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The Think-They-Know-It-All
Tony was a “fun-lovin’ kinda’ guy.” He laughed at his own jokes even if no one else did. Wherever there was a party, Tony found it, whether he was invited or not. And whenever someone received an award, there was Tony, claiming it was because of his ideas or suggestions.
To hear Tony tell it, he was the man with a plan, the one in the know, and all you had to do was ask. But in fact Tony didn’t wait until he was asked. Instead, he volunteered and interfered, and drove everyone around him insane, particularly Sally. For her, his overbearing manner was unbearable. She despised his lies, and rejected his foolish opinions. Time and again, she tried to confront him with his generalizations, distortions, and deletions. Unfortunately, Tony’s defenses would go up, he’d dig in his heels and argue for all he was worth. And the most frustrating part was that others who didn’t know better would believe him. After each confrontation, Sally would think to herself, “What is his problem? Why does he have to act like that?”
Like other people who become Think-They-Know-It-Alls, Tony’s abrasive behavior results from his desire to get appreciation. When he feels slighted in any way he is likely to up the stakes and try harder than ever to attract some attention in his direction. Think-They-Know-It-Alls are assertive in their behavior, pushing their way into conversations where they may not be wanted. They have a strong people focus since people are the source of the attention and appreciation they crave.
Think-They-Know-It-Alls do have at least one unique ability: They know how to learn just enough about a subject to sound conversant in it. They also have a particularly bad habit. They are addicted to exaggeration as an attention-getting device. Though you’d think they’d know that’s how it sounds, they certainly don’t think of themselves as liars. They believe what they say, even if they’re hearing if for the first time. The more defensive they get, the more they have to repeat themselves. Each time they hear the words that left their mouths come back in through both their ears, they think other people are agreeing with them. In this way, they are able to rapidly build up a consensus of opinion, even though it only exists in their own minds.
At first this misinformation can be fun to listen to, and even funny. Done in times of crisis or change, it becomes annoying at best, and dangerous at its worst. After a while, people quit listening. In desperation, Think-They-Know-It-Alls may try even harder to get attention, and this leads to greater isolation and disapproval. Pretty soon, Think-They-Know-It-Alls get nothing from everyone: no attention, no respect, and no encouragement. In fact, people will actually begin to say, “Don’t encourage them!” The end result is that even their best efforts and good ideas tend to get dismissed or overlooked. Unfortunately, this causes them to need attention even more, so the Think-They-Know-It-All behavior increases.
You Better Adjust Your Attitude
If you have a low tolerance for people who exaggerate to the point of lying or who traffic in misinformation, there’s probably nothing you’d like better than to burst this character’s bubble. But be warned: When you challenge or confront them aggressively, their only way out is to counterattack with grander claims and louder persuasions. Their conviction could sway other people who don’t know any better. This can lead to disastrous consequences as they lead people down illusory paths.
Don’t be too quick to judge, thinking that you’re above this kind of behavior. Haven’t you ever defended an idea that you hadn’t thought through, and didn’t necessarily believe in? Maybe you read something somewhere, believed it was true, presented it as if you knew something about it, and found yourself faced with someone more knowledgeable than you, and you just wanted to save face? Have you ever found yourself justifying something you said, that you wish you hadn’t said at all, or exaggerated about something just a little? Whenever you acted like you knew what you were talking about, but you were actually uncertain or didn’t have a clue, you too were being a Think-They-Know-It-All.
So, no matter how far they stretch the truth, don’t give in to the temptation to stretch it in the other direction. If you do, you will lose your credibility, and people will think the same things about you that you think about your Think-They-Know-It-All. You must restrain the urge to show him up and, instead, see his interruptions as a minor annoyance, something to be handled before you can move on. In fact, we recommend using a go-beyond attitude. Think, “100 years from now what difference will he make.”
Losing face, appearing the fool, or being labeled a liar is an insecurity shared by many people. When you were growing up, chances are your parents compared you to other children, unfavorably on occasion; and you may have had the humiliating experience of being picked last in the schoolyard for team play in a given year. We suggest you see the frightened and insecure child within the Think-They-Know-It-All and have some compassion for this person who must struggle so hard for attention. Compassion is one of the attitudes that enhances your ability to deal with them effectively. Life is tough for the Think-They-Know-It-Alls, because they think they have to maintain a show, and hide the insecurity they are always feeling. Compassion helps you to give them a face saving way out instead of wanting to punish them with humiliation.
