the first, to speak up.
Since your strength is a genuine caring about people, you can serve them best by meeting them where they are. And remember yourself, because you count too.
7. What If You Are the Maybe Person?
Dear Rick and Rick, Dr. Brinkman and Dr. Kirschner, Sirs,
I’m not certain if this is my question, but when you asked how many procrastinators were in the group, did you actually want us to raise our hands? Because I wasn’t certain, and before I could figure it out, you had already moved on. I never did get my hand up, but I think that I am. Well, at least sometimes. Well, it’s not that I can’t make up my mind. Uh, Okay, yes it is. Anyway, I just thought I’d tell you that there was at least one more procrastinator in the group than there was, or were, hands raised. Unless someone raised their hand that isn’t really a procrastinator. Does that happen?
Sincerely,
Lotta Doubts
Dear Lotta,
The fact is, none of the real procrastinators ever did get their hands up. And all those other people who did get their hands up were kidding.
We have a lot of, no, actually just a little advice for you. Keep reminding yourself of these simple rules of thumb: (1) There’s no such thing as a perfect decision. Every decision has some inherent costs that can’t be predicted. (2) Any decision left unmade will ultimately make itself. (3) When in doubt, decide now. Eighty percent of the decisions you face can be made in the moment that you become aware of them, and will not benefit from further information. Only 15 percent of the decisions you face will benefit from more info and 5 percent of the decisions you face truly don’t need to be made at all.
If you are concerned that your decision might hurt someone, be honest with them about your concerns in making the decision. Expressing concern and being sensitive to the feelings of others is a terrific skill, as long as it doesn’t lock you in counterproductive behavior.
We also recommend that you start noticing all the decisions that you do make well. For example, you decided to write and followed through. You decide to get up in the mornings, to eat when you’re hungry, to go to bed when you’re sleepy. You decide on outfits, books to read, and a whole range of choices present themselves to you daily. Notice where you’re succeeding, tell yourself you can do it, and find a decision-making system you can work with. Then stay with it consistently, and you’ll find that making up your mind gets easier all the time.
8. What If You Are the Nothing Person?
Dear ?,
I don’t know. Nothing comes to mind.
Sincerely,
Dusty Blank
Dear Dusty,
If you have a tendency to be the quiet type of person, conflicting feelings in any situation can push you into nothingness. Stuffing your feelings and withdrawing from conflict only perpetuates the conflict inside of you and creates distance between you and others. Distance leads to isolation, which is the opposite of intimacy.
Expressing your emotions responsibly instead of stuffing your feelings is better for your health and your happiness. You won’t have to be the silent victim of pointless conversations if you are willing to speak up and move it in another direction. When feeling conflicting feelings, if you don’t feel safe telling the people involved in the conflict, find someone you feel safe in talking to, and start talking. Sometimes, just talking about what you feel gives you enough perspective to resolve the conflict.
What if you become a Nothing Person to avoid another person’s emotional explosions, withdrawing into a shell as a survival tactic? Using the grenade strategy outlined earlier in this book will be far more effective, with less wear and tear on both you and the grenade. There is a very good chance that if you communicated more with the emotional people in your life, you could avoid most of the explosive outbursts, since silence is one of the best ways to pull the pin on a grenade.
When you are in a group of people, try speaking up. On occasion, you may even want to try dominating the conversation a bit. It may seem strange at first, but you will get used to it. Tell the truth about your feelings more often to the people you care about. Tell people what upsets you in a nonblaming way, by using this form:
“When you [Describe what it is they are doing that is difficult for you to deal with], I feel [Describe the effect their behavior has on you]. In the future, I would like you to [Now ask for what you want].
For example:
“When your voice gets loud like this, I feel like you’re shouting at me rather than talking with me. In the future, I’d appreciate it if you would talk to me in a more conversational tone.” In this way you can responsibly express yourself, and give people the opportunity to get to know you and strengthen the relationship.
9. What If You Are the No Person?
Sirs,
The purpose of writing this letter is twofold. First, I disagree with your remarks about negativity. Negativity can be a very positive thing, if it prevents people from making foolish mistakes and costly errors. Second, I wish to question your premise that people can set realistic goals and achieve them. In my life, the greater preponderance of people I have known have failed to achieve their goals, while the rare few, usually through privilege, succeed.
There’s no point in answering this letter, as you will not change my mind. Unlike the other people who attend your programs, I have no use for pop psychology and simple formulas for success. Bitter experience has taught me to lie low, and I won’t be tricked by you into standing up and sticking my neck out only to be shot down.
