Chapter 5

Delivering Transformational DEI Training

A few years ago, a colleague and I were facilitating a leadership training and decided to conduct a somewhat risky experiment. We put a line of masking tape on the floor and told participants to read two statements on the projector screen and then move to one side of the line or the other depending on the statement with which they most agreed.

The first slide was coffee versus tea, and they gamely went to their preferred side and playfully argued about the merits of their choices with the folks across the line.

In the second slide, cats versus dogs, the volume in the room rose. People on each side of the line shouted out not only what made their choice good but also what made the other side’s choice bad. The cat people said things like “Cats are independent” and “Dogs are needy and require way more maintenance.” The dog people argued, “Dogs love you unconditionally” and “Cats are obstinate and mean. You can’t trust them.”

Notice how within the space of just a few moments, the line of masking tape became a psychological as well as physical divide. Although the arguments were still playful because the emotional stakes were fairly low, participants started to build a sense of “us” with the people on their side of the tape. They heartily agreed and defended their colleagues’ viewpoints. Participants looked at the people on the other side of the line as the adversary. They were far less interested in hearing what the other side’s point was except to prepare their counterargument.

Then we really turned up the heat. On the slide, we showed the following two statements:

• “Athletes should have the right to kneel during the national anthem.”
• “Athletes should stand and salute the flag during the national anthem.”

This was at the height of the controversy over San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick and other NFL players kneeling during the national anthem to protest police brutality and systemic injustice against African Americans.

The room went quiet. People hesitantly chose their sides without talking much. There were some awkward smiles exchanged but there was no laughter or joking this time. Participants didn’t seem to want to look at one another.

This time, we asked the group to engage a little differently. We invited them to come forward and share their reason for choosing that side of the tape. We asked them to speak from their own experience and to share what emotions they were feeling as well. We asked everyone to be open, to listen deeply to the stories of other participants, particularly the stories of people on the other side of the line. We told them the intention was not to debate, judge, or convince anyone. The purpose was to learn and share.

A White man in his 60s stepped forward and said, “I’m a war veteran and I lost friends in combat. To me standing to salute the flag is an act of patriotism to honor those who gave the ultimate sacrifice. When I see the players kneel, I feel angry and hurt. It’s like it dishonors those service members who gave their lives for our country.”

There was thoughtful silence. After a moment, a Black woman in her 40s responded, “I can understand how that is painful to you, and as a veteran myself I share your pain of losing friends in combat. I stand on this side because as a Black mother I have had to give my young son the talk to tell him how to behave if he’s stopped by law enforcement. I live in fear every day that he might be punished or killed because of the color of his skin. So for me, I believe that those players kneeling is an act of patriotism.”

The White man listened and then said, “Thank you for giving me a different perspective. I have a son, too. That gives me a whole lot to think about.”

Neither of these two participants tried to one-up each other or argue why they were right. They merely shared their personal stories and views, while also honoring the other person’s experience. Not only did the two participants gain insight from their exchange, but the entire class left that dialogue changed as well.

How do we deliver transformational learning experiences?

DEI training is probably the most challenging subject to facilitate. It can be intense, emotional, and uncomfortable. It can be exhausting for both participants and trainers. It can also be the most rewarding and meaningful work a trainer does.

When done well, DEI training can be powerful, eye opening, and healing for the learners. However, there are many cases of training gone wrong, where participants and sometimes trainers leave the experience feeling wounded, angry, and even traumatized.

This chapter will explore ways to leverage experiential practices for effective learning, define the unique role of a DEI trainer, discuss best practices for facilitating DEI dialogues, provide tips for handling difficult situations, and examine ways to develop your ability to facilitate challenging or uncomfortable DEI conversations.

Experiential Learning and DEI

David Kolb’s experiential learning cycle has long been an industry standard for training designers and instructors. Kolb’s model of experiential learning outlines four stages (1984). Let’s look at each stage in the context of DEI:

• Concrete experience. In this phase of the cycle, participants encounter a new situation or experience or reinterpret an existing experience. In DEI training, it is crucial to engage participants as active players in their learning. Concrete experiences invite participants to explore new ways of thinking about identity, become aware of potential identity blind spots or biases, and expose themselves to new behaviors to promote inclusion. The concrete experience is essential to re-create human interactions in the classroom that represent the kinds of diversity-related challenges people experience in the real world, as well as to provide a platform for participants to discuss how those experiences in the real-world impact them.
• Reflective observation. In this phase, participants take time to reflect on their reaction to the concrete experience. They begin to make meaning of the experience and identify inconsistencies between the experience and their own understanding or knowledge. This is an important part of DEI training. Participants need time to process their emotions related to the new content or situation they just experienced. Reflective observation is often a place of self-discovery in DEI training, where participants come face-to-face with situations and perspectives that challenge their beliefs about themselves and others. They often experience some internal conflict, and even interpersonal conflict, when processing the experience. The reflective observation also helps demonstrate that diverse individuals process the concrete experience differently because of their identity.
• Abstract conceptualization. In this phase, participants begin to generalize the learning and draw new conclusions based on their reflection of the concrete experience. They make connections between the new learning and their real-life experiences. They form new ideas or modify existing ones. In DEI training, this is crucial to guide the process of answering the question, “So what?” Participants are more likely to retain the new awareness and knowledge if they see its relevance to their real world.
• Active experimentation. In this phase, participants apply the new learning to their surroundings or make modifications in the next experience. This phase helps participants explore how they can use what they have learned in future scenarios. It also encourages commitment to action and behavioral change by allowing participants to practice new skills in a safe learning environment.

Connect Head, Heart, and Hands

As we covered in chapter 3, experiential learning requires a combination of intellectual, emotional, and practical learning. Participants need to be exposed to new information and knowledge that is not only of interest but clearly relevant to their lives, their needs, and their goals. Participants also need to feel an emotional connection to the new knowledge or experience. In DEI training, this is a crucial component for attitude and behavior change. The learning has to strike a deep emotional chord in the participants. DEI training will unquestionably bring forth strong emotional reactions. The training has to be designed with the intention to harness those powerful emotions in a constructive way. That’s where the hands come into play. The learning must be practical. Participants need to be able to answer the question, “Now what?” They need to be exposed to concrete tools, and have space to apply new skills.

Let the Learners Drive

Individuals learn best when they feel a sense of autonomy. Self-directed learning places the power in the hands of the learners to manage their own journey, rather than being told what to think and what to do.

In DEI training, participants are bringing so many dimensions of their identity with them into the learning space. They experience the learning activities through their unique individual lenses, and their reactions to each learning activity will be colored by that unique identity lens. Their learning needs will also be different based on their lived experiences and their identities. It’s important for instructors to balance the structure of the curriculum with the flexibility to accommodate the unique group dynamics of each class. In DEI training, it is often in the less fettered exercises and group discussions where participants learn the most from one another.

Explore Learning Edges

Individuals learn when they are stretched outside of their comfort zones. Experiential learning encourages participants to expand beyond their current knowledge and skills, providing a safe space for experimentation and error.