Another resource that you will need is patience. Sometimes your Think-They-Know-It-All will be running off at the mouth, holding the audience in rapt attention, and you may have to wait for the right moment before moving things in a different direction. Timing can be important, and good timing requires patience.
Your Goal: Give Their Bad Ideas the Hook
Your goal is to catch them in their act and give their bad ideas the proverbial hook, just as bad acts were removed from the stage in Vaudeville days. Only in this case, you’ll want to do so without putting the Think-They-Know-It-All on the defensive.
Action Plan
Step 1. Give Them a Little Attention. There are two ways to give a minimum amount of attention to Think-They-Know-It-Alls:
Backtrack their comments with enthusiasm. Enthusiasm is to Think-They-Know-It-Alls what the spotlight is to entertainers. Backtracking the remarks of these problem people enthusiastically is a sure-fire signal that you’re paying attention to them, while at the same time putting them on the receiving end of their own foolishness.
Acknowledge positive intent rather than wasting your time with their content. For example: You’re at a meeting, and the Think-They-Know-It-All starts making ridiculous suggestions and offering useless or regressive information. To acknowledge intent, you can say: “Thanks for wanting to contribute to this discussion.”
Notice that you don’t have to agree with the content of their communication. Instead, you acknowledge them for the positive intent that you project into their remarks. It is highly unlikely that the Think-They-Know-It-All is going to make an honest confession at this point, like: “Oh no, that’s not what I am trying to do at all. I am a loud-mouthed braggart who just likes attention.”
In fact, this positive projection may be enough to end the negative distraction, because you are giving her exactly what she wants: attention. With the intent satisfied, she may be able to drop back and let others have a moment in the limelight of the discussion.
Step 2. Clarify for Specifics. If you are certain that they don’t know what they are talking about and you do know what you’re talking about, then this ought to be easy for you. Ask them some revealing clarification questions for specifics. Since Think-They-Know-It-Alls speak in huge generalizations, you’ll want to question the use of universal words like “everybody” with “Who specifically?”, “always” with “When specifically?”, and “significant” with “Significant in what way specifically?”
Warning: Be extremely careful with your nonverbals. Asking clarification questions of Think-They-Know-It-Alls can back them into a corner. They may not be able to provide specifics, if they never really had any to begin with. And a cornered Think-They-Know-It-All can defend by becoming more defensive. So when you ask your questions, look innocent or curious, and resist the temptation to thoroughly embarrass him or her. Remember that humiliation never works as a long-term strategy.
Step 3. Tell It Like It Is. Now is a good time to redirect the conversation back to reality. You can tell it like it is from your point of view, and if you remember to use “I” language, you’ll be able to keep your remarks as nonthreatening as possible. Preface your facts with, “The way I heard it,” “What I’ve read,” “I’ve seen,” etc. To add irrefutable evidence to your spoken word, you can document your information, and show it to them as you speak. Even a Think-They-Know-It-All knows that you can’t fight printed facts, and won’t try. This is a great time to quote journals, articles, and the like.
Step 4. Give Them a Break. At this point Think-They-Know-It-Alls are at a moment of truth. It has become obvious that you know what you are talking about and they don’t. Resist the temptation to embarrass them. Instead, make them an ally by giving them a way out and again minimizing the chance of putting them on the defensive. For example, if you just mentioned an article or showed them a supporting document, you can say, “But maybe you haven’t read that article yet?”
Another great escape that you can utilize to great effect at this stage of the game is the old advertising principle of Junk O’Logic.* Take the Think-They-Know-It-All’s idea and hook it together with your information, and act like they are somehow related. This will confuse the Think-They-Know-It-Alls, and send them on a transderivational search for meaning from which they never return, or at least keep them occupied long enough to get a meeting back on track. Here is an example:
“Thank you. I’m glad you brought that up! It really does a great job of highlighting” then change the subject back to the facts. This can confuse the Think-They-Know-It-All.
Another way you can use Junk O’Logic to give them an out is to act as if their distortions have reminded you of the facts, and appreciate them for their efforts:
“Thanks for bringing up that subject. You really jogged my memory of those articles.”