Yours in disbelief,
Will Gripe
Dear Will,
In every person’s life, a little rain must fall. All people go through tough times for which they feel ill-prepared. Everyone has been disappointed, and everyone has experienced things they would have preferred to live without. Negativity is an essential part of the human experience. Now, we don’t mean to sound discouraging, but when you’re in a negative mindset, your perceptions of things and people are likely to be inaccurate.
If you really want to know what it’s like to be around you, carry a tape recorder around with you and leave it on. Of course, having a tape recorder on may change your negativity level dramatically. As time progresses (or passes away), notice how many times you could have been negative and weren’t because of the tape recorder. Then, when you listen to the tape, figure that you’re about twice as negative as you sound on the tape.
By the way, what do you want your life to stand for? When you look back on what you did with what was given to you, what will be the achievement of your lifetime? “I devoted my life to stealing people’s energy and motivation.” That’s not a proud legacy, it’s a shroud legacy! Look around you, at the planes, televisions, automobiles, all the inventions and achievements of humanity. All of those blessings were brought to fruition by people who were willing to believe in the possible rather than the impossible, and sometimes, against impossible odds; people who chose to be part of the solution instead of part of the problem. Sometimes, in the face of obstacles and dangers even you can scarcely imagine, people found within themselves the will to win. So can you, but only if you decide to look for it.
We suggest that you do a change history exercise on the bitter moments of your life. Make a list of the biggest or most painful disappointments. Ask yourself what you know now that, had you known it then, your life might have turned out differently. Access resources and go back to those memories in a more powerful way. Learn the lessons they have to teach you and let go of the disappointment. All things must pass, and if you let them, this can happen before you’ve passed away with them. We recommend that you read, and reread, the chapter on attitude. Use all the skills you find there until you get good at them. You may want to find some professional help, a counselor or therapist who can help you to clean up the past and get current with events. On the one hand, life is too short to spend it feeling bad about the past, and on the other hand, you have the rest of your life to make up for lost time.
In your relationships with others, be wary of criticizing. Feedback helps people improve their performance, and as such, is a positive thing. Criticism rarely improves and generally destroys whatever it is aimed at. When people offer suggestions, or share their ideas and accomplishments with you, practice noticing and talking about what you do like before offering your feedback on how to improve it. Gather information to understand more, especially the criteria. You may be on to something important, and pointing out specific valid flaws is an important part of the problem-solving process. But sweeping negative generalities tend to throw the baby out with the bathwater, so force yourself to be specific and keep things in perspective.
Finally, let people know that you want to be constructive. If they have known you for a while, then you will have to give them time before they believe you really have changed.
All the best (or none of the worst)
10. What If You Are the Whiner?
Dear Kirschner and Brinkman,
Oh, no. This program is too complicated. There’s too much to learn, and it goes by too quickly to remember it. Not only that, but if everybody learned this, it probably wouldn’t work. And even if it did, it wouldn’t be very enjoyable because everyone would know what you were doing. Also, there are other books and tapes and seminars that claim to tell you how to deal with difficult people, but they don’t all agree with you. Then there’s the problem of misunderstanding what you’ve told us, and doing it wrong, which would be awful. You have no idea what a difficult situation you’ve created with your program.
Sincerely,
Mona Lott
Dear Mona,
Like the No Person, you have become focused on what is wrong with everything, rather than what can be done about something. You probably can find fault with yourself too. You have four choices if you want your future to turn out differently than your past:
1. Switch to a problem-solving mode. Going on and on about what you don’t want is like driving a car backwards to avoid hitting something you see in front of you. Instead, ask yourself, “What do I want, where do I want to take this, what can I aim for?” Remember that you can’t take aim without a target! Write down some specific goals.
2. Take a second, and perhaps more realistic, look at the world around you. Break down the huge generalizations that you’ve formed about everything into little specifics that you can actually see, hear, and feel as well as do something about. People who are doers rather than whiners waste very little time reacting to things. Instead, they use their energy to move closer to the results they believe possible.
3. Notice and appreciate what is working in your life, and what you accomplish. On your path you may have passed many milestones without noticing them. That robs you of the satisfaction and energy that comes naturally with accomplishment. Post some notes to yourself in prominent places that say, “Remember to Appreciate.”
4. You could do all of these things as an alternative to the way you feel helpless, whine, and subsequently drive the people around you crazy. We believe that would be much more satisfying. So the next time you start to complain, stop! Make a commitment to do something, anything, rather than whining about it. Then you, and everyone around you, will be done with it once and for all. Thanks for writing, and if you change your mind, let us know!