In DEI training this is inevitable and essential. Effective DEI training invites people to engage in self-discovery, to explore ideas and beliefs that may be drastically different from their own, and to lean into conversations on topics that are fraught. Instructors need to create a safe environment for people to have uncomfortable moments, to ask questions, to make mistakes, and to learn from their mistakes.

The Paradoxes of DEI Training

In DEI training, trainers must play a unique role. DEI training requires a high level of agility in their ability to change course, switch up methods, and respond to the shifting dynamics in the classroom. There needs to be structure and an adherence to the agenda, but also an ability to recognize when the conversation that spontaneously emerges from an activity needs to go longer even if it takes up more time.

There are often multiple emotional arcs occurring simultaneously in a DEI class. While some participants may be engaged and enthusiastic, others may be resistant, defensive, even angry. While some may feel like their stories of oppression and injustice are finally free to be given voice, others may struggle with shock, guilt, and even shame when encountering new awareness of how they may have been contributing to the problem. And yet others may be skeptical or suspicious of the program and the content, but for very different reasons.

In DEI training, you have to be able to balance seeming paradoxes:

Be an Objective Observer and Be Immersed in the Shared Experience of the Class

It is critical that the facilitator be fully present in every moment of the class, observing individuals’ verbal and nonverbal reactions, facial expressions, gestures, and interactions with other participants to monitor the emotional climate in the classroom. Due to the sensitivity of the content and the deep degree of self-exploration these learning experiences create, the trainer has to be very aware of how people are feeling. Simultaneously, the facilitator is co-creating the learning environment with the participants. The facilitator should never become an active participant, but does need to be fully aware of how their relationship with the participants is symbiotic. They are influencing the group dynamic through their emotions and behaviors, and at the same time the emotions and behaviors of the group are influencing them.

Be Neutral and Emotionally Vulnerable

Facilitators must maintain neutrality. They should avoid taking sides in a conflict or debate or pressuring others to share their political or cultural ideologies. Yet they cannot be robots either. The facilitator has to bring compassion and warmth to the learning environment. The facilitator can encourage others to be vulnerable by sharing their own stories and experiences. It can be especially valuable to share stories of mistakes made to demonstrate that nobody is perfect when it comes to DEI. Everyone makes mistakes and sometimes unintentionally steps on some toes, and everyone has the capacity to learn and grow.

Practice Deep Empathy and Hold People Accountable for Exclusive or Insensitive Behaviors

Facilitators must encourage others to practice deep levels of empathy, to ensure that each participant has the opportunity to share their experiences and emotions without judgment or dismissal. At the same time, if a participant shares an opinion or ideology that contributes to oppression or disparity against an identity group, or if a participant engages in behaviors or speech that are hurtful to others, the facilitator has the responsibility to stop the behavior from continuing. It can be a powerful learning moment for the individual engaging in the behavior, as well as for everyone else who observes the behavior.

Open up the Space for Conflict, Emotion, and Discomfort and Know When to Close the Conversation

DEI facilitators must create a learning environment that encourages people to enter uncomfortable conversations on issues that may have historically been off limits in the workplace. DEI training requires people to get uncomfortable, to explore identity-based biases, stereotypes, privileges, oppression, and even trauma. Simultaneously, the facilitator must properly determine when and how to resolve conflict, move forward, and draw the discussion to a close. Otherwise, participants may leave feeling frustrated or angry.

Have a Structure and Detailed Agenda and Improvise in the Moment to Capture Important Learning

DEI training is a dance that requires well-rehearsed choreography, leaving space for improvisation based on the environment and the reaction and energy of the audience. Facilitators need to have a solid structure in place to cover the learning objectives, especially when time is constrained. DEI training always requires a significant amount of time up front to set the stage and get people comfortable enough to open themselves up to explore the subject matter, be vulnerable, and be open to the cognitive dissonance that accompanies DEI work. Yet, the true magic of DEI training often happens in the unrehearsed moments, in the spontaneous conversations that participants create. Often, facilitators will find themselves having to adjust the agenda to allow for the rich and necessary dialogues to take place among participants.

Your Role in DEI Training

Those who conduct DEI training may find themselves playing several distinct roles throughout the training, depending on the topic, the learning methods, and the audience. They are:

• Instructor. You are acting as the subject matter expert, providing new knowledge and skills to the audience.
• Facilitator. You are acting as a guide to an open-ended dialogue that is driven by the participants.
• Mediator. You are mediating a conflict or debate between individuals or groups who have opposing views of an issue.

One of the critical skills for leading effective DEI training is to engage participants in dialogue. What is dialogue?

The word dialogue is derived from the Greek word dialogos. Let’s break down the origin of this word to seek the true meaning of dialogue:

Dia = “through”

Logos = “the word.”

Therefore, think of dialogue as a flow of conversation that runs through a group of people, where the group collectively creates new meaning and understanding from each individual’s thoughts and ideas. In his book On Dialogue David Bohm (1996) describes the purpose of dialogue as a way of “sharing a common content, even if we don’t agree entirely.”

How is dialogue different than discussion or debate?

In a discussion, the purpose may be to exchange, break down, and analyze individuals’ ideas and opinions. Although this may create opportunities for different perspectives to be heard, it is more focused on breaking down the differences between ideas.

In debate, the purpose of the exchange is to present one’s ideas or opinions as the right way to think. The intent is to win and to showcase the faults or inaccuracies of others’ perspectives. There is no acceptance of multiple realities in a debate.

In DEI training, dialogue provides a space for exploring individual ideas and experiences with equal amounts of curiosity and the intent to co-create a shared reality that comprises all the realities existing in the group. Although discussion and even debate may have some use at times in DEI training, these approaches should be employed with caution because they can easily ostracize individuals and work against the purpose of DEI training, which is to encourage collective understanding and create a sense of community.

Psychological Safety in DEI Training

The facilitator’s most important responsibility is creating a learning environment where all participants feel free to share their views, experiences, and concerns.

What Is Psychological Safety?

Harvard Business School professor Amy Edmondson coined the term psychological safety, defining it as a “shared belief held by members of a team that the team is safe for interpersonal risk-taking.”

Edmondson says that psychological safety is “a sense of confidence that the team will not embarrass, reject or punish someone for speaking up” (Edmondson 2019).

In the context of the DEI classroom, the “team” Edmondson refers to is the group comprising both the participants and the facilitators. The facilitator plays a critical role in setting up the environment for psychological safety, but the responsibility to maintain psychological safety lies with everyone participating in the learning.

The DEI classroom must be a shared space that is held together by interpersonal trust and mutual respect. Experiential learning by its nature must encourage people to push themselves beyond their comfort zones, to take risks, to experiment and make mistakes. DEI training is most effective when people feel free not only to express themselves and their opinions and past experiences without fear of being ridiculed, but also to be motivated to challenge their beliefs, explore their hidden biases, and acknowledge how their actions or inactions may adversely impact others.