The Think-They-Know-It-Alls wouldn’t think of denying any appreciation that comes their way. While they stop to appreciate the appreciation, you just keep going.
The key to all of this is the realization that Think-They-Know-It-Alls are not as attached to their ideas as the Know-It-Alls. If you give them a way to go along with you, chances are they will jump on your bandwagon. This strategy has long-range ramifications too. If they constantly see that you know what you are talking about, they will be less inclined to challenge you with others present. In fact, they may try to become your pal, because the next best thing to being a winner is to be seen with one. That’s where the next step comes in handy.
Step 5. Break the Cycle. The long-range action step here is to recognize the negative cycle caused by the Think-They-Know-It-All’s behavior, and then work with the person to break the cycle. Once these people are perceived as foolish and distracting know-nothings, they will try harder and harder. Then even their best efforts and good ideas tend to get dismissed out of hand or overlooked as a fluke, and they don’t get the attention they truly deserve. This could cause an unfortunate increase in the negative behavior.
You can break this escalating cycle by doing two things:
Use gentle confrontation to tell them the truth about the consequences of their negative behavior.
Actively look for and notice what this problem person is doing right, and give credit where credit is due. For some people this is all that is needed and the behavior subsides. For others this educates them in how to properly get recognition and may stem the flood of foolishness and turn the tide into more productive channels.
Great Moments in Difficult People History
“The Almost Million Dollar Fiasco”
Sally was excited about, and at the same time dreading, the upcoming meeting to decide on a new computer system for the company. She was excited because she had put extensive time into her research, and was certain about the value of purchasing the Bartlett by Pear Computer. She was dreading the meeting because Tony was going to be there, and she knew he could foul things up if she wasn’t careful.
She began making her presentation and things seemed to be going more smoothly than she could believe. But just as she got her hopes up, Tony butted in.
“Bartlett? We talkin’ fruits and vegetables here, or what!? Ha ha! Listen everybody, this decision is a no-brainer! Yer’ lookin’ at a bonafide computer expert. I have had my own personal computer for … ah … oh, about 20 years now. Yep, there is only one way to go, and that’s BMI! The whole world uses ’em, so that proves they must be great! Not only that, but here’s something else you may not have known! There are two kinds of disks in the world of computing … the larger 5 inch ones and the little dinky ones. The Bartlett only uses the little dinky ones, but we have big information in this company. We need a big disk to put it all on. And anyway, if you want to be able to offload your input, you have to get a computer that is BMI computable, that is, if you want to play in the big leagues of business. It’s the only way to go. Everybody knows it.”
Sally centered herself. She had mentally rehearsed for this moment, and the moment had arrived.
“Tony,” she said, “thanks for wanting us to get the right system for our people.” [Acknowledge positive intent] “Playing in the big leagues of business is certainly the way to go!” [Backtrack with enthusiasm] Then she innocently asked, “Say, do you happen to recall how many kilobytes you get on the dinky disk as opposed to the large one?” [Backtrack, then clarify for specifics]
The difference is, uh, significant.” When the Think-They-Know-It-All tried passing it off like this, she simply asked another question.
“Are you aware of the file transfer capabilities between Bartlett and BMI?” [Clarify for specifics] He didn’t have a good answer for that either. In fact, the answer was so garbled, no one knew quite what he had said, though it sounded something like “ten million megatransfers per microsecond,” as his voice trailed off.
Having reduced Tony’s roar to a squeak, Sally then fell back on documentation: “Well, in the latest issues of PearUser and Byte magazine, I found an article on how easy it is to transfer files with a Bartlett. And as I recall it, [use “I” language to minimize defensiveness] I read that those smaller 3.5 inch disks store up to 1400K on them, which is significantly more than the 360K on larger disks. I read in another article [documentation] that according to tests done by an independent research firm, it takes a computer illiterate one tenth of the time to be up and working productively on a Bartlett than it does any other system. But maybe you haven’t had a chance to read those articles yet?” [Give him a break]
His answer was a resounding, “Well no, but I plan to. That Bartlett sounds like the way to go.”
“I agree with you,” smiled Sally.
Quick Summary
When Someone Becomes a Think-They-Know-It-All
Your Goal: Give the Person’s Bad Ideas the Hook
ACTION PLAN
1. Give the person a little attention.
2. Clarify for specifics.
4. Give the person a break.