Index

acknowledgment, of other person, 51–52

action plans, 77–78. See also following up on difficult conversations

anger, 63–64. See also emotions

anxiety, 4–5. See also emotions

assessment

of assumptions, 33–35, 53

of conversation, 72–74

assumptions, assessing your, 33–35, 53

avoidance of difficult conversations, 3, 21–22

 

bad news, breaking, 21

body language, 53, 76, 90, 93

 

commitments

establishing, 67–68

keeping your, 79–81

common ground, identifying, 61–62, 66, 77

communication skills, developing, 12–13, 85–96

composure, maintaining, 62–63. See also conducting difficult conversations

conducting difficult conversations, 49–68

adapting and rebalancing during, 62–67

commitments, establishing, 67–68

common ground, identifying, 61–62, 66

counterpart, acknowledging, 51–52

framing the issue, 53–56

listening, 56–60, 77

starting approaches for, 45–46, 51–53

conflicting interests, 5–6

consistency, 89. See also trust

counterpart

acknowledging your, 51–52. See also conducting difficult conversations

considering perspective of, 37, 41. See also preparing for difficult conversations

emotions of, 37

looking for common ground with, 61–62

understanding your, 65

written follow-up with, 77–79. See also following up on difficult conversations

 

difficult conversations, overview, 3–13

 

emotional intelligence, and difficult conversations, 23–24, 86

emotions

addressing, 35–39

anger, 63–64

anxiety, 4–5

during conversation, 76

of counterpart, 37

expressing your, 54–55

naming your, 23–27

strong, 11–12

triggered by difficult conversations, 38–39

evaluation, self, 72–74

eye contact, 51. See also conducting difficult conversations

 

factors contributing to difficult conversations, 3–13

facts. See also perspectives

assessing, 33–35

differing views of the, 10–11

feedback

constructive, 19

loops, 93–95 feelings. See emotions

fight or flight response, 11. See also emotions

following up on difficult conversations, 71–81

keeping your commitments, 79–81

notes about, 74–77

questions to ask post-discussion, 72–74

self-evaluation, 72–74

 

Goleman, Daniel, 23–24

 

having a difficult conversation. See conducting difficult conversations

 

impasses, 65–66. See also conducting difficult conversations

impressions, notes about your, 74–77. See also following up on difficult conversations

initiative, taking, 27–28. See also preparing for difficult conversations

insecurities, 25, 26. See also perspectives

interests, conflicting, 5–6

introspection, 17–28. See also preparing for difficult conversations

issues

focusing on, 56

framing, 45, 53–56

“I” statements, 53–54. See also conducting difficult conversations

 

listening, 56–60, 77, 90–91. See also conducting difficult conversations

 

mind-set, changing your, 28. See also preparing for difficult conversations

misunderstandings, 64–65. See also conducting difficult conversations

mock conversations, 43. See also preparing for difficult conversations

 

neutral setting, 46. See also preparing for difficult conversations

note taking, 74–77. See also following up on difficult conversations

 

open communication, 91–92. See also communication skills, developing

outcomes of difficult conversations, identifying positive, 41–42

 

passive-aggressive behavior, 89. See also trust

personal connections, developing, 88–90

personal styles, 6–8, 25 perspectives

considering other person’s, 37, 41

differing, 10–11, 35

preparing for difficult conversations, 31–46

acknowledging your role in the problem, 39–40

addressing emotions, 35–39

assessment of facts and assumptions, 33–35

deciding to have a conversation, 18–20

identifying positive outcomes, 41–42

objectives, 41, 45, 76

strategy development in, 43–46

taking the initiative in, 27–28

thinking through the situation, 17–28

timing of the conversation, 46

problems

acknowledging your role in, 39–40

addressing, 18–22, 95–96

description of, 76

framing, 45, 53–56

solutions for, 67–68, 77

work-related, 18–19

 

questions

asking, 56–60. See also conducting difficult conversations

to ask post-discussion, 72–74. See also following up on difficult conversations

to prepare for conversations, 44. See also preparing for difficult conversations

 

reflection, before speaking, 86–88. See also preparing for difficult conversations

relationship building, 88–90

responsibility, taking, 39–40

root causes of difficult conversations, 3–13

 

scripts, 43. See also preparing for difficult conversations

self-awareness, 24–25

self-evaluation, 72–74

self-image, 24, 27, 36–37

self-reflection, 86–88

solutions, 67–68, 77. See also following up on difficult conversations

speaking

listening before, 90–91

reflecting before, 86–88

strategies, 43–46. See also preparing for difficult conversations

stubbornness, 65–66. See also conducting difficult conversations

succinctness, 93. See also communication skills, developing

 

taking action, 18–22. See also preparing for difficult conversations

timing, 46. See also preparing for difficult conversations

trust

building, 89

lack of, 9–10

 

understanding difficult conversations, 3–13

 

work styles, 6–8, 9. See also root causes of difficult conversations

written follow-up, 77–79. See also following up on difficult conversations