Edmondson says there are three key activities needed to build and sustain psychological safety:

1. Set the stage. Make sure everyone is clear and committed to the mission, goals, and purpose. In DEI training, this means:

• Clearly define the learning objectives and expectations of the group at the beginning of the training.
• Collectively set communication norms for facilitators and participants. Norms may include:

  • Everyone gets equal airtime to speak

  • Listen to understand others

  • Speak your honest opinion (use “I” statements)

  • Validate others’ emotions even if you disagree

  • Leave perfection at the door

  • Give feedback to help others learn

2. Invite engagement. Encourage everyone to share their ideas, concerns, and thoughts, even if they’re not sure they will be 100 percent right. This goes against our human instinct to avoid acknowledging inaccuracies or mistakes because we fear we will be judged or punished. Remind people of the complexity of the issue to build confidence among participants to take chances:

• Remind participants often of the importance of hearing all voices and opinions
• Share your own experiences of when you have made mistakes or offended others
• Pay attention to nonverbal cues and check in with, “I noticed you raised an eyebrow just now; what are you thinking about?”

3. Respond productively. Listen with intent to understand and appreciate others’ contributions. Allow people to make mistakes without punishment or judgment. Offer constructive feedback:

• Respond in a neutral tone when someone makes a mistake or says something inflammatory.
• Encourage discourse rather than punishment or shaming. “Let’s unpack this because I think it’s a learning moment for us all.”
• Be open to feedback from others. Invite and accept participant feedback on how you are doing as an instructor or facilitator.

Dialogue and Mindset

What is the growth mindset?

Not only do we hold biases about others, but we also hold them about ourselves. When we believe that personal characteristics are immutable, we can’t create a path for expansion and change.

In her many years of research, psychologist and scholar Carol Dweck found that human beings have two mindsets they can adopt. Like two pathways that diverge, each mindset will lead to radically different beliefs, behaviors, and results. When we are explorers on this great journey of existence together, the opportunities are limitless. The Buddhist saying “For the learner there are endless possibilities; for the expert there are none” is a perfect example of this dichotomy. People who bring a growth mindset are endlessly curious, eager to stretch and challenge themselves, and accept making mistakes. They still may feel pain when they fail, but their failures don’t define them.

Fixed mindset people become nonlearners. They literally turn off the learning receptors in their brains. When they receive feedback, they only tune in to messages that focus on their performance. Fixed mindset people want to be praised and rewarded for being superior, special, perfect. They get defensive when they receive feedback; they beat themselves up and lose not only confidence but also interest in activities where they don’t succeed. If something feels challenging, they give up and look for what is stable, easy, and comfortable. If they fail, they never accept blame; it’s never their fault. They scapegoat.

Dweck’s work reinforces the importance of encouraging participants to open themselves up to divergent perspectives and ideas: “True self-confidence is “the courage to be open—to welcome change and new ideas regardless of their source” (Dweck 2006).

Can we be a little bit of both? Yes, we all have both mindsets. It’s not an either/or. And one mindset or the other may become more prominent in different situations. We have choice. When we are intentional about adopting a growth mindset, we reap the benefits for ourselves, our teams, our organizations.

How do you tap into the growth mindset in the DEI classroom?

Your role as a DEI trainer is to cultivate an environment that encourages the growth mindset for your participants, and you need to model it yourself. Not only is it conducive to the experiential learning process, but this mindset is also linked to overcoming biases and the impact of stereotypes.

This may show up differently for members of dominant and nondominant identity groups. Members of a dominant identity group often fall into fixed mindset traps such as:

• “I’m not a (racist, sexist, homophobe)” or “I treat everyone the same.”
• “I’m worried to say or do the wrong thing and be ridiculed so I’ll stay silent or avoid the issue.”
• “I don’t see any of these issues in my team, organization, or community. This is a waste of time.”
• “I’m already an ally. It’s all those other people who need to change.”

The fixed mindset can be triggered when people who belong to marginalized identity groups are reminded of stereotypes about them. As we discussed in chapter 3, Claude Steele found in his research that people often internalize negative stereotypes about themselves that can impede their performance. His research also indicates that when people adopt a growth mindset, they are are able to ignore the distracting self-talk that tells them they are inferior (Steele 2011).

Dweck found a similar pattern in her work. Among college women studying math and science, those with a growth mindset actually reported feeling a sense of belonging in their math classes. “They were able to maintain this even when they thought there was a lot of negative stereotyping going around … the stereotyping was disturbing to them (as it should be), but they could still feel comfortable with themselves and confident about themselves in a math setting. They could fight back” (Dweck 2006). On the other hand, those stuck in a fixed mindset found their confidence and sense of belonging withering. Dweck said, “the stereotype of low ability was able to invade them.”

To encourage the growth mindset and overcome the fixed mindset in DEI training:

• Reinforce the importance of experimentation and openness. Remind participants that we are all humans on this journey, and none of us is an expert.
• Acknowledge when someone asks a question or shares an experience that felt risky for them.
• Ask for and receive feedback openly to demonstrate that you don’t know it all either and appreciate new perspectives and ways of thinking.
• Gently challenge anyone who seems to have all the answers.
• Actively seek out and encourage input from members of nondominant groups.

Preparing for Dialogue

Think of improvisational artists, including improv actors, jazz musicians, and freestyle dancers or rap artists. Improvisation is the act of making something that was not planned or rehearsed. It is completely new and built through a collaboration among the artists performing together.

Dialogue is like a form of improvisational art. Every dialogue is unique, built upon the individual contributions of the people brought together in that moment. Although it is by nature dynamic and fluid, built upon the unique collection of individuals involved and the moment in time in which it takes place, there is still an underlying foundation and structure upon which dialogue facilitators need to anchor themselves. Dialogue requires planning, practice, and preparation. Just as improvisational artists study and practice basic skills exhaustively prior to the performance, dialogue facilitators need to have a foundational skill set to apply to every dialogue. They also need to equip participants with the basic tools and behavioral norms to navigate the dialogue:

• Use these tips to prepare yourself for dialogue:

  • Set an intention. This doesn’t mean you establish predictive outcomes. Dialogue is open-ended and will go where it needs to go, but have an intention for how you will show up, and how you will hold the space for others. Again, think of the improv artists who have a general sense of what they want even though much of the fun lies in the mystery of what will come about.

  • Name your own assumptions. Examine them, question them, and maybe see if you can let some of them go.

  • Get centered. Do some deep-breathing exercises. Imagine success. Engage in a mindfulness practice.

  • Consider the context—what is happening in the world, the news, the organization, your life, your participants’ lives.

• Preparing participants for dialogue:

  • Consider pre-work or reading about dialogue

  • Share learning objectives

  • Create group norms

• Preparing space for dialogue and logistics (time, place, size of group):

  • Consider diverse team of facilitators

  • Set aside about two hours

  • Eight to 12 people is ideal for intimacy and equal participation; if you have more, definitely have two facilitators

• Location considerations:

  • In person: consider a large enough space for people to sit in different setups; consider a circle without tables or small table groups for a larger class; make sure the space is hospitable (think about images on walls, lighting)

  • Virtual: use webcams and audio if possible so participants can see each other; limit distractions; consider breakout rooms if it’s a larger group or for partner exercises

Practice Areas for DEI Training Delivery

In this section I describe five core practice areas for effective DEI training and facilitation. These are applicable to most interpersonal or human-centered topics and are particularly important to build psychological safety and engage all participants in inclusive dialogue:

• Cultivate curiosity
• Build community
• Acknowledge complexity
• Welcome healthy heat
• Build a constructive experience

Cultivate Curiosity

Ask questions and listen deeply. Override the instinct to tell, advise, or argue. Suspend judgment. Bring a truly open mindset to learn and understand and invite participants to do the same.

In his book Humble Inquiry: The Gentle Art of Asking Instead of Telling, Edgar Schein (2013) describes the importance of bringing an attitude of interest and curiosity to our interactions with others to build a relationship and more open communication.

Ask Questions

Although the word “question” automatically implies a mindset of curiosity, that’s not always the case in practice. We are conditioned to tell rather than ask, and even when we do ask questions our intent is not always one of openness. We ask rhetorical or even accusatory questions, to prove our own points of view or win an argument. This is especially common when the conversation brings forth divergent or dissonant perspectives or beliefs. If individuals feel their beliefs or values are being challenged, they are likely to react defensively (“Yes, but don’t you agree that …?”). If they are given feedback that their behaviors are negatively impacting others, they are often prone to justify, excuse, or deflect (“That wasn’t my intention. Don’t you think you’re reading too much into this?”). The cognitive dissonance participants inevitably face in DEI conversations can make it difficult to come from a mindset of curiosity.

Asking curious questions is a key practice for facilitators to leverage to help the participants stay in dialogue, to remain curious and focused on learning from one another. The intent is to understand others’ experiences and perspectives, to challenge existing paradigms, and to collectively explore new insights.

Curious questions build psychological safety for the participants because they demonstrate openness, interdependence, and vulnerability. They empower the participants to drive the conversation, to fill the learning vessel themselves rather than have the facilitator tell them what to think or do.

Curious questions can be used to open up the dialogue, explore, assess, challenge, discover, and resolve.

Tips for asking curious questions:

• Start with “what” or “how.” These types of questions imply that the questioner believes they have something to learn from others and demonstrates care.
• Keep it short and simple. Focus on one simple question at a time. Don’t compound the question, add too many details, or create multiple sub-questions. The best questions are the simple ones. For example, “What does that word mean for you?” or “How does this occur in your workplace?”
• Ask questions you don’t know the answer to. In dialogue, nobody is a trial lawyer. Curious questions imply that you as the question asker are open to hearing any number of responses. Curious questions are never rhetorical or leading. The give the power to the responder to share their perspectives, ideas, and beliefs. Curious questions are asked with the intent to empathize and learn.

Listen Deeply

Stephen Covey said, “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply” (1989). Listening with the intent to understand is crucial to effective dialogue, and it goes well beyond merely hearing the words people say. Facilitators must listen with their ears, eyes, and intuition. It is often what is unspoken that reveals a great deal about participants’ emotions or reactions to what is occurring in the conversation. In DEI dialogues, this is especially the case. Individuals may have differing levels of comfort expressing their honest feelings or experiences related to privilege, unconscious bias, stereotypes, oppression, discrimination, or harassment, to name a few. Each person participating in the dialogue is bringing a lifetime of experiences that have shaped their beliefs and behaviors.

Because dialogue is a fluid, dynamic process that is built moment by moment by the people participating, there is no way of predicting how individuals may respond or react to what is said. Therefore, the facilitator has to be fully focused on the energy and emotional state of the group, and simultaneously conscious of how each individual reacts to what is happening in the dialogue.

Facilitators must listen at the contextual level and encourage those participating in the dialogue to do the same. When we listen at that deeper level, we offer people a rare gift—the gift of being seen and heard and understood. Consider these levels:

• Level 1: internal listening. You may “hear” a person’s words, but you’re listening only for what you already think you know or what you want to hear and focusing on your response. You pay little attention to the person’s nonverbal cues, and do not attempt to understand the meaning of the person’s message more fully. Internal listening sometimes occurs at an even more extreme level, where you literally don’t hear or notice what a person said. You may mentally “wander off,” get lost in your own thoughts, and completely miss what was said in the dialogue.
• Level 2: surface-level listening. You pay attention to the person’s words and emotions to understand them insofar as you can make a connection to your own experiences, needs, and ideas. At this level, you are paying attention to the other individual’s words and body language to gather information about their emotions. Yet your inner monologue is still activated, and it takes over. Typical responses that indicate you are doing surface-level listening include things like “That reminds me of a time when I …” or “What I would do in that situation is …” or “Something like that happened to me once …”
• Level 3: contextual listening. Context refers to the circumstances or conditions that contribute to an idea, statement, or situation, and can help it be processed and understood more fully. Contextual listening is holistic. It takes into account all the factors, past and present, that may affect the moment that is occurring in the dialogue. In contextual listening, you activate your intuition and are tuned in to the information about the other person’s emotions, beliefs, and opinions that accompany the message. It’s like listening to their head and their heart at the same time. You listen and notice changes in expression, energy, and group dynamics in yourself and others. You can make sense of what is happening in a space, even if no one tells you in words.

Build Community

Embrace multiple realities, practice empathy, and use storytelling to develop trust and encourage vulnerability. Building community helps participants establish a common purpose from which to build their collective experience.

Embrace Multiple Realities

Acknowledge that one’s perception of the “truth” is just that: a perception, based on that person’s lived experiences. Facilitators must not only accept but actively encourage divergent perspectives to be voiced. Participants in the dialogue very likely have differing and even opposing views on issues related to diversity, equity, and inclusion. If they do not feel comfortable sharing their honest opinions and experiences for fear of being judged or ridiculed, they may stay silent and the opportunity for learning is lost.

In September 2019, the America in One Room experiment brought together more than 500 American citizens representing the geographic, cultural, and economic diversity that exists in the US for a four-day event where they were asked to talk about complex and divisive issues concerning the nation: immigration, climate change, taxes and the economy, foreign policy, and healthcare. It was the first time many of the participants were asked to share their views in close quarters with someone who belonged to the “other” side.

What happened amazed both the researchers and the participants. People came together, and just talked. They disagreed without dehumanizing one another. They discussed sensitive issues by sharing their personal stories. They were vulnerable with each other. In doing so, people softened their views of one another. Many promised to stay in touch after the event.

By the end of the four days, almost every participant agreed they learned a lot about people very different from themselves. They saw what others’ lives were like and could appreciate their stories even if they didn’t agree with their views.

Facilitators can embrace multiple realities by inviting discord but encouraging outside opinions. Sometimes the facilitator may need to play devil’s advocate by offering opposing viewpoints as an opportunity to learn rather than an opportunity to criticize.

Embracing multiple realities can also be used as a mechanism for responding to exclusive or stereotypical comments. Rather than shutting down the person who said it, the facilitator can ask the group what other experiences or opinions may be in the room. For example, if a participant says, “I don’t want to end up prioritizing diversity instead of hiring the most qualified people,” the facilitator may respond with, “Thanks for sharing that opinion. I’m curious what other opinions people may have.” This ensures the facilitator can remain neutral but does not permit potentially offensive statements to go unchallenged.

To embrace multiple realities consider asking questions such as:

• What life experiences led you to believe what you do?
• What if someone from that identity group was with us now? What might their perspective be?
• What other perspectives haven’t we explored yet?

Practice Empathy

When facilitating dialogues on DEI, facilitators have to practice empathy at this depth, and to encourage participants to empathize as well. Let’s break it down into two key practices: perspective taking and compassion:

• Perspective taking. Research has shown that perspective taking is a key indicator of effective DEI training. People are more likely to change attitudes and behaviors when they can take on the perspective of others, especially individuals who have lived a very different life experience.
• Compassion. Compassion requires us to practice empathic concern, where we genuinely care about others’ well-being. Practicing compassion for those with whom we deeply disagree is a core practice for effective DEI dialogue.

This is easier said than done. We are the narrators of our own stories of hardship. And we often find ourselves wanting to “one up” each other when we have stories of being oppressed. It takes real effort to practice curiosity and compassion when we so naturally feel compelled to judge, to blame, to ask “What about …?” The truth is, we all have facets of our identity that automatically give us advantages and disadvantages. Our stories of pain do not preclude any of us from having privilege in certain situations.

Storytelling

Storytelling has been a part of human life since the beginning. Telling stories provides valuable data about the experiences that contributed to individuals’ beliefs and perspectives. It also creates emotional connection between the storyteller and their audience. Facilitators can use stories to:

• Build credibility and trust
• Connect with different participants
• Make content come to life
• Show vulnerability
• Demonstrate skills in action

For example, I was facilitating a diversity training and wanted to highlight the importance of becoming aware of unconscious biases and preferences. Rather than share the mountain of research I had accumulated on bias and preference, I told the following story:

Early in my career I was asked to manage two college interns for a couple of months. The first intern and I developed a great relationship. She had studied in the same program at the same university I had attended. She was a White American woman from the Midwest, just like me. She came in every day to talk with me, to ask questions, and to volunteer for more work. I was impressed with her and gave her extra encouragement and support. The other intern was also from the same university program. She was South Korean. She came in every day and went to her desk. Whereas the American intern asked for more projects sometimes even before her current assigned work was complete, the South Korean intern did what was assigned to her, and then waited until I checked her progress. She never volunteered or asked to do more. She didn’t share her aspirations or ask me career questions like the American intern. I increasingly paid less attention to her, confused and somewhat irritated by what I deemed her “lack of interest.” It was only after the internships ended that I realized how my own blind spots, my preference for the person who looked and talked and acted like me, had influenced my own decisions and behaviors with these two individuals. It was a huge wake-up call to me about how easily we can fall into the trap of bias. I keep the story of the two interns in the forefront of my mind every time I am recruiting, interviewing, hiring, and managing others. I want to be conscious and intentional about how I communicate with and lead others so I don’t make the same mistake.

As a facilitator, it’s a good idea to decide in advance what content or subject matter would be best represented by a personal story, and then take the time to write the story out and practice it in advance. This is especially important if the story brings forth strong emotions for you. Many personal stories of identity, especially those that highlight experiences or observations of prejudice, bias, discrimination, harassment, or bullying, can be retraumatizing for participants who have experienced something similar, as well as for the storyteller. You want to be vulnerable in your storytelling, but also be able to tell the story without getting emotionally hijacked. If you are still harboring intense feelings, be they anger, fear, guilt, or shame, it is best to wait until you can share the story in a way that best serves the learning of the group.

Acknowledge Complexity

Exploring issues related to DEI can be messy and overwhelming. People may feel misunderstood, marginalized, or attacked. Assume noble intent, and focus on the impact of actions. Use “Yes, and … ” thinking to validate different experiences and perspectives.

Assume Noble Intent, and Focus on Impact

It is going to happen: Someone will say something that causes a negative reaction in someone else. In DEI dialogues, we are opening up the doors to dissenting opinions and authentic perspectives and beliefs. Inevitably, a comment or behavior will be an emotional trigger. It’s important to balance empathy, compassion, and curiosity with accountability for behaviors that are exclusive in nature, have a negative impact on other participants, or generally derail the dialogue.

When that occurs, the facilitator has to be ready to name the harmful comment and respond to it in a constructive way. Often, when people are given feedback that their actions were offensive, they respond defensively. When the response is “That wasn’t my intent,” or “You’re taking this the wrong way,” it can have a chilling effect on the dialogue. The underlying message in that response is, “Because I didn’t have bad intentions, you don’t have a right to feel the way you do.”

The facilitator in that moment needs to do two things: Acknowledge positive intent (or at least lack of malicious intent) and, more importantly, lead the group in a conversation where the person or people who are offended can explain the impact of the statement or action on them.

Maya Angelou said, “When we know better, we do better.” But we often can’t learn how to be better if we feel accused, judged, or criticized. So start with stating an assumption of good intent. As civilized human beings in professional environments, most people do not mean harm and are trying to do right by others. Yet, we all have our blind spots when it comes to identity. We are often unaware of the impact of our words or deeds on others until they give us feedback. Facilitators can help people become more open to feedback from their peers if they first acknowledge good intentions. For example, if a participant makes a statement that is potentially offensive, or if you notice another participant seems upset by a statement, pause the dialogue and engage in an intent versus impact moment.

Then move to discussing the impact. It’s important to reinforce to the person who made the offensive statement that having good intentions is not enough, and trying to explain or justify your actions by saying you meant well can actually be detrimental. Request that the person lean in to the power of listening, to being curious about the impact of their actions on others. If nobody in the group expressed offense, but you as the facilitator heard a statement that is potentially offensive, you may need to name it yourself and explain its potential impact on others.

For example, in the middle of a dialogue, a participant makes a statement about gender identity and pronouns and jokingly says, “I guess we have to all walk around naming our pronouns … he/they/it? What’s the latest?” Some participants chuckle; others say nothing. There is no one in the dialogue who presents as genderqueer, but the facilitator knows this is an opportunity to align intent and impact.

Check intent: “Let’s pause for a moment here. It sounds as though you have some confusion and maybe frustration with the request others make to refer to them by nonbinary pronouns. Is that right? It can be confusing and even uncomfortable for people who don’t have the same experience or haven’t met many folks in the trans or queer community.”

Describe impact: “There are a lot of individuals who do not wish to conform to socially defined behaviors or characteristics typically associated with being either masculine or feminine. There are people whose identity is different from the expectations of the sex that was assigned to them at birth. It’s likely that they have suffered a lot because of this aspect of their identity. By calling them by the pronoun they request, we can honor them and the courage it has probably taken for them to be their authentic selves.”

As a facilitator, you can also explain intent versus impact using the following analogy:

If we accidentally step on someone’s toe, do we say, “I’m sorry,” or do we respond with the following:

“Well, I didn’t mean to step on your toe,” “I don’t care when people step on my toes. I don’t understand why it’s such a big deal,” “Everyone gets their toes stepped on sometimes. You need to just toughen up,” or “It’s not my problem that you are in pain.”

When we acknowledge the impact of our actions, we not only show we care but we also learn how to do better the next time.

“Yes, and …”

Coming from the world of improvisational theater, “Yes, and …” requires actors to build a scene together on the stage by constantly adding to what another person says or does. In improv theater, actors are told to “bring a brick, not a cathedral” (Leonard and Yorton 2015). This requires collaboration and attention.

This technique implies that whatever is shared by one person has value and can be built upon to construct a fruitful dialogue. When people come with their own personal agendas or add statements that are not in service of building the scene together, improv actors call this “badprov” because the scene doesn’t have the openness to go anywhere.

DEI dialogue invites dissent, which automatically can become divisive; for example, many feel compelled to say, “yes, but …” or “what about …” or “that is wrong and here’s why.” When we fall into “yes, but …” thinking, the scene cannot build. The dialogue goes nowhere.

“Yes, and” is the embodiment of embracing multiple realities. We validate another person’s contribution, even when we disagree, in order to add our own perspective, story, or belief.

Welcome Healthy “Heat”

Effective DEI training provides various degrees of intensity, where participants take ownership of their emotions and invite good controversy to thoughtfully address the divergent experiences.

Emotional Ownership

Our conflicts around identity carry emotions—of pride, anger, fear, even grief. Emotional ownership means recognizing how our emotions influence our stories while also managing those emotions so they don’t cloud our ability to take the perspective of others.

Many of us are taught to leave emotions out of our conversations, and we may fear that expressing emotions can have repercussions. It is true that when our emotional triggers are pressed it activates our amygdala, which can incite us to tune out other perspectives or experiences that challenge our beliefs. However, not expressing emotions can be problematic, especially for those individuals from marginalized identity groups who have consistently been punished for trying to bring attention to their experiences. Women—and women of color in particular—often face additional scrutiny for expressing their genuine emotions.

In her book Good and Mad: The Revolutionary Power of Women’s Anger, Rebecca Traister (2018) says,

The key is to create a space where people can name their emotions and simultaneously create space for others to do the same.

Invite “Good Controversy”

In The Art of Gathering, Priya Parker (2018) defines good controversy as “the kind of contention that helps people look more closely at what they care about, when there is danger but also real benefit in doing so.”

A dialogue where everyone’s intent is to preserve decorum and harmony is not only boring but also can do more damage than good. It demonstrates a lack of psychological safety if people are not willing to disagree, to let the conversation become contentious.

Good controversy invites participants to have honest conversations about their core values and beliefs, their lived experiences, and their concerns.

Parker explores ways to intentionally bring “heat” to our conversations without burning the house down. She suggests plotting out a “heat map” to identify the most contentious or taboo subjects and determining the best way to discuss them (Parker 2018).

You need to give participants the proper equipment to withstand the hotter topic areas, and that’s where group norms are crucial. In DEI training, it’s also important to structure the learning experience to ease people in with less risky activities to get them warmed up for the hotter conversations. This helps to establish a baseline of comfort and trust before tackling the more contentious issues.

Build a Constructive Experience

DEI training and dialogues provide a space for exploring the past, present, and future. Create space for honoring silence to deepen the learning. Make sure to leave time in the training to bring closure and a sense of resolution to the experience.

Exploring Past, Present, and Future

Create a flow to the training that provides participants with opportunities to learn and share how the past has influenced their current experiences. This may be done at a macro level by examining DEI in a historical perspective. It can also be done at a ground level by discussing the individual or shared experiences of participants in their personal or professional lives. Explore the current landscape to gauge existing strengths and pain points by discussing how participants experience the current organizational culture, as well as discussing current events. Finally, ensure that there is a focus on the future by asking participants what they would like to see change and what they can and will do to help achieve that future vision.

Honoring Silence

Facilitating DEI dialogues means more than knowing the right thing to say or the right questions to ask. It also means giving space for silence.

Silence adds weight to what was just said or shared with the group. When a participant shares a story or experience that is particularly emotional, it can be powerful to give a few seconds of silence to acknowledge and honor the importance of what the person said. Silence can help to reinforce the sense of community in the group.

Silence gives people time to reflect and process what they’re hearing or experiencing. In a DEI training, there is a great deal of new knowledge and awareness that often brings cognitive dissonance, especially when a person’s deeply held beliefs are called into question or behavioral norms are challenged. People may feel overwhelmed trying to process this. If they don’t have the space to do so, the opportunity for learning is lost.

Silence also is important to give those who need more time a chance to speak. Natural introverts often struggle to find opportunities to voice their opinions in training sessions and dialogues, as they are steamrolled by extroverts who are more at ease sharing their ideas and opinions with little reflection time. This also goes for people who are from cultures that are accustomed to silence. When a question is asked, it may take a few minutes for some participants to feel ready to share. In typical American classrooms, we ask a question, get a few immediate responses, and then move on. Meanwhile, some individuals miss the opportunity to share valuable insights.

Silence can give you, the facilitator, time to determine where to guide the conversation. Sometimes the facilitator needs a moment to consider the group dynamic, energy level, and emotional state to figure out where to go next with the dialogue.

Think about your own relationship with silence. How comfortable are you letting the group just be silent?

Some tips for allowing for silence:

• Silence yourself. Practice the acronym WAIT. Ask yourself, “Why am I talking?” We often are so unaccustomed to allowing silence that we fill the space with words. What value are you adding with your words? By speaking you are drawing attention to you. When does the attention need to be guided elsewhere?
• Ask for others to practice silence. Some participants are uncomfortable with silence, or perhaps more accustomed to talking. As a facilitator, sometimes you have to stop the conversation and ask the group to give a moment of silence. For instance, “What Ellen just shared was powerful. Let’s give that a moment to sink in.” Or “There is a lot of emotion coming up in the space right now. Let’s honor that and just be quiet and present with it for a moment.”

Bringing Closure

One of the hardest parts of facilitating a dialogue is knowing how and when to bring it to a close. Dialogue is by nature about opening up conversation, building an experience together, and exploring different experiences and opinions. DEI dialogues can be especially tricky to close because they open the doors to a lot of different emotions and can leave people feeling raw.

Think of the dialogue process in terms of both divergent and convergent practice: We first open up the space to explore different experiences, opinions, ideas. The group has a collective experience that brings about a shift in the way everyone sees the world and one another. When emotions are unblocked and released, it creates a shift in the energy of the group. People are changed by the experience. When that occurs, the process can turn to one of purpose-setting, action, and closure.

Bringing closure to a DEI training requires you to use contextual listening to recognize when the shift has occurred in the group, when they are ready to move forward. You may notice more relaxed body language, softer language and vocal tones, even laughter. All of these might be indicators that the group is moving toward resolution.

When closing the dialogue, consider the following:

• Name what you are feeling now.
• Where do you feel the group is in terms of its work around DEI?
• What can we celebrate or feel proud of in terms of what we have accomplished today?
• What further work needs to be done?
• What needs to be said that hasn’t already been said for us to feel complete?
• What is the call to action for you as a group?
• What will each of you commit to doing as a result of this dialogue?

Bring closure by asking for participants to commit to action. Effective DEI training experiences give participants substantial time to reflect and consider what they will commit to changing in their own behaviors. You can really lock this commitment in by asking participants to pair up with someone else in the class to be an accountability partner and schedule regular check-ins for peer coaching.

Handling Difficult Situations

DEI dialogues are sure to bring out strong emotions, which can be healthy and lead to wonderful learning moments. However, there are times when emotional reactions induce destructive conflict or derail the dialogue process. The facilitator’s job is to recognize potentially disruptive behaviors and respond accordingly.

When Someone Cries

Tears are one of the embodiments of a combination of emotions. People may shed tears of anger, grief, shame, or joy. Our workplace cultures are not particularly welcoming to the act of crying. Individuals may feel afraid to show such a strong emotional reaction out of fear of being judged as weak, oversensitive, or dramatic. Likewise, people are not comfortable witnessing tears. We’re not sure whether to console, ignore, or ridicule. Regardless, we are conditioned to try to make the crying stop as quickly as possible. Saying “Please don’t cry,” “It’s not that bad,” “It’s OK,” or “Look on the bright side” are all well-intentioned, but the underlying message is “It is not OK for you to display this emotion.”

When someone cries in a dialogue session, it can be a moment that signifies a breakthrough. It can be the first step toward healing an invisible wound. Tears are often involuntary. If a participant in a DEI training begins to cry, they are in the grip of a powerful emotion, and it’s the facilitator’s job to allow the individual to fully experience that emotion and to guide the rest of the group through their own reactions to the person’s tears.

What to do:

• Always have tissues nearby and hand the person the whole box.
• Do not give hugs or consolation, and ask participants to refrain from doing so. This isn’t meant to be cruel, but to instead invite people to let the person have the space to feel what they are feeling without interruption.
• Ask for silence, and be silent and still yourself. Take some deep breaths.
• You may even after a moment say, “This is a good time for us to take a deep breath together.” Ask the group to take a few deep breaths together.
• Reinforce the courage the person has for allowing themselves to have the emotion. Remind the group that this work gives us permission to experience our emotions, and tears are natural.
• Give people the freedom to take a beat by leaving the room to work through the emotions in private if they prefer. Some folks need to process intense feelings in private.
• Once the person is ready, give them the space to say what needs to be said.
• Gently remind the rest of the group that their role is to be witnesses to one another’s emotions, but not to try to fix anyone or solve other people’s problems. Ask them to give the participant the opportunity to choose how they want to talk about their story, and not to bombard that person during a break.

When Someone Displays Anger

Anger is an equally natural reaction in DEI dialogues. People may become angry when reminded of a painful memory, or because of something that is said or done in the class itself. Anger may show up as defensiveness, frustration, cynicism, or rage. Often, anger is combined with or masking other emotions, like fear or shame. It may be a by-product of feeling invisible or unheard.

In DEI dialogues, people may walk into the space already angry. Anger may show up at a simmering level, with someone making sarcastic comments or remaining silent and sullen. Or it can boil over into raised voices, arguments, and even physical threats or behaviors.

What to do:

• Acknowledge the anger. Don’t ignore it. Say, “I can sense something is coming up for you,” or “I am sensing some tension; let’s talk about it.”
• Hit pause and process what’s happening. “What’s causing you to feel this?” or “What’s this conversation bringing up for you right now?”
• Ask the group to stay in a place of curiosity. This is especially important if the individual displaying anger is the lone voice expressing an opinion or reaction.
• Empower the group to respond constructively if needed. “Where do we want to go from here?”
• If the behavior becomes disruptive or threatening, shut it down. “We cannot move forward in this conversation until everyone agrees to commit to the process of civil dialogue.”
• Ask the person to leave. If the behavior isn’t changing, let the individual know this is not the appropriate time or place for them to participate. They are welcome to rejoin later when they’re able to participate in a constructive way.

I once co-facilitated a mandated diversity and inclusion training for an educational institution. One participant came in and refused to even introduce himself to us. He sat at a table alone and proceeded to read the paper. We invited him to participate and he ignored us, then loudly stated that he was forced to attend and had no intention of doing anything but sitting there until the training ended. Even though he didn’t speak after that, his silence and lack of participation was enough of a disruption to the sense of safety in the classroom that we took an early break with the group and gave him the choice to either participate or leave, explaining why his participation was important. He chose to leave. We took time after the break to recalibrate as a learning community and asked the participants what they needed to be able to move forward together. We later found out that the individual who had left was on probation and had exhibited similar outbursts of anger in other workplace interactions.

When Someone Doesn’t Talk or Participate

There may be a lot of reasons for a participant to remain quiet in a dialogue. Some people are by nature introverted or just quieter. Some people prefer to observe and listen before offering their perspectives. Some may not feel comfortable to share their honest opinions in the space, either because of their previous experiences or because of the makeup of the group. Then there are people who may not talk or participate because they do not believe the training is relevant to them, or they just plain don’t want to be there.

What to do:

• Set norms up front encouraging everyone to actively participate in their own way
• Consider round-robin sharing to ensure everyone has the chance (and responsibility) to speak
• Do small group or partner activities
• Check in during a break
• Use culturally appropriate nonverbals (eye contact, smile, welcoming hand gestures) to encourage participation
• Conduct activities where participants anonymously write their responses or opinions on sticky notes or index cards that the facilitator reads out loud

When a Participant Says Something That Triggers You

As a DEI facilitator, you are not an automaton. You are bringing your own human emotions and experiences into the space. This means inevitably something a person says or does will trigger an emotional reaction for you.

What to do:

• Know in advance what words or actions tend to trigger adverse emotions for you
• Practice curiosity and compassion for the other person
• Ask if the person is willing to have a dialogue with you
• Take a break
• Call in your co-facilitator

When a Participant Attacks Another Participant’s Character

If conflict arises in the dialogue, it’s possible that a participant will accuse or attack another person. This may come out as stereotypes: “All [insert identity dimension] people” or “Your kind.” Or it can be universalistic language about an individual, such as “You always” or “You never …”

What to do:

• Remind participants of the importance of remaining curious with one another
• Encourage a conversation around behaviors rather than judgment of character
• If it persists and is causing harm to a particular individual or group, ask the person engaging in the accusatory language to leave

When Someone Says Something Insensitive or Inflammatory

This is a common issue in DEI training. People may be unaware that what they say is potentially hurtful to others. It’s a great opportunity to model behaviors that you want to encourage participants to use in their day-to-day lives.

What to do:

• Ask, “Can you explain what you mean by that?” or “When you said [this], what does that mean to you?”
• Ask for others in the group to offer their perspectives
• Explain the impact of the statement
• Make a request for behavior change
• Thank the person for being vulnerable and courageous enough to learn from their mistake
• Thank the group for being vulnerable and courageous enough to share feedback with their colleague

When Someone Withdraws, Shuts Down, or Leaves the Room

There are several ways a participant may withdraw. They may mentally or emotionally shut down, and stop actively participating. They may go silent, disengaging from any meaningful conversation with you or others. They may physically withdraw from the learning space by walking out of the room. This often indicates an intense emotional reaction to what is happening. Some individuals may withdraw because they are overwhelmed or unsure how to process the conversation. Some may feel defensive or resistant, especially if they are experiencing a great deal of cognitive dissonance. Others may be offended by or frustrated with a comment. Still others may be retraumatized by the discussion or activity.

What to do:

• Check in. Ask the class to talk among themselves and give them a question to discuss. Then go to the participant and ask them how they are doing.
• Listen. This is a good place for silence. Let them talk if they want to, or just sit with them for a moment in silence. When they are ready to talk, they will.
• Ask what they need to re-engage. Empower them to decide what they need to do for themselves or what they need to ask of you or the group.
• Let them go. Sometimes it’s best to give the person the space they need. They will either choose to return on their own or not. This may not be the right time for them to participate in the DEI training, and sometimes you need to be OK with that.
• If they remain physically in the class but are not participating, and it’s becoming disruptive to the group dynamic, you may want to give them the option to leave or come back at a later time when they are ready to be fully invested in the dialogue. This is not meant to be punitive, but to ensure a healthy dialogue for the group.

Power Dynamics (Abuse of Power)

People in authority positions may (intentionally or unintentionally) take advantage of their power to hijack the conversation. This may happen when a person in a position of formal authority (boss, senior leader) takes over or insinuates their opinion is the only right one. It may also occur when a person from the dominant culture in the organization or society (White, male, cisgender) dismisses or delegitimizes the experiences of people from the nondominant culture. This might sound like the following:

• That (ism) doesn’t happen anymore … and certainly not here
• I’m not … therefore it’s not an issue
• What we really should be talking about is …
• It wouldn’t be a problem if people didn’t keep bringing it up

What to do:

• If possible, prior to the training have the talk with people in positions of power about their role. If managers and leaders are participating in a course alongside employees, make sure to set expectations early about how they should cede power to others.
• Have the conversation offline. You may need to wait for a break and then call the person’s attention to how their actions are potentially making it harder for others to express themselves honestly. Invite the person in the power position to practice silence and listen deeply to others’ experiences.
• Shift your eye contact and body language to direct attention to others. Often, the most vocal participants or the participants in power positions naturally get more attention directed to them so they feel encouraged to keep talking. Intentionally direct questions toward people from nondominant groups to encourage their participation.
• Explicitly state that what is being shared is the perspective of a person in a powerful or privileged position. Sometimes you need to call it like you see it. Ask if there are other opinions that people would be willing to share. This isn’t to shut down the person in power, but to even the playing field and encourage other voices that are often silenced.
• Consider doing an anonymous poll of issues if that leader is open to hearing feedback. If there is fear of speaking out publicly, consider this a way to spark honest dialogue. Hand out index cards for people to respond and then pass to you as facilitator to read.

Getting Comfortable With Uncomfortable Topics

DEI training requires a deeper level of comfort having conversations about hot-button issues that may elicit diverse perspectives and strong emotions. Many expert trainers who are highly skilled in facilitation may still find themselves feeling uncomfortable or unsure of how to handle topics that have long been considered taboo to discuss in professional environments. DEI training requires us to explore issues like discrimination and harassment, systematized racism and oppression, sexism, bias, prejudice, and privilege. Polarization in our society and the fraying of relationships across political ideologies have added extra heat to the fire. Sometimes these topics feel too hot to touch, yet they are integral to successful DEI training.

As a facilitator, how can you become more prepared to facilitate the most challenging conversations?

Study History

It’s important to do your homework on the history of various identity groups and acquire an understanding of the roots of historic prejudice and inequity. You don’t need to be an expert on the detailed history of oppression for everyone who’s ever been marginalized, but the participants in the class will expect you, as the facilitator, to come with a solid knowledge of the subject matter you are discussing. You may have more in-depth knowledge of some aspects of history that have adversely affected you or your loved ones. It’s important to also know the history of people who do not share your identity.

For instance, a White woman without a disability may be familiar with the history of women’s rights issues and gender bias, but less knowledgeable about the experience of people of color or people with disabilities. A cisgender Black man may have deep knowledge about racism and colorism, but less familiarity with the experience of women or gender diverse people. A White Christian man who grew up in a low-income household is very familiar with the struggle of people in lower socioeconomic brackets but may be less familiar with the experience of people from marginalized or persecuted religious groups. Regardless of your identity, you have pockets of knowledge and blind spots. The more you study and learn, the more prepared you are to empathize with the experiences different people bring into the training room.

What to do:

• Consider your power and privilege. We all have stories of pain and disadvantage. Nobody owns suffering. And we all have aspects of our identity that give us certain unearned advantages in this world. The more unearned advantages you have, the more privilege and power you amass in society. Take some time to reflect on where you have unearned advantages because of the various dimensions of who you are—be it your gender, skin color, economic background, academic experience, religion, sexual orientation, physical and mental ability, and so on. Recognizing where you have privilege is not intended to cause guilt or shame. However, we need to acknowledge where we have an advantage over others because of something we can’t control.
• Embrace imperfection. You are going to mess up. It’s OK. In the work of DEI, nobody is perfect. There is no way to be perfect because this is about diverse human beings bringing their individual identity stories and conflicts and beliefs, and every situation will be unique. When you make a mistake because you said the wrong thing, or didn’t say anything, or missed an opportunity to go deeper, first and foremost own the mistake. Then forgive yourself and ask others to forgive you. Show that you understand the pain you caused and commit to doing it differently next time. Ask for others to help you learn and grow and be accountable. This is hard work. We have to make ourselves vulnerable. We have to let go of the need to be perfect and focus on the need to be in community with those around us.
• Acknowledge your blind spots. We all have hidden biases and blind spots because of our identities. How you interpret what is happening in the DEI training space is going to be influenced by your own identity lens. Ask yourself the following questions:

  • What am I seeing and hearing in this moment?

  • How might my own identity impact what I’m seeing and hearing right now?

  • What might I be missing?

  • What can I do to check my assumptions?

Summary

Delivering DEI training is a complex undertaking. As a DEI trainer, prepare to facilitate dialogue on challenging and personal issues by creating psychological safety and a sense of trust and openness. Share from your own experience and invite others to do the same. Encourage people to learn from one another and override their natural inclination to argue or defend. Prepare yourself for heightened emotions and challenges that may occur so that if and when they do happen you have sound strategies for managing them. Be realistic with what you can accomplish in a training experience.

Although a solid DEI training program that engages people at the intellectual, emotional, and practical level can lead to significant behavior change for participants, training alone does not lead to sustainable change. In chapter 6, we will explore strategies for continuity and collaboration across the organization to embed DEI principles and practices at the systemic